Home Forums Hunting & Shooting Hunter's Campfire The Violation of BigFish: A Cautionary (Colonoscopy) Tale for Newbies

A story for any newbies!

I'm 32. Had to have a colonoscopy recently, about 20 years too soon. I have diverticulosis (diagnosed in the ER some months ago with the infection, aka diverticulitis). Due to my age (this normally doesn't happen until people hit 40+ years of age), doc wanted to get in there and take a look to make surgery isn't needed and that everything had healed because I had a small perforation. OK, no biggie except for the bills. Whatever.

I'd read stories on here and heard from others that the prep is the worst part. It is. I was missing one crucial ingredient I hadn't read about or been told about.

I had my Charmin Ultra, tons of reading material and everything I THOUGHT I needed ready to go in the can. In truth, drinking all the prep (laxative) is the worst part. It tastes nasty, even when you have the Crystal Light stuff to offset the nasty taste, and even if you chase it with Sprite.

I'm about 1.5 hours into squirting liquid out my ass like a firehose with little to no warning (which is actually painless) when Mr. Starfish tells me that The Charmin Ultra Bear isn't treating me so nicely anymore. Mr. Starfish, normally pink I assume, was telling me has was seething mad and really red. Like "F*ck you!" red.

No problem!! Lotion to the rescue! **This is a really bad idea.**

After writhing around on the sh*tter for about 5 minutes the pain from the lotion finally subsided enough I could call a coworker/friend (I live alone at the moment). Luckily he wasn't busy, and he made a trip to the store to get me some Vaseline and some baby wipes. Sweet.

During a lull in the sh*tstorm (luckily) he showed up at my door with said Vaseline and baby wipes and I shooed him off. Did you know baby wipes have citric acid as one of the big ingredients? Neither did I... until I tried to soothe Mr. Starfish. The baby wipes were like pouring gas on a fire. Literally.

But now how to now apply the Vaseline if I can't use TP -OR- wipes? Fuggit, I got lots and lots of soap. Mr. Starfish and I came to an agreement: I'd keep him on a steady diet of petroleum jelly for the remainder of the storm. Truce achieved.

MORAL OF THE STORY: If you're doing this for the first time, at minimum have some Vaseline.

Started drinking prep at 4:30pm. First wave hit at 5:40. It went on for almost 5 hours.

And apparently I have a high tolerance for Fentanyl and Versed. I got rolled into the procedure suite and introduced to Nurse Feelgood who called herself "The Bartender." I asked for a stiff Bloody Mary as it was 7:31am. No problem, coming right up. Saw her inject it into the IV. Two minutes later (I'm watching the clock on the wall) I asked if I'm supposed to feel the onset of the drugs. Uh, yes. Here comes dose 2 into the IV and out I go.

Only to be awoken to Mr. Colonoscope going the wrong way on a one-way street. Another dose as Feelgood leans over to administer more Bloody Mary. This happened at least one more time as senor 'Scope went "around the bend" and woke me up.

I came right out of sedation the minute they were done cleaning me up and got wheeled into recovery where I promptly asked the nurses to rip this IV and monitor equipment stuff out of and off of me. Heard the doc and nurse on the other side of the screen say "We couldn't keep him under." Nurse came in and told me we used all the drugs we had prepared for the procedure on you and to ask for Propofol next time.

"Please remain seated while you dress." Cautiously stood up, no ill effects. Got dressed standing up and walked over to meet my buddy who drove me. Little tired, fully understanding what was being said by the doc (I'm GTG, no surgery needed, keep on the high fiber diet, see Mr. 'Scope in 10 years). Walked out of there at 8:15 and got a big greasy breakfast from a diner on the way home. Still took me about an hour to pass out once I got home, but when I passed out it was like a rock for 4 hours.

Vaseline!

Brah...

Lol.

Glad all was clear. Now go clean your fingernails.

puss

Sounds like you have at lest one good friend. Propofol is great, lights out, wake right up and feel rested.

I'm 47-turn 48 in February- and my doc has been hinting around that he thinks I need to have one done. Been dreading it, but I guess I should have it done. ugh

Oh, and whoever invented "GoLytely" (prep laxative) didn't test it before they named it. Should be called "SquirtHard."

Honestly, it's no big deal. Didn't feel any pain, but could feel uh, something back there. Soon as Feelgood realized I was up and at 'em again she put me back down.

Don't put it off, get it done. And make sure you schedule it first thing in the AM, cause you're going to be freaking hungry if you have to go all day w/o eating. Schedule it far enough out they have the first morning appointment available.

I got at least 2 good friends. One to take the day off work to drive me (OK he was going to the UW football game tonight anyways so he appreciated an excuse to take the whole day off) and the other to make a special run to the store to help out Mr. Starfish on short notice..

I bet his finger smells.

PTL all was good.

PS Your'e pretty young, fer being so fu-ked up.

It must be an unwritten rule that the laxative has to taste nasty! I got scoped last Monday and the Suprep stuff had a faint taste that left a nasty aftertaste. Apple juice didn't cut it!

I don't know what my "bartender" used but Norman Greenbaum (SP?) was playing "Spirit in the Sky" and I didn't get to hear the end of the song. Damn, I wish I could sleep like that!

My third scope job so I am not a newbie, but you forget in five years just how much fun this is...

WIMP - I did mine with no anesthesia - and intend to do this upcoming (early Nov) one the same!

I HATE drugs!

LOL

When you mentioned this the other day I thought you were kidding. TMI, BTW.

Worst thing about my last one was a song I couldn't get out of my head before the procedure -










The theme song from Candid Camera !

I have done it twice. The first time I did it the Marine Corps way with no drugs. It was very uncomfortable. I proved to myself that I could do it, but said never again.

The second time I was lights-out for the procedure. Much better. No need to go through that much pain again.

You got a set of stones, Mark. ETA and you too, nifty.

'bender, yeah- TMI but a cautionary tail (pun in10did, thread title changed) for anyone who might miss 'the jelly of the gods' suggestion for their first trip down the one-way.

After the first time I went through that the Doctor told me I'd need it again in five years, I told him if I was lucky I'd die before then.
I wasn't lucky.
Had my fourth a few months ago.
It doesn't get better.

Had my most recent one last Monday, the drugs they used to knock me out worked really well. I remember the nurse hooking the syringe into the IV port, the next thing I kenw I was waking up in the prep room with my wife. She said when they rolled me in my eyes were open but she could tell no one was home. I asked her if they had done the colonoscopy and it the doctor had been in to see us, both of which had taken place. The preparatory chitforsure cocktail of dulcolax/miralax/gatorade worked well, the chitstorm had subsided by midnight and I was able to get a decent night's rest. Four or five hours after the procedure things had pretty much returned to normal, a little application of preparation H before bedtime and all was well.

Operation Asscream?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mi5kXcc-TJ8

No imbed skills...

Darn tootin'!

The prep is the worst since they knock you out for the scope. When I had it I was sure the prep was over since it was several hours and I felt completely emptied out. Wanting to clean up before heading to the Hospital I hopped in to the shower then it hit me all over again as I stood under the shower what a mess!

I thoroughly scrubbed the shower but it has been several years and I still use the shower in the guest bath

Sounds like ya got asphalt issues!

Bunch of wimps!!!

Be a man... tell them you dont want a colonoscopy, they are for kids... you want a Lower GI (barium enema).


"The worse thing about a colonoscopy, is the laxative-- The best thing about the Lower GI, is the laxative."

Just had first one a couple years ago at 52 years old, Doc said, don't know what you're doing, but keep doing it, no polyps, roids, no nothing, said prostate looks well exercised too. told him I was a good beggar.

He said I'll see you in 10 years, I said you got a damn deal buddy and left, so yes, I'll continue to kill and eat wild animals and Wifeys fine garden fruits and vegetables, we eat and drink raw cows milk and have fresh home made butter and yogurt from same, also fresh farm chicken eggs for breakfast near daily.

BP 121/76 this morning
155 total cholesterol at last check.

Good luck Bigfish, I included all the extra drivel because I believe people can be more healthy eating foods that are un-fu-ked with for better overall health.

I may get hit in the head and fall over today, but it will be with a full belly and feeling great!

That's good living G!

I've drank barium before. You end up pooping rebar for a half hour aftwerwards.

the secret to colonoscopy prep is baby wipes.

yea I said it...baby wipes.

Comedian on colonoscopy prep.
https://vimeo.com/172951856

What a wimp.

You use the same laxative for the Lower GI and the colonoscopy.

The barium is used in the enema.

The gallon of prescription pipe flush does clean like a brown tornado.
My Dr. warned me ahead of time, as a pre-emptive strike use some baby butt paste, Vaseline etc.
Bag Balm worked fine and was all I had.

I had no problems but my asz sounded like a bunch of retards trying to play trombones. I thought it was hilarious.
Try A&D ointment on your delicate selves next time.

At least almost everyone has good dreams with whatever they give you. First time I had a pretty nurse, this time she had aged.

Try the A & D, Desitin, it is for diaper rash. And some hemhorriod wipes. My prep kit had some tush wipes and stuff with it. I save those for the hunting trip, it is handy to have a bit better stuff than just tissue.

If you think this is bad, just think about having a section removed!

Solid advice from bigstarfish9684.

had my first and only last Wednesday a week ago.
next one they can do on my corpse. felt like they drove a D8 around in there. took 5 days to stop walking like a duck.

Someone thinks too much....

New product last time called" Movie Prep" and give up on the charmen early and switch to short warm showers. Much easier on the "starfish"

Thanks Main, sure tastes good too.

Once you've said "OK" it's no longer a "violation"........time to move along and enjoy the ride!

I can not believe that nobody has mentioned 'Boudreaux's Butt Paste' or 'Anti Monkey Butt', for what is obviously a self-induced case of the 'Monkey Azz'.

Having had a chapped ass from lack of calamine powder after a long hike, then putting it on said chapped ass, lemme tell ya you don't want to do that. See "lotion" in the OP for Exhibit A.

Wait. They didn't keep you there until you had a big loud fart? Mmmm.... your nurse apparently didn't want to be around for your trumpet call! LOL

Me thinks I farted plenty coming out of the procedure room, and certainly did all afternoon yesterday. I hazily remember asking about farting, and they said something about using CO2 because it is absorbed easier into the body and exhaled? Maybe I dreamed that. I know I got the fugg outta Dodge soon as it was over and had a big meal of 4 pieces of bacon, 2 eggs, a pound of hash browns and 2 pieces of jellied and buttered toast. Still hungry after that.

so I ask the doctor " where do I lay my pants?".
he says " over there beside mine".

Actually the part that sucked the worst was my session was delayed so I didn't get scoped until about 3 and then the hour recovery. It was nearly sundown when I got to eat. I would have eaten liver and onions at that point.

LMFAO!!!!!!!!!