Thoughts for the day The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe, before you start looking like a mental patient.
My therapist said that my narcissism causes me to misread social situations.
I'm pretty sure she was hitting on me.
My 60 year kindergarten reunion is coming up soon and I'm worried about the 195 lbs. I've gained.
I always wondered what the job application is like at Hooters..
Do they just give you a bra and say, "here fill this out"..?
The speed in which a woman says "nothing" when asked "What's wrong?" is inversely proportional to the severity of the [bleep] storm that's coming..
Denny's has a slogan, 'If it's your birthday, the meal is on us.' .....
If you're in Denny's and it's your birthday... Your life sucks!
If I make you breakfast in bed, a simple "Thank you" is all I need..... not all this, "how did you get in my house" business!
The pharmacist asked me my birthday again today....
Pretty sure she's going to get me something.
On average, an American man will have sex two to three times a week;
whereas a Japanese man will have sex only one or two times a year. ...
This is upsetting news to me............
I had no idea I was Japanese.
I can't understand why women are okay that JC Penny has an older women's clothing line named, "Sag Harbor."
I think it's pretty cool how Chinese people made a language entirely out of tattoos.
What is it about a car that makes people think we can't see them pick their nose?
Astute Observations
There are two sides to every divorce: Yours and dipshit's.
The closest I ever got to a 4.0 in college was my blood alcohol content.
I live in my own little world, but it's OK. Everyone knows me here.
I saw a very large woman wearing a sweatshirt with "Guess" on it. I said, "Left Tackle?"
I don't do drugs. I find I get the same effect just by standing up really fast.
I don't like political jokes. I've seen too many get elected.
The most precious thing we have is life, yet it has absolutely no trade-in value.
Every day I beat my previous record of consecutive days I've stayed alive.
No one ever says, "It's only a game!" when their team's winning.
Ever notice that people who spend money on beer, cigarettes and lottery tickets
are always complaining about being broke and not feeling well?
Isn't having a smoking section in a restaurant like having a peeing section in a swimming pool?
Marriage changes passion . . .
suddenly you're in bed with a relative.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don't want to see naked?
Snowmen fall from Heaven unassembled.
Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.
I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose fitting clothing.
If I HAD any loose fitting clothing, I wouldn't need the freakin' class!
Don't argue with an idiot; people watching may not be able to tell the difference.
Wouldn't you know it! Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.
Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
A Couple Quick Ones.....
Steven Hawking came back from his first date in 10 years.
His Glasses were smashed, he had a broken wrist, twisted ankle and grazed knees.
Apparently she stood him up.
Mother Superior was taking a bath. There's a knock on the door. She says, "Who is it?"
A male voice responds, "The blind man."
After a few moments of deliberation the nun says, "Come in."
The man enters and says, "Nice tits, Mrs Nun. Where do you want me to hang the blind?"
A duck goes into a furniture store and says 'got any duck food?'
The guy at the counter says, 'sorry, we don't sell duck food'.
The little duck walks out.
The next day, same duck, same guy. 'Got any duck food?'
'Sorry little duck, I told you yesterday, no duck food here. '
The duck walks out.
Next day, again, 'got any duck food?'
The guy says 'No! we don't sell duck food! and if you come in here again I'm gonna nail your feet to the floor!'
The duck walks out. next day, duck walks in.
'Got any nails? '
The guy says 'what?... no'.
'... got any duck food?'
Someone told me flowers had sex organs.... POPPYCOCK!
