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Safety Briefing

Learning Do It Yourself Surgery!
Copyright 2009 � Stephen Redgwell

If it's not the police department on the phone, it's the College of Physicians and Surgeons asking embarrassing questions! And, like butchering your own game, there can be pitfalls when learning DIY or, 'at home' surgery. No worries, if you've done your homework, you can avoid most of the problems experienced by first year medical students and new surgeons. While it's tough for people living in the city, rural folk will find this a breeze! And really, most of this stuff is easy to learn.

Look, I know that you like to play with sharp objects. I mean, we've all been guilty of putting the knife in from time to time. It's got to stop though, unless you've taken a course! After all, you can do anything these days if you have a course. There�s harassment courses; making friends courses; fire extinguisher courses; taking out the garbage courses; turning the outside light on courses; wearing shoes with laces courses; drinking hot (or cold) beverages courses. You probably remember studying all of these at school. Hey, they�re life skills!

But what about �at home� amateur surgery? Sadly, they no longer offer distance learning or night study courses for this. Mail order surgical courses stopped in the 1970s. Remember them from the back of Popular Mechanics or Field and Stream? Not having them available any more makes these skills a little harder to master. I know, because I'm running out of room to bury the mistakes!

In my old life, I used to leave my work right where it dropped, but hey, welcome to the touchy feely 21st century! The enviro-geeks, the AJAG's office, the human rights crowd, public health, the UN and the law feel differently about this now. They�ve got �rules� that have to be followed. So, if you still insist on performing at home surgery, I've got a few tips from seven or eight failed operations. Live and learn, eh?

First off, don't use cheap mirrors! This is the leading cause of accidental cutting of excess or incorrect tissue. I cannot emphasize this enough. Say you're operating on your own brain; should you snip the wrong place, well, you might forget what you're doing! Cheap mirrors have imperfections which can distort the image. Beware!

Don't use hand soap to sterilize your instruments! Most have perfume in them that can cause infections. Pumice soap is the exception. Just remember to rinse well with hot water.

Don't watch TV while you're operating! Trying to catch up on the latest surgical techniques is fine, but watching M*A*S*H* or ER during an operation can be distracting when they cut to commercials!

Mind you, I did learn about white phosphorous (WP) from an old episode of M*A*S*H*. It is a chemical used in artillery rounds (and other explosives too) for determining where the big guns are shooting, starting fires and burning the clothes off people. As a spotting charge, you�ll see this bright white cloud of smoke when the round hits the ground. From that, they figure out how to adjust the range of the guns. The bright white cloud is the WP burning when it is exposed to the air. What makes it dangerous is that it sticks to people and continues burning. Nasty. Don�t keep any around the house, okay?

Back to surgical operations. Practice on a family pet or your little sister first. It's better to make mistakes with family members. This pretty much eliminates lawsuits. Let's face it; it may be necessary to hide your mistakes around the house or in the yard. No need to parade them through the neighbourhood or into court. This is why they invented attics, cellars and farm fields!

After you�ve mastered the basics, you�ll need to practice to become proficient, just like your family physician. That�s why they call them �doctor's practices�. As you can see, they aren�t quite the experts you thought they were! They�re still practicing too!

Put up ads at the grocers when you start. Housewives are the number one users of �at home� surgical operations. Don't make the mistake of posting your services at any hospital! Even though they�re still practicing, they don't like competition.

Most nurses and doctors think that they should be the only ones operating on people. (And veterinarians, in a pinch.) They�ve got the government backing them. Okay, they�re not Teamsters, but you could still get hurt. That said, some health clinics will let you post your services, but always ask first.

Operating in your bathroom is the quick way to clean up. This is especially important if you're still living at home with your parents. I learned this from watching the shower scene from the movie Psycho. Bathtubs make marvellous operating tables and are easy to wash. The toilet provides a quick, sanitary way of disposing of unwanted body parts. Remember to flush! (Not recommended for people on septic systems.) For larger parts like legs, don't forget a good shovel and some cheesecloth.

With a little care and some research on the internet, you can learn the rewarding (and sometimes profitable) hobby of being an amateur surgeon in your own home! Good Luck! And be sure to tell others of your success.

But listen, you didn't hear any of that from me.

I took a thorn out of my wife's pa... ugh finger once so she brings all her medical problems to me. If I can't handle it with a 16ga needle, I send her to the pros.

Man has to know his limitations.

That's okay. Limitations are good.

Perhaps you could take up the ancient art of harvesting apples with hand grenades or enroll in a non-credit college course like Introduction to Dermatology and the Wire Wheel. We're never too old to learn!

Thanks for tuning in. Next week we'll continue our discussions about expedient surgical techniques when we review Field Doctoring for Lumberjacks. Chapter six of the book details the use of chainsaws in crisis surgery, and how pine tar can be used to field dress wounds that usually require stitches.

Until then, I'm Hardy Bivalve. Good night!

Want to do DIY surgery?

Suture self!

Well played!

I tried the DIY surgery, but I kept forgetting to NOT skin the patient before cutting any deeper.
Worked my butt off, sewing everything back on. Too much work and I ran out of sewing thread a couple of times. Dude looked like a rainbow flag when I was done.

Remember, the anesthesia isn't just for the patient!

Ed