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#8787878 04/17/14
Joined: Apr 2001
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With rising health costs and the arrival of Obamacare, DIY surgery is re-surging in popularity in the US. It will save you money, aggravation, and costly trips to the hospital. Here are a few tips to make it easier for you to learn a new hobby and cut down on your family expenses.

Learning Do It Yourself Surgery!

If it's not the police department on the phone, it's the Surgeon General's office asking embarrassing questions! And, like butchering your own wild game, there can be pitfalls when learning DIY or 'at home' surgery. No worries, if you've done your homework, you can avoid most of the problems experienced by new surgeons. Trust me when I say, why let a doctor make a horrible mistake and then bill you for it when you can do it yourself?

While it's tough for people living in the city, rural folk will find this a breeze! And really, unless you're easily distracted, most of this stuff is easy to learn.

Look, I know that you like to play with sharp objects. I mean, we've all been guilty of putting the knife in from time to time. It's got to stop though, unless you've taken a course! After all, you can do anything these days if you have a course.

There�s harassment courses; 12 step programs; making friends courses; fire extinguisher courses; winning arguments at work courses; turning the outside light on and off courses; wearing shoes with laces courses; drinking hot (or cold) beverages courses. You probably remember studying some or all of these at school. Hey, they�re life skills!

But what about at home, amateur surgery? Sadly, they no longer offer distance learning or night study courses. Mail order study programs stopped in the 1970s. Remember the ads from the back of Popular Mechanics or Field and Stream? Not having them available anymore makes these skills a little harder to master. I know, because I'm running out of room to bury the mistakes!

In my old life, I used to leave my work right where it dropped, but hey, welcome to the touchy feely 21st century! The enviro-geeks, the AJAG's office, the human rights crowd, public health, the UN and the law feel differently about this now. They�ve got �rules� that have to be followed. So, if you still insist on performing at home surgery, I've got a few tips from seven or eight failed operations. Live and learn, right?

For the DIYer who prefers to operate on himself at home, this is number one - don't use cheap mirrors! Chinese made glass is the leading cause of accidental cutting of excess or incorrect tissue. I cannot emphasize this enough. Say you're operating on your own brain; if you snip the wrong place, well, you might forget what you're doing! Cheap mirrors have imperfections which can distort the image. Beware!

Don't watch TV while you're operating! Trying to catch up on the latest surgical techniques is fine, but watching M*A*S*H* or ER during an operation can be distracting when they cut to commercials! I remember doing a research paper on removing warts with different acids when I was taking pre-law, but infomercials did me in. I was distracted and lost a full credit course as a result.

Mind you, I did learn about white phosphorous (WP) from watching an old episode of M*A*S*H*. It is a chemical used in artillery rounds (and other explosives too) for determining where the big guns are shooting, starting fires and burning the clothes off people. As a spotting charge, you�ll see this bright white cloud of smoke when the round hits the ground. From that, they figure out how to adjust the range of the guns. The bright white cloud is the WP burning when it is exposed to the air. What makes it dangerous is that it sticks to people and continues burning. Nasty. Don�t keep any around the house, okay?

Back to surgical operations. Practice on a family pet or your little sister first. It's better to make mistakes with family members. This pretty much eliminates lawsuits. Let's face it; it may be necessary to hide your mistakes around the house or in the yard. No need to parade them through the neighborhood or into court. This is why they invented attics, cellars and farm fields!

After you�ve mastered the basics, you�ll need to practice to become proficient, just like your family physician. That�s why they call them �doctor's practices�. As you might have guessed, they aren�t quite the experts you thought they were! They�re still practicing too!

Put up ads at grocery stores when you start. Housewives are the number one users of �at home� surgical operations. Don't make the mistake of posting your services at any hospital! Even though they�re still practicing, they don't like competition.

Most nurses and doctors think that they should be the only ones operating on people. (And veterinarians or policemen, in a pinch.) They�ve got the government backing them. Okay, they�re not Teamsters, but you could still get hurt.

University campuses are fertile grounds for people in need of surgical procedures, and students generally don't ask too many embarrassing questions. As well, some health clinics and retirement homes will let you post your services, but always ask first. If you're a senior, this is an excellent way to keep busy and earn some money on the side from others at your facility. It's unlikely that you will be held accountable for any blunders. The medical staff almost always think they're to blame and will take any necessary action.

Operating in your bathroom is the quick way to clean up. This is especially important if you're still living at home with your parents. I learned this watching the shower scene from the movie Psycho. Bathtubs make marvelous operating tables and are easy to wash. The toilet provides a quick, sanitary way of disposing of small, unwanted body parts. Remember to flush! (Not recommended for people on septic systems.) For larger parts like legs, you'll have to take it outside! And don't forget a good shovel and some cheesecloth.

With a little care and some research on the internet, you can learn the rewarding (and profitable) hobby of being an amateur surgeon in your own home! Good Luck! And be sure to tell others of your success.


Safe Shooting!
Steve Redgwell
www.303british.com

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain
Member - Professional Outdoor Media Association of Canada
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