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Dear Aliens,

My name is Cletus, and I just wanted to write and say how much I appreciate you not makin� a mess of the planet. I don�t know how long you�ve been comin� here, but in all them years, not even NASA has been able to find evidence of you havin� any tailgate parties, or just rollin� down the window of your spaceship and tossin� out garbage. Your planet must be really clean! I wish you would teach the folks here not to do that.

Some people claim that they was captured by you guys. Apparently, you�ve been carryin� out strange experiments on humans. I really don�t know anything about that, but my neighbour Nelford says you took him three times. The last time he came back from space with red marks on his chest, but he isn�t angry. He hasn�t had any chigger bites since then. He doesn�t know what you done, but he wanted to say thanks.

While I�m talkin� about alien abdications or whatever, could you take my wife�s sister Valeda? She�s a real pain in the neck. Maybe you could stick her with some of them probes so she can find out what it�s like to be needled all the time!

Thanks,

Your friend Cletus