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The Devil and the Outhouse
Stephen Redgwell - 2007

Disaster struck the farm
When Uncle Olaf left the barn
He felt a movement coming on
And pretty soon
But not knowing where to go
When it's 38 below
Can make a man do crazy things
Or so I'm told

Far off on the horizon,
Where the sun was gently resting
On the blessed hills we were proud to call our own
We could hear a jet like rush
And saw a fireball as such
Flying hell-bent for election towards our home

Uncle Olaf disappeared
And it was much too late, I feared
To try and track him in the snow and frigid night

Dad said, "Run for cover!
Don't you worry 'bout your mother
She'll meet up with Uncle Olaf in the sky."
So we slogged through waist high snow
And I was feeling aw'fly low
I thought the devil had arrived and we'd soon die

In the pitch black yard,
I was sloggin' pretty hard
For to hide from Perdition, or so I thought

And as the light grew brighter
And my fear grew brighter too
I was confused and lost track of where I was
I couldn't see a thing and loudly I began to sing
The blessed hymns of old I knew so very well

"Tis Beelzebub himself!" cried a disembodied voice
From somewhere way out past the great beyond
"Get down! Get down! Get down and hug the ground!"

�Uncle Olaf, is that you?� I yelled around

Lord Thund'ring Grace! I could see the devil's face
He'd come to take us straight to hell. Do not pass GO!
And the fear inside me mounted and through the air
I quickly vaulted
Feeling nothing but the ache of impending doom

I could have sworn the wind had lifted me
And the devil must have shifted me
For when I struck the ground, no ice and snow

In the darkness of the place I felt all warm
My hands, my face
But the gentle ground soon coughed up another dread

Satan's plans be damned
For I was not in God's good hands
But in the pit
Where once the outhouse barely stood

And as the foggy memory of the afternoon's activity
Cleared up and recognition took its place
I suddenly remembered why,
The day had flown so quickly by
Our two holer was being moved to a new space

Lucifer just laughed
And cried, "Young man, please take a bath!
You smell so bad that I won't claim your wretched soul.
Consider yourself charmed,
You've escaped today unharmed
And I'm content to wait and try another time.�

And I told the preacher that
After I came out of the bath
But he just scolded me for telling such a fib

Then Uncle Olaf winked and said, "Boy, I ain't no fink.
I heard you talkin' to the devil. That's no lie.
And I woulda helped you too,
But you was covered up with poo
And lord, I was reviled and stayed away."

So, I got a little secret and my uncle, he's got his
And to this day I'm so very proud to state
That was the day I ducked the devil,
Who trod our farmyard damp and level
By getting into lots and lots of [bleep].

Don't try this at home, kids.