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I had to Pee
Copyright 2015 by Stephen Redgwell

I had to pee, but it wasn’t your standard, casually sneak up to the urinal and pee type of pee. No sir, it wasn’t that kind. It was the kind of mammoth urge one gets after watching footage of the world's great waterfalls on the National Geographic channel.

No, not even that! To say my need was that trifling would be a huge lie.

It was the kind of voluminous, potent and irrevocable release that spiritual people might speak of with reverence. It could not be measured with a flow meter. It was an indefatigable, long lasting and fierce stream, the likes of which would shatter old fashioned porcelain. The sheer power of this unstoppable fluid would shake the earth to its very core.

It is said that God made granite to stand against the force of such energy. I believed this to be true, but wondered, would He prevent that which was so overwhelming? Was this the unstoppable force meeting the immovable object? And if it was time for the world to be cut into pieces by some raging yellow torrent, what would become of humanity?

In all the world, from the icy cold mountain streams of the Rockies to the vast glaciers of our great northern wilderness, nothing could stop this irresistible might once it was unleashed. No power on earth could repel it or cause it to diminish.

It truly was the pee about which legends would be told.

For such a gush to be allowed to run free, I needed the solitude of Ontario’s beautiful boreal forests. Go north, young man! I drove for several hours until I came upon the place that would be my altar of unencumbered urination.

The solitude was inspirational. I was overcome by the beauty and balance of the land. Fresh, pure air filled my lungs and stirred me to begin.

The thunder rolled. The earth shook. And I peed.

When it was over, I stared into the night sky, hoping that I had not knocked the universe akimbo. But I needn’t have worried. The moon was still the moon, and continued to light up the darkness. The animals called out to me, saying that all was as it should be. The cosmic rhythm remained unchanged. I had felt the great release and was spent, but happy.

And I smiled.

Clearly not written by a 60 year old man

It was the pee that inspired a nation!