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Hey, Vegetables are People Too!
Copyright 2015 - Stephen Redgwell

A few years back, Stumpville got invaded by tree huggers. None of us knew who in the heck they was! Ma figured either they got loose from the nuthouse, or was from Toronto. It turned out that they WAS from the city, but it got stranger. They come to worship our local timber – we got lots of maples, pines and birches up here. They also danced around naked to welcome the winter solstice. I just figured they was stupid. Only an idiot would run around without clothes on when it’s -20 outside! I figured nobody was that dumb.

Apparently, I was wrong.

Heck, I didn’t know what a solstice was until Father Bob dropped by the house and explained it to me and Ma. He told us that the solstice happened twice a year – when the sun is at its lowest or its highest point in the sky...or somethin’ like that. Them tree huggers come to Stumpville to celebrate, and even brought a goat! Anyway, they took off runnin’ when the townsfolk started pokin’ them with cattle prods...and ate the goat.

I thought that we was ‘tree hugger free’ until a couple of daze ago. This fellow come into the general store and announced to everyone – that would be three of us – that Chief Ellis or Chief LS or somethin’, was here to save us from meat. That anger-vated James Arness, the new owner of the store. After all, he sold beef, pork and chicken by the pound – despite Canada makin’ laws about usin’ only the metrical system. I told James to relax; that LS probably stood for ‘loose stool’, and he was just passin’ through.

But you know, it got me thinkin’. What’s better than a good steak BBQ? I don’t give a rat’s patoot if you don’t eat meat, but don’t go pokin’ your nose into other people’s affairs, right? So I told Chief LS that this was cattle country. He said he knew. In fact, that was why he come here! He told us,

“Eating animals is cruel and clogs your arteries.”

James told him lead poisonin’ would kill him faster, but Chief LS didn’t get the hint.

The Chief said he was goin’ over to the restaurant for a fresh garden salad and a tomato juice. As he was headin’ out the door, James phoned the restaurant and talked to Edna, the owner. I didn’t know what they was cookin’ up, but I was gonna be there to see it.

We was right behind the Chief, and heard him order a tomato juice. Edna responded, lookin’ kinda sick, and said,

“You want me to go into the back and squeeze the life out of a tomato? Mister, I cannot abide the high pitched wailin’ of a ripe, red tomato bein’ put in a blender! But if that’s what you want, I’ll tell Fernley to put a couple in the juicer. You’ll have to excuse me. I can’t stand the screamin’. And she walked out the front door.

The Chief turned to us and asked what was wrong with her. I couldn’t resist.

“Ain’t you never heard a tomato squeal, mister? It’s kind of a high pitched cry. They does it twice. Once when you cut them in half, and a second time, when you put them in the blender.”

Chief LS give me a disgusted look and said,

“That is ridiculous! Plants are not living creatures like you and me!”

I just shrugged and said that I didn’t know nothin’ about that. I just knew that they screamed. I told that fella,

“Father Bill at the church talked to me about it once. He called it, um, ‘plant sentience’, I think...”

The Chief shook his head and said something very unkind about Father Bill. Just then, we heard a shrill, muffled scream in the kitchen, and Fernley the cook started yellin’.

“I don’t care what you want! You is a vegetable! I’m cuttin’ you up and puttin’ you in the blender. We got a customer that wants fresh squeezed tomato juice!”

He barely finished sayin’ that when half a tomato flew out of the kitchen and smacked against the glass door at the front.

Fernley come runnin’ out of the back, yellin’ at the tomato, “You ain’t gettin’ away that easy!”

The Chief sat there dumbfounded.

Fernley had a big cuttin’ knife in his hand. He ran to the front door and speared the tomato right through its middle. He scooped it off the floor, wiped the juice from the window with his free hand and began lickin’ it off. Then he turned to the Chief and said,

“I’m sorry about that mister. Them tomatoes don’t usually get away from me like that. He made a run for it when I reached for the blender lid. Lucky for you he knocked himself unconscious hittin’ the glass. I’ll get him puréed and have your juice here in a minute!”

The Chief run full tilt out the door and down the road.

Fernley laughed so hard, I think he peed himself.

We never seen that fellow again.


Safe Shooting!
Steve Redgwell
www.303british.com

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain
Member - Professional Outdoor Media Association of Canada
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Steak, It's my favorite vegetable!
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I like it!


Safe Shooting!
Steve Redgwell
www.303british.com

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain
Member - Professional Outdoor Media Association of Canada
[Linked Image from i.imgur.com]

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