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Joined: Apr 2001
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Them Strange City Hunters
copyright 2015, Steve Redgwell

I love the fall in northern Ontario!

My buddy Nelford loves to take a pair of moose antlers and bash into cars when you city folks are at the grocery store pickin' up supplies for your hunt. Don't worry. He don’t leave any bad dents. It’s funny, 'cause I'll be sittin' in the restaurant, or at the hotel havin' a beer, and hear some of you tellin' your wives about gettin' hit by a moose. You talk about it like it's some sorta badge of honour.

"Honestly Betty, I was stopped at the grocery store trying to buy some petit fours and quiche. Do you know that they do not sell either up here?!? I really am roughing it! It's hell... Anyway, when I came out of the store, the trunk of the Cadillac was all marked up! One of the local characters said that he saw a moose butting into the car. That old timer says that it's quite common around here."

My neighbour Bob likes to swap license plates. That's the nice thing about living here - nobody would ever steal something issued by the government! They just move them around. Share the love, you know? Bob's brother Ralph starts things goin' by phonin' the cops.

"Hey officer, I found mine lyin' on the ground in front of the truck. Right there where I parked! I think them tourists have been vandalizin' stuff again!"

Bob, Ralph and a few of the guys get out the lawn chairs, grab a case of beer and watch the fun as the cops pull over all them tourist vehicles from down south.

"Sir, these plates aren't registered to your vehicle! Is this your car?"

Moose hunters from Toronto are easy to spot. You are the guys with new camo jackets (some with the price tags still attached), fancy boots and shiny, gold triggered, pretty boy Browning guns. We see you guys every year. You drive big, polished 4x4s that have the funny lookin', meterosexual tires.

You sure say a lot of crazy things. We get in the line for a coffee at Tim Hortons - we don't have any Starbucks up here - and listen to you folks talk.

[Linked Image]

"Oooh, don't scratch the paint!"
"Hey, try to drive AROUND the mud puddles!"
"Slow down! You'll spill my latte!"

And speakin' about fall huntin' season, I'll never forget the year that three of my dairy cows went missin'. The cops found 'em, but it took a few days. Actually, the culprit was pulled over at the highway weigh scales when the police and conservation officers were doin' a roadside check. That fellow was all proud of himself. He thought he shot a moose. It turned out that he had a badly gutted Holstein on the trailer behind his Mercedes. The conservation officer had tears of laughter streamin' down his face.

It was a dilemma for all of five seconds. See, that hunter didn't break any game laws. It's not illegal to shoot a cow - unless it's not yours of course. That's how Johnny Law got involved. The cop arrested him for theft, destruction of private property and bein' stupid.

Now, I spray paint my cows fluorescent green before huntin’ season.

[Linked Image]

One last thing. I just wanted to tell everybody that we're ready for tourist season. The guys have been workin' overtime fillin' plastic bottles full of lanolin and creosote for to sell durin' the black fly season. We get the creosote from scrapin' old railroad ties. Another one of our local recyclin' efforts. No point wastin' anything.

DON'T BUG ME (that's what we call it) is very popular. It's marketed as a local remedy to chase bugs away. We don't bother with it ourselves though. Al Perks says that it's toxic, so we're better off sellin' it to people from out of town. That’s what his wife Wendy Lou says anyway. It smells nice though. I guess that's the big draw. It's certainly better than what we used to sell. It was diesel in a can. Some of the old timers will remember BONG! from their hunting trips before 1992. Those were the daze!


Safe Shooting!
Steve Redgwell
www.303british.com

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain
Member - Professional Outdoor Media Association of Canada
[Linked Image from i.imgur.com]
GB2

Joined: Sep 2011
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You still have it Steve!


These premises insured by a Sheltie in Training ,--- and Cooey.o
"May the Good Lord take a likin' to you"
Joined: Apr 2001
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Well, I have something. Not really sure what though.



Safe Shooting!
Steve Redgwell
www.303british.com

Get your facts first, then you can distort them as you please. - Mark Twain
Member - Professional Outdoor Media Association of Canada
[Linked Image from i.imgur.com]

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