Ole and Sven are sitting in a boat.
So Ole asks Sven, "Why do scuba divers always fall backwards off 'der boats?"
To which Sven replies, "Well, you know, if they fell forwards they'd still be in de boat!"
There you have it.
Good answer!
Ole ran into a hardware store and hid under a tarpaulin. A cop ran in.
"Did that crazy Norwegian run in here?"
"Ain't seen 'im."
"Whatcha got under the tarp?"
"Harness."
Suspicious, the cop kicked the tarp.
"Yingle, yingle."
Sven's face was bleeding from several open cuts, and it was covered with black-and-blue knots. He doubled-over laughing even as he groaned and writhed.
"Vot's so funny?" Ole asked.
"Dot crazy Mister Jones hit me vit a chain and said 'Take dot, you crazy Norvegian!' Ho! Ho! Ho! Ho!"
"I don't see nuttin' funny 'bout dot!"
"Den he hit me vit de two-by-four and said 'Take dot, you crazy Norvegian!' Ha! Ha! Ha!"
"Vot's so funny 'bout dot?"
"Ay bane Svede!"
Keep them coming Ken! I love those jokes!
Ole went to work for the CIA and failed his first assignment.
Sent out to blow-up a car, he burned his lips on the tail pipe.
The Norwegians invented the toilet seat.
Five years later, the Swedes put a hole in it.
Did you hear about the Swede who was asked how often he had sex with his wife?
- "Almost every day..... almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday..."
Ole heard guys talk about how much fun ice fishing was, so late one boring night he decided to try it. He rummaged around, found an old lantern and a rusty hatchet, and wandered off into the night until he found a big patch of ice.
As he started to chop away, a booming horizon-to-horizon voice said "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THERE."
Ole ignored the voice � thought that he'd just imagined it � and continued to chop away.
"I SAID 'THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THERE!'"
Ole continued to chop, albeit a bit shakily.
"DIDN'T YOU HEAR ME? THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THERE!"
Discombobulated to the core, Ole jumped up, dropped the hatchet, knocked the lantern over, and shouted into the dark "Wh-who are you � G-God?"
"NO. THE RINK MANAGER."
Did you hear about the Swede who was asked how often he had sex with his wife?
- "Almost every day..... almost Monday, almost Tuesday, almost Wednesday..."
Lena coyly told Ole that her counselor had said that she needed to have sex every night.
"Dot's fine!" Ole said. "Put me on der list for Tuesdays."
You're killin' me! I wish I could remember a good joke to repeat!
Ole and Lena knew that there was supposed to be something extra-special about their weddding night but didn't know what that was.
"Ve vould hug." That was nice for a while but not as exciting as they'd expected.
"Ve could kiss." That was good too � but �
"Ve could rub bellies." That was even better, but Ole jumped up and ran from the room.
"Ve better not do dot no more!" he said when he came back. "Dot curdled me urine."
Lena takes Ole to the doctor in Sioux Falls...
after examining him the doctor tells Lena that he wants Ole to go home, and return in a week with a Stoole Sample, A urine sample and a semen sample...
after the doctor left the waiting room, Ole who is hard of hearing asked Lena... "Vat da Doctor Say?"
Lena said, " Da Doctor said when ya take a bath on Sunday night, dat he wants me to bring in your underwear when ya come back on Monday..."
Ole's pulling into Sven's driveway,...sees a sign, "Boat For Sale"
Pulls in, parks, and goes to visitin' a bit,
"Sven, I saw your sign, and I know you don't have no boat, all you've got is that old Massey Ferguson and that worn out baler!
Sven, ....that's right, and I'm sellin' em' Boat !
GTC
Sven und Ole go out Deer hunting...
Ole accidentally shoots Sven, mistaking him for a deer...
So they rush him into the Hospital in Duluth, and he is rushed right into surgery...
The doctor comes and has to inform Ole, that sadly they couldn't save Sven...
Ole starts to cry about his lost hunting buddy...
Doctor asks Ole " so you were out deer hunting when you accidentally shot Sven, is that right?"
" ya, dat it" replies Ole...
"Well Ole" says the doctor " the next time you accidentally shoot a friend while out deer hunting... unlike a deer going to the check in station, you don't have to gut him before you bring him into the Emergency Room!"
Ole and Lena lived on the border of Norda'kota and Souda'kota.
Some years on their taxes, they claim they live in Norda'kota and some years they claim they live in Souda'kota..
Finally the States of Norda'kot and Souda'kota send folks from the Dept of Revenue to their farm...
Dey say, Ole.. you can't claim you live in Norda'kota some years, and then Souda'kota odder years...we're going to send out the 'surweighers' und dey is goin' to surweight da farm.. and sees zactly where da state lines runs...
So da surweighers comes d'out and they surweight Ole's und Lena's farm... dey finds dat the barn sits in Souda'kota and the chicken coop sits in Norda'kota and the state line runs right thru the middle of the house...
So's da states of Norda'koda and Souda'koda comes out again and they give Ole and Lena da new...but dey says to Ole... you'se can pick Norda'koda or Souda'koda as a residences... you'se can't pick da both...we's vill be back in dah veek to gets your answer...
So's da States of Norda'kodas and Souda'kodas dey comes back in a veek..und dey asks Ole " so vhich is it goings to be Ole? You gonna live in Norda'kodas or Souda'kodas?
Ole says "vell, me's and Lenas.. ve talked it d'over... ve's dinkin ve's going to claim to be Souda'koda residents..."
So da representative from Norda'koda asks" is it because Souda'koda's gots cheaper taxes???"
" No " says Ole.." dey's 'bout da same.... but Lena made da decisions...she's says to me.. Ole, Lets live in Souda'koda...
I've about had it wid Norda'koda vinters!"
Sven comes to visit his cousin Ole down in Duluth, from up on "Da Range"... Sven ain't been in the big city like Duluth much.... and he is ready for some action...
As they are walking down the street Sven spies a gal, he goes head over heels about...
' ya Ole, I'm going to walk across da street and ask that gal to go our dancing wid me tonight!"
Ole glances at the gal, whom he recognizes, and tells Sven to skip it.. "dat gals a Lesbian Sven!"
That doesn't both Sven at all... He marches right across the street and greets the gal with " so Baby, my cousin Ole tells me you'se are from Beirut!"
Toivo, Uno and Lena goes down to the bar in Hibbing to goes out trinking for the evening..
'bout 11 o'clock, Lena tells her husband Toivo dat she vants to go home...Toivo replies " but I d'aint done trinkin voman!"
at midnight, Lena tells Toivo agains dat she vants to go home..
and Toivo replies.. "but I d'aint done trinkin yet voman!"
His buddy Lempke, steps up.. and says "Toivo, I's done trinkin, so vhy don'ts I take Lena home and you'se and Uno can stays here and keeps trinkin!"
"Vell, dats mighty nice ofs you Lempke!" says Toivo....
So Lempke takes Lena home and Toivo and Uno stay until the bar is closed...
Toivo is so smashed Uno has to almost carry him home... when they get to the front door, Uno takes Toivo's key to open the door...
and when he does, there is Lempke naked on top of Lena in front of the fireplace 'going to town'....
Uno quickly closes the door, and there is his friend Toivo leaning up against the wall laughing his heart out...
" did's you see dat Toivo?" asks Uno...
Toivo shakes his head yes as he continues to laugh away...
"ain't you mad at Lempke?" asks Uno..
Toivo shakes his head NO, and continues to laugh away..
" how's come you ain'ts mad at Lempke" asks Uno..
Toivo finally quits laughing enough to answer " Vhy be mad at Lempke??? That Finlander is so drunk he's in my house and he thinks he me!"
Hey, joo pinche "Seafire"
How muchg joo charg me,....teach me dat' accent.
I learng dat',.....I stay here Porebber, Meng!
Joo need start school, Obama geeb joo grant, por help hees frengs, joo know.
GTC
Sven and Ole worked together in a Minnesota factory and both were laid off� Sooo�dey went to the Unemployment Office togedder.
Asked his occupation, Ole said, �Panty Stitcher. I sew da elastic onto da ladies cotton panties.�
The clerk looked up Panty Stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labor, she gave Ole $300 a week in unemployment compensation.
Sven, when asked his occupation replied, �Diesel Fitter�. The clerk looked up Diesel Fitter and it was classified as a skilled job. So, the clerk gave Sven $600 a week in unemployment compensation.
When Ole found this out, he was furious! He stormed back into the office to find out why his friend and co-worker was collecting double his benefits.
The clerk explained, �Panty Stitchers are unskilled labor and Diesel Fitters are skilled labor.�
�Vat skill? yelled Ole. �I sew da elastic on da panties. Sven puts dem over his head and says, �Yah,����� DIESEL FITTER�.
Ric, make this a sticky.My face hurts from laughing.
Vat's 10 blocks long und has da I.Q of 6?
Dat be last veeks Sons of Norway Parade in Dulute.....
What's the best way to empty out the jails in Minnesota??
Legalize Lutefisk!
Ole takes his buddy Sven into the Nursery at the hospital in Sioux Falls to show him his new son that Lena just delivered...
As dey admire da new baby boy, Sven can't help but noticin' dat da baby is Mulatto....
"So's Ole.." sez Sven " ain't ja a liddle mad at Lena for dat new baby??"
"Vot for?" ask Ole...
" Vell Ole, don'cha tink dat baby is kinda dark?" asks Sven..
" Ja,vell Uffda... he choor is, but vhat's ya gonna do??" replies Ole...
"So's you'se not mad at Lena dat the baby's kinda dark den?"
" naw " sez Ole..." ever since we been done married, dat voman.. she burns every ting!"
Ole, had just got done moving to his "new" farm, and then walked 20 miles to town to get some groceries.
When he got back to his farm, he found the barn was on fire. Ole dropped his groceries and ran into the house and called the Fire Department.
"This is Ole!" he yelled into the phone. "you got to come over here right away! "My barn is on fire!"
The fire Chief responded, "Ole!" "How do we get there?"
Ole answered, (a little bit indignantly),
"WELL ... You still got the Red Truck don't Ya?"
Ole came home from work early and told lena he had an acident at work. Lena asked what happened and Ole told her he got his privates caught in the pickle slicer, Lena asked what happened to the pickle slicer and Ole told her they sent her home too!
Ole called the fire department and told them his barn was on fire, the dispatcher asked how to get there, Ole said don't you guys still have that little red truck?
Flightmaster
This is the first scandahoovian joke I heard:
After many years of "going" together Ole and Tina decide to get married. They go to the County Court house to get a marriage license. The clerk assists them in filling out the request as both aren't too well skilled in literacy.
One of the questions on identity has to do with the size of the applicant. "Tina, how tall are you and what do you weigh?"
"I'm six foot two and weigh two hunnert and sebenty pounds."
"My goodness. You're big enough to play with the Green Bay Packers!"
"Oh, no! I play with no body's packer but Ole's!"
Ole comes home from work and finds Tina in bed with another man.
Ole says "Tina! What you doin!"
Tina say to her lover "See, I told you he was stupid!"
Ole pulls out a pistol and holds it to his head. Tina start laughing.
Ole says "What you laughing for. You're next!"
Yumpin Yiminee... Yingle Yingle!
Ya choor ya betch'a...
Cannibal goes down to the Butcher Shop for some meat..
When he gets there, he is a little astounded over the prices...
So he asks for the butcher to come out and explain the prices..
The Butch starts out;
well here we have Irishmen for $1.00 a pound... they live off of beer and potatoes mainly, so they are a lesser quality piece of meat..
next we have Puerto Ricans... they are a $1.24 a pound...they have a poor diet also, but are a better cut of meat in the long run..
then we have Mexicans.. they live off of rice, beans and tacos... however with some good quality tequila in their diet, their meat is more flavorable than say the Puerto Ricans...they run $1.49 a pound..
next is Italians...they are fat, living off of pasta, spaghetti, linguini etc... but they have good wine which adds good flavor, so they are $2.00 a pound...
upscale we have Germans... they eat plenty of sausages, spicy sauerkraut, and drink plenty of good beer, fine wine etc..and they exercise a lot, so you really have a bargain for a good cut a meat at $2.50 a pound...
So the Cannibal points out the Frenchmen are $4.50 a pound...
Ah replies the butcher... now you are getting the best cut of meat available to a Cannibal! The French dine on fine wine, fine cheeses, fine food... you really get your money's worth there... the best tasting meat available to a Cannibal anywhere in the world!
as the Cannibal scans over his selection, he finally notices that Norwegians cost over $10.00 a pound!
He then inquires of the Butcher... If a Frenchman is such a good cut of meat, the best in the world.. and is only $4.50 a pound.. how in the Heck do you guys justify $10.50 a pound for a Norwegian?????
In anger the butcher counters the Cannibal's question with a question: Hey buddy! Have you ever tried to clean one of those guys????
Ole and Lars were working for the city public works department in Boyceville, WI. Ole would dig a hole and Lars would follow behind and fill the hole in. They worked up one side of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working furiously all day without rest, one digging a hole, the other filling it in again.
An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they were doing. So he asked Ole, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'
Ole, the hole digger, wiped his brow and sighed, 'Vell, I suppose it probably looks odd because ve're normally a three-person team. But today Sven, who plants da trees called in sick.'
Ole and Sven got a job at the brewery. One day Ole fell into the fermenting vat and drowned. Sven was given the sad job of given Lena the bad news. When Lena came to door Sven told her of Ole falling into the fermenter and drowning. Lena stated "vell at least he vent quick" Ole replied "I don't know how quick it vas, he crawled out three times to take a leak."
Even I know....the US Congress could NEVER figure that one out!!
Good ab workout this morning from laughing.
have you heard about Ole the Norwegian immigrant who started a outboard motor company?
Ole Evinrude
From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia
Ole Evinrude, born Ole Evenrudstuen (April 19, 1877�July 12, 1934) was a Norwegian-American inventor, known for the invention of the first outboard motor with practical commercial application.[1][2]
Evinrude was born in Norway and at the age of five emigrated with his family to the United States, settling in Cambridge, Wisconsin. At age sixteen he went to Madison, where he worked in machinery stores and studied engineering on his own. He became a machinist while working at various machine tool firms in Milwaukee, Pittsburgh, and Chicago.
In 1900, Evinrude co-founded the custom engine firm Clemick & Evinrude. In 1907, he invented the first practical and reliable outboard motor, which was built of steel and brass, and had a crank on the flywheel to start the two-cycle engine.
Evinrude reported that his invention was inspired by rowing a boat on a small lake outside Milwaukee, Wisconsin on a hot day to get ice cream for his girlfriend, Bess.[3] By 1912, the firm employed 300 workers. Evinrude let two motorcycle mad teens tinker in his Milwaukee based machine shop; one was named Arthur Davidson who went on to Harley-Davidson motorcycle fame, also based in Milwaukee. Ole Evinrude formed Evinrude Outboard Motors, which he sold in 1913 in order to look after his sick wife.
In 1919, Evinrude invented a more efficient and lighter two-cylinder motor. Having sold his part in Clemick & Evinrude, he founded ELTO or the Elto Outboard Motor Company. (ELTO was an acronym for "Evinrude Light Twin Outboard".)
Although Elto faced stiff competition from other companies, such as Johnson Motor Company of South Bend, Indiana, Evinrude's company survived through acquisitions, eventually forming the Outboard Marine Corporation. After Evinrude died in 1934, soon after the death of his wife, his son, Ralph Evinrude, took over day-to-day management of the company, eventually rising to Chairman of the Board.
Per is a Swedish farmer near the Norwegian border.
He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about one for sale over in Norway. He drives to the farm in Norway and looks over the cow. Per reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls... the cow farts.
Per is very surprised. He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some negotiation with the cow's owner, Per buys the cow and takes her home.
When he gets back to Sweden, he calls over his neighbour, Sven, and says, "Hey, Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens."
Sven reaches under, pulls the teat and the cow farts.
Sven looks at Per and says, "You bought dis here cow in Norway, didn't yah?"
Per is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip. Per replies, "Yah dats right. but, how did you know?
Sven says, "My wife is from Norway."
*********************************
John
"Yust t'ink!" Ole said to his bride Lena, "You vas made in Norvay 'n' I vas made in Sveden, and ve yust fit!"
(My rancher friend Ed said "Mattie was made in Kentucky and I was made in Missouri, and we used to fit.")
Per is a Swedish farmer near the Norwegian border.
He is in need of a new milk cow and hears about one for sale over in Norway. He drives to the farm in Norway and looks over the cow. Per reaches under to see if she gives milk. When he grabs the teat and pulls... the cow farts.
Per is very surprised. He looks at the farmer who is selling the cow, then reaches under the cow to try again. He grabs another teat, pulls, and the cow farts again. Milk does come out however, so after some negotiation with the cow's owner, Per buys the cow and takes her home.
When he gets back to Sweden, he calls over his neighbour, Sven, and says, "Hey, Sven, come and look at dis here new cow I yust bought. Pull her teat, and see vat happens."
Sven reaches under, pulls the teat and the cow farts.
Sven looks at Per and says, "You bought dis here cow in Norway, didn't yah?"
Per is very surprised since he hadn't told Sven about his trip. Per replies, "Yah dats right. but, how did you know?
Sven says, "My wife is from Norway."
*********************************
John
made it to the new world also..
that is a common MN/Wisconsin and MN/Dakota joke..