Our son is getting married this fall. I know about a fall wedding, busy hunting at that time (LOL).

Any way I paid the vast majority of the wedding when our daughter got married 10 years ago. It turns out that our son's bride parents will only chip in a small amount. I feel the burden is put on me. My wife & son are keeping silent on the issue.
Any thoughts??

I paid for my own wedding so I would say that any amount of money that you or the brides parents kick in would, and should, be a blessing. Pay what you can afford and if they don't like it, they can scale back the wedding.

Word for word what he said.

I am paying for my own right now...

My parents helped us out because they wanted some guests invited that we hadn't planned on.

My fiance's parents bought her dress.

My wedding is costing a significant amount more than my sister's did or my brother's did, and my parents feel bad, but they can't afford it, and I know that. My fiance and I are squirreling away money for the wedding, and have budgeted a chunk of each paycheck for our wedding in March of 2013.

Traditionally the groom's parents pay for the rehersal expenses including dinner. For the wedding proper the groom pays for the minister, flowers for bride and bridesmaids and token gifts for ushers and groomsmen. This is for a full bore traditional wedding.

If her parents/guardians are too cheap to marry off their daughter in style you have no duty to foot the bill.


The groom don't care anyway he just wants to get it over with and on to the more inportant stuff.

What ever both parties can afford. If the bride's parents can't or won't chip in, I'd suggest settling for a small affair, 8-10 close family and call it good.

My first wedding was us two and two witnesses in front of a JP. 2nd one,my wife paid for most of it as her parents copped out after the fact.
I was poorer than a church mouse and would have settled for another JP and 4 in attendances

I had a rather extravagant wedding and rehearsal dinner. My Dad and my lovely Bride's Dad were both very traditional; my Bride's family paid for the wedding, my folks paid for the rehearsal dinner.

Now, while I enjoyed the dinner, and was somewhat in awe of the wedding once it all came together, I would much rather have had a smaller, faster process. I went through months of hell answering questions about the wedding that I really had no opinion on.

Giver them what feels right to you. May want to tell them it ain't the size of the wedding. Mine cost 6k 25 years ago. I paid for everything but 1k my mom and dad kicked in. My cheap liberal dem inlaws talked a big talk but gave nothing like usual. We had nothing for a honeymoon and was so hot we went to upper Michigan. Payed for that too.

Save that money for a down payment on a house.....

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Weddings throughout history have been budget breakers. In Bible times, the bride's parents would have to feed all the guests for several days. Jesus' 1st miracle of turning water into wine was at one of those bashes where the wine had run out.

That said, you need to do some paper work. Figure out exactly how much you can cough up and hand it to them. The rest is their's to deal with. If they can't trim it to the money on hand, they need some lessons in budgeting.

And another vote.

By social custom and tradition, you should not feel as though any burden has been placed on you. However, because you love and want to support your son and are getting a new daughter (and in-laws, for better or worse), your feeling the need to do something is good - and normal. So, I suggest that you and your wife talk the situation over with your son, discuss their plans and "wants" and their financial preparation, then make a decision about how much you want to add, do it, and get quiet.

By the end of the ceremony, nobody cares a diddley damn whether the dress cost $500 or $5000. My wife and her sisters made all the flower arrangements for our wedding from cut flowers from Costco and saved hundreds. With the software available today, anyone with a gift for a keyboard can crank out top flight invitations. There are innumerable ways to cut the budget with a little thinking.

Thanks all for the replys. They make my decision a bit easier.

Part of the problem is, our son owes me over 15k. Any suggestions?

Tell him that $15K is his wedding present and payment for the wedding also.If he is in debt $15 ,he sure does not need a big bash for a wedding.

A tank of gas and a map to Mesquite is cheaper. I actually paid the bulk of my first and all of my last.

And ANOTHER . . .

Back in the Stone Age when we got married, we decided to pay for our own wedding. That was fine by the in-laws-to-be and they said "good luck" and have a good life. My Mom wanted to help out and pay/provide for something, so we "let" her and Dad host a picnic after the rehearsal. Oue wedding, flowers, wedding dress, tux for me, pictures, reception, invitations and anything else cost us about $600 (1976 dollars). We are still married and looking forward to many more years.

Me and the wife eloped to Cancun......the wedding cost once there was like $135 for a cake, drinks for the guests and 2 "rice god" girls. The maid of honor and the best man were met on the ride from the airport to the hotel......still going after hitting the 25 year mark......so we did something right!!!

The families put on a reception after we got back.....just a big family dinner for 2 families.....

same here

My wife and I also did a destination wedding. Its so much cheaper because no one can afford to go!

Round-trip airfare and 5 nights in a condo resort in Maui: $1600 for two.

Hot wedding planner, dude with ukelele, officiant with conch shell, beach location rental fee and marriage license fees: $900

Professional photographer who digitally mastered the photos and provided 600 pics on DVD to do as we please: $900

Not too bad.

Hopefully he's marrying up.....

My wife & I had a small country church wedding. I paid for the preacher , piano player & cake. Some folks here in the community pitched in some grub for the reception at the church. That was it.


Mike

What he said.

The 15K is a separate issue IMO.

Dale

The burden is only put on you if you want it to be. If you end up paying for it and don't like it, you have only yourself to blame.

As others have said, my wife and I paid for the majority of our own wedding. Our parents paid for some, but we didn't ask or expect them to. We will do what we can for our kids, but won't be taking out loans for their weddings or honeymoon, I can assure you of that.

Your son and future daughter-in-law should be the ones to figure this out and plan a wedding with the means available to them. Nice weddings don't have to be expensive.


As far as your son owing you 15K, thats a separate issue. I've always gone on the assumption that any money given to family members is a gift. If they pay it back, great, but I don't loan family members money with the expectations of ever seeing it again.

We eloped in Las Vegas. Best decision we made. It's not for everyone, but for us it made sense. We planned it for several months and pulled it off without telling anyone.

We had the wedding WE wanted on OUR dime. The wedding should be about the couple, and not the show.

We paid for it ourselves. My wife's parents gave us the money they had been putting away for her wedding, and we put it towards our house.

We didn't have the awkward invitations to people and relatives we didn't really know. Some people sent cards and gifts, and some didn't. No big deal.

The only person who was upset was my sister-in-law. The heck with her.

You've got to remember a wedding is simply a public display of what the guests, and God or whoever, already know. Those that matter know the bride and groom love each other and want to spend their lives together.

No need for a big deal, just the bride and groom, however many witnesses are needed and a celebrant.
Get someone to video it and send copies of the video to all the people you would have had on the guest list.


I've seen people spend the same or more on their wedding as they would on a house deposit. Seems pretty pointless to me, especially so when you consider a lot of the guests are only there for the free meal and party after.












Sorry if I sound jaded about weddings but that's how it all seems to me these days.

My son married 2+ years ago. I paid for the rehearsal dinner. My wife and I helped the brides family set up and clean up the church. It was a small scale, family and very few close friends affair. No catering, just friends and family chipping in with cooking and serving. She left him a year later. Knew that was going to happen on the wedding day, but some things your kids just have to learn on their own. Glad I didn't spend a lot on that one.

My daughter married on April 21 of this year. We gave her a budget, anything over that she and her future husband could pay for. It was a DIY affair. My wife cooked and froze food for weeks ahead of time as well as sewing and making decorations, as did my mom and mother in law. We spent 2 days decorating the church ourselves and cleaning up after. My wife made new curtains and other decorations which we donated to the church afterward.

It didn't really cost that much, and wouldn't have meant anymore if it had. My daughter chose wisely and married a great guy. That is what really matters. If a fancy wedding is more important then the long term chances are more questionable.

We wanted a simple wedding, in the chapel, just witnesses, the priest, and immediate family with an open reception after. Every one but my mother agreed and she got her way. In her opinion if you invite them to the reception you have to invite them to the wedding.
Kept it small, one attendant on each side, ushers, guest book attendant. Had a friend sing and a string quartet (featuring two of my oncologists daughters) provided the music which, in my opinion, was wonderful.
Had an open reception after. Wife and MIL did most of the cooking and all of the decorations. Had a band made up of friends play at the reception and they were great.
Cost us maybe 2g, most out of our own pockets.
My advice-keep it simple and meaningful. EVERYONE who had a part in the wedding inclusing the singer, band, and quartet, meant something to us.
I will never forget it.

The groom don't care anyway he just wants to get it over with and on to the more inportant stuff. [/quote]


Yep.........fishin' and huntin'.


My parents paid for the rehersal dinner and all the tuxes (and perhaps one or 2 more things I can't remember). Understand however, this was in '76 and all that Dear Abby "appropriate" stuff then may not be considered so today. I'm thinkin' that the bride and groom should feel appreciative IF either parents thoughtfully contribute financially to their wedding.

Just my thoughts............

My wife and I paid for our own wedding. It was a small and very simple ceremony. With what I some of our friends are spending on weddings, we used that to put a downpayment on our house. The house is gonna last a he!! of a lot longer than the ceremony.

we had a very traditional wedding my In-laws did what they were suppost to and my folks did what they were suppost to and my grooms men got drunk like they were suppost to. And I washed my truck for the very first time.

Their getting married they can go into debt for any amount they want too.

It was my first wedding, wifes second, I paid for it, although on the day of the wedding which was held at her parents home as they would not agree to have the wedding at their summer home on the lake, and because daughter had been married we did not get to have a church wedding, her parents said they would pay the caterer the four hundred dollar cost.
We did not get away for a honeymoon right away as we had to return all the rental stuff first.
And now it seems I am still paying for it.

Momma and I paid for our own wedding and don't regret it 1 bit.Everything was the way we wanted it to be,neither 1 of us are flucy people.W e will be married 30 years Sept. 26th of this year,so I guess it all worked out.

justice of the peace accomplishes the same end result

FWIW wife and I got married by our pastor out under some huge old live oaks at a Lutheran Camp locally.

We had decided that the cost of weddings was about stupid, and so we did that, we are much more comfortable in jeans day in and day out so why get dressed up? What was the purpose, what is the purpose?

We caught a bunch of fish and friends helped put on a fish fry as a feed.

We ended up spending what we had on vacation IE honeymoon to Alaska.

We invited close friends and family and thats about it. Folks we invite to parties normally.

As to who paid what, my parents and her parents chipped in some, mine more because they wanted to, but we paid for a lot of it on our own.

Weddings and Funerals are way to expensive and in the end really net not a dang thing.

Some people want "the prom". It is neither good or bad. If a bride wants to live out her wedding day (celebrity for a day) with the big church wedding, all the bridesmaids and groomsmen, flower girl/ring bearer, sit down dinner reception for 250 guests, DJ and dancing, photographers, etc.. and have it paid for (by me); lucky her. My daughters wedding is this coming Saturday. She graduated from Campbell University with a degree in English. She just finished her first year teaching HS English with a 90% passing rate on her EOCs. No one is obligated to pay for a wedding. Tradition is just excuses. Whoever wants the "big shindig" should pay. I wanted her and her mother to truly enjoy a memorable day in the way they have always envisioned it. All I see is that sweet little, cuddly thing I made promises to 25 years ago when I held her for the 1st time.

For one thing, the "wedding industry" is a huge ripoff.

Other than that, I believe that adults should pay for their own weddings.

If they're old enough to get married, they're old enough to pay their own way.

A lot of people I know don't like Las Vegas, but the hotels all have wedding planners. If you have people coming from out of town it really makes it nice. You tell them how many guests and how much you want to spend on the ceremony. They will be able to cater to that. You will also, get room rates for the guests and you don't have to entertain everyone.

Do not pay for schit.

Tell them both if they wanted a bigger wedding, her parents should have done better in life.


Travis

My brother told me after he got married, that he figured there are two reasons to get married, love or money....he keeps telling me to go for the money!

"Fair" has nothing to do with it. Contributing to a wedding is a gift to your son or daughter. Giving a gift should bring as much pleasure to the giver as the recipient, so stay within what makes you happy. The parents of the bride-to-be and what they do are a non-factor.

Ding! Ding! Ding!

Traditions vary, I'm from Pioneer stock and we have our own tradition... you can marry in the family church, on the property, in a favorite outdoor setting, even the JP. Then the reception is at one of the main Haciendas with family supplied eats, drinks and entertainment. Been that way long before I was born.

Now when my daughter married, the in-laws from Chicago/Puerto Rico demanded their tradition... Big Catholic wedding, the Marriott ball room for 150 of their relatives, caterers, limousines... blah/blah...

Of course our tradition was dismissed as barbaric...

They got their tradition and payed for it themselves... if they are going to ramrod the wedding like no one else matters they can shell out the dough. Mostly my SIL payed for it. Our main issue was the reception accomodations, as we are setup for hundreds of people at a family venue.

I gave my daughter some cash, bought a Side by side refrigerator and washer/dryer for their new house.

The appliances are going strong after 8 years and both of them wish they had the 15,000 back they spent for one day... the other parents spent 20,000 on their daughters wedding and rubbed it in my face... until she divorced the idiot 8 months later and we now all laugh about the situations... They've since started coming to all our family get togethers and comment on how great the food and relaxing the socializing is.

Kent

A little off topic, but maybe helpful: I spent a lot of time doing wedding photos in my earlier years. I saw too many families up tight and snappish about carrying off the perfect social event. The day is about celebrating an important life event and enjoying time with family and friends. Anything that gets in the way of celebrating and enjoying is counterproductive.

He is wrong.

We mostly figured it was about the lifelong bond the 2 of us joined in that day, and even though we had some family and friends to celebrate, it was about us, and nothing else. Of course the 4 gun blackpowder salute made us grin.

Bingo. If you want to offer them something tell em' you will give it to them after the honeymoon and walk away from the whole thing. Last I knew if you wanted to get married you could seal the deal for the price of a few steak dinners....

W

Well said; neither of our parents were able to help and we wanted no debt so we eloped. Ain't no thang.

My wife and I paid for everything ourselves, and did it under $5,000. We were engaged for about a year, and all along the way, people offered to help. Brother-in-law owned a restaurant and gave us beer for the reception. Uncle had a ice cream parlor and got us soft drinks. Grandmother wanted to do flowers, so we just let her roll with it. Wife's aunt wanted to do hair and made the gals a breakfast. Her dress was off the clearance rack for $100 and she had modifications/alterations done and it was beautiful. We put up a monster tent on their farm for the reception. So on and so on...In about a year all the pieces fell into place. People would offer to do something, and we'd just let them. It made for a great day....

I've been to weddings where most of the guests were from Daddy's office and Mommy's sewing circle and they flat out sucked. The B&G were nothing but stressed the entire time like it was a [bleep] presidential gala. "oh we have to go shake hands with this person...blah, blah"

My feeling is that if you have to introduce your wife to a new face on your wedding day, they prolly shouldn't have been on the guest list to begin with..

Saddlesore nailed it.

L.W.

My wife and I paid for the wedding. So far we have never asked her parents or mine for any money. I much prefer it this way.

Tell 'em they're having a small wedding, then.

I'm paying for my daughter's right now. Gotta go change for it now. I sure wouldn't step in for my son's, unless I wanted to, and I can't see that happening anytime soon.

Thanks all for the opinions. I'll let you know how things turn out.

One of the funniest toasts I ever heard was a guy that said "and above all, I hope that all your kids are born naked"

maybe I was drunk....

good luck!

When my BIL got married, they were struggling to finance the thing. He'd asked several of us close relatives to be groomsmen but he was having a real hard time figuring out how to afford the tuxes. I told him to go with the black suits that we all had and put the money to a better use. It didn't take him long to agree.

Woulda made for an interesting evening if it was from the step-father of the bride.

well getting married for sex is like buying a jumbo jet for the free peanuts

I had a relative get married on the first day of archery season once!

And he's a hunter!!

Funny what the bride can talk guys in to...

As for me; my wife & I paid for it. That way, we got to make the rules.

Very small (10 people), outdoors, beside Oak Creek in Sedona.

As others have said, weddings are just very expensive parties for your friends and a whole bunch of other people that you barely know.

We put the money in to building a new house, and taking a 10 year (rather than 30 year) mortgage to pay it off. Money MUCH wiser spent than a big elaborate wedding.

This is how we handled it as well.

We got married in the Lutheran church.
The only expense was the preacher's fee,we all went to a steak house for a meal after.
Things went well after eating,we were at home when my little brother came knocking at the door.
He was to late to interrupt anything.

Tell your son and his bride a justice of the peace wedding will cost less than $100, and they want start their life together in the hole for a several thousand dollar party.

I don't know why so many brides want to impress everyone with the size and pomp of their weddings. Saturday afternoon I photographed the wedding of a friend's daughter. She didn't have much money, so she made the decorations and kept everything simple. I was more impressed by her use of ingenuity that by the use of $$$ in so many other weddings. At the end of the day they were just as married as the other couples and the costs were negligible. I have seen weddings so expensive that the couple could have paid for a Hawaiian honeymoon with less.