A good article, and very much worth the read:

Dealing with Grief

Penny

thank you for your post.

Grief can be excruciatingly painful. trust me on that one.

dealing with grief is a process that takes time. surely, we can all agree to that reality.

In the condolence line after the memorial service for Carol Anne, a sweet lady patted my arm and murmured "I know just what you're going through. My cat died last year."

I knew that she meant well, so I just smiled and said "Thank you."

(It just now occurs to me that she may've been a spinster.)

Dumbassed spinster maybe, Ken.
Sorry, also, for your loss.

I have heard 1, 4, and 5, of what NOT to say a lot. Number 1 is the one that really pizzes me off the most.

I have used variations of 1 through 5 of what say sometimes when I can think.

Thanks for posting.

I'm sure that the large number of blockheads on here will never understand that minister's blog.

It is truly astonishing what some presumably well meaning people say in a time of grief. Been there.

People feel like they have to say something, but they don't know what to say. So that leads to their saying something outrageous but not intended to be that way. Ken gave an excellent personal example.

I have gotten so that I never ever say, "I know how you feel" or even "I can imagine how you feel" unless I have been through exactly the same set of circumstances.

Most of the time, just being there and listening is better than saying anything. Or if you have to say something, say, "I love you and I am here for you. What can I do to help you?" or something along those lines.

Penny

Sometimes a long term hug is the best thing you can do.

Good advice. - oldundertaker

This blockhead does. I read it twice. Some of the dos I already knew but I did learn from reading it.



Tim my friend, sometimes your depth truly amazes me. Some day I hope to sit with you face to face.

I'll agree with you there!

Penny

One of the few worthwhile things I've seen on the *7%$$#@ Huffington Post.
Thanks for sharing.

Mom had raised her much younger brother Shep, so he was both brother and "son" to her emotionally. When he died when he was only 32, she was doubly stricken. (I was 21, at home on emergency leave, so I remember it all too well.)

At home, she was strong, calm, and unemotional, and went about her every-day matters as she usually did.

But whenever a lady friend rushed into her arms with sobs and "Oh, Evelyn!" she went to pieces and was still shaken for a while after her "comforter" had left. But then she went back to normal. There were several such "comforters" for several days after Shep's death, and the same inevitably repeated pattern of behaviors was unmistakably obvious.

I was increasingly proud of my mom and increasingly disgusted and furious with her "comforters."

Accentuating grief is no way to assuage it.

You are not a blockhead my friend.

I'm working on it. I have a new Honda CR-V. Maybe next summer. We'll have to see.

Thanks. I just said to my wife that, "Penny is one woman I would like to meet." Maybe someday.

If the shoe fits I am willing to admit it.


Maybe we should invite Penny too.

Sure. Think we will have to include Barak?

Barak is anything but stupid. He would not let her unguarded in the wilds with you and me.

Like just about everybody else who shows-up here at the 'fire from time to time, "Barak" is a lot nicer guy in person than on-line.

And "Penny" is in no way ever a disappointment.

He could.

Thank you Ken. This is about as fine a complement as a man can get.

See and hear you in a little over a month.

I was thinking of "Penny."

4. God doesn't give you more than you can handle.

Baloney. This one is absolutely true. It may not help someone who doesn't want to hear it. Or a child who can't understand it. But it's true. God will not give you a cross you cannot bear. You just have to have faith.

Faith is what is lacking in today's society.

Its truth or falsity isn't the question here.

The question is whether it's the right thing to say when the intent is to comfort a grieving person.

"The sun will come up tomorrow" is presumably true, but it's probably not the best way to comfort a grieving person � just as UNcomforting as "Think of all the people who've lost more than you have."

I think of Job's three friends. When they first showed up to "comfort" Job, they pulled up a stump, sat down, and kept their mouths shut for seven whole days. That was the most help they were to poor Job. It was when they got to "solving" Job's problems, and trying to be a comfort to him that Job made the statement, "Miserable comforters are ye all.." (Job 16:2)

Never pass up a chance to shut up!

Jim

Ok, I would have to say it depends on the person being told. It would be a judgement call as to whether they could understand the point at the time. I could see it going either way with a lot of the things said in the article. Especially this one.

Perfectly said.

Good article Penny, thanks for that.

Thank you, Penny. I have never understood the need that people seem to feel to ensure that someone who has suffered misfortune fully understands that what they have experienced is far greater in magnitude than the person realizes, requiring more pain and suffering than they are currently feeling. This is especially true when dealing with children who have experienced a traumatic event. It seems that the goal is to make absolutely certain that the child fully understands that he/she should have the event imprinted deeply on his/her soul/mind and realizes that it should have a life-long detrimental effect.

I'm not too thrilled with some that are recommended.

Really? Tell that to Adam Lanza.

When we lost my wife's son last year (her only child), I have to say we got more of the things from the what to say list than we did from the what not to say list. Our church family was incredibly supportive. Mostly folks just hugged us and and expressed their sorrow for us. I was at a loss for what to say to my wife. Mostly I just held her and let her cry. Many, many nights she cried herself to sleep in my arms with nothing being said.

I think the coldest thing that was done was at work when a number of those I supervise, wanted to get a nice card, signed by many of them, were turned down by my boss and told that what was happening in my life was none of their business. It wasn't as if our son's death was a big secret. I found the boss's response exceedingly cold when a group of normally hard individuals wanted to reach out in an act of kindness.

I am thankful to God for all the kindness showed by so many people. We were very fortunate that we were so well supported by family and friends through it all.

Mart

Thanks,

Penny,

Thank you for sharing this. Excellent blog by the Reverend!

As to your post above, I believe you have hit the nail on the head. We can feel the anguish of the bereaved, but don't have the solution for what can take away their pain, so just being available to support them in whatever way they need is the best thing we can do.

Ed

Soft, warm, compassionate touch devoid of comment is always worlds more eloquent than any "wisdom" that's to be found in spoken words. And it's often the only thing to "say."


The world has relinquished one of our greatest treasures to the abominable notion that coldness, distance, disengagement, and uninvolvement are cherishable virtues. Controlled abstention from maudlin hysteria does NOT require callousness.

Talking about hitting the nail on the head! Feeling the agony of loss and knowing there is nothing that can be said has tears in my eyes the last couple of days and keeps me from even opening our friend Ken's Christmas anniversary post.

Don't know who that is. And it do t change my opinion. As I said, it probably depends on the person being told. I would never say it to someone who didn't believe in God for example.

Hose very words helped me quite a bit when I lost someone. So it's subjective.

That's a good read!

I have been to a "death notification" class put on by a woman who works closely with the VTSP (she's not LEO, but goes to the vast majority of their notifications with a Trooper). I actually went twice....once with my boss and, then, Sgt. and later after I was promoted.

Many of the topics covered encompassed the "do and don't" lists in your article. I'm very, very cautious about bringing God up at any point during a notification or "untimely" call that I attend. If I know the involved person and/or family it changes things a little. Likewise, I can't really do the hug thing either.

I tend to stick with "This is a terrible situation and I can't guess what you're going through. I'll do anything I can to help/support/find assistance in whatever you need if it's within my power. That, and I'm here if you need someone to punch...." I've found that just being honest and available gets most through the initial process. Beyond that, everyone is different and needs different support systems.

George

A lot of the difficulty in knowing what to say would sublimate if we'd just try to feel a person's grief instead of trying to say something staggeringly wise, clever, compassionate, or comforting about it. Silent presence is often the most eloquent thing that we can "say." The inability to speak actually speaks volumes, some times.

No arguing that.