Into a Belfast pub comes Paddy Murphy, looking like he'd just been run over by a train. His arm is in a sling, his nose is broken, his face is cut and bruised and he's walking with a limp.
"What happened to you?" asks Sean, the bartender.
"Jamie O'Conner and me had a fight," says Paddy.
"That little [bleep], O'Conner," says Sean, "He couldn't do that to you. He must have had something in his hand."
"That he did," says Paddy, "a shovel is what he had, and a terrible lickin' he gave me with it."
"Well," says Sean, "you should have defended yourself. “Didn't you have something in your hand?"
That I did," said Paddy. "Mrs. O'Conner's breast, and a thing of beauty it was, but useless in a fight."
Hell, that could be a true story!
Steve
Sean and Paddy were sitting across the bar and Sean asked Paddy where he went to school.
St Margaret's replied Paddy. Me too said Sean. Can't believe it!!!!
When did ye graduate asked Sean. 82 replied Paddy. Me too replied Sean. Can't believe it!!!!
What town did ye live in, ask Sean. Dublin replied Paddy. Damn me too, can't believe it can ye!!!!
What street? Abby Street replied Paddy. No way said Sean. Can't believe it.
Finally another patron said to the bartender, it's hard to believe those two don't already know each other. To which the bartender replied. They do, but the O'Malley twins are kicked in the ass again.
Two men were sitting next to each other at Murphy’s Pub in London. After awhile, one bloke looks at the other and says, ‘I can’t help but think, from listening to you, that you’re from Ireland’ The other bloke responds proudly, ‘Yes, that I am!’ The first one says, ‘So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?’ The other bloke answers, ‘I’m from Dublin, I am.’ The first one responds, ‘So am I!’ ‘Mother Mary and begora. And what street did you live on in Dublin ?’ The other bloke says, ‘A lovely little area it was. I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town.’ The first one says, ‘Faith and it’s a small world. So did I! So did I! And to what school would you have been going?’ The other bloke answers, ‘Well now, I went to St. Mary’s, of course.’ The first one gets really excited and says, ‘And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?’ The other bloke answers, ‘Well, now, let’s see. I graduated in 1964.’ The first one exclaims, ‘The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same place tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary’s in 1964 my own self!’ About this time, Vicky walks up to the bar, sits down and orders a drink. Brian, the barman, walks over to Vicky, shaking his head and mutters, ‘It’s going to be a long night tonight.’
Vicky asks, ‘Why do you say that, Brian?’ ‘The Murphy twins are drunk again.’
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, “I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I’ll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.”
The room is quiet and no one takes up the Texan’s offer. One man even leaves. Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. “Is your bet still good?”, asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all back-to-back. The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement.
The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, “If ya don’t mind me askin’, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?”
The Irishman replies, “Oh…I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first”.
