Home Forums Miscellaneous Topics Humor, Jokes, and Riddles Huntin' with Gunwriters - Pts 5 & 6

Huntin’ with Gunwriters - Part Five
copyright 2004 - Stephen Redgwell

"Sounds like you've got all the bases covered Joe." Elmer said. "I won't tell you what I have because it would sound like braggin'."

"Come on Elmer, tell us what's on your wall." It was Ken that started everything. Then he took another drink and said, "In fact, you should tell us ALL about your guns too, Jack. I'm told you like custom made rifles. I'm sure that the boys would love to hear all about them. You being a famous hunter and all..."


Jack’s lion, strapped to the front of the safari truck.

Rene had a mouth full of hooch and cold fish in his mouth but spit it directly into the fire when he heard what Ken said. The flames flew into the air and made him look like one of them Frankenstein monsters in the movies.

"Tabernac! You gots a custom gun?"

"Well, actually, I have over two dozen, Frenchy. I take the big bores with me to Africa and..." But Jack didn't get the chance to finish his sentence.

"A couple of dozen? Dats twenty-four right? They must be expensive. $200 or maybe $300 each?"

"No, more like $1,000 dollars each. But I only use a few of them on a regular basis. They were all commissioned pieces."

Elmer started to laugh and said, "There you go, Frenchy. How many years would it take you just to buy one of his rifles? Pass the 'shine please." He continued, "Me, I got more handguns than anything else. I think I got about thirty rifles, but I got at least a hundred handguns. Revolvers mostly."

Well sir, as drunk as Rene was, he just couldn't imagine that many guns in one place - outside of the army that is.

"I got to go relieve my kidneys. Tabernac! I would need a nudder house if I had dat many!"

The drinkin' and gun talk carried on for a few more hours. By the time we was talked out, Joe and Rene was passed out. I laid back on the booze a little though, 'cause I wanted to hear all about their adventures and guns and stuff. It must of bin about ten o'clock when we all turned in.

When I went to sleep that night, I dreamed about Africa and custom guns and havin' $1000 dollars for to spend on a rifle. Boy, them writers sure must be well paid!

Morning came too quickly. I didn't feel good gettin' up, but you should have seen Rene and Elmer. I've seen people what was dead for three days that looked better! Every movement was an effort. Elmer put on a brave face because of Jack. See, Jack got up with the sun, washed and started fryin' bacon and eggs. He was nice enough to let the smell blow into the tent, which woke everybody up. Rene started gaggin'. Elmer turned green.

"Hey Elmer! How's your head this morning?" Jack yelled into the tent. "Too much moonshine last night?" He was enjoyin' this. You could tell. But Elmer, he just sat up, looked Jack straight in the eye and said,


Jack, cooking bacon.

"No, I think I had about the right amount. Is breakfast ready, or do you need help?" Then he pointed at Rene, "Hey, Frenchy doesn't look so good..."

You could tell that Elmer was tryin' to change the subject, but he was right about Rene. He looked kind of a snot green colour and was makin' these strange snoring, grunting noises too. Elmer whistled loud inside the tent, which had to hurt him just as much as Rene. Rene fell out of bed, flat on his face.

"TABERNAC! Who's makin' da noise?" And he stared right at Elmer. "I better be dead, 'cause if I ain't, I gonna hit that whistler guy!!" And he shook his fist in the air.

Elmer started laughin' and said, "Hey Frenchy, why are you gonna hit me? Hit Jack instead. The fool started cookin' all that greasy food and whistled to make you mad!"

"What? I tink you're right, Elmer. He's not too smart for a college boy. You just wait, Jack. When I figger out where da floor is, I'm gonna stand up and...and...Maybe I sleep some more..." And down he went, flat on his face again.

I said to leave him. The day wasn't startin' the way I figured. Jack's cookin', Elmer's tryin' to start trouble already and Rene's 'too drunk to get up.

In these situations, you play things by ear. Jack was over by the horses, checkin' them out. I said, "Them two may be feelin' a bit under the weather, but I know that they can still get the horses ready faster 'n you. You should finish breakfast or read or somethin'..."

Jack swallowed the bait. "What are you saying, Al? Are you saying that I know nothing about horses? I certainly don't need anyone to help me get them ready to go. Especially not those two!"

I had to keep him busy so that Rene and Elmer could get on their feet. Plus, I had the problem of findin' out where Ken and Joe got to. They wasn't in the tent or anywhere around.

Huntin’ with Gunwriters - Part Six
copyright 2004 - Stephen Redgwell

The answer to their whereabouts wasn't a long time comin'. Down towards the water, I heard some singin'.

"Yer cheatin' heart, will make you weep.
You'll cry and cry, and try to sleep.
But sleep won't come, the whole day through.
Yer cheatin' heart, will tell on you!"


Ken and Joe fishin’ and singin’

Up the trail, from the edge of the lake, came Ken and Joe. They was singin', laughin' and generally makin' happy noises. It was crazy, so I had to ask, "Jeez. What's all the ruckus? Where have you guys been?"

Ken had a grin a mile wide on his face. He had a fishin' pole in one hand and four chunky pickerel in the other.

"You know Al, this is a great beginning to the trip. Outstanding campfire chat last night. I even think I saw Elmer smile! Now this..."

You'd a thought Ken was 10 years old! He caught a nice mess of fish and watched the sun rise. Joe and him got up before Jack and headed off to do some fishin' at the lake.

"Al," Ken continued, "I never get the chance to do this at home! Trout, bass, whatever. It's so relaxing to get up, walk down to the water and fish. And this is just the beginning! Throw in a moose and a man's got to be in heaven!"
At least their day started good. I seen that Jack was feedin' and tendin' to the horses. Elmer was splashin' cold water on his face and helpin' Rene to get up. Hey, maybe this wasn't goin' to be so bad after all! I finished gettin' breakfast ready and boiled up a big pot of coffee. Then I called everyone over.

"Breakfast!! Grab your gutwrenches and dig in! We'll fill our stomachs, tear down the tent and start for Nerly Corners." Then I turned to Jack and said, "You're a marvel with them nags."

Jack smiled and commented that not all college boys were ignorant about the ways of the outdoors. He even complimented Elmer on puttin' the horses to bed the night before. Wow!

For a bunch of Yanks, they wasn't so bad. It sure looked like we'd have a good time on this trip. Everybody got along and helped out. What else could you ask for?

The only thing left to do was to make our way to Warton and get ready for the main part of the hunt!

Gettin' to the cabin only took a few hours on the second day. Boy, was I glad to see it! It was built on Crown land that I leased a few years ago. It was a combination hunting camp and fur trappin' place.

Me and the guys built it out of logs in what them outdoors books call "the traditional style". Basically it was a log box with a loft makin' up the second floor, and a partial dirt basement. There was a regular fireplace and a couple of wood stoves for heat and cookin'.


Al on the porch

The main floor was pretty much open. The kitchen area had a big cookin' wood stove and a fair size wood table for to eat off. A railin' separated the eatin' area from the "lounge". This was where I put a bunch of pine seats and tables, but it also included a REAL couch what I bought mail order from Simpson Sears! It even pulled out into a bed!.

Opposite from the lounge was three small bedrooms what made up the rest of the main floor. They had sheets for doors, but they was generally left open for the heat to circulate when it got cold outside.

The loft was just an open area with three more beds and a couple of night tables. It weren't no fancy hotel, but it was comfortable.

Joe was real proud of the outhouse. All things considered, it was fancy for a bush privy. It was an honest to goodness three holer with a window and a magazine rack. He even put in a metal box what held the toilet paper. Okay, it was gaudy, but a man should be comfortable when he's doin' his business. (Although I never could understand why he put the third hole in...)

There was a fur hut and small stable next to the cabin. When we got there, everybody took their mounts into the stable, cleaned 'em up and left them feed. The supplies and other stuff went into the cabin.

Elmer was the first person in. "Wow! This is a great place you got Al. Digs like this could convince a man not to go home..."

"Thanks Elmer. And of course, the guests all get their pick of the sleepin' spots. You can use one of the bedrooms, or go up top into the loft." That made me feel good. You know, like the manager of one of them ritzy hotels where all the rich folks go to when they're visitin' the big city.

Jack, Ken and Joe come through the door about that time. They was carryin' some bags and rifles in. Jack said, "Beautiful! Did you build this place yourself Al?" He seemed impressed.

"I sure did. Rene and Joe helped too of course..." To which Joe added, "Yeah, like we cut down, shaped and constructed the place when Al was on the trap lines. Only a little help, of course!"

"Okay Joe, everybody had a hand in it. Don't make it sound like you was the only one! Why don't you show Jack and Ken the outhouse?" I knew that would get him off the subject.

"Oh yeah! You guys have got to see it. I done it completely myself! I put in one of them guest registers too. Fancy, eh? Don't forget to sign it!"

Last four part coming soon.