Home Forums Miscellaneous Topics Humor, Jokes, and Riddles A Few Jokes

A couple are at the airport in Phoenix, awaiting their flight.
They are dressed in heavy boots, parka, scarf, mittens,
and all ready to head home to the Canadian winter.
An older American couple standing nearby are intrigued
by their manner of dress.
The wife says to her husband, "Look at that couple.
I wonder where they're from?"
He replies, "How would I know?"
She counters, "You could go and ask them."
He says, "I don't really care. You want to know, you go ask them."
She decides to do just that, walks over to the couple and asks,
"Excuse me, I’ve noticed the way you're dressed and
I wonder where you're from?"
The Canadian farmer replies, "Saskatoon, Saskatchewan."
The woman returns to her husband who asks,
“So, where are they from?"
She replies, "I don't know. They don't speak English."

I met a girl the other evening.

There was an instant spark between us and she immediately dropped to her knees and laid on the grass at my feet.

As we lay making love, I thought,

"These taser guns are well worth the money."

Dog v. Wife

1. The later you are, the more excited your dogs are to see you.


2. Dogs don't notice if you call them by another dog's name.


3. Dogs like it if you leave a lot of things on the floor.


4. A dog's parents never visit.

5. Dogs agree that you have to raise your voice to get your point across.

6. You never have to wait for a dog; they're ready to go 24 hours a day.

7. Dogs find you amusing when you're drunk.

8. Dogs like to go hunting and fishing.

9. A dog will not wake you up at night to ask, "If I died, would you get another dog?"

10. If a dog has babies, you can put an ad in the paper and give them away.

11. A dog will let you put a studded collar on it without calling you a pervert.

12. If a dog smells another dog on you, they don't get mad. They just think it's interesting.

13. Dogs like to ride in the back of a pickup truck.

And last, but not least:

14. If a dog leaves, it won't take half of your stuff.


To test this theory: Lock your wife and your dog in the garage for an
hour or two while you’re surfing. Then open it and see who's happy to see you!

Sex & Calories

They say that during sex you burn off as many calories as running 8 miles.

Who the hell runs 8 miles in 45 seconds?

I went up to this girl, and tried to charm her by saying, "Hi, I was going to tell you a joke about my penis, but it's too long."

She said, "Oh what a coincidence, I was going to tell you a joke about my pussy, but you'll never get it."

A Prostitute's Tax Return...

A woman walks into a Kalgoolie accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
He gets her name, address etc. And then asks, "What's your occupation?"
"I'm a prostitute," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, "Let's try to re phrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite poultry farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does poultry farming have to do with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year."
"Poultry Farmer it is."

The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase. The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise.
She asked "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"
Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze." "The first is that I iron better than you."
Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"
Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."
Wife: "Oh yeah?"
Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."
Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me ?"
Maria: "Jor hozban did."
Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"
Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you
Wife: (Really boiling now and gritting her teeth):
"And did my husband say that as well?"
Maria: "No Señora....the gardener did.
Wife: "So, how much do you think would be fair ??"

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.

So, the next Monday at 12:01 the first person came to the gates of Heaven.

The Angel at the gate, remembering the new policy, promptly asked the man, “Before I let you in, I need you to tell me how your day was going when you died.”

“No problem,” the man said. “I came home to my 25th-floor apartment on my lunch hour and caught my wife having an affair. But her lover was nowhere in sight.. I immediately began searching for him. My wife was half naked and yelling at me as I searched the entire apartment. Just as I was about to give up, I happened to glance out onto the balcony and noticed that there was a man hanging off the edge by his fingertips! The nerve of that guy!

Well, I ran out onto the balcony and stomped on his fingers until he fell to the ground. But wouldn’t you know it, he landed in some trees and bushes that broke his fall and he didn’t die. This ticked me off even more. In a rage, I went back inside to get the first heavy thing I could get my hands on to throw at him. Oddly enough, the first thing I thought of was the refrigerator. I unplugged it, pushed it out onto the balcony, and tipped it over the side. It plummeted 25 stories and crushed him! The excitement of the moment was so great that I had a heart attack and died almost instantly.”

The Angel sat back and thought a moment. Technically, the guy did have a bad day. It was a crime of passion.

So, the Angel announced, “OK, sir.. Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,”and let him in.

A few seconds later the next guy came up. To the Angel’s surprise, it was Donald Trump.

“Mr. Trump, before I can let you in, I need to hear about what your day was like when you died.”

Trump said, “No problem. But you’re not going to believe this. I was on the balcony of my 26th floor apartment doing my daily exercises. I had been under a lot of pressure so I was really pushing hard to relieve my stress. I guess I got a little carried away, slipped, and accidentally fell over the side! Luckily, I was able to catch myself by the fingertips on the balcony below mine. But all of a sudden this crazy man comes running out of his apartment, starts cussing, and stomps on my fingers. Well, of course I fell. I hit some trees and bushes at the bottom, which broke my fall, so I didn’t die right away. As I’m laying there face up on the ground, unable to move and in excruciating pain, I see this guy push his refrigerator of all things off the balcony. It falls the 25 floors and lands on top of me, killing me.”

The Angel is quietly laughing to himself as Trump finishes his story. “I could get used to this new policy,” he thinks to himself. “Very well,” the Angel announces. “Welcome to the Kingdom of Heaven,” and he lets Trump enter.

A few seconds later, Bill Clinton comes up to the gate. The Angel is almost too shocked to speak. Thoughts of assassination and war pour through the Angel’s head. Finally he says, “Mr. President, please tell me what it was like the day you died.”

Clinton says, “OK, picture this. I’m naked, inside a refrigerator……”

An Alabama Police Officer was patrolling late at night off the main highway.

At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, on Lovers' Lane, with the interior light brightly glowing.

He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees Roy Moore, a young Assistant District Attorney behind the wheel, reading a legal brief.

The policeman immediately notices a very young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the officer walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

ADA Moore lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?”

The trooper asks, "What are you doing?”

ADA Moore says, "Well, officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat, the policeman asks, “And, her, what is she doing?"

ADA Moore shrugs, "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails."

Now, the officer is totally confused.

A couple, alone, in a car, at night in Lover's Lane and nothing obscene is happening!

The policeman asks, "What's your age Mr. Moore?"

ADA Moore replies, "I'm 38, officer."

The officer then asks, "And her, what's her age?"

ADA Moore looks at his watch and replies, "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes.”

A woman goes into Bass Pro Shop angler’s store to buy a rod and reel for her grandson’s birthday. She doesn’t know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.
She asks a Bass Pro Shop attendant wearing dark shades, “Excuse me, Sir. Can you tell me anything about this rod and reel?”
He says, “Ma’am, I’m completely blind; but if you’ll drop it on the counter, I can tell you everything from the sound it makes.”
She doesn’t believe him but drops it on the counter, anyway.
He says, “That’s a six-foot Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco 404 reel and 10-LB. test line. It’s a good all-around combination and it’s on sale this week for only $20..”
She says, “It’s amazing how you can tell all that, just by the sound of it dropping on the counter. I’ll take it!” As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.
“Oh, that sounds like a Master Card,” he says.
She bends down to pick it up, and accidentally farts. She is embarrassed; but realizes the blind clerk couldn’t tell it was she. He wouldn’t know that she was the only person around.
The man rings up the sale and says, “That’ll be $34.50 please.”
The woman is confused by this, and asks, “Didn’t you tell me the rod and reel were on sale for $20? How did you get $34.50?”
He replies, “Yes, Ma’am. The rod and reel is $20. But the Duck Call is $11.00 and the Bear Repellent is $3.50.”

What do we want?
HEARING AIDS!

When do we want them?
HEARING AIDS!