Home Forums Hunting & Shooting Hunter's Campfire A long way to go

just to groan. And before you attack me for these, remember that a good pun is its own reword.

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.


A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"


Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression; "He who has a Tates is lost!"


A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."


An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on....



Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Skillfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes himself a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done with consummate ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master. Anyway, poor Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself. Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the forks, Luke."



I, too, once had a friend, Joe, who worked in the coal mines. Unfortunately, he was killed in a freak accident when some movers lost their grip on a grand piano they were transporting; the piano fell down the mine shaft and crushed Joe to death. A local composer wrote an orchestral piece in memory of Joe: It was called "Symphony in A Flat Miner."


This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"



A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."



Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.


Mother Gnu was waiting for Papa Gnu as he came home for dinner one evening. "Our little boy was very bad today," she declared. "I want you to punish him." "Oh no," said Father Gnu. "I won't punish him. You'll have to learn to paddle your own gnu."


Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best: The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had nary a chance. The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength--none in the forest dared to challenge him. The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature. As the trio debated the issue, a grizzly bear came along and swallowed them all: hawk, lion and stinker!


A certain man had a daughter who was...how do I say this tactfully... ugly. Well, in a desperate attempt to marry her off, this man found an available young gentleman by the name of Herz. He invited him over to supper and, with the promise of a large dowry, suggested Mr. Herz wink at the girl during the meal. Unfortunately, once he saw her, no amount of money would have coaxed him to bat his lashes....which just goes to show you: You can lead a Herz to daughter, but you can't make him wink.



The other day I decided to bake a cake and so, with my wife's permission, I got set to work in the kitchen. Then I discovered that we didn't have any butter, so I sent my dog to buy some. On the way, he passed a bookstore and, being intrigued by a display in the window, he went in and came home with a dog-eared book of poems. The point of my story is: Never send a literary dog to the grocery store because . . . he'll get verse before he gets butter!"


And finale...

One fine day in ancient Rome, Julius Caesar turned his attention to a problem plaguing his mighty empire: laundry. Getting all those white togas clean was a constant pain. He also had some weird ideas that if he could get the togas stiff enough, they would be like a light coat of armor... not enough to last through a sustained battle, but enough to ward off an assassin's arrow. He figured the easiest way to get this done on a large scale would be to dump a bunch of detergent into a tidal pool, and dump the toga's in afterwards. (This was two thousand years ago... the environmental movement was restricted to a few druids here and there). The gentle motion of the tides would wash the dirt out. Afterwards, all that would have to be done would be to throw some starch in, and then pull the toga's out to dry. He assigned this task to some of his scientists and engineers. They started executing his plan, and all was going well until they threw in the starch. The goddess of nature, angered at the environmental destruction, caused a huge tidal wave to spring up and wash over the assembled workers. A stiff breeze afterwards dried them off so quickly they were all frozen into place. After a little while, Caesar began to wonder about the progress of the enterprise, so he decided to visit the site with some of his advisors. Arriving at the tidal pool, he was unable to make heads or tails of the sight of his workers stuck standing there. Until of course, one of his advisors whispered to him: . . . "Beware, the tides of starch."

Absolutely awful! I loved them.

What a lot of work for a few puns!

There was once court jester that loved making puns. At some point the king, sick of his puns, sentenced him to be hung at the gallows. At the last minute the king softened his heart, and gave the jester a reprieve on the condition he never make another pun. When they took the noose off the jester's head, he rubbed his neck, and said, No noose, is good noose, so they hanged him!

Jim, you must have had the day off. Can’t you find something more constructive to do with your time? 😉

A long pun for a short slide.

🤩

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their lives studying the grizzly bear.

Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study the bears. Finally their request was granted, and they immediately flew to Yellowstone.

They reported to the ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was too dangerous to go out and study the animals.

They pleaded that this was their only chance, and finally the ranger relented.

The Russian and the Czech were given portable phones and told to report in every day. For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists.

The rangers mounted a search party and found the camp completely ravaged, with no sign of the missing men. Following the trails of a male and a female bear, they finally caught up with the female. Fearing an international incident, they decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientist. They killed the female and opened the stomach to find the remains of the Russian.

One ranger turned to the other and said, " You know what this means, don't you?" The other ranger responded..

"I guess it means the Czech's in the male."

STOP_STOP_STOP!!!!!!!!!

A frog hops into a bank. He sees a sign that says "Loan Department", and he hops in. He locates an office marked "Patricia Track, Loan Officer". He hops up on a chair, and says, "I'd like to take out a loan."

Ms. Track smiled graciously, and said that she would be happy to help. "What's your name?" she asked. "I'm Kermit Jagger. You may have heard of my father, Mick. Lots of really weird stuff going on in those days."

The loan officer allowed that they would like to offer him a loan. "What is the purpose of your loan?" she asked.

Kermit said that he wanted to buy a boat for about $65,000.

"Very well," she said. "Do you have something to offer as collateral?"

"Well, I do." said Kermit, pulling out a purple ceramic elephant and placing it on the loan officers desk.

The loan officer was a little nonplussed by this, and excused herself to go show the elephant to the bank president, and ask his advice. After carefully listening to the whole tale, he said,

"It's a nick-nack Patty Track.
Give the frog a loan.
His old man's
A Rolling Stone."

Groan, groan, groan...............................Hahahahahahahaha.

All wonderful stuff. It takes a dull mind to not appreciate good puns.

Thanks for posting these. My old friend loves these. He is undergoing chemo for lung cancer and having a tough go of it. I will send him one of these a day to give him a little smile and let him know I"m here.

Thanks for telling me that. I just post these as a little R&R from the heavy political threads but would be honored to know they were bringing a smile to someone who really needs it.

I do appreciate them Jim especially that Far Side thread.

Some good laughs.

Ugh......

Love em, as does our daughter.

Now we need some Far Side cartoons.

Thanks to all, for the good entertainment. Nothing like a good pun, and all of these were good one’s! memtb

A Military lab has developed a pizza that boasts a shelf life of three years without being frozen, and now the Week has asked its readers to name this durable dish. Here’s what they came up with:
•Semper Pie
•The Lasting Supper
•In-dough-structible
•Pizza de Resistance
•DeFrigNo!
•Auld Lang Slice
•Eternal Piece
•Grandpapa John’s Pizza