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Know any?


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Three labs at the vet; yellow, chocolate and black.

Black lab: Oh man! I'm F'd! Boss said he's tired of me chewing up everything. Said he's gonna chop off my nuts!

Chocolate lab: Oh man! I'm F'd too! Boss said he's tired of me digging holes in the yard. Said he's gonna chop off my nuts!

Yellow lab: Oh man! I'm F'd too! My boss's old lady was stripping down for a bath and I mounted up and put it to her! I'm screwed!

Black lab: They gonna chop yer nuts off?

Yellow lab: No, I'm just here to get dew clawed. Why?


Screw you! I'm voting for Trump again!

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Ouch ! The pooch got poochie

Last edited by Kenneth66; 08/18/19.
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Originally Posted by wabigoon
Know any?

A few...



A woman goes to the super market every week and buys 10 large cans of dog food.

The grocer gets to know her as a regular customer and one day asks what kind of dog she has. 'oh no' she says, I don't have a dog, I feed it to my husband, he loves it'.

The grocer was shocked at hearing this, and warned her that if she continued to feed her husband dog food it would kill him for sure.

The woman seemed unconcerned and continued to buy the dog food every week.

About a month later she stopped buying the dog food, the grocer was happy to see this and asked her how her husband was.

'He's dead' she replied.'I'm sorry to hear that' he said 'but I warned you that feeding your husband dog food would kill him'

'Oh no' she said 'it wasn't the dog food that killed him, he was sitting in the middle of the road licking his dick and a truck run over him'.

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Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua . As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman Said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought,"What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said,

"A Chihuahua? They gave me a fuc king Chihuahua ?!


/John

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Three Labrador retrievers were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's one morning and struck up a conversation.

The black lab turned to the yellow lab and said, " So why are you here ? "

The yellow lab replied, " I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed."

The black lab gave him a sympathetic look. " So what’s the vet going to do ? "

" Going to cut my nuts off " came the reply from the yellow lab. " They hope it'll calm me down." He then asked the black lab, " Why are you here? "


The black lab shrugged. " I'm a digger. Can’t seem to stop. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm in the house, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in my owners' couch."

" So what are they going to do to you ? " the yellow lab inquired.

" Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected black lab said.

The black lab then looked at the chocolate lab and asked, " So, how ‘bout you? Why are you here ? "



" Oh, I'm a humper," said the chocolate lab. " I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, whatever. I hump everything I see."

Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started hammering away."

The black and the yellow labs nodded in commiseration and said, " So, it's nuts off for you too, huh ?"

The chocolate lab shook his head. " No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped. "

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jpb

laugh
laugh
laugh


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The worst slaves are those that put the chains on themselves.
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And lastly, something a bit more didactic:



A man goes into a library and asks for a book about Pavlov's dogs and Schrodinger's cat.

The librarian says, "It rings a bell, but I don't know whether it's there or not"

/John

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Scientific

laugh


Ed

A person who asks a question is a fool for 5 minutes the person who never asks is a fool forever.

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Man brings his dog into a bar and says he has a talking dog. Not believed, he says he'll bet $50.00 that he can. The bar tender takes him up on the bet. "Tell them, Spot, who's the best baseball player of all time." Spot responds, "Roof." "There, you heard him. He said it was Babe Ruth. Now pay me my $50.00." The bar tender calls BS, demands his $50.00 and unceremoniously tosses him and his dog out the door. On their way home the dog turns to his master and asks, "Should I have said Mickey Mantle?"

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Man brings his dog into a bar. Bartender tells him that no dogs are allowed. Man says that the dog is special - can talk. Bartender isn't buying it. Man asks if he proves that the dog can talk, can the dog stay. Bartender agrees. Man asks the dog, "What do you call the top of the house?" Dogs works his mouth around and says "Woof!" Man smiles. Bartender shakes his head and reaches to throw them out. Man implores him to wait. Asks dog, "Who was the greatest Yankee baseball player?" Do works his mouth around and goes, "Roooph". Bartender throws both man and dog into the street. Dog looks over at the man and says, "What, was it Gehrig?"

Overlapped in transit. I need to be faster.

Last edited by 5sdad; 08/18/19.

Not a real member - just an ordinary guy who appreciates being able to hang around and say something once in awhile.

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Yup those are the jokes. There is only one talking dog joke. The dog really can talk.


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Originally Posted by jpb
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua . As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman Said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought,"What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said,

"A Chihuahua? They gave me a fuc king Chihuahua ?!


/John

This is good john. Tnanks!


If you take the time it takes, it takes less time.
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American by birth; Alaskan by choice.
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Originally Posted by ironbender
Originally Posted by jpb
Two women were out for a Saturday stroll. One had a Doberman and the other, a Chihuahua . As they walked down the street, the one with the Doberman Said to her friend, "Let's go over to that bar for a drink."

The lady with the Chihuahua said, "We can't go in there. We've got dogs with us."

The one with the Doberman said, "Just watch, and do as I do."

They walked over to the bar and the one with the Doberman put on a pair of dark glasses and started to walk in.

The bouncer at the door said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed."

The woman with the Doberman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog."

The bouncer said, "A Doberman?"

The woman said, "Yes, they're using them now. They're very good."

The bouncer said, "OK, come on in."

The lady with the Chihuahua thought that convincing him that a Chihuahua was a seeing-eye dog may be a bit more difficult, but thought,"What the heck," so she put on her dark glasses and started to walk in.

Once again the bouncer said, "Sorry, lady, no pets allowed." The woman said, "You don't understand. This is my seeing-eye dog"

The bouncer said, "A Chihuahua?"

The woman with the Chihuahua said,

"A Chihuahua? They gave me a fuc king Chihuahua ?!


/John

This is good john. Tnanks!

LOL. Yep. Got a laugh from me.

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Guy sees a sign in the yard of a farm house, "Talking Dog - $10". Intrigued, he drives up to the house and asks the farmer if his dog really could talk. So the farmer turns to the dog and says, "Jake, tell the man about yourself."

So Jake, the dog, says to the man. "Well, I started out as a bomb sniffing dog in the military and did two deployments to Iraq. I discovered dozens of IED's and saved the lives of my unit countless times. After I retired from that I became a rescue dog, finding victims of earthquakes and so forth. I've been to Turkey, China and Japan and personally found over fifty people trapped beneath rubble. Now that I'm getting older my master has me at stud and I get $1000 per session. My pups have won over 25 regional and national championships."

The man looks at the farmer incredulously and says, "this dog is amazing! Why are you selling him for only $10?!"

The farmer leans in toward the man and whispers to him, "he's a compulsive liar, he ain't never done any of them things...."


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Originally Posted by wabigoon
Yup those are the jokes. There is only one talking dog joke. The dog really can talk.

A variation on a theme.


A traveling salesman goes up to a farmhouse where a dog and cat are sitting on the front porch. The salesman reaches down and scratches the dog's ears and says, "how are you, fella?" The dog looks at him and says, "I'm fine, how are you?"

The salesman is flabbergasted at seeing a talking dog and asks him to say something else. So the dog replies, "What do you want me to talk about? Weather's been good, we're getting enough rain and the crops are healthy." Then he gets up and says, " well, it's been nice chatting with you but I hear my master calling", and he trots off.

At that moment the farmer opens his front door and the salesman is still shaken up. He says to the farmer "I can't believe it! You have a talking dog! You should go into show business, you could make a million dollars!"

The farmer just shakes his head and smiles. "Did they pull that joke on you, too? Mister, that dog can't talk. The cat's a ventriloquist..."


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Originally Posted by Jim in Idaho
Guy sees a sign in the yard of a farm house, "Talking Dog - $10". Intrigued, he drives up to the house and asks the farmer if his dog really could talk. So the farmer turns to the dog and says, "Jake, tell the man about yourself."

So Jake, the dog, says to the man. "Well, I started out as a bomb sniffing dog in the military and did two deployments to Iraq. I discovered dozens of IED's and saved the lives of my unit countless times. After I retired from that I became a rescue dog, finding victims of earthquakes and so forth. I've been to Turkey, China and Japan and personally found over fifty people trapped beneath rubble. Now that I'm getting older my master has me at stud and I get $1000 per session. My pups have won over 25 regional and national championships."

The man looks at the farmer incredulously and says, "this dog is amazing! Why are you selling him for only $10?!"

The farmer leans in toward the man and whispers to him, "he's a compulsive liar, he ain't never done any of them things...."

LOL. grin

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Johnny is the first one in his family, to ever go to college, and it's a big deal. His father sold off his extra tractor for his tuition, books, room and board, and a bit of spending money.
Johnny hit college life hard, and is getting into parties, girls, drinks, and shortly realized he had spent too much money. He was going to run out before the first semester was over, so he has to call his dad for more money.
Johnny is trying to figure out how to tell his dad he's short, when he is struck by an inspiration! Ole Blue! His dad's favorite dog! Dad sent ole Blue with johnny to remind him of home, and keep him company. Dad loved that dog.
"DAD, college is great and I'm learning a lot, but I got into a discussion with one of my professors, and he was right impressed with ole blue. Said he thought ole blue might be smart enough to learn to speak! But he would need to do some testing, and that would cost some money.
Dad agreed, that if any dog could do it, it would be ole blue, as he was the smartest dog around. Dad sold off his old traps, and sent the cash, and the parties resumed.
Johnny blew through the cash and called his dad again. "Dad, believe it or not, but ole blue is speaking a bit, but might even be bilingual. They need more money for testing. Dad was impressed, and swollen with pride, and sold off several guns, his extra tree stands, and all of his game cameras, and sent the money. The parties resumed, again.
Problem was, the semester was now over, and everyone had to leave for the break. Johnny had to go home. As he drove the long hours away, he was nearly home, when he pulled off the side of the road and with his shotgun, blew ole blue into the afterlife. Johnny mounted up and drove home.
Johnny was greeted by his dad, and he eagerly asked to see ole blue, his miracle dog!
Johnny said......
Dad, it was the damndest thing, but ole blue was sitting up at the morning table, reading the paper, and chatting in Russian of all things, when he got this gleam in his eyes, and he asked "Do you think your maw ever found out about your dad and that school teacher?"
Dad said "YOU SHOT THAT SONOFABITCH DIDN'T YA?!!"


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the only real difference between a good tracker and a bad tracker, is observation. all the same data is present for both. The rest, is understanding what you're seeing.

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I actually got to pull this one on someone.

Two guys are standing around talking and they see a dog laying on the ground licking his nuts.
One guy says, "Man, I wish I could do that!"
Other guy says, "You better pet him first, he might bite you."

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Not a talking dog, but close:

Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. As he tiptoed through the living room, he suddenly froze in his tracks when he heard a voice say "Jesus is watching you!"

He glanced around nervously but didn’t see anyone. After a few minutes, he began to creep forward. The voice again said, "Jesus is watching you!" Nearly frightened out of his wits, the burglar stopped and frantically looked around for the owner of the voice.

Finally, off in a dark corner, he spotted a birdcage, and in the cage was a parrot. The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot, Was that you who said "Jesus is watching me?"

"Yes" said the parrot.

No longer afraid, the burglar chuckled and proceeded to rifle through the silverware drawer.

Suddenly, almost from out of nowhere, a huge Rottweiler attacks the burglar. While the burglar is on the ground, wailing and writhing in pain, desperately attempting to stave off the dog, the parrot says "Jesus is biting you".



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