Home Forums Hunting & Shooting Hunter's Campfire Stories, Jokes about Furnals, and Wakes.

So, in Bute Montana back in the days of the copper mining boom. There is this wake in the house, the men are drinking whisky, and smoking cigars in the kitchen, and run out of chairs. So they close the casket, lean it on the wall and use the chairs to sit on.

The priest walks in, and says, This is a sacrilege, I need three chairs for the corpse. "Hip, Hip, Hooray, Hip, Hip Hooray, Hip, Hip Hooray."

You know the difference between an Irish funeral and an Irish wake?

One less drunk.

Fellow on his death bed wakes to a beautiful morning and the smell of baking chocolate chip cookies. With great difficulty he manages to sit up. A gentle breeze wafts in through the open window and he can hear birds singing and smell the roses outside the window. He struggles to stand and shuffle ever so slowly down the hall. In the kitchen his wife is just putting the next batch of cookies in the oven. He stumbles a little before he can stabilize himself against the kitchen counter as he reaches for a warm cookie.

Just as his hand reaches the cookie platter his wife slaps his hand "Those are for the Funeral!"

When the Rush drummer was gettin to the end, the doctor told the family he was pert near dead.

Sorry, I don't know any Furnal jokes...

True Story. I wont use their real names, so I'll call them Joe and Jim. Joe told me this story, while Jim was standing there, and Jim said it was true.

In our part of the south, the black folks have their own funeral homes. Jim and Joe were black brothers. Years ago the local black funeral home was a house with some of the walls removed and curtains hung to provide some privacy. Jim and Joe's auntie had passed away and they were holding the wake at the funeral home. Now down here, the blacks don't get in any hurry to bury the dead, wakes usually last a week, sometimes more.

At this time, I need to do a little explaining. Years ago, the bottom of caskets had 2 bottoms. The front, where the top of the body was placed, had a spring between the bottoms and the inner bottom was hinged.. There was a lever on the side of the casket, that you pulled, that would release the bottom and the spring would raise the body up at the waist for viewing during the funeral. The funeral directors would pull the lever while pushing down on the false bottom to keep the body from raising too quickly. Funeral goers viewed the body from their seats instead of filing by the casket, as is now the custom. Once the viewing was over, they would push the false bottom down, engage the latch, and close the lid.

Anyway, Jim was in a curtained off area with just a couple of chairs and the open casket, with his auntie in it. He was carrying on, "Oh, Auntie, why did you have to leave us. We loved you so. Don't know how we's gonna make it without you. Oh Auntie! Oh Auntie." Sobbing and crying something terrible, according to brother Joe.

All of a sudden there was a startled cry, a crashing of chairs, and Jim hollered out, "Lay back down you b!tch or I'll cut yo throat! Lay down I says!" Joe and others ran into the curtained off area and there was Jim, backed up against a wall, with his knife in his hand, ready to go to war. The casket was open and the body was about half in and half out.

All anyone could figure was the someone had accidentally brushed up against the lever thru the curtain and the spring was strong enough to throw the body up, thus startling the [bleep] out of Jim.


I's got another one Joe told me about a church if anyone is interested.

Sure, why not?

They're just like urnal jokes but shorter.

Without me to make fun of, what would some of you do for internment?

Skip to the last paragraph of this obit.

https://www.dignitymemorial.com/obituaries/rome-ga/donald-unsworth-4371599

I didn't know the guy personally, but know a couple of his grandsons.

I thought it might be short for “female urinal” 😮

Ok, Joe told me this story about a church that's a couple miles, through the woods, from where I live. I remember them doing the work, but I didn't know why.

This church was a small frame building that was set on blocks. Just a one room church with a door on the opposite end of the building from the pulpit, like most churches are. No air conditioning, just ceiling fans and those great big windows for air circulation.

Anyway, it was summertime, they were having a funeral and the preacher had the congregation really stirred up. They was a shouting, praying, clapping hands, and stomping the feet, had the small church building a shaking. All of a sudden the latch gave on the casket, the body shot up and almost out on the floor. Joe said you could have heard the screams a mile away, pandemonium set in and people started pushing and shoving, jumping over the pews, what ever it took to get out the one door.

The preacher shot out from behind the pulpit and headed for the door, but got knocked down. Picked himself up and took off for the door just to get knocked down, again. Got up, looked around, and as he jumped out one of the windows shouted, "Damn a church with just one door".

A few days later they cut a hole in the wall, installed a door and steps, directly behind the pulpit.

Dad and I wired an outside light and switch for the new door.

Used to live 15 miles North of there. Beautiful country

You are the gift that keeps on giving.

Was a pallbearer, one of36, at a fairly well liked friend, the priest, another mutual friend, was talking about how many lives the deceased had touched.

"When I look at the pallbearers and all the honorary pallbearers I don't see an honest face in the bunch!"

Sure miss Father Caviglia

36 pallbearers?

How big a feller was he?

You all are bringing some bad juju and karma down on yourselves and those around you in your life also.



Just saying...
IMO.

He wan't so big - Just tall, tha'ss all.

What do you call the pallbearers at a Tulsa funeral?

Karaoke