FIRE:
A hillbilly farmer from back in the hills walked twelve miles, one way, to the general store.
"Heya, Wilbur," said Sam, the store owner. "tell me, are you and Myrtle still making fires up there by rubbing stones and flint together?"
"You betcha, Sam. Ain't no 'tother way. Why?"
"Got something to show you. Something to make fire. It's called a 'match'."
"'Match'? Never heard of it."
"Watch this. If you want a fire you just do this," Sam says, taking a match and striking it on his pants."
"Huh. Well, that's something, but that ain't for me, Sam."
"Well, why not?"
"I can't be walking twelve miles every time I want a fire and borrow your pants."
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LATE FOR WORK
Sven is late for work.
The boss finds him in the bunkhouse, and Sven explains that he has an erection and can't get his overalls on.
"OK, Sven, you need to go in the barn and get a shovel full of nice hot horse manure and pack it around there. That'll take down the swelling and you can come on and get to work."
Sven goes to the barn and open his fly and gets the shovel full of manure ready.
At that moment, the boss's wife walks in. "What the hell are you doing, Sven?"
Sven explains what he is doing.
"Yumping Yeesus, Sven, don't do that, stick it in here!" She pulls up her dress.
"What?" says Sven. "The whole shovelful?"
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TALKING CLOCK
A man met a woman at a bar and invited her back to his apartment.
When they got there she noticed a large gong.
"What's the gong for" she asked.
"It's not a gong, it's a talking clock."
"Really?" she said.
"Yeah" said the man "go ahead and hit it."
She hit it, and a second later a voice came from the wall saying, "Hey [bleep], it's 3 a.m."
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NUTTIN' TA VEAR
Ole plans to take his wife Lena out for dinner. He gets home, goes upstairs where Lena is standing in the middle of the bedroom naked.
"Lena, why are you standing in the middle of the room naked?" asks Ole.
"Oh Ole, I have absolutely nuttin' ta vear!" said Lena.
Ole walks over to Lena's closet and opens it.
"Lena! Vut do ya mean you have nuttin' ta vear? Here's your white dress, here's your black dress, Hi Sven, here's your orange dress."
