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Mom in nursing home ..just had stroke..help #15668614 01/17/21
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atvalaska Offline OP
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Little background , 84yo mom is in a nursing home she's got a little bit of dementia she's on hospice as of about about 6 months ago... just talked to her on Friday with my brother
and she was all happy good to go imo . Saturday morning between breakfast and a shower she has a stroke ...right side ain't working can't talk any more can't hold utensils to feed herself and because she's on hospice the doctors won't give her a tube.
My Brother Talks to her by having her blink her eye ASKED her if she wanted to go to the hospital...yes/ blink... when she goes there (like I stated above ) the doctor said while she's on hospice why bother. Thing is they put her on hospice because she had a urinary tract infection back in September and once he got rid of that she was back to her happy normal self now she has this hospice thing hanging over head . So us last three brothers are deciding what to do ...she can't feed herself if we get her hooked up on a tube the quality of life is gone , if we don't hook her up on a tube are we starveingd Mom to death you guys had to have been in similar situation ...what did you guys do... what are we to do ...dam..


This beer taste like I'm not going to work tomorrow......🥁
BP-B2

Re: Mom in nursing home ..just had stroke..help [Re: atvalaska] #15668634 01/17/21
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I can and will offer prayers for all of you....can’t offer anything beyond that! memtb


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Re: Mom in nursing home ..just had stroke..help [Re: atvalaska] #15668637 01/17/21
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Jim_Conrad Offline
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I watched my mother care for my grandmother for 30 years.

Eventually ending in a nursing home.....where she was for 4! years.


UTI after UTI.


Eventually it was time to stop treating the UTI. Quality of life was long gone....and wasn't coming back.


My mother had to let her go.....for grandmother's sake.

Re: Mom in nursing home ..just had stroke..help [Re: atvalaska] #15668642 01/17/21
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Jim_Conrad Offline
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Well....Grandma was done fighting too.

Re: Mom in nursing home ..just had stroke..help [Re: atvalaska] #15668645 01/17/21
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Originally Posted by atvalaska
Little background , 84yo mom is in a nursing home she's got a little bit of dementia she's on hospice as of about about 6 months ago... just talked to her on Friday with my brother
and she was all happy good to go imo . Saturday morning between breakfast and a shower she has a stroke ...right side ain't working can't talk any more can't hold utensils to feed herself and because she's on hospice the doctors won't give her a tube.
My Brother Talks to her by having her blink her eye ASKED her if she wanted to go to the hospital...yes/ blink... when she goes there (like I stated above ) the doctor said while she's on hospice why bother. Thing is they put her on hospice because she had a urinary tract infection back in September and once he got rid of that she was back to her happy normal self now she has this hospice thing hanging over head . So us last three brothers are deciding what to do ...she can't feed herself if we get her hooked up on a tube the quality of life is gone , if we don't hook her up on a tube are we starveingd Mom to death you guys had to have been in similar situation ...what did you guys do... what are we to do ...dam..

Prayer sent. Not sure what to recommend.


"Our prayers are with the family of George Floyd, and our prayers are also with the family of Ahmaud Arbery in Georgia. We have no tolerance for racism in America. We have no tolerance for violence inspired by racism."

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IC-A

Re: Mom in nursing home ..just had stroke..help [Re: atvalaska] #15668655 01/17/21
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You're asking an internet forum?

I feel for you, but this is a decision of your conscience, and how you will honor your mother.

We all die. Maybe it is her time. I've dealt enough with death to know that we honor people when we let them choose their time to go. Sometimes, people need a bit of help to get past their own fears, Whether for their own death, or for the death of a loved one.

My father degraded with Alzheimer's for several years, eventually getting quite difficult to manage, as he was unable to feed himself, would schit everywhere, and then got violent. My step mother, who had taken care of him, finally was at the end of her rope. My two brothers and I convinced her to take a break, and put him in a home for a couple months. We all knew what the outcome would be. We all knew it was his time to go, but he couldn't leave his wife for some reason. We each did some serious soul-searching before recommending that course. He was in the home for four weeks when he passed. We did the thing that felt right to us. Much of the time, life (and death) don't look pretty. That doesn't mean we haven't done the right thing. Life is just messy.


I belong on eroding granite, among the pines.
Re: Mom in nursing home ..just had stroke..help [Re: atvalaska] #15668657 01/17/21
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blindshooter Online Content
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Sorry. BTDT.
Probably every situation is different, I tried to do what my mom would have wanted. She was helpful in that she wrote down a lot of her wishes as far as when to stop trying.
Still a painful decision.
Prayers for you all.

Re: Mom in nursing home ..just had stroke..help [Re: atvalaska] #15668695 01/17/21
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19352012 Offline
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We made this exact decision with my Dad in 2019. Ask your Dr if the affects of this stroke will grow. That's what happened with Dad. We chose to stop the feeding. It is not pleasant in our hearts but it was the right choice for us. Dad was sick and tired of being sick. God bless you in this difficult time. Posted is a picture of Mom and Dad saying goodbye in the last of the time when Dad could speak somewhat clearly. Sweet moment in the bitterest of times.
[Linked Image from i.imgur.com]


Re: Mom in nursing home ..just had stroke..help [Re: atvalaska] #15668726 01/17/21
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atvalaska Offline OP
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She says she wants to go be with her mother when she's feeling down .... she did sign some paperwork long time ago saying she did not want to be resuscitated but this isn't a heart attack etc ....it seems that me we're going to starve to death ....is this what's happening, I don't know.


This beer taste like I'm not going to work tomorrow......🥁
Re: Mom in nursing home ..just had stroke..help [Re: 19352012] #15668738 01/17/21
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atvalaska Offline OP
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Originally Posted by 19352012
We made this exact decision with my Dad in 2019. Ask your Dr if the affects of this stroke will grow. That's what happened with Dad. We chose to stop the feeding. It is not pleasant in our hearts but it was the right choice for us. Dad was sick and tired of being sick. God bless you in this difficult time. Posted is a picture of Mom and Dad saying goodbye in the last of the time when Dad could speak somewhat clearly. Sweet moment in the bitterest of times.
[Linked Image from i.imgur.com]

darn......


This beer taste like I'm not going to work tomorrow......🥁
IC-B

Re: Mom in nursing home ..just had stroke..help [Re: atvalaska] #15668748 01/17/21
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Have YOU seen the wording of the advance directive she filled out?


Maybe we're all happy.
Re: Mom in nursing home ..just had stroke..help [Re: atvalaska] #15668754 01/17/21
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I took care of mom for a lot of years. The time came where it wasnt safe. Nursing home for just over a year when I got a call on a Monday morning. Mother passed in her sleep. I posted this so you will know I understand. All anyone can do is face the trials of the day and tough it out as best they can. You will wish you had been more able, you will think maybe you didnt try hard enough, maybe wish you had been smarter. Doubt will not help just do the best you can.


Ideas are far more powerful than guns, We dont let our people have guns. Why should we let them have ideas. "Joseph Stalin"

He who has braved youths dizzy heat dreads not the frost of age.
Re: Mom in nursing home ..just had stroke..help [Re: atvalaska] #15668790 01/17/21
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Esox357 Offline
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Hospics believes when one is dying, there is no hunger so they stop feeding.

Re: Mom in nursing home ..just had stroke..help [Re: atvalaska] #15668818 01/17/21
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Prayers sent! I had two parents in nursing home, Dad died of MDS cancer in February, he went quick and knew it. Mom has dementia and stopped eating and is down to 100 lbs., hospice has been called. Tough choice either way. God bless your Mom.

Re: Mom in nursing home ..just had stroke..help [Re: atvalaska] #15668825 01/17/21
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TrueGrit Online Content
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I grieve for you and your family.


Life is good live it while you can.
Re: Mom in nursing home ..just had stroke..help [Re: atvalaska] #15668830 01/17/21
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My Mother asked me to signup to be her Advocate when she realized she had Alzheimers. Knew Pop was incapable of letting her go when it was time. She also knew the Dr. son was a dick and the Lawyer son a prick, the oldest daughter a bleeding heart liberal who would not let her go for different reasons than Pop.

I made the decision to move her to a "Memory Care" facility when Pop could not longer really care for her, and, he was tied too much to the house to live any kind of a life himself. (that was a really big ruckus when I "took" her to the facility, but I had the legal papers to do so) Price of agreeing to be an adult...

She did ok for a year, she as in a place I could visit every day from my work whilst I was in town and the wife could pop in and check when I had to travel. (showing up at all hours with no discernible schedule tends to keep a facility honest about how they treat someone who can't really communicate how they are being treated)

About 18 months in she broke a hip, Mr. No Bedside Manner was all for drugging her up and just letting her die, never heard from the Lawyer bud, too busy I guess. I talked to the surgeon and asked him what would he do if it was his mother, and he said he would fix the hip so they could keep her clean without major pain, so that is what I did. She developed
c-dif about a month in to the rehab. Hardest thing I ever did was say no to antibiotics, but had she known what she had become she would have pulled the plug on that herself. A few days later I closed her eyes when she took that last ragged breath, free from pain.

I never told the siblings about my decision, only the wife knows how hard that was. Interestingly a year later to the week she had to take a call from a ward across the State whey the carried her WWII Veteran Father who had developed Dementia, and they could no longer keep him at the Vet's home in Humboldt. They perforated his colon doing a rectal pick and the foreign Dr. wanted to send him for surgery to repair the massive bleeding they caused and she said no, let him go. That was a very hard thing, but he had no idea who or where he was anymore, and I still want to beat the ass of the guy on the phone who told her she killed her Father...

Only you know when her quality of life means fighting to keep her here...and I woke up in a cold sweat for a while over my decision, but the point of her having me sign up was she knew I would do what was best for her.


"To preserve liberty it is essential that the whole body of people always possess arms and be taught alike, especially when young, how to use them."--Richard Henry Lee

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Re: Mom in nursing home ..just had stroke..help [Re: atvalaska] #15668840 01/17/21
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EthanEdwards Offline
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Originally Posted by atvalaska
Little background , 84yo mom is in a nursing home she's got a little bit of dementia she's on hospice as of about about 6 months ago... just talked to her on Friday with my brother
and she was all happy good to go imo . Saturday morning between breakfast and a shower she has a stroke ...right side ain't working can't talk any more can't hold utensils to feed herself and because she's on hospice the doctors won't give her a tube.
My Brother Talks to her by having her blink her eye ASKED her if she wanted to go to the hospital...yes/ blink... when she goes there (like I stated above ) the doctor said while she's on hospice why bother. Thing is they put her on hospice because she had a urinary tract infection back in September and once he got rid of that she was back to her happy normal self now she has this hospice thing hanging over head . So us last three brothers are deciding what to do ...she can't feed herself if we get her hooked up on a tube the quality of life is gone , if we don't hook her up on a tube are we starveingd Mom to death you guys had to have been in similar situation ...what did you guys do... what are we to do ...dam..
This isn't an answer but...hospice...for six months? Hospice is usually end-of-life. Sometimes people get out of it. Seems to me that she should survive this. If you think she'll have quality of life, number one I wouldn't have her in Hospice.


MAGAA!
Re: Mom in nursing home ..just had stroke..help [Re: atvalaska] #15668846 01/17/21
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My dad passed about 3 months ago after long fights with broken hips, dementia, heart problems, etc. We were lucky, as he went from being pretty good to being dead in about 2 weeks, and we didn't have to face the types of issues you're going through. The toughest thing was getting the call from the nursing home that we had suddenly gone from being fine to being at end of life. They had taken him off antibiotics and instead gave him morphine, and I flipped out on them for doing that. I wanted to give him every chance in the world to fight back, but in the end he died two days later even with the resumption of antibiotics.

When it's time, the person knows and you shouldn't try to change the course of nature.


I hate lawyers and Jews.
Re: Mom in nursing home ..just had stroke..help [Re: atvalaska] #15668851 01/17/21
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Prayers sent Northward. God bless Mom.




- Rogue
Re: Mom in nursing home ..just had stroke..help [Re: atvalaska] #15668859 01/17/21
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Jim_Conrad Offline
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I have watched doctors administer a big ole shot of opiates for the "pain".

It ended the pain alright.


Look back now....it was a quick merciful end. Not like the alternative.

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