24hourcampfire.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Hop To
Page 1 of 2 1 2
A fart story. #15991469 04/13/21
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,383
A
auk1124 Online Content OP
Campfire Ranger
OP Online Content
Campfire Ranger
A
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,383
I was not the perpetrator in this one, I was the victim. The time period was sometime in the mid to late 90s. I was visiting a buddy who was enrolled in college at Northern Kentucky University.

For those unfamiliar with Northern Kentucky University (which basically means everyone), it is a relatively small state college in a wide spot in the road, near the Kentucky suburbs of Cincinnati. The college is really only memorable for one unfortunate feature - the campus buildings must have been designed by the same Soviet architects who built all of those Moscow apartment buildings you used to see in cold war spy movies. Back then at least, every campus building was a gray slab of concrete with a few occasional windows randomly sprinkled in. It is the most depressing college campus I've ever seen. I have no idea how the student population manages to keep from offing themselves in that horrible environment.

But I digress. This story is not about schitty architecture. It is about the worst fart in the world.

My buddy and I were going to go eat dinner and grab a couple of beers, but he wanted to run by Blockbuster on the way (this was the 90s, remember). Why? I have no memory of why. We weren't going to watch a movie so I really don't know why we ran into a Blockbuster. I think he may have been perving on one of the chicks working the counter but really can't remember. So anyway, my friend wants to go in this Blockbuster and I wander in as well, and am aimlessly browsing through the shelves. My buddy and I were the only two people in the store, except for Nascar Guy.

Nascar Guy stood out as odd to me from the moment I saw him. Like me, he was rambling around the shelves of movies. What struck me as odd was he was all alone, looked kind of disheveled (his hair was greasy and messed up), and he was wearing the oddest jacket. This is the 90s, remember, and Nascar was at the height of its popularity.

Nascar Guy was wearing some kind of promotional racing jacket; something like would be given away by Nascar for winning a contest, or something a fan would pay a fortune for at a trackside souvenir shop. It had a driver's name and car number on it. I can't remember who the driver was, but his sponsor was, of all things, a furniture store.

At the time it struck me as a ridiculous thing to wear and think you were cool in - a Nascar jacket that advertised a fugging furniture store? So, Nascar Guy stuck out in this Blockbuster like the proverbial turd in the punchbowl. But what came next was sure to burn Nascar Guy into my memory until the day I die.

While wandering around the shelves, without really meaning to, I ended up in the same aisle as Nascar Guy. I paused to look at a movie, about ten feet away from Nascar Guy. While looking at a movie, I noticed in my peripheral vision that Nascar Guy very suddenly made for the exit and left the store. I didn't think much about it, and continued browsing down the aisle.

And that's when it hit me. Let's say you have Irritable Bowel Syndrome. Now, let's say you spend an entire week drinking Pabst Blue Ribbon and eating pickled eggs and baked beans. And then as a final touch, you eat an entire sausage and onion Pan Pizza from Pizza Hut. If you did all of this and then farted, it would still only be about a tenth as bad as what Nascar Guy left behind for me in the aisle of that Blockbuster. It was the worst smell from a still-living creature I have ever encountered.

I grew up on a hardscrabble hog and cattle farm, and have been literally knee-deep in warm pigshit on several occasions. I have had the rotted, liquified guts of a dead cow spill out of its mouth and fill my Wellington boots to the tops before I was a teenager. Nasty smells don't bother me. Except this one did.

My eyes watered and I started to gag. I ran for the exit, about to vomit. My buddy who was up front near the checkout counter (I really do think he was hitting on the counter girl, more I think about it) followed me out and asked what the hell was wrong. I told him, in between gagging fits, that Nascar Guy shat out the worst fart in the world on me back there in the aisle of the store.

Nascar Guy was nowhere to be seen. Maybe he was behind the store, squatting down and schitting nuclear waste beside the dumpster. Maybe he made it to a car and raced for the nearest emergency room. I don't know, but I have never forgot the present that he left for me in that fugging Blockbuster.

And that, gentlemen, was the day that I stopped being a Nascar fan.

BP-B2

Re: A fart story. [Re: auk1124] #15991471 04/13/21
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 9,688
geedubya Online Content
Campfire Outfitter
Online Content
Campfire Outfitter
Joined: Jan 2008
Posts: 9,688
Signs of Terminal Flatulence..........

peeling wall paper and plaster in the bathroom,

localized cloud formations,

lack of friends and acquaintances,

unaccountable pet deaths..........

TF, it's not to be sniffed at.

(Courtesy of National Lampoon, circa 1970)

ya!

GWB


A Kill Artist. When I draw, I draw blood.
Re: A fart story. [Re: auk1124] #15991474 04/13/21
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,202
C
chesterwy Offline
Campfire Regular
Offline
Campfire Regular
C
Joined: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,202
πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚ thanks for the funny story.

Re: A fart story. [Re: auk1124] #15991484 04/14/21
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 17,006
KFWA Online Content
Campfire Kahuna
Online Content
Campfire Kahuna
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 17,006
I looked it up - in 1999, Michael Waltrip was sponsored by Klaussner Furniture

during that time period other drivers drove the Cheerios car, the Cartoon Network car and some equally interesting sponsors.

The little company I was working for was one of the sponsors for Jeff Gordon and Terry Labonte. I didn't even realize it back then.

Re: A fart story. [Re: KFWA] #15991532 04/14/21
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 11,048
D
Dillonbuck Offline
Campfire 'Bwana
Offline
Campfire 'Bwana
D
Joined: Sep 2014
Posts: 11,048
Originally Posted by KFWA
I looked it up - in 1999, Michael Waltrip was sponsored by Klaussner Furniture

during that time period other drivers drove the Cheerios car, the Cartoon Network car and some equally interesting sponsors.

The little company I was working for was one of the sponsors for Jeff Gordon and Terry Labonte. I didn't even realize it back then.



Little company?


I'm an American, we kneel to no man.
Only to God!

The Alabama section of Pennsylvania.
Where we cling to our God and Guns.
IC-A

Re: A fart story. [Re: auk1124] #15991683 04/14/21
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 8,653
srwshooter Offline
Campfire Outfitter
Offline
Campfire Outfitter
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 8,653
a good fart never hurt anyone. i'd bet you puke when gutting a deer.

Re: A fart story. [Re: auk1124] #15991718 04/14/21
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,383
A
auk1124 Online Content OP
Campfire Ranger
OP Online Content
Campfire Ranger
A
Joined: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,383
Nah dressing a deer doesn't bother me. This was a special kind of hellish scent. Imagine a really, really bad sulfur rotten-egg smell, ramped up with the smell of fresh diarrhea and bad BO, and you will get close to it. And imagine being ambushed out of the blue by it, which was probably the worst part.

There was something seriously wrong with that guy.

Re: A fart story. [Re: auk1124] #15991790 04/14/21
Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 578
Jiveturkey Offline
Campfire Regular
Offline
Campfire Regular
Joined: Aug 2020
Posts: 578
I've stumbled into isles at the store that were uninhabitable, but nothing such as you've described.πŸ˜‚


Romans 5:1
Re: A fart story. [Re: auk1124] #15991824 04/14/21
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 7,712
RiverRider Offline
Campfire Outfitter
Offline
Campfire Outfitter
Joined: Dec 2004
Posts: 7,712
I dunno about the worst, deadliest farts in the world, but my squadron had its own little gedunk (something like a broom closet transformed into a snack bar) where some brilliant soul decided it would be good to make pickled boiled eggs available for a quarter. I don't know how many of these things some of my squadron mates would eat, but I know they could run some salty old farts out the door and down the ladder of a P-3C.


Originally Posted by gonehuntin
Give a communist a helicopter ride, he flies for an afternoon. Throw a communist out of a helicopter and he flies for the rest of his life.....



Re: A fart story. [Re: auk1124] #15991836 04/14/21
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 47,520
DigitalDan Offline
Campfire Oracle
Offline
Campfire Oracle
Joined: May 2004
Posts: 47,520
Not all farts are bad. Heavily loaded chopper attempting to make a takeoff after picking up wounded in a hover hole in the trees. Probably 10-15% over gross on a hot day, hot meaning temperature and hostile fire. Everything was redlined and we were just light on the skids, so I farted, big time. We went upward like a winged chariot. Rocket propulsion has its place.


I am..........disturbed.

Concerning the difference between man and the jackass: some observers hold that there isn't any. But this wrongs the jackass. -Twain


IC-B

Re: A fart story. [Re: auk1124] #15991844 04/14/21
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 3,342
1
160user Online Content
Campfire Guide
Online Content
Campfire Guide
1
Joined: May 2010
Posts: 3,342
It sounds like that fart was capable of driving a lame badger out of it's hole from 50 yards.

Re: A fart story. [Re: auk1124] #15991850 04/14/21
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 15,302
JamesJr Offline
Campfire Kahuna
Offline
Campfire Kahuna
Joined: Nov 2015
Posts: 15,302
The wife and I were grocery shopping at Walmart when the pain hit me, so I went down the frozen food aisle, where I was the only shopper, and let her rip. It would have gagged a maggot. As I was walking away, a Black women with a flock of kids came down the aisle and I heard her say..........."whew chilluns, somethings spiled (spoiled) in here".

Something indeed was "spiled" in there, but it was nothing from the freezers.

Re: A fart story. [Re: auk1124] #15991937 04/14/21
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 3,454
D
Dess Offline
Campfire Guide
Offline
Campfire Guide
D
Joined: Apr 2011
Posts: 3,454
I remember as a young teen when us three kids were still at home. My older brother exited the bathroom and nudged my elbow with a "watch this" look. He calmly asked my sister if she had spilled perfume in the bathroom. Curious, she walked in. Took a deep breath and turned green. As a thirteen year old, I thought it was about the funniest thing I had seen in my lifetime.


For even when we were with you, we gave you this rule: "If a man will not work, he shall not eat."

2 Thessalonians 3:10
Re: A fart story. [Re: auk1124] #15992082 04/14/21
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 5,409
G
Godogs57 Online Content
Campfire Tracker
Online Content
Campfire Tracker
G
Joined: Feb 2007
Posts: 5,409
Ha...he β€œcrop dusted” you. I do it to my wife all the time in the house. Then she starts throwing things at me,

Last edited by Godogs57; 04/14/21.

You only live once, but...if you do it right, once is enough.
Re: A fart story. [Re: Dess] #15992228 04/14/21
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 12,064
R
Rooster7 Offline
Campfire 'Bwana
Offline
Campfire 'Bwana
R
Joined: Sep 2007
Posts: 12,064
Originally Posted by Dess
I remember as a young teen when us three kids were still at home. My older brother exited the bathroom and nudged my elbow with a "watch this" look. He calmly asked my sister if she had spilled perfume in the bathroom. Curious, she walked in. Took a deep breath and turned green. As a thirteen year old, I thought it was about the funniest thing I had seen in my lifetime.


Haha that reminds me of my cousin who is 2 years older than me and 3 years older than his younger brother. Older brother farted a raunchy one into a pringles can and quickly put the lid back on. Then he walked into the TV room and asks his brother to smell the pringles as they didn't smell right.

The look of pure horror on that kids face and the subsequent gag / shriek noise that came out of him will make me laugh out loud every time I think about it!


The deer hunter does not notice the mountains

"I fear all we have done is to awaken a sleeping giant and fill him with a terrible resolve" - Isoroku Yamamoto

There sure are a lot of America haters that want to live here...



Re: A fart story. [Re: Dillonbuck] #15992232 04/14/21
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 17,006
KFWA Online Content
Campfire Kahuna
Online Content
Campfire Kahuna
Joined: Jan 2010
Posts: 17,006
Originally Posted by Dillonbuck
Originally Posted by KFWA
I looked it up - in 1999, Michael Waltrip was sponsored by Klaussner Furniture

during that time period other drivers drove the Cheerios car, the Cartoon Network car and some equally interesting sponsors.

The little company I was working for was one of the sponsors for Jeff Gordon and Terry Labonte. I didn't even realize it back then.



Little company?



as in they let us put our logo on his A Pillar of their cars, not on the hood. I think they cut a break because we designed their cars

Last edited by KFWA; 04/14/21.
Re: A fart story. [Re: auk1124] #15992266 04/14/21
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 33,008
5sdad Online Content
Campfire Oracle
Online Content
Campfire Oracle
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 33,008
Had a friend who had a penchant for farting in bed and then pulling the covers up over his wife's head.

Also, one time they were working on their income taxes at the kitchen table. Wife was deep in thought. Friend let fly a blast that reverberated for a couple of seconds off the seat of the wooden kitchen chair. Wife, broken from her reverie, got up and went to answer the door.


Not a real member - just an ordinary guy who appreciates being able to hang around and say something once in awhile.

Happily Trapped In the Past (Thanks, Joe)

Not only a less than minimally educated person, but stupid and out of touch as well.
Re: A fart story. [Re: auk1124] #15992299 04/14/21
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 342
B
bpas105 Offline
Campfire Regular
Offline
Campfire Regular
B
Joined: May 2009
Posts: 342
As a college student many years ago, I got a summer intern job covering the supervision of a small plating department while the regulars took their vacations over the summer. I was the youngest there, responsible for "supervising" some pretty "real" guys. I learned quickly that to get good work from them I needed to tolerate certain things. One of those things, unfortunately, was from a long-termer whose daily lunch was pepper sandwiches. His lunch box was full of them - bread, mayonaise, and home-grown peppers. He thought he could get to me by eating them in my small office/lab and stay until he cut a good one, after which he promptly left the office. I knew I had to find a way to deal with it, since they were all in on it, expecting me to act like a young gun and throw a fit. Once I'd paid my dues and he learned I could handle it, things went pretty well. I even got the job the next summer as well.

Re: A fart story. [Re: auk1124] #15992300 04/14/21
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 33,008
5sdad Online Content
Campfire Oracle
Online Content
Campfire Oracle
Joined: Jan 2005
Posts: 33,008
I've told this before, so I apologize, but I love to tell it.

We had a cat who lived in the house when anyone was home, outside when no one was. He loved to sleep lying on his back, behind the sofa, propped up between it and the wall. He also loved liver. Local grocer used to have a "dig through it for scraps for your pet" box (stuff that sells for $5.00 a pound now). Dad was in on a Saturday night and noticed a chunk of liver that had outlived its meat case life in the box. Took it home for the cat. Cat was in ecstasy. Moving ahead a day to Sunday night. Folks had people over after vespers for cake and coffee. Living room filled with people balancing dessert plates on their knees drinking coffee. Cat (unbeknownst to assembled multitude) snoozing away behind the couch. Air suddenly filled with what I swear was some sort of yellow/green mist permeated with smells guaranteed to knock a flock of buzzards off a tchsidt wagon. Straight-laced people all sitting around attempting to breathe through their mouths (if at all), wondering which of their fellow congregation members was capable of such stupendous effort. Dad, entering from the kitchen with the coffee pot, instantly assesses the situation, marches over and reaches behind the couch, grabs cat by scruff of neck, spins, opens front door, tosses cat into the night, and goes about dispensing coffee. No one laughed nor mentioned anything out of the ordinary about the whole situation.


Not a real member - just an ordinary guy who appreciates being able to hang around and say something once in awhile.

Happily Trapped In the Past (Thanks, Joe)

Not only a less than minimally educated person, but stupid and out of touch as well.
Re: A fart story. [Re: auk1124] #15992336 04/14/21
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 5,340
Sheister Offline
Campfire Tracker
Offline
Campfire Tracker
Joined: Jan 2001
Posts: 5,340
Oh geez, the fart stories- I could tell them all day long.....

One time I was shopping in the local BiMart and I had to use their public restroom. So, as I'm going in the door, a kid about 10 years old comes in right behind me. As I sit down on the throne I can hear the kid tinkling in the urinal and I start one of the longest, squeakiest farts the world has ever known... must have gone on for at least 10-15 seconds. I was so impressed I didn't even realize the kid at the urinal was laughing so hard he almost fell on the floor. That darned kid was laughing so hard I was afraid he was going to hurt himself and I was going to get the blame . Can you imagine the conversation?
So, "the kid" walks out of the restroom still laughing his ass off and I finish my call of nature about 10 minutes later. After washing up and buckling my pants at a leisurely pace I walk out of the bathroom and I can still hear that kid laughing all the way across the store somewhere. Haunts me to this day....

Bob


Never underestimate your ability to overestimate your ability.
Page 1 of 2 1 2

Moderated by  RickBin, SYSOP 

RR1b
Who's Online Now
900 registered members (01Foreman400, 007FJ, 12savage, 10ring1, 160user, 10gaugeman, 87 invisible), 2,646 guests, and 1,066 spiders.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
RR2/3










Fish & Game Departments | Solunar Tables | Mission Statement | Privacy Policy | Contact Us | DMCA
Hunting | Fishing | Camping | Backpacking | Reloading | Campfire Forums | Gear Shop
Copyright © 2000-2020 24hourcampfire.com, Inc. All Rights Reserved.
 
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.3
(Release build 20190728)
PHP: 7.3.28 Page Time: 0.069s Queries: 15 (0.005s) Memory: 0.8828 MB (Peak: 1.0545 MB) Data Comp: Zlib Server Time: 2021-05-11 01:46:07 UTC
Valid HTML 5 and Valid CSS