Home Forums Hunting & Shooting Hunter's Campfire The Old Man - Advice Needed

I could use a little advice regarding the old man. I know many of you have dealt with similar situations so I thought I would illicit the collective opinions of my fellow ‘fire members and friends here.

For years and years now – a decade or more - my father has been extremely difficult to deal with. He is verbally abusive to my mother and though he has never struck her, it’s a wonder she never left him. His verbal abuse and yelling are almost constant and he is chock full of vitriol. I’m currently visiting the folks and the other night there was yet another yelling battle where he repeated yelling each of three inane statements approximately 23 times. Over and over and over. It was sad to see and hear. My mother has been an absolute saint dealing with it all and she’s very sharp, but she resents the fact that she hasn’t had much of a life in many years due to Dad’s difficulties.

Dad still has most of his facilities, but several years ago he was diagnosed with Parkinson’s, which he refuses to acknowledge and for which he will not take medication. When visiting the doctors, he is on his very best behavior, so the doctors somewhat support his contention, but he regresses extremely quickly once out the door. In recent years he has gotten worse in terms of his decision-making ability – especially financial decisions. His one-tracked mindedness (no matter how asinine his ideas), his verbal abuse to my mother, his physical condition, his slumped-over posture and his failure to hear (which he denies) as well as his ability to track conversations and make associations during a conversation have all worsened. The other day I turned on the TV in the kitchen and nearly had my eardrums blown out – he had the TV cranked up to 72! He’s constantly got Fox News running with the volume cranked, which is hard to deal with. I can only hear about the Delta Variant, Critical Race Theory and that total jackass Hidden Biden so much before I start going mad myself. He waffles back-and-forth with any and every decision to the point where it has become preposterous. Mom can’t really make any decision without Dad flying off the handle. His decisions are almost always wrong (in my opinion) and end up costing 3 times as much as it would have cost if he made a correct decision – which has been a decades-long issue, but has also gotten worse. Additionally, he probably shouldn’t be driving any longer for a variety of reasons.

Then there's the fact that he can also be the sweetest and most generous and genuine man you can imagine.

My brother and I are at a loss as to what to do about the situation. Mom wants to put him in a home, but I can only imagine what a total nightmare that would be. Brother wants to get an attorney involved and transfer power of attorney to Mom. I strongly suspect he eventually wants to pass at home, and who could blame him for that, but his erratic and mean behavior make that difficult for Mom. I know it’s extremely difficult and hurtful for older men to hear any of this from their family, but the time has come and something needs to be done.

So how do I approach this situation as the eldest son as delicately as possible without hurting him and his pride and what is the best course of action?

Any advice would be greatly appreciated. Thank you.

Take care of your mom....first.

How old are your Folks ?

Thanks Jim, I try but I'm 680 miles away in EP, so most of that falls to my brother. Not really sure what else I can do, short of moving back to Big D, but that's not in the cards at the moment and I really don't want to move back to this deteriorating and Marxist-filled city. Maybe closer to Dallas, but I already started a thread about that, which didn't really produce any good answers.

Your dad needs his ass kicked, hard. Only then will he realize it's not all about him.

Fireball2: Yes, very astute observation, but he's so frail now it's not possible w/out a very bad outcome. It should have been done years ago.

Dad's 82, Mom is 78.

Get an 80 year old to do it. He needs it.

Try to get her away for awhile, she could use a break from this

So he fakes good behavior at the Doc’s office and switches back to a-hole around Mom.

So that sounds more ‘him’ than the affliction of Alz.

If an in-home nurse could start coming by, Mom could get a little break while he is occupied with 3rd party care giver. Plus he doesn’t want to get into hot water with the possiblity of being observed being verbal to your mother. It would be him knowing there’s some accountability eyeballs and dialog.

He can’t continue to suck the life out of your mother. Might just have to give a stern talk and law down the law.

Get some big, fat grumpy German or black female CNA to come on over there. They won’t take any lip. Get Olga to give him a couple of weekly enemas. That will bring him down a few notches.


As aside, I can see what someone like VarmintWife must deal with. The level of petulance the seniors put their loved ones through.

700: Good idea, but I don't think Dad would survive for long without her. He never puts anything away, leaves crap all over the place, leaves doors, cabinets, drawers, and even the refrigerator open on occasion. I'm afraid he'd leave the gas stove on and kill himself.

Sounds like he needs to be in a home. Get him in an assisted living home and your mom can visit when she feels like it. Obviously, what's done is done. but it sounds like his behavior started before his current medical condition and should have been dealt with a long time ago. At some point you have to do what's right for your mom.
It's a tough situation that we dealt with somewhat many years ago. My Dad and I had to come to an understanding that me as an adult and my family would not tolerate poor behavior.

Slum, some good advice there, but the Parkinson's has exaggerated his base personality and he no longer has any ability to check himself. His one-track mindedness, his inability to make decisions, his caved-in posture and his absent-mindedness are all symptoms of Parkinson's Disease...

But I like your idea about the big Negress or fat German broad.

Kodiakisland: you are likely correct, but there would be holy hell to pay if/when we try that. & yes, his behavior has always been bad - for the most part. Thanks.

That might be good for him.
Let him see there can be consequences for his bad behavior.

High_Noon:
I'm sorry for your dad's poor health and mean disposition, and I'm sorry for your mother having to have her life horribly affected by a bad and unfair situation.

Know that no matter what you do or how hard you try to placate everyone you will fail. Your father's feelings and pride will both take a beating but that's okay. Some will be happy and some will be miserable.

Because of this you have to implement actions that are well thought out and agreed upon by all caretakers involved. If you act from a position that is void of how things benefit you and only deal with how they benefit each parent you will sleep well at night and be proud of what you do.

It sounds like your mother really needs help and her desire to put him in a home speaks volumes of where her mind is on her situation. I think Parkinson's and other debilitating diseases like that have a tendency to exacerbate personality traits and if your father was vitriolic and abusive when healthy those traits will only be amplified as his illness progresses and he struggles to deal with what is happening to him. While understandable it is not excusable. It sounds like she's endured enough and no one deserves to be a human punching bag especially at that stage of their life. Talk to an attorney and get the legal side of things in order. Get a nurse to stay with your father and bring your mother to your place for a long visit and see how things go. Have a plan in place and don't let emotions hijack it. I bet you'll be amazed at how much your mother changes at your house when she isn't in such an abusive and toilful environment. And you'll realize that without your father doing a 180 on his personality and behavior there is nothing you can do that will suffice him.

I'm sorry for your situation right now but just know many others have traveled similar roads. Good luck. May you be filled with courage, wisdom, and strength. -tnscouter

A relative of mine suffered from Parkinson’s for thirty years before he passed, beginning in his mid-forties. A number of men who had contracted encephalitis while serving in the Pacific in WWII developed this condition to the point they received VA benefits.

I’m happy that your Dad can still function without medication. It’s been a while but last I saw the meds are of limited effectiveness at best.

I wish I had an answer, Whatever the present situation, your Dad must have done something right in his life to have married such a good woman and raised two fine, responsible sons.

Yup!

it's going to be tough but it needs to be done for her sake. doing it and not hurting the oldmans feelings probably ain't going to happen.

Since he likes to play games and hide things from his doctors you need to record him in his temper tantrums as his doctors need to know everything that is going on.

Good luck, sometimes life gets hard and unenjoyable, I don't envy the things your going to have to do but they need to be done. just remember that when Dad gets mad and upset with you he is not himself, he's sick.

It won't matter, he's sick and not in his right mind.

Is there any indication that he may be having mini strokes in addition to the Parkinson’s ? They can be almost imperceptible but can lead to frontal lobe dementia. This is what happened with my dad who has similar symptoms. He became very unsafe and could no longer live alone. Then Parkinson’s disease has a component of dementia which worsens over time.

I like the suggestion that someone made regarding your mom. Too often the caregiver/spouse suffers much more than the person who is ill. The stress on them can be as great or much greater than on the one who is ill. Something as simple as giving your mom time away can help a lot.

My mom died in 08 so my sister and I didn’t have that aspect to deal with. Once we had a clear diagnosis we were able to be a bit more objective or at least better balance out emotion with reason. Based on our experience I’d want to see if medication might moderate his behavior which may be anxiety. Placing a parent in twenty four hour care is not easy but is sometimes the only answer when all else has failed.

Edited to add: Since he is fronting for the doctor a few short discrete phone videos of his various behaviors would help his physician grasp the bigger picture.