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Can’t think of any, but my buddy was eating something pickled with his wife and she asked “can you pickle cucumbers?”

Uhh, WTF…


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Wife and I were headed out of town to Cades Cove for a few days shorty after being married. Driving up to the NC mountains back then was frustrating because HWY 421 was a two lane road and you always were at the mercy of 18 wheelers and RV slugs.

We were bickering about me wanting to stop at a off the track gun store in Yadkinville. As I pulled in to the gravel lot there were a couple of old guys standing around a pick up. I was sipping a cold adult beverage at the time and reached over and pushed the bottle down in my wife's crotch and told her "to keep it cold for me while I went in".

When I reached for the door going into the building that long neck Bud exploded on the brick wall beside me. Never before saw old fellas high stepping as fast as those old boys were getting out of the line of fire.

It was a quiet weekend.


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Originally Posted by hanco
Wifey took exception to something I said, chunked a plastic bottle of syrup. It missed me, exploded when it hit the wall. It made the biggest damn mess. I had to clean it up.

I would not have.

It would have become modern art that feeds the cockroaches before I cleaned that up. smile


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Years ago, I hid a key on the wife's truck, showing her where it was. (In case of lock-out)
Fast forward ~ 3 years, I get a call (she's over at Los Alamos, ~ 95 miles away) "Can you bring the spare key - the PD here won't break in the truck for me."
She got PIZZED when I started laughing - "What's so damn funny?"
When I settled down, and said "Hon, do you remember where WE hid the spare key?", She got riled up even more!
Still mad after almost 2 hours of "settle down time", driving home. smile


I've always been a curmudgeon - now I'm an old curmudgeon.
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When my wife was pregnant with our first I went with her to see her OB in preparation for going into the delivery room with her.
The doctor explained the procedures I was likely to see and explained about the possibility of an episiotomy saying that after delivery he would stitch her back up and asked if I had any questions.
I asked if it would be possible for him to sew in a draw string while he was at it!
The doctor laughed so hard he literally had tears streaming from his eyes.
My wife, on the other hand.....well it seemed she left her sense of humor home that day


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Originally Posted by rockinbbar
Originally Posted by hanco
Wifey took exception to something I said, chunked a plastic bottle of syrup. It missed me, exploded when it hit the wall. It made the biggest damn mess. I had to clean it up.

I would not have.

It would have become modern art that feeds the cockroaches before I cleaned that up. smile


I was thinking the exact same thing.

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Sort of the reverse.

Wife's been induced. Kid's way early - issues, need to deliver now or we lose the boy and the wife.

I'm doing the "dad" thing and helping out. We never did lamaze or anything - was too early. I'm standing there holding a leg, son's born, they whisk away to NICU etc. I'm freaking out - he was blue and never made a noise. I'm not a doctor but I know blue is bad and quiet is bad. Wife is out of it - I'm 22 and this was the first real "oh crap, adulthood is hitting HARD today" moment.

When stressed, I get sarcastic.

Nurse goes "You handled that well. Most fathers get green and have to sit down" - I looked at her and said "No worse than gutting a deer". She didn't find it funny. Bud damn man - my brain was 100mph then.

2 days later, doc asks me who I think the kid looks like - I said the neighbor. Wife didn't find that funny either.

So that was their WTF moment with me I guess.


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Originally Posted by Teal
Sort of the reverse.

Wife's been induced. Kid's way early - issues, need to deliver now or we lose the boy and the wife.

I'm doing the "dad" thing and helping out. We never did lamaze or anything - was too early. I'm standing there holding a leg, son's born, they whisk away to NICU etc. I'm freaking out - he was blue and never made a noise. I'm not a doctor but I know blue is bad and quiet is bad. Wife is out of it - I'm 22 and this was the first real "oh crap, adulthood is hitting HARD today" moment.

When stressed, I get sarcastic.

Nurse goes "You handled that well. Most fathers get green and have to sit down" - I looked at her and said "No worse than gutting a deer". She didn't find it funny. Bud damn man - my brain was 100mph then.

2 days later, doc asks me who I think the kid looks like - I said the neighbor. Wife didn't find that funny either.

So that was their WTF moment with me I guess.

At least it wasn't a pickaninny.

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Girlfriend came home saying the clerk at Walmart was one of the biggest bitches she ever met. I asked her if she was using the self checkout. That was a fun night


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Originally Posted by rockinbbar
Originally Posted by hanco
Wifey took exception to something I said, chunked a plastic bottle of syrup. It missed me, exploded when it hit the wall. It made the biggest damn mess. I had to clean it up.

I would not have.

It would have become modern art that feeds the cockroaches before I cleaned that up. smile

She was pregnant with second, going crazy with a two year old. I cut her a break.

Last edited by hanco; 06/24/22.
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Wife and I were in the delivery room having our first born and I decided that the best place for me was up at the head end. I gave her my index finger to squeeze which was a big mistake. She had that finger bent back so far that I think that I was in as much pain as she was. Advice to all new fathers is always to offer at least two fingers.


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Light comes on the dash of my mother-in-laws car. i look it up in the manual (this was before the systems that tell you exactly what is wrong) and tell my wife she just needs an oil change. my wife decides that is not it and that it needs water and then proceeds to fill the entire crank case with water (where the oil goes). when she tried to crank it, the car hydrolocked before starting. Well she did need an oil change after that. Over 3 of them. Luckily no long term damage to the vehicle. but cost me about $500.

i like to bring this up when she questions my car diagnosis lol

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Originally Posted by Irving_D
Girlfriend came home saying the clerk at Walmart was one of the biggest bitches she ever met. I asked her if she was using the self checkout. That was a fun night


Has to be te funniest one I've heard..


And these zombies line up and eat from the media’s trough

Cowards CANNOT be free. Nor should they be.


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Originally Posted by Teal
Wife is pregnant. Goes to visit her mother for the day an hour away. No big deal. I had things to do around the apartment anyway.

2 weeks later we're all together with her parents and he mother asks me how I liked the apple pie she made? WTF? What apple pie?

Wife starts bawling.

Here she ate the apple pie, while DRIVING on the way home with her hands and stopped off at a gas station to wash them and throw out the tin before she got to the house. Never mentioned it to anyone. Ate a whole damn pie in 60 miles.
That’s natural talent. Ya can’t coach that!


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Originally Posted by ironbender
Originally Posted by Teal
Wife is pregnant. Goes to visit her mother for the day an hour away. No big deal. I had things to do around the apartment anyway.

2 weeks later we're all together with her parents and he mother asks me how I liked the apple pie she made? WTF? What apple pie?

Wife starts bawling.

Here she ate the apple pie, while DRIVING on the way home with her hands and stopped off at a gas station to wash them and throw out the tin before she got to the house. Never mentioned it to anyone. Ate a whole damn pie in 60 miles.
That’s natural talent. Ya can’t coach that!
The Baby just got a sweat tooth and mama had to comply

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back in the old days my wife would never look up a phone number in our address book. Instead, she would just ask me the number since i was good at remenbering phone numbers. I warned her about asking me for phone numbers all the time so, one day she asked for my sisters phone number and I purposely changed the last diget of the phone number. So... She calls the number and then speaks to the person, Not my sister for over ten minutes. i am sitting right there watching and listening to the conversation. Awe struck because i know i gave her the wrond number. Until, finally she reaziles that the person she is talking to is not my sister. WTF................. and very funny.

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Another delivery room story.

We are in the labor room with the OB. Things are progressing quite rapidly.

The hospital had a policy forbidding dads in the delivery room, unless they had lamaze. I said BS. I am not wasting time on that crap. By then I had been armpit deep in more cows than I could count, and it isn't any different.

So anyway, the OB says, She's coming right along. I think we can have this baby right here in the labor room. What do you think.

Doc, whatever you say goes. You are the expert.

So anyway, a few minutes later. I am sitting beside wife's left knee while she is absolutely crushing my left hand, and Dr. is sitting beside her right knee. When he looks at me and asks: Are you going to be allright in here.

I looked back at Dr. and dead serious said: Dang it, I forgot the baling twine.

He got a blank "WTF" look on his face, and questioned: Baling twines?

To which I replied: To tie around the little sucker's feet and pull him out of there.

Dr. gave me a bit of a puzzled look for a moment, then grinned and said: Yeah, you're gonna be fine.

I laughed. Dr. laughed. Momma did NOT laugh. 40 years later, Momma still does not see the humor.

And about five minutes later we had a healthy, pink, squalling boy.


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Wife called me at work in a panic because she was shopping and she couldn't get back into the car because remote key fob died.
I told her to use the key, the one in her hand below the buttons.... Duh.

Then there was the time when we were newlyweds that she went searching for a gas leak behind the stove with a match. I kid you not!


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Ain't sayin.


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