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When our first kid was a month early and she said that sometimes when they are early they come out black.

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Originally Posted by NVhntr
Wife called me at work in a panic because she was shopping and she couldn't get back into the car because remote key fob died.
I told her to use the key, the one in her hand below the buttons.... Duh.

Then there was the time when we were newlyweds that she went searching for a gas leak behind the stove with a match. I kid you not!

I saw Wifey doing that cshit too with a match, she got mad when I called her a Dumass Aggie Engineer. She didn’t have her degree then, but she was mad as hell. I won a 100 bucks from her when I predicted Manziel would flame out in the NFL. I’m proud of that.

Last edited by hanco; 06/24/22.
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Many years ago my new young wife and I had a bunch of family over for dinner. A bowl of something needed heating up so she took it off the table and stuck it in the oven for 15 min. When she brought it back, she held it with hotpads while I dished some out. HOLY HELL! She'd left the spoon in it in the oven. My hand got roasted.


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,,...............
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Mine was the day (last year) when she caught 7 walleye and 3 northern pike to my 1 !!!
32 years married, she's always outfished me.

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Originally Posted by Rock Chuck
Many years ago my new young wife and I had a bunch of family over for dinner. A bowl of something needed heating up so she took it off the table and stuck it in the oven for 15 min. When she brought it back, she held it with hotpads while I dished some out. HOLY HELL! She'd left the spoon in it in the oven. My hand got roasted.

Bonus points if you have burn scars. You can get them to do anything you want with burn scars. (almost)

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Originally Posted by Rock Chuck
Many years ago my new young wife and I had a bunch of family over for dinner. A bowl of something needed heating up so she took it off the table and stuck it in the oven for 15 min. When she brought it back, she held it with hotpads while I dished some out. HOLY HELL! She'd left the spoon in it in the oven. My hand got roasted.


Way back when I was welding every day my wife had something in the oven and she could not find the hot pad holders. She started panicking and started the girly wining.
I told her to get out of my way. I opened the oven door reached in and grabbed the pot that dinner was cooking in.
I then picked it up and set it on top of the stove
It may have taken me 5 seconds.
So then she literally freaked out and told me how stupid I was because now she had to take me to the emergency room for burns on my hands.
I then turned my hands over and said what burns. My hands were fine not even any red from any heat rash.

She just looked at me with those devil eyes that women's get.

I then explained to her that my hands are on fire all day from the heavy welding that I do for a living pulling that pot out of the oven was nothing more than I do every day all day.

She still looked at me with the devil eyes.

I can not do that now my hands have turned soft over the years of not welding every day.

Last edited by funshooter; 06/24/22.
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Wife and the girls and I were going someplace when the girls were about 10 and 12. We stopped to get gas, wife was driving. There is ONE pump open, place is busy. I point out the open pump. Wife declines, no reason given. Pump stays open while she surveys the other, apparently more acceptable, pumps. I mention again that the ONE pump remains open.
Youngest girl chimes in to help ol’ dad out. Wife’s jaw is set, she is NOT going to THAT pump.

We finally got fueled up, but not at THAT pump. It is a source of hilarity for me and the girls to this day, wife will admit that it was simple stubbornness. Fortunately, that is the one and only time I can remember her being stubborn, other than staying with me.

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Now, that could have been my wife.

She is a pretty bright lady and seldom gives me cause to shake my head. But there was an incident about six months after we were married.

While in High School, she had worked at Taco Time. While there she had collected a set of "Looney Tunes" drinking glasses.

One morning she hollered at me to come kill a spider. It was inside the Bugs Bunny glass. So I killed it. She promptly picked up the glass and dropped it into the kitchen garbage. I told her there was nothing wrong with the glass and I squirted a little Dawn into it then washed it and put it into the proper cabinet.

The next day when I took the garbage out to the burn barrel, there was Bugs Bunny sitting atop the barrel.

I took poor Bugs in, rinsed him out, and ran him through the dish washer. Momma walked into the kitchen just as I was placing Bugs into his place in the cabinet.

Without a word, she reached over and picked up the glass. Silently, she walked out to the burn barrel and broke that glass over the rim of the barrel.

"Do you think you can wash it now?"

Did I mention, she really does not like spiders?


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That each person may reap as he/she has sown.
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My EX-wife and I were moving from NAS Pensacola to Camp Lejeune, probably 1984ish. Way before cell phones. I’m driving the U-Haul truck with everything we owned in it with my truck in tow on a carrier, all paid for through the generosity of the Marine Corps, with the dogs in the no a/c cab with me. She’s driving the Buick following.

When we stopped somewhere to get gas, I said let’s go another hour or so, when I see a decent sized exit with a McDonalds ahead, I’ll turn on my emergency flashers. You pull off and pick us up some lunch, I’ll pull over after the exit on the side of the highway, let the dogs do their business, and then you can bring me something to eat and drink, and we’ll go until we need gas again. (I’ll admit, I was nervous about getting trapped in some parking lot or drive through with the truck, trailer, etc).

Hour or so later, I saw what I was looking for, put the flashers on, she pulled off, I pulled off after the exit. Put the dogs on leashes and they did their business, back in the cab they went. I’m pretty proud of my planning skills at this point. I’m leaning against the back of my truck having a smoke, watching the on ramp a few hundred yards behind me. Here comes the blue Buick, quickly gets to highway speed and flies by me going about 75. I’m standing there in disbelief. WTF?!?!?!

I stand there in disbelief until she’s damned near out of sight, cuss, stomp out the smoke, get back in the U-Haul, fire it up and take off in “hot pursuit”. Not only did it take forever to get it up to about 50, I immediately remembered that it had a limit of about 58 mph. I did not see the back end of the Buick for over an hour! 🤬 By this time, we’d thankfully hit some traffic and I was able to actually pass her, got in front of her, signaled at the next decent exit to get gas. I pulled into a gas station with no overhang, jumped out of the cab, and began the WTF discussion. Her response, “Oh, I thought you meant you wanted me to bring you your lunch the next time we stopped to get gas.” My question of “why the fugg do you think I was sitting there on the side of the highway?!?!” was met with the same blank stare as if I’d asked her for the atomic weight of plutonium!

She went back to the Buick after handing me that cold-ass sack of McDonalds and the watery Coke. I filled the truck up and pointed it towards North Carolina. Pretty cold in the hotel room that night as well!

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Divorcing the knut

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If it weren't for the Hoo-Haa, there would be a bounty on them.

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What JB calls a "starter Wife" woke up one morning mad enough at me not to speak. Finally got it out of her, she had a dream where I was with another woman.......WTF!


"...the left considers you vermin, and they'll kill you given the chance..." Bristoe
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Originally Posted by ingwe
What JB calls a "starter Wife" woke up one morning mad enough at me not to speak. Finally got it out of her, she had a dream where I was with another woman.......WTF!


Who’s the birthday boy?


Obey lawful commands. Problem solved.

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Have been to too many restaurants and the waiter or kitchen gets her order wrong .you don't want to be anywhere near her whe she unload s ,it has happened so many times the girls and I call it the bad waiter speech


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My wife, one of our friends and I were going to spend the day on the water, fishing, swimming and just generally hanging out. I had tinkered with the boat trailer lights the night before so when we were ready to leave I told the wife to go see if the lights are working.

"left signal?" = "yep"

"right signal?"

"right signal?" = "yep" (Now she's on the back right side of the boat trailer)


"Brakes?" = "ummm....right side is working. Hold on...(walks to back left side of boat trailer) = "yep"


Then it dawned on me....


"Are you looking at the lights on the TRUCK??!!"



"OHHHHHHHHHH = yep"


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"I fear all we have done is to awaken a sleeping giant and fill him with a terrible resolve" - Isoroku Yamamoto

There sure are a lot of America haters that want to live here...



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Originally Posted by ingwe
What JB calls a "starter Wife" woke up one morning mad enough at me not to speak. Finally got it out of her, she had a dream where I was with another woman.......WTF!

How long did you live with her prior to marrying her? I ran three years...


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The wife was on the table getting ready to have a C section delivery of our son. I’m standing back by the surgeon watching as the doc takes the scalpel and slices across her distended stomach. Before I could catch myself I said “dang, this is just like gutting an elk!” Didn’t have to worry about child number two for awhile after that comment!

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Wanted a Miroku 45-70 back in the 90s. Talked with the wife about it as it was a fair bit of coin for us back in the day. I had an opportunity to do some extra work to earn the money without affecting the household budget. So she agreed. A month or so later, I walk through the door with said 1886 in hand. Wifey is sitting on the couch with a couple of friends and it gets real quiet as I walk through the living room. A bit later they leave and she’s in the kitchen. I asked her something about seeing the gun and she turns and launches the 2 qt. saucepan at me. I quickly duck and beat a hasty retreat.

After a few hours, I came back and ask her WTH that was about. Apparently yes meant no and I was supposed to know the difference and I embarrassed her in front of her friends! She was always a bit crazy 😵‍💫

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Originally Posted by ingwe
What JB calls a "starter Wife" woke up one morning mad enough at me not to speak. Finally got it out of her, she had a dream where I was with another woman.......WTF!

Oh yeah, Momma has done that a few times. But she is able to laugh about the silliness of it, even though she is still giving me suspicious glances.


My ideal as a conservative:

That each person may reap as he/she has sown.
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Originally Posted by 12344mag
When were about 6 years into our marriage we were at a local store and she started reaming out a guy that was 3 times my size, fortunately I knew the guy quite well she just didn't know it.

When I quite laughing I asked her if she was trying to get my ass beat.



Guns are responsible for killing as much as Rosie O'Donnel's fork is responsible for her being FAT.
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