Home Forums Hunting & Shooting Hunter's Campfire My mother in law is losing her mind.

"Dementia is way harder on the ones that don't have it."

A classic understatement to be sure. Taking care of my late wife who had dementia was a living hell. The last two weeks of her life she was literally completely unaware of her surroundings. At the end, her brain just turned everything off and she passed.

You have my prayers for the strength to care for the lady.
PJ

Dad is seeing the early stages of Lewey Body Dementia in my mom. She is on some meds that seem to be helping.

I don’t mean to sound materialistic but get an appointment with a local, trusted will and trust attorney. Use home health nurses as much as you can. But if you and your wife to have to put her in a nursing home or care facility her estate needs to be in order. I’m not sure how laws in other states differ but in AR nursing homes will charge the family out of pocket until all assets are sold to fund monthly rates before billing Medicare. This includes land, homes, any financial assets. They will break you and then bill Medicare. Until that point she will get good care. After Medicare kicks in, who knows.

If her financial assets are put in a trust for your wife and siblings, it can’t be touched after a certain point in time because your MIL would not legally possess them. I know I might sound greedy but dad told us if he ever had to put mom in a nursing home, and there was no trust set up then their home, land, the farmland she inherited from her dad would all have to be sold before Medicare kicked in. So he put it all in a trust along with their house for my siblings and I. Hopefully your wife and her siblings have a good enough relationship to trust each other in all of this.

Just something to be aware of. Prayers for you and your family.

This^^^^

My wife has been diagnosed with Alzheimer's! We are still functioning fairly well. The meds the Dr's prescribed are helping. I know it's a matter of time, before she will need help beyond my capabilities. We've done the power of attorney. Haven't done the trust yet. Will need to get on that! The hardest thing now is bursts of anger, because she knows whats coming. I have found a hug a telling her I love her seems to calm her down. Things around the house that have always had a particular place just vanish! I play hide and seek everyday. The thing that seems to help the most at the moment, excerise! The days she exercise's are way better than if she doesn't! A family friend has two care facilities, and his wife comes by to give me a break when I ask. Anyway it's just another curve ball in life, we are trying to bat five hundred. Time will tell!

Not sure what state you are in, but it is worth it to pay for a consultation with a Medicaid expert.
Good luck.

Sorry, Heym…It’s gotta be beyond words difficult.

🦫

Electro shock theralpy, Part one.

Thanks will do that also!

I went through this with my Mom. Very bright articulate woman, and it just fell off the edge about age 85. She was still teaching upper division math at UT Martin at 80, loved to teach.

She knew it was coming on, had me sign to be her "advocate" to make legal and medical decisions, said the Dr. son was too brusque, the lawyer son too greedy, the girls too soft and Pop, well, he meant well.

From car keys in the freezer, to exit seeking in a big way, she kept trying to get "home". Pop trying to work his garden, he tied the door shut from the outside, she crawled out the basement window, and was walking down Hwy. 54 center stipe as her guide. Family conference the next day, Dr. brother said best thing was let her get run over, lawyer to busy to show up. Pop was furious when I loaded her up and took her to Memory Care. (6 months later he forgave me, he did not realize how desperately tired he was from trying to look after her, and the bouts of her anger were wearing him down too, but it was ugly for a while...)

We were very lucky that they had enough money from savings and retirement to afford it, not cheap by the way, but she was 10 minutes from my office so I dropped in frequently and never on a set schedule. A couple of years and she passed on. She got to where she could not speak, all she could mange was yes or no, you could see the frustration well up in her eyes when you visited.

When I moved her stuff out, she had light-fingered a couple of hundred spoons and had them hidden all over her room (WTF, over) I guess just her way of messing with the man in her last way to do so.

My fear, is that I am headed down the same path. There is history in our gene pool of outliving the mind, I have terrible recall for names at 68. I can still quote the TN Constitution, but can't find my dang car keys, have had to make a list of crap I need to go to town, the mental acuity is justnot there like it was.

Good luck Mr. Greg, it is a bumpy ride.

having a nutter mother in law is a serious cross to bear. It never works out well for the husband

I'm helping with my wifes mom now.

She was mean and hateful before she forgot she was mean and hateful.

Oh yeah, bitter as hell too.

She don't give me any chit but will cut her only daughter every chance she can.

We have POA. I deal with all her banking, doctor visits and car crashes. We're trying to stop her from driving, that's not going well.

We got her in a rehab facility after a long hospital stay, 2 days later they kicked her out for mistreating staff.

When the time comes and she is forced into a home she will be something to deal with.

OP, hopefully your wife will let you or others help and give herself a break.

One word...

Medicate.

Been there, done that.
The anger and meanness does not go away. It only gets worse until the dementia really kicks in.
Then zombieland.

My neighbor is going through that. She wants to stay in her house and has the means to do so and has 24 hour "care" that really is marginal. Would be better off in a decent care facility.

The house is in need of repair and she won't pay for anything to be done. (Her deceased husband took care of all the house needs and she doesn't seem to have any understanding of how much needs to be done or how much it costs to do it.

Nice lady. Very sad.

I don't envy what some of you must endure. Taking care of my Ma is becoming more time consuming , but she still manages to go next door to the farm to feed my BIL (with MS) every day. The nurses were showing up when they felt like , so my 86 yr. old Ma took over the task. Had to nip her driving excursions in the bud , though! You all hang tough!

That is where we were. My wife was painfully aware of what a self centered, needy, demanding, hypochindriac, BITCH her her Mother was, ever since wife was in Jr High School. So there was no problem. We both knew she could not live with us as her Alzheimer's progressed.

Our oldest daughter has the biggest heart in the world, and decided Gramma would live with her, her Husband, and two teenage daughters.

I warned her that Gramma was not nice before Alzheimers, and had become much worse. Gramma would destroy her marriage and home given 1/2 a chance.

Well, that arrangement lasted about three months. One thing our Daughter could not put up with was Gramma abusing those teenaged girls.

We were all dirty, ungrateful, evil bastards, and dozens of other curse words the day we loaded the old bitch up and took her to a home.

The first home kicked her out after a few weeks for abusing other residents. She escaped from the second home three different times. Police had to intervene, and return her to the home.

The third home was "Grace Assisted Living". They had a double coded entry way, so she could no longer just wait by the door for a visitor to walk in and escape before the door closed.

The staff took really good care of her and were attentive to her needs until the day she passed in late 2019.

My wife's maternal Grandmother died with Alzeimers. As did every one of my wife's Aunts and Uncles on that side of the family. Contracted in their late 70s to early 80s.

Yes, I am a bit concerned for my 65 year old wife's prognosis. She is the sweetest lady around. Our daughters got their giving nature from their Momma.

But when Alzheimers starts eating holes in the brain, all bets are off. I will keep her home and care for her as well and as long as possible.

As an aside, one of our retired workmates developed alzheimers. His wife took care of him at home. Until the day he got a gun and murdered her.

The next day he had no idea why she was dead, or even that she was dead.

They did not even have a trial. Just put him in a home for a few months until he died there.

Alzheimers is an ugly, ugly, condition which I hope modern medicine can soon find a treatment for.

Eliminating her driving is pretty easy if you have POA.

Sometimes you just have to be an azzhole and take the reigns.

My wife. Disabled so at least she cant walk away. Fill the pill box and watch or the dog gets the dropped ones. I accompany her at every doctor visit because she cant remember. Still has a sense of humor but the filter for comments is gone. Lately has been going through the lonely blues, crying over everyone gone. That is part of the dark season Christmas conundrum.

I will keep her home. She was an excellent caregiver for her dad, both my parents. This is a test if myy manhood.

Greg,

I've been involved three times, grandmother, and both my mother and father in-law. A lot of good advice is this thread, especially around estate planning, powers of attorney, and getting on wait lists early.

I want to emphasis just how important tackers can be. Generally it's not a matter of if, but when they get lost, and if they remain physically mobile during their mental decline, how often they get lost, so get a tracker. Along with that comes knowing when to take away the car keys, for her safety and everyone else on or near a road.

Lastly, part of the process is a loss of emotional control and their conversation filters. If your MIL harbored any ill feeling in her life be prepared for her to say all kinds of mean and unkind things, remembering things that never happened, or putting other strange ideas in your wife's head. Make sure your wife's prepared for this as well. Yes, they can get mean. Sometime it expresses itself as violence, times through destructive words.

Best of luck. I wish this on no one.

Told my wife and daughter, when the time comes stick me in a home.


I watched my mother and aunt t try to take care of my grandfather for a few months before they finally got him 24/7 in home care. They still had a hell of a job on their hands. Aunt had dialysis 3 days a week, lasted just over a year longer than grandpa.

No way do I want my family to have to deal with me. I see it as nothing but being selfish by making family take care of me, its not their job.

Damn, my heart goes out to you folks having to deal with this. It’s something beyond my experience. Fortunately, heart attacks seem to be what has taken out most of my progenitors.