Home Forums Hunting & Shooting Hunter's Campfire The babe in the white bathing suit

That reminds me of a story that has been told about David Niven.

Niven and a man were standing chatting at a party. They looked up to see two women at the top of the stairs.

Niven commented, "That is the ugliest woman I have ever seen."

The man replied, "That is my wife."

The suave Niven quickly said, "I meant the other one."

To which the man said, "That is my daughter."

Calmly, Niven, in leaving, said, "I never said it."

After my wife completed college and got a job, she became friends with a local gal who invited her to visit her church one Sunday. They sat together and a lady came up front to do the announcements and such. She was covered in thick white makeup, Big beehive hairdo, low cut top with half her uppers showing, short pencil skirt well above the knees, covered in gaudy real and fake jewelry, etc. My wife elbowed her new found pal and remarked to the effect of the lady probably being the church whore. As the preacher took the podium the lady came and sat with my wife's pal who was Introduced as her mom.

OUCH!!!

Dammit!

I honestly have never pulled one like that. I can not claim to be that smart so I would just have to credit Divine Intervention that keeps my mouth shut.

Had a guy worked in shipping at a big print shop when I had a bindery business that worked for a bunch of different print shops. Les knew I had a 1000cc motorcycle so he was asking me about good tires that would work for his goldwing, we were talking about some I knew of and he asked if that would be rated for enough weight for his bike with two riders? I said it should do fine unless he was going to be riding with a 350 pound sweat hog. The look on his face made me a bit, shall we say apprehensive. I beat feet over to the letterpress department where my brother worked and asked if Les's wife was big, he asked why and I told him what I said. He said no way, tell me you didn't say that so I assured him I certainly did. He said she weighed more like 400 pounds. I was purely mortified, it was one of the worst foot in mouth episodes I've ever done.

I went over to Les and told him I was really sorry, that I usually didn't say things like that, he just sort of brushed me off with a "to each his own, it turns my crank". The guys would not let me live that one down for quite awhile.

That made me think about a guy in Fairfield that owned a pawn shop by Travis AFB. A whole lotta rifles went through that pawn shop, I stopped there two times a week seeing if there was anything I had to have. This was a nice quiet sort of guy. One day there was a pimped out caddy out front and a black woman with a leopard print spandex mini skirt, four inch nails, high heels, inch long eye lashes, the full monte of street walkers uniform.

She left and I asked where did the hooker come from? He sort of coldly informed me that that she was his wife.

Damn I felt like crawling into a hole.

I bought a rifle I didn't really even want.

My first wife worked as a waitress at a coffee shop while she was going to school. I'd go in a couple of times a week and have breakfast at about 6:00 in the morning, there were a good bunch of truck drivers I got along well with.

When I first started doing this there was one time that one of the drivers had a different set of comments to make every time our waitress left, "man that waitress is a fox, I can't seem to get anywhere with her and I've been trying for weeks, man I'd like to go out with her, etc etc. As we'd been there she was getting friendlier and friendlier with me and he's saying, "man, she's been an ice queen with me and here you are playing with her finger already. So I'd eaten breakfast and she leaned over the counter and grabbed my hand with hers while she was talking, and gave me a quick kiss. I left never telling the guy this was my fiance. When I got home she was laughing her butt off, she said this guy was bugging her about what I had that he didn't so she finally told him I was her fiance.

He told her I was an [bleep] for letting him go on the way he did without ever letting on I was her boyfriend let alone fiance.

Moans from inside the ticket office in the Saudia section of the Pan Am building at JFK elicited no end of murmurs and questions in the waiting area. The story �

A Saudi walked into a bar in New York City and sat down at the table where an exceptionally beautiful young woman sat alone. He launched an earnest conversation and pulled-out a big wad of $100 bills and asked "How much?" as he peeled-off a few bills. She got up and took her drink to another table. He followed her. "How much?"

The bar-tender noticed.

"Sir, I'll be happy to serve you whatever you like, if you'll just find another table and stop annoying my wife."

The Saudi peeled-off a few more bills and repeated, louder, "How much?"

The bar-tender (owner) took the lady into the office behind the bar and made a 'phone call.

A little while later, two men came in and escorted the Saudi outside for a quiet conversation that elicited sharp cries of pain.

An ambulance hauled the quivering, bleeding, moaning remains of the Saudi away. The big Saudia sneeze in New York 'phoned home and was told that whatever it took, that Saudi was to be on the next Saudia flight home.

The story spread quickly in Jeddah, and that bar was a ya-gotta-go-there stop for all American ex-pats on their trips home from Saudi Arabia. "Let me buy you and your wife a drink" was the standard way of greeting the bar-tender, and a not-small number of guys who couldn't go pay him homage in person sent their tributes to him by others.

I don't recollect that there was any more Saudi patronage there, however.