Home Forums Hunting & Shooting Hunter's Campfire Almost as much fun as getting hemorrhoids fixed.

It could have been worse; he could have put BOTH hands on your shoulders while doing the prostate exam.

Humm .. maybe a poke in the eye with a sharp stick IS a better alternative.

Female doctors probably have smaller fingers, too. I've never asked for that option but it's probably worth considering.

It is amazing how many doctors and dentist we pay to hurt us.

I've had female primary care physicians for the past 15 years.

Prostate exams are a lot less creepy that way.

Getting old is not for sissies...I'm 64 and had to have a needle stuck into Mr. Happy last fall. Although it wasn't QUITE as bad as I feared, I would prefer to wait another 64 years before it happens again.

I had surgery back in '86 and they inserted a foley catheter to drain the bladder. A few months later I couldn't urinate, I drank coffee thinking it might help increase the pressure. No luck. I called the doc and he said to take a warm bath. No luck. By now I have had to go potty for over two hours and I am a little uncomfortable. Call the doc back and he says go to outpatient. I go and wait in the room for a half hour when a nurse shows up with a foley catheter. He tries three or four times to get it in with no luck. He leaves me there for another half hour. Finally he comes in and says the urologist will be coming in. I wait another hour and finally the doc arrives. Now he is a grumpy old guy who dispises me and I don't like him one bit. Good doc, just a grumpy guy.
A nurse brings in a tray of long metal rods with sharpened points and it ain't looking good. The doc has me laying on the table as he looks over the rods and picks one out. He grabs Herman with one hand and the rod with the other. He proceeds to stick the rod into poor Herman and my butt wanted to jump 2 feet into the air. Now I haven't peed in four or five hours so urine and blood come flying out. He yells at me to quit jumping and to be quiet. He grabs another rod and shoves it in.
After the mayhem he tells me, with a smile on his face, that I had a stricture due to scarring from the first foley. I took some benedryl that afternoon and that is what caused it to close.
He also reminded me that he didn't appreciate being called in at all hours of the night.
When he left I was covered in blood, sweat, and urine. I will never forget that night and pray it never happens again.

Been there and done that, not again

Be happy ,y sister Charity isn't a doctor, just an IDMT, she has a sick sense of humor, one guy had to get the old finger up the wazoo, just as she was getting read to do it, she pu on hand on his left shoulder, threw a rubber glove filled with sand on his other shoulder than proceeded to start the prostate check. She keeps telling me she wants to be around if I have a heart attack, something about an atropine injection.

When he had you bend over, his hands weren't on your shoulders I hope.

I had a prostrate check last year. A female physician assistant who has seen my wife and I for the last 5 years. She said to me it's that time of the year for your annual check. Do I need to get escort. I said, why are we going to have a party? It took her five minutes to stop laughing.....

I was thinking the same thing a couple years back, so went to a female urologist. The time came and she said "ready?". Before I could get a word out she jammed her fingers (multiple) in up to her elbow. She was obviously trying to get back at men for I can only imagine what... I had a flashback to when I was in college and was studying in the basement of the student union where all the clubs had their offices. I didn't know it at first, but I was sitting by the gay and lesbian union's office. One woman was talking loudly about how all men should have a broomstick shoved up their a$$es to see how it felt...

Ya big Pansy....

A contractor friend of mine just had a hemorroid job that has been a nightmare for him, and because he screwed me over pretty bad on my remodel what I considered karma.

This guy is Swedish and talks with a very heavy Swedish accent, and really humorous syntax, he's funny to listen to the way he says things. He's 6'3" and very lean wiry type, major tattoos, the guy looks like pure unadulterated bad news. To add to that he is bad to the bone, he fought MMA out of Sweden in the 70's before they had any rules and was undefeated for years.

He calls me and says , "Keeeth, I am not going to be able to have fondue tonight, I am at the doctors with blood coming out of my ass hole, I cannot even sit down, I do not know how I will get back home even.

I asked what's going on, he says, Keeeth, what is going on is the most humiliating thing I have ever had happen to me in my life" I'm having a seriously tough time not laughing at the way he's describing his 'roid job. I asked why he says that, he says, "Keeeeth, they told e to pull my pants down around my knees and bend over this table, and then a 22 year old assistant, a girl comes in. I cut in and asked if she was cute, he says no she was very ugleeee but it did not matter, I was bent over this table with tears of humiliation and shame running down my face.

I gotta tell you I was dying. I asked who was doing the work, the girl or the doctor. He says "Keeeeth, I did not care who was doing what, it was the worst experience of my life.

Well the end result (no pun intended) is that thus did not go well, he was in way too much pain and the bands had to come off early, he's taking oxycodone to manage the pain, and five or six weeks later he still has a day off his feet after he takes a crap.

This is a big, incredibly strong and tough guy taken down by an ass hole.

A few years ago when I went to my normal doctor for something he was out for a few months and had a very cute petite asian woman doctor taking his place. I'd been flirting around with her anyway, and when she asked if there was anything else she could help me with, I said "you know, I'm probably due to have some polyps checked and have been sort of putting it off, but I was thinking it wouldn't be nearly as bad if you checked me out". She blushed and told e nice try, Dr Stoller would take care of that when he gets back. I continued to tease her and said she had such small slender nice hands that I really would prefer her to do it.

You gotta try.

She probably thought you were a prevert. That's on the way to becoming a pervert...

Not to be confused with a "dirty old man."

DF

That would be one heck of a long time not knowing about them. I have no personal experience with hernias, although I've thought I might have one a very brief time or two. I always thought they tended to get worse as time went on and hence, hard to ignore.

Regardless, hope it all gets better for you. Oh, and a tip. Next time have the doc check your prostate while they have you under for a colonoscopy. You won't even know it happened, or even if he puts both hands on your shoulders.

I shall now wait with bated breath for your writeup on your colonoscopy adventure.

My urologist is a drop-dead knockout gorgeous female, about 28 years old.

She is really, really hot!


She said I have to stop masturbating.

I asked "Why?"

She said "Because I am trying to examine you!"

<rimshot>

John

Bwahahahahahahah that had me rolling! Very well done!

Yeah,...I had one o'them things cut offa me once,...not the hospital kind,..but the outpatient type.

They had this hydraulic table thing that ya squatted on and it raised ya up and bent you over so that the hemmorrhoid was in the optimum position to be worked on.

So there I am,...all up in the air with my ass poked out for all the world to see,..not a trace of dignity left anywhere,..and I'm thinkin',.. "Maybe I just shoulda prayed about this fer a day er two."

After I'm all up in the air on that azzhole car lift,...this pretty little nurse walks in. Ain't no doubt that they make the pretty little nurse stay outside until they get you ready,...'cause ain't no man gonna let hisself get in that position in front of *any* woman,....

Well,...I'm fairly anxious by then and I'm wonderin', "What's this gonna be like?"

I look back under my arm and the doc is holdin' a syringe with a needle about 2 feet long, and he tells me, "Now you just say anything you want, 'cause we've heard it all".

Naturally, my first thought is "Oh chit!"

Then he stuck the needle in it.

I made a noise like a donkey.

I ain't ever made a noise like a donkey before,...didn't even know I could,..but I learned that day that if a doctor sticks a needle in an inflammed area of my bunghole,..I can indeed make a donkey noise.

You can too.

Believe it.

Also,..after the donkey noise had played out, I couldn't breath. Now,...I don't know what the connection between ya bunghole and your lungs is,...but they is one,...because when somebody sticks a needle in ya bunghole, your lungs just up and shut down. There's no doubt whatsoever that if he had stuck me twice, I woulda suffocated. Just call the bonewagon and the tombstone place,...have 'em inscribe, "Here's Bristoe,...they stuck him twice."

Then he started cutting on it with one o'them hi tech Exacto knives that the doctors use.

Of course, by this time I got no dignity left and don't really give a damn. My left eyeball is out of its socket,...I have brayed like a donkey,..I can't breath, and a pretty young nurse is dabbin' the blood off my bag with a cotton ball and saying', It'll all be over in a minute".

Things get kinda fuzzy after that.

The doc gave me a prescription for pain pills,...I chased 'em down with a half pint,...and have been trying to forget ever since,..to no avail.

All I can say is,..eat fiber.

Man, what a thread!

We have Rob P and Bristoe posting stuff about 'roids so funny that somebody should be selling tickets.

Rick should make this "hemorrhoids thing" sticky!

No, wait, that does not sound right!

John