Which 'fire member was this? Actually, scratch that. I don't want to know.

*****
Dr. William A. Morton, Jr. MD, retired urologist, West Chester, PA.

One morning I was called to the emergency room by the head ER nurse. She directed me to a patient who had refused to describe his problem other then to say that he "needed a doctor who took care of men's troubles." The patient, about 40, was pale, febrile, and obviously uncomfortable, and had little to say as he gingerly opened his trousers to expose a bit of angry red and black-and-blue scrotal skin.

After I asked the nurse to leave us, the patient permitted me to remove his trousers, shorts, and two or three yards of foul-smelling, stained gauze wrapped about his scrotum, which was swollen to twice the size of a grapefruit and extremely tender. A jagged zig-zag laceration, oozing pus and blood, extended down the left scrotum.

Amid the matted hair, edematous skin, and various exudates, I saw some half-buried dark linear objects and asked the patient what they were. Several days earlier, he replied, he had injured himself in the machine shop where he worked, and had closed the laceration himself with a heavy-duty stapling gun. The dark objects were one-inch staples of the type used in putting up wallboard.

We x-rayed the patients scrotum to locate the staples; admitting him to the hospital; and gave him tetanus antitoxin, a broad-spectrum antibacterial therapy, and hexachlorophene sitz baths prior to surgery the next morning.

The procedure consisted of exploration and debridement of the left side of the scrotal pouch. Eight rusty staples were retrieved, and the skin edges were trimmed and freshened. The left testis had been avulsed and was missing. The stump of the spermatic cord was recovered at the inguinal canal, debrided, and the vessels ligated properly, though not much of a hematoma was present. Through-and through Penrose drains were sutured loosely in site, and the skin was loosely closed.

Convalescence was uneventful, and before his release from the hospital less then a week later, the patient confided the rest of his story to me.

An unmarried loner, he usually didn't leave the machine shop at lunchtime with his co-workers. Finding himself alone, he had begun the regular practice of masturbating by holding his penis against the canvas drive-belt of a large floor-based piece of running machinery. One day, as he approached orgasm, he lost his concentration and leaned too close to the belt. When his scrotum suddenly became caught between the pulley-wheel and the drive-belt, he was thrown into the air and landed a few feet away. Unaware that he had lost his left testis, and perhaps too stunned to feel much pain, he stapled the wound closed and resumed work.

I can only assume that he abandoned this method of self-gratification.

*****

Let this be a lesson to all you basterds. Don't staple your ballsac closed if you rip it open while masturbating on a piece of running machinery. SEEK PROFESSIONAL MEDICAL HELP!

That will buff right out.. wow..

OMG.............. I can't believe he just stapled it up and resumed work after lunch break.

OUCH!

Hold into the wind.

.............. For sure........ That's the stuff that hurts just thinking about it.

I am trying to eat!

"Hey, what's the dog chewing on?"

ImAgine the guy sweeping up at the end of the day.

What's that thing rolling around amidst the metal shavings?....!

Stapled his scrotum.....and went back to work.

thats for the warning. that pto on the farmall was calling my name.

That guy's nuts!

But did he “get a nut” for all the trouble

Or at the point of the losing his concentration, was it Nutis Interruptis?

they story left us....hanging

I thought it was in the bag

Wonder if he later got a plastic nut installed - you know to kinda' even things out.

Anf not so lomg ago we were laughing at guys wasting money on sex dolls. UL approved would've saved that guy money plus.

I don't want the idiot to breed.

All good.

OSHA needs to visit to make sure everything is masturbate-safe.

Maybe all his buds can take up a collection, send him to the Pink Lady, let him lay his nuts on some midget pole dancer’s forehead while she sings a stevie nicks song.

Reminds me of the time I was..... Oh, nevermind.

I was having trouble placing who this could be...............Until it got to the masturbation part, there is no doubt this is Travis!

No way. Clark don't know nutt'n bout chinery.

Fixed it.

When I was working in the ER I examined a guy who was complaining of acute abdominal pain. I placed my stethoscope on his abdomen and heard a fierce buzzing sound that was new to me. Sure enough he had a huge democrat w/ its' base well up there in his colon. I told him he would feel better once the batteries ran down. There is no end to the weird that guys can do to themselves...or pay to have done.


mike r

And here I thought Las Vegas had a high concentration of creative thinkers.


mike r

That's how we do it here in America, mate!

Fuqkin' A Bubba!!

I like his work ethic.

That's pretty hardcore. I'd probably hire him. Ball is in his court.

Just another story of a guy using heavy machinery to masturbate that went wrong by ripping off his testicle so he stapled his sack shut with a heavy duty stapler. Nothing to see here. Move along...

Yeah. We've all been there, right?

Like slamming your sack in a car door repeatedly. I hate it when that happens...

I've had that happen two or three times myself. This is headlines?

Get your shorthairs in the rollers of that belt sander, boy, you’ll see God, at least for a 5 seconds worth

Won Hung Low

I've read this a good while back along with
the one about the lonely dairy worker and
the milking machine

Varmit Guy 😁

Protestant Work Ethic!

Tough hombre

So pneumatic or manual stapler? It didn't specify. Asking for a friend...

That guy really has balls!

Well, one anyhow.

That'll make your ass pucker by golly!

Or somewhere.

My wife runs an animal clinic. I cut the hell out of my arm one day on a piece of tile, i just wrapped it up and kept working thinking it wasn’t too bad. At the end of the day when I unwrapped it I realized it needed stitches. I had her bring home a staple gun they use for the animals. It was sterile and has like 25 staples in it. She cleaned it up, shaved the area and stapled my cut. It wasn’t anything painful like I thought it would be. All that being said, you would have to knock me out before you came close to the twig and berries with that thing. I can’t imagine the internal fortitude that guy had if this story is indeed true.

Yep. If he’s tough enough to staple his on nut sack, you don’t won’t to piss him off. 😬

They need to nickname him "Mounds".
You know the jingle: "Almond Joy has nuts, Mounds don't".

Back in '86, I think it was, a friend told me that when he was a youngster, there was an older feller who only had one nut [probably] due to a violent masturbation accident. They called him Scunion.

no, he's nut

His work work ethic can't be faulted.

That's hysterical.

If youre stupid then you gotta be tough!!!

...time to nut up and get back to work.

I
{'m waiting for the new OSHA lockout directives. And hazard signs/ Do not use staplrt on your bag. -Thanks for the warning - I never would have guessed/

Straight outta the obvious (?) file I would have thought.

It's a bad day when you loose one and don't even realize it.
.

So, he just shot the staples straight in assuming the straight legs would hold them in place? He didn't use a paper stapler that would bend the legs over to hold them in place? His problem was that he didn't have a tool up to the job. He needed a roofing stapler.

One inch staples...
Eight of 'em.

Shootin' MOA I guess

Should have given it a douse of Orange Juice to disinfect.

Yah, I was thinking, if'n I had to, I'd shy away from the 1" Staples. I mean, that's pretty ballzy.

braid fishing line and a needle mo better have used on the dog.

Dad cut his casts off his feet after he broke them at jump school.



He didnt want anyone too see he was busted up.

Some pretty unusual stuff comes in the ER's/ED's.

It's not a fun day when this happens.

My neighbor had this fricken beagle named Buddy. Buddy the beagle was a menace to society. I think that bastard bit the UPS guy 3 or 4 times and got a couple of the neighborhood kids a few times as they rode their bikes. I'm surprised he never got sued.

One day I went over to his house to talk to him about something and I knew Buddy was inside. Figured I was safe. That was my first mistake. So I go to the front door and ring the doorbell and I was going to tell Bob to meet me out by the garage. His stupid daughter, 30 something year old, comes to the door and opens it wide up. Buddy shoots out of there airborne like a rocket and bit me twice before he hit the ground. It was like a bolt of lightning. So I jumped inside the house and slammed the door leaving Buddy outside. She says, "Oh my God, did he just bite you?" DUH. I said yes and asked where her father was. She said he ran up to the store and would be home soon and then asked if I was alright. I told her I was fine and that I'd stop by later. So I left out through the garage and got into my truck. It was in the Summer time, so I was wearing shorts. I looked down and my pants were turning red. I rushed home and checked it out. The bastard laid open my left nut and got me in the thigh.

After I got the bleeding under control, I rushed to the ER. I ended up with a male nurse luckily. As I sat there while he was stitching me up, I told him how embarrassing this was. He said that this is nothing, I was the victim of a dog attack. He said that you wouldn't believe all of the schit he's pulled out of dude's asses. I ended up with 4 stitches in the nut and a puncture wound to the leg. The leg was the worst believe it or not. If he wasn't my neighbor, I would have called the cops.

Now hitting it with 1" staples yourself? That dude had balls of steel........ or a ball of steel.

Sorry to hear about yer left nut. That dog needs to be destroyed.

Yeah, you shoulda at least gotten a Corvette outa the deal. Lotsa guys here can just go buy one if they want it, but I can't. I'd give my left nut for a split-window coupe.

I wouldn't. I need my nuts.

That made me laugh harder than the OP nicely played.

I'd say that's one ballsy MFer, but I guess that would only be half right.

He's lucky he didn't go off half-cocked!

I did that once but used a nail gun. Healed right up. Gotta use galvanized.

On the serious side, years ago some kids playing in a city park near here found a couple slimy odd shaped things along the creek bank. They told their parents who took 1 look and called the police. They were a pair of human testicles. The police found the guy a few days later. He was screwed up in the head to say the least. He'd convinced himself that they were diseased and killing him so he cut them out himself. I can't imagine....

Back in about 1930, my Dad's "Ungle Bug" lived on a ranch out in New Mexico. At the time, it was a 1/2 day drive to any town, let alone a hospital, if you had a car which they didn;t. Well, Uncle Bug was repairing a sadle one day, working to poke a hole in a styup with an awl. He slipped and stabbed a testicle. It got all infected, so a few days later he sharpened his pocket knife, slit open his sack, and cut that testicle off! They say he about bled out.

Good God! I come from some tough stock.

Dad said he never saw Uncle Bug wear anything but coveralls. When he died, they bought him a new pair to be burried in.

That story was told many times around camp fires and such. They whole family knew the story of Uncle Bug.

When I die, I'll look for the old guy in the "Tough Sumbitches" section just inside the pearly gates. I believe he likely lives in the big mansion on the end the street.

That guy should have read the thread on superglue.


mike r

Uncle Bug only needed one. What you need two for?

Really? I've got a helluva lotta' seed to spread. I've been doing more than my part to rebuild the white population in this country.

Balance.