Well now that we've run down the hoarders, gougers, payday lenders, title lenders, and pawn brokers, who else belongs on the lowest of the low list?
I nominate Morticians.
You know the type. "Don't you think your loving grandma deserves a much nicer casket that that? Wouldn't you like one of the plots on the hillside with a better view? You'll feel bad if you don't give your father the full embalming. You have to buy a concrete vault if you want to bury him in this cemetery."

Necessary evil? Know any morticians?

Death is big business in America. It’s a huge ripoff to the American public. Those guys definitely play off of the emotions of those grieving the loss of their loved ones.

Personally, I'm an anti-Dentite.

I know that folks are just dying to see them.

Book
The American Way of Death.

Let's be honest, aren't most necrophiliacs?

If youve ever been around a decomp, and liked it, you're weird...

One of my best friend is a Mortician. Came up together duck hunting........ Not weird at all but no humor in him to be seen.....

Hahaha!

Sunsabitches!

I went to church with a Mortician when I was younger and still going to church. He was a happy, cheerful guy. His family lived upstairs in the mortuary building, his kids had the run of the place except for the morgue area.
I thought it was kind of wierd.

My son is supposed to dig a hole under my deer feeder in the backyard and throw me in it. The county coroner has to come out and verify that I'm dead and there's nothing suspicious about my death. The only catch is I need to be planted within 48 hours, hopefully I won't be bloated and stinking to bad.

As one of our former tenants said "Burn me!"
We did - he'd lived here for ~ 20 years, and told us we were his only family!

I wish that option was available to me. They kind of frown on backyard burials in Henderson.

I knew of a black funeral parlor here in town. Pimp lookin cat was the director, drove the hearse around like his own personal ghetto cruiser. Hooker’s Cremation and Mortuary.

His ‘prep man’ was an a other old creepy black guy that wore the old man Hooker’s older suits. The sleeves were so long, the you couldnt see the man’s hands. He apparently didnt have a driver’s license. See him out walking everywhere. We all called him “Reptile” haunched over, droopy baggy suit. Be 100 degrees, he’s be pounding the pavement 2-3 miles on his way to the funeral home.


The larger ‘white folks’ funeral home here has a retard that works the door. Has a head the size of a charleston watermelon. He gave renegade50 a handful of butterscotch candy one day.

Always wanted to party crash a funeral, they always have a big party platter of Jersey Mike’s mini subs or several buckets of fried chicken. No one knows anyone. Especially it its like some old guy that worked at TVA or Trane/American Standard. 300-400 people show up. Just blend in

My wifes urn sits on the mantel now and mine is in a gun safe waiting on me. It will be up to my son what he does after I am gone. If he would take us to the Keys a dump us in the water, that would be fine with me.

Many cemeteries require either a vault or a steel casket. It's because wood deteriorates and collapses, leaving a divot in the lawn that has to filled in later. It has nothing to do with preserving the body although some morticians might make use of the rule to sell a fancier box.

FWIW, everyone in my close family has opted for cremation.

Haha! The mortuary most of my family uses has candy dishes out in the visiting rooms. I guess sweets make the ordeal go down easier.
I'd prefer they had a wet bar available, but the drink prices would probably be steep.

Haha.

Paintin pictures with words.

A vault is required in our cemetery so that when digging we don't disturb the dead and move their bones around.

A real pain in the ass when your digging a grave and the one next to it cave and spews bones into the one you're digging.

"Lean me up beside the Jukebox, when I'm gone." My family knows, some ashes at Elk camp, the rest at fish camp! Grandson said, he hook me up to a leaf blower! For my last blow job! Smartass youngsters anyway!

Local urban legend has it that circa 1990 or so, a local man lost his wife. Coroner got done, but instead of calling the funeral home to come get her, the old man took her up into the Owyhee Mountains and took care of it himself.

The authorities could not find evidence of an obvious crime, and decided the issue did not deserve further pursuit.

A few years later, the old man died. And the kids tossed him in the back of a station wagon, and laid him down beside his wife.

Can not vouch for the veracity, but it has been a popular legend locally going on thirty years.

Most folks do not feel like price comparison shopping during the grieving process. So I would recommend, If you care for your heirs, or the chosen executor of your estate, get it done now.

When my Mother in Law passed last December, we called around the local well known and respected Mortuaries looking for the price of straight cremation, no service, no casket, no embalming. Just slide the remains into the furnace and put the ashes in a box.

Every place we called wanted $3500 to $4000. Then my wife's brother in law mentioned a local crematorium on the back side of Nampa Id. No Advertising, no fancy ornamentation, no chapel or stage. Just simply a very clean, well run business operated by caring and sympathetic folks. Total price out the door was $850 including three death certificates and transportation of the remains from the hospital to their facility. I think their limit was like 100 miles for that.

I am sorry. I guess I will never be a wealthy businessman. Because past history proves, if I were in the shoes of any of those first mortuaries, I would tell prospective clients "If that is what you want, I can not do it for less than a grand, but here is the phone number of a guy who can."

I have been known to walk away from several dirt cheap purchases. "Yes ma'am, I would love to have it. But it is worth far more than your asking price. I can not afford to pay what it is worth."

Closeout prices at Walmart do not count. LOL

Maybe that makes me to be the fool. But at least this fool can look himself in the face when it comes time to shave in the morning.

I can't remember the title but years ago I read a satire on the American way of death. The one thing I remember about it was when at a funeral, the mortician had the body propped up in a lawn chair smiling at the mourners.

Ive been in ‘that room’ several times.

I used to have a pesto control account that was a funeral home.

Big porcelain trough table about 3” deep to contain all the ‘goo and liquids’

The nastiest thing was a little rubber block that propped up the head for cosmetic work, it had the hair and body grime of a thousand souls embedded into the rubber.

One of these things in there to suck out all the juices and pump you back full of polysorbate80.

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Many funeral homes are owned by big corporations that own many funeral homes as well as cemeteries nowadays.

Friends of our oldest daughter back in high school dad was a mortician and owned his own funeral home, the families residence was on the second floor of the funeral home. Daughter spent the night at sleepovers there a few times. She said watching their kids was a real trip as they just walked around all through the mortuary like it was nothing. Daughter said they'd get all excited when they saw a new cadaver or two being prepared for a funeral service and start cheering and dancing around singing "yea, we can go shopping now!".

Place i worked at, had a big drain in the floor

Can’t imagine having to know what went down into that sewer

When you have a feeling it's getting time to go, there's a whole lot of desert around there. Pick a deep canyon and go for a walk. Put a note in the windshield saying you went the other way and hitched a ride to Searchlight.

It's what I might do around here. But I'll hitch a ride to Gerlach.

[Linked Image]

Read this book someday.

http://www.maryroach.net/stiff.html

I actually worked for a few years for a funeral home doing after hours "pick ups" and occasionally helping out at funeral services. One of the guys at the volunteer fire company I was a member of at the time was head funeral director of a large local home and knew I had dealt with plenty of death in the Corps and as an urban EMT and asked me if I wanted a part time job. Pay was pretty darn good, $100 for a private residence pick up, $75 for one from a hospital, nursing home etc. Not bad for an hour or 2 of time. We used a windowless white minivan as our "first call" pickup vehicle. Only thing that sucked was had to be onsite within an hour of receiving the call and dressed in a full suit/tie etc. To this day almost 20 years later its the only 2 suits i own lol. Also could pull a couple hundred bucks ushering and driving the limo or flower car for a funeral service.

To answer the post quoted above, yes the blood etc pumped out during the embalming process was drained right into the sewer.

4th Avenue Mortuary
~You stab em we slab em~
Afordable rates. Call now.
555 320 1234

My daughter-in-law worked at a mortuary for several years. One memorable situation was when the fire in the crematory furnace got out of control and burned the building down. It seems the fat on a 400+ pound client can really get going, and is virtually impossible to put out. All the fire department could do was hose down the surrounding buildings, and let the mortuary burn to the ground!

OK, that makes sense.

Graduated number one in my class, 1973, San Francisco College of Mortuary Science. My dad was a mortician, a brilliant mink trapper, jazz trumpet player, and semipro baseball player.. My grandpa was a mortician and the most terrific grandpa you could imagine. He was an embalmer 20 years before antibiotics and a true germ freak. My brother-in-law is a funeral director.

I must say, this is a pretty entertaining if not terribly informative thread. ;-{>8

If anyone would like to read a book that is an accurate depiction of the field, I'd suggest "The Undertaking" by Thomas Lynch.

Trust me, I'll be the last guy to let you down.

I have always said the worst used car salesman is better than the best funeral service manager.

I worked in a town where there was attempted murder, thievery and fraud going on with the mortuary. First they were burning 2 bodies at a time and mixing ashes. This went on for quite a while. We thought they were just burning the fatties. People would drive by and see a bunch of black smoke coming up and call 911. This mortuary was attempting a takeover of another mortuary 100 miles away and tried to poison that director after blackmail failed. It was interesting times.

Killer Beaz aka Truett S Beasley, singer, comedian, song writer, occasional Nashwellian. 😃

Doesnt say it in his Wiki page but I know it, he went to the John A Gupton School of Mortuary Science.

Hometown tidbits like all references to Wydeassnona Judd having her dogs’ vocal cords carved out cause she is a bitch

Pretty sure I read about that mess.

Some time back a husband and wife mortuary
was closed down in ft worth and they'd been
stacking bodies up like cordwood in a corner
of their funeral home. They obviously had been
doing some switcheroo corpse and ashes
substitutions to end up with extra corpses.
Might have had a spare parts business on the
side

I can tell you from recent experience to get
twice as much life insurance as you expect to
take for your loved ones to bury you with.

About a month before she died, my girlfriend had her back covered in lard.

After that, she went downhill fast.

Most of the folks in the villages are buried in wooden boxes put together by at least on case of beer.

In our county,

2 funeral homes.

One fo the white folks, one for the colored folks.

Not much price shopping. 😂

They are the last guys to let you down.

I would be happy too with 3 or 4 stiffs in the cooler at 12 grand a pop. Those guys never run out of work.

Worse than payday lenders in my book.

Dumbasses get themselves into the position of being broke.
And lenders are honest with what you get and what it costs.


Musicians take advantage of the bereaved, try to unwell, and most
have no idea what the get in a wood and metal box vs the cost.


$1000 dollars will buy a dam nice box at Costco.
They have never had a single complaint from a user.

That will be $5k plus at your local funeral home.

And, if you have your own, they probably won't let you use it.

Let's see,
Motel room for 2 days,
Two or three car rides, 100 miles 2 1/2 hours total.
$1k box
All for a low price of $10k or more.

Most homes here have two at a time, maybe 6 a week.

Not a job I'd want to do.

My 1st wife died of cancer on Christmas morning. I had to call hospice and they came out. They called the funeral home (all plans were made in advance) and they had to come out. Of course they were all dressed up like you said. I really felt bad having to call them out on Christmas morning but you have to play life as it comes.

Relatives run the mortuary in my home town and did exactly what my parents had written in their trust. Ours is crystal clear as well.

It's not just filling in a divot in the lawn they worry about. Lawn tractors/mowers/backhoes tend to fall into graves when rotting caskets collapse under the weight. This can be dangerous and damaging for both operators and equipment.

Dad had prepayed and left instructions with his chosen funeral home almost thirty years ago. But, it was not really prepayed. The money was deposited into CDs payable at the time of his death, in an amount suitable to pay for the services requested.

30 years later (6 months ago) the CDs had grown to a bit over $3000. But the cost of service had grown faster. One, the $300 fiberglass coffin was no longer in production. The least expensive replacement was aluminum at $1000. The price of the backhoe had increased from $50 to $500. ETC.

So the most basic, minimal service (as Dad requested) was about $2000 more than Dad had available in his accounts.

Somebody has to do it.

The Black community loves their casket bling...If they could, they’d add rims and hydraulic lifts to their caskets.

Serious money being made by morticians in da hoods.

😎

Dang musicians.

Always trying to make an extra buck of'n the dead folks relatives

Local funeral home, originally built, owned and operated by the mortician himself. He also later built, owned and operated a nursing home here. Over time he opened a couple more satellite funeral homes in small nearby towns.

In the mean time he got his auctioneer license and started an auction business as over the years he wound up owning a lot of real estate property of all kinds from private residences to multiple acreage farms, as well as household goods, farm machinery, passenger vehicles, tools, guns, etc., etc., taken or willed as payment from many nursing home patients and their funerals when they passed on.

He wound up as a patient in his own nursing home then his funeral home when he passed.

Why all this dissin' on Morticias?

Are neighbor is mortician. He a really nice person!

Well, there you have it!

Who shall we run down next, used car salesmen, HVAC repairmen, or TV evangelists?

Age 26, 1956...

JFC.....


What the fugg are they thinking .
Got him sitting right their in the main entrance way .

Folks going in with kids for service for a relative or friend and bam!!!

1st thing you see going in is a mid 30,s corkinstien in a 3 peice suit staring at ya .

JFC.....

Told the wife to burn me up at neal tarpley down the road.

Dont need corkenstein in his other role as Igor the burner helper poking my dead eyes with toothpicks for tard kicks.....


It's fugging unerving going in that place and the 1st person you see is severe downes syndrome face of the business right off the back.

JFC.....



He didnt give me no bag of butterscotch candies.
Lol!!!!

Just gave me that blank look .
Like dolls eyes.......

Street sweepers.

Dog Catchers

Meter readers (electric, gas, water and most importantly Parking )

Those dang flaggers on road crews that never acknowledge my waves..............especially the kinda cute female ones.

Shall I go on?

Yeah

It must be a western thing

Why do I gotta wait for a fat fugg in a ford truck with an orange blinkie light to escort me and a few fellow motorists thru a construction zone?

Around here they put out SIGNS and some cones and barrels and have a flag man.

Get up there and it’s 2 dudes painting a fire hydrant, 20ft off the edge of the road.

Crossing Guards! Those fuggers have had it coming for a long time. What do you mean, stopping me in the street? Bitsch, I was on my way to the Walmarks to get me some Doritos! Who gives a flying fug if it takes Crosseyed Sam the School Bus Driver five extra minutes to get his cargoload of retarded [bleep] out of George Floyd Memorial Elementary? Cool Ranch, Bitsch! Cool Ranch!

Smoking Hot!!!!