My daughter's maternal Grandmother passed on Saturday morning after a long battle with cancer. She was diagnosed almost a decade ago with what I believe was non-Hodgkin Lymphoma (I'm not really in the loop since the ex and I divorced). My daughter knew the situation and was prepared. Since she has been with her Mom, I have spoken to her a few times and she said she was ok, but was obviously sad.

I've told my daughter to know that she was loved by her grandmother and that her suffering had ended and she was with G-d. I also told her that I was here for her if she needed me. Unfortunately, (or not), I have been told by the ex to stay away and not attend the funeral and that my daughter would be with them - for how long, I don't know - but I will probably see my daughter mid-week or so. My primary reason for wanting to be there was to comfort my daughter and to pay my respects.

Any advice on what I can tell her to comfort her when next I see her? Thanks.

EDIT: My daughter is a very mature 10 yrs. old.

sounds like you got it covered.

Thanks.

I find the truth works best.

You will do the right thing automatically, for the benefit of your daughter. Although her grandmother will no longer be able to hold her and comfort her, your steady presence, even from afar, will help her understand

We know your heart. She will also. Better days are ahead and grandmother is no longer suffering.

Not all kids get the dad they deserve. This is a nice exception.

Hang in there. Prayers your way, if that helps.

We deaded up some Guinea pigs, parakeets, and a fish this past year and it's all pretty clear.


Fuucking adults that lie to kids should have their asses kicked.

Condolences

Tell her the truth. Don’t “protect” her, allow her to feel the emotions. Allow her to grieve. Be available to her. Everyone grieves differently but everyone grieves.

Teach her well now because death is an unfortunate and unavoidable consequence of life. The older you get the more you deal with it.

your ex is a [bleep] for not letting you be there.

Sounds like you got it covered. My daughter was 10 when my sister died from a brain aneurysm and 11 when her maternal grandfather died from kidney disease. She handled it well. Honesty is best, and regardless of your religious beliefs, kids need to believe that they are not completely gone.

Thanks fellers, for all your comments.

Yes, honesty and truth are paramount and I have certainly been honest with her. I just spoke to her a few minutes ago and she seems to be handling the situation well.

stx: Yep, the ex is a real piece of work sometimes. I'm much happier now that I'm divorced, much.

BorderDoc: Thanks, Bud.

Aces: Yep, I'm doing my best to teach her well, but I've had to dial back the political commentary, which causes her concern and a bit of angst. I've also had to try and gently counteract some of the stuff her mother teaches her, which I've not had a great deal of luck with, but I am working on it, just a bit at a time so as to not loose her attention. Thanks.

Just do it factually and reinforce your beliefs with her. My first wife died from cancer when my daughter was 10. THAT, above all else, was the worst part of her dying. We got though it. It was hardest I think, on my oldest son who was 23 at the time. Good luck and be sure and listen to your daughter and her concerns.

Will do, thanks.

Kevin, all you can do is be there for her.

Our purpose in life is to know, love and serve God so that we can be with Him forever in Heaven. God knows when we have done the best we can and are ready to be with Him.

in my experience, kids, even pretty young ones, understand the concept of death. No sense in sugar coating it.

Thanks, Mark. & Thanks Tyrone.

I haven't sugar-coated anything, or been dishonest in any way. I haven't seen my daughter since it happened, but I have spoken to her a few times. Like Mark said, at this point, all I can do is wait until she needs me. Hopefully I will see her later this week.

She's a bit concerned about her school work since she is already falling behind. I told her not to worry about her school work and that I would help her catch-up when she was ready. I also apprised her teachers of the situation.

We started our kids and grandkids from day one. Slowly introduced them to killing animals for food, their chickens, 4H pigs and lambs, FFA beef, pets get old and die, relatives and neighbors get old or sick and die. It was never dramatized, it was treated as a step in the cycle of life and accepted as inevitable.

Just 2 cents: there's a lot of power in admitting to children that there are some things we adults simply don't know.

Good luck, you seem to be on it.

Only thing I would add is that I would make sure she understands I would have been there had I been able. I think it's important that she understands that.

People come and people go.

Pain is a part of life.

Don't mention it when you see her. Let her bring it up.

IF she brings it up.

Tell her that as time goes by her pain will be less.You don’t get over the loss of a loved one, but you get past it (that’s true about a lot of things). You can tell her as long as she remembers her grandmother, she is still with her. Lost my mother young, it’s hard on a young person.

Very true and they don't seem so hung up on it
like some 'adults'.

How the child sees the adults cope with it
can be important... as often is the case
actions/example speak louder than words.

Dont deny them their grief and don't exacerbate it.


My 10 yr niece wanted to see grandpa in
the open casket, the mother thought it was
a bad idea.. I suggested take her and she did.
I took it that the mother was uncomfortable
with seeing a corpse, where my niece just
wanted to see her grandpa for the last time.
I thought it would be good for the closure
process in the long run.

Doesn’t sound like you need to do a whole lot if she is already there in the situation.

Just an extra long hug next chance.



My kids grew up around it, big ext family (in laws) someone was droppin off once a month. (I hate for it sound like that) lol. But between that and some other oldsters at our church, dang it’s like we are regulars at the funeral home. Us Baptists are sickos we feel the need drag children to funerals and body viewings. A gawk session.

I just enjoy the KFC and mini subs in the parlor room.

My nieces were 2 and 5 when my Mom died from cancer. They were very close and they handled it better than I would have ever thought. Be an escape for your daughter but talk about it if she wants to but there’s nothing you can say she hasn’t heard from 100 other people.

Sheeeeyit, you can't hardly explain it to adults.

When my daughter was 4, my wife's grandmother died. We were at the visitation. As we are filing past the coffin, I told my daughter that we were going to say bye bye to great Grandma. We get up to the coffin and darned if that kid didnt yell, Bye Bye, Great Grandma! I almost vaporlocked. Everyone laughed, it was ok.

High Noon you got it covered sounds like your daughter has more maturity than the ex. Mb

I like your 4 yo childs approach,
adults can get too morbid and keep up
silly pretences at funerals.

This is worth repeating. 👍

We did the same thing. When they wanted chickens we told them that they had to help butcher when the time came. Several months later they were reluctantly slitting throats and ripping feathers. 😂. We made quarts of soup and stock and they canned it after. Start to finish, real farm to table. Same with deer or elk. They butcher and process, snake and cure. Our children are the few I know of that had broken down a deer and processed ..... from jerky to pepperoni, by the time they were 10 they can do it themselves. I don’t recommend the same approach with grandma however. 😁

Thanks. I did tell her, via txt, that I was sorry I couldn't be there for her, but I didn't tell her why - not wanting to bad-mouth her mother, but I'm almost certain she knows the reason, however.

DITTO !!!!!

Taking the high road like you are is the right thing.

You and her will have plenty of opportunity later on down the road to talk about history. As she grows and matures, she will respect you for doing so.

Best wishes - it's never easy, is it.

This is exactly why I suggested to the ex that I wanted my daughter over here to get a break form it all - at least for a little while. My G-d, the women in that family wail like crazed Iranian women and I didn't want my daughter exposed to all that ridiculous behavior - it's simply not right and I don't want my daughter getting the idea that such behavior is acceptable.

Of course, the ex dismissed my concerns outright, just like she has done with everything I've ever suggested to her - only to later realize I was correct in my suggestions and assessments - each and ever time. Now I've got to once again counteract the ex and her shortsighted crazy beliefs, which my daughter has been exposed to.

And if that's not bad enough, I'm now dealing with the fallout of her mother's anti-gun, anti-outdoor, anti-fishing, anti-camping, pro-gay, pro-illegal immigration attitudes which have begun to rub off on my daughter. She no longer wants to go to the ranch or shoot the .22 anymore! ...and she now thinks "Mexican" is a bad word! Though, to her credit, she does vote Republican and calls herself a Conservative.

This all puts me into a very difficult situation. I cannot bad-mouth her mother too much at all, and I'm finding it difficult to explain things to her in a short and concise manner. She used to love doing all the things that I mentioned above, yet she has been spending more time with her mother and now, at 10 years old, she doesn't seem to want to hear any of it and she's beginning to pull away. For crying out loud, the ex thinks it's a good idea to send her back to school, where she'll be required to wear a mask 7-8 hrs/day! I told her that I'll be dammed if I will let those commie bastards turn my daughter into a good apparatchik.

Sorry - end of rant.

I've been divorced from my first wife for over thirty yrs, but we remained friends.

So the ex told me that in accordance with her Mother's wishes the funeral was just going to be held with the immediate family, 10-12 people max, and I was told by her not to attend.

I just spoke to my daughter. She said that the funeral was nice and she asked me if I watched it on Zoom. I told her that no one told me it was on Zoom. She said: "well the room was almost full anyway." I asked her why her mother told me only the immediate family was supposed to attend. She said: "Yeah, it would have been weird if you were there."

So the ex lied to me about her mother's final wishes, lied about only the immediate family attending and prevented me from being there to comfort my daughter and to pay my respects.

What a wonderful person she is.

Probably a lot harder to explain to kid why their parent is crazier than a [bleep] rat than why someone died. Sorry about your ex being crazy.

At a recent funeral for a Cajun podnah several of us were gathered around the coffee pot when one gent said, “well, he’s in a better place now I reckon “., to which another Cajun podnah said, “wasn’t nothing wrong with being right f’kn here”.

High Noon, as others have said, you’ve done it well. Sorry to hear about the relationship with the ex. That’s a difficult one for sure.

Yep. You make yer choices and you pay the price.

Amen.

I would not, over think it.


Did your daughter have any pets - goldfish, hamsters, mice, cats in their childhood?

I was 11 or 12 when I was called on to be a pall bearer for the funeral of a retarded boy who was the son of my parents good friends. He was downs syndrome and had been a mess from birth so it wasn't unexpected. That was at least 60 years ago but I don't remember any fear from it, probably because it was expected and I knew what it was all about.

Add: Yes. Many have died. She knows what death means/is. She's handling the current situation well.

People grieve in all sorts of ways and exposure
to such cultural spectales ain't necessarily wrong.
Maybe ask her what she thinks of it
rather than just forcing your opinion.
Who knows she might think it's silly,
not care either way, or not understand
it all.

I'll not say a word about it to her, unless she asks. And I'd never force my opinion on her.

I’d tell her your sorry for her loss and you will be there for her if she needs you. Bout all you can do

10 year olds don't grieve for long. Just say "hi" and that you showed up just to see her.

Grief and love are opposite sides of the same coin. Without love, there is no grief. It's a beautiful thing, but should not be dwelled upon, only appreciated when actually experienced.