Really, who farted?

Growing up in a family of 4 boys; we always said” FIRST SMELLER IS THE FELLA!” Dad was a long haul independent trucker and was always bringing home stuff. I remember a hundred pound burlap bag of white navy beans from a run to Boston (Boston Baked Beans ?). We created enuff natural gas
to make the EPA do an investigation.

Let me be the first…

When two people are riding in an elevator and one of them farts, both of them know who did it…..

Biden’s momma. Look at what showed up.

Wasn’t me😊

Here I sit so broken hearted,
Came to schidt but only _ _ _ _ _ _.

😁😂😂🤣🤣🤣💩🤢

It is said that the adult human passes gas 14 times a day. Here it is only 8:30am and I’ve all ready reached my quota…

The hit dog always hollers…

Or…

The dog did it.😁

What difference does it make ? Is knowing who farted gonna make it smell any better ?

If history really does repeat itself, it was probably me.

At least you know who to punch in the arm 😊

As horse people say "Hoof hearted".

Fart jokes may be funny, but eye jokes are cornea.

You smell it too?

He who smelt it dealt it.

Who farted?? What kind of a question is that?

Who didn't?

Your voice is different, but your breath’s the same!

Ice Melted!

Ah, the good old days running PT in the USARMY and passing gas........

Pull my finger

Variation is: "HE WHO SMELT IT, DEALT IT"

Which is quickly followed by "HE WHO MADE THE RHYME, DID THE CRIME"

My mother's cousin years ago was asked if he farted. He was probably 6 years old at the time. He said yes of course, you don't think I smell like that all the time do you?

Why yes, I *AM* easily amused. Why do you ask?

/John

Learned this from my 14 yo nephew.

Drop a silent one and say “i smell bacon”.
Any male of the species will immediately inhale at the thought of whiffing bacon.
Sit back and smile.

dog farts are the worst

girl farts are rare

My sister has her nose in the air, thinks her crap doesn't stink.

One day something stunk, I looked at my niece and ask, "Amanda did you fart".

Sister got on her high horse, "We don't use that language, WE say passed gas".

"Hell, It's not like I said Amanda, did you shìt your pants!"

My wife still laughs over that, It's been 20 years.



One day at work I had epic gas, volume and quality.
Walked back to a small room where one guy and a woman were working,
I stood outside the plastic curtains for a long time trying to get it to draw
inside without them knowing I was there. Just wouldn't happen.



Love to drop a good one alone in an elevator before i get off.
Then watch folks get on.

MUST
REMBER
THIS....

WSW gale blowing from the C-ville dump I presume. Good for 12344mag, bad for you.

Hold into the wind…or not.

I farted at a party and an angry man shouted, "Why did you fart in in front of my wife?"

I told him, "Sorry, I didn't know it was her turn."

Man, I’m crying 😂 Small minds are easily entertained. 😁

How to Fart in Public and Get Away with It

Flatulence is perfectly natural, but when it happens in public, you’d do anything to avoid the embarrassment. Whether they’re silent and deadly or loud and proud, here are the most dastardly ways to pass gas around others and slip away like a fart ninja.

Perfect Your Crop Dusting Technique

Crop dusting is the act of farting on the move. It might seem rude to fart and run, but it’s every man for himself in this world, and if you can get out of where you are quickly, you won’t have to deal with any of the aftermath. If you’re not stuck in a room with people, Erin Gloria Ryan at Jezebel suggests you release once you get walking:

"If you must fart and there’s no hope for private relief in sight, do so when you’re on the move. Don’t linger in the cloud or return to the scene of the crime. If you pass gas in your cubicle, immediately get up and leave your cubicle, lest your chattiest coworker decide that now’s a great time to have a talk and what is that smell? Is that Ukranian food? If you’re on the train, fart and then make your way to the other end of the car. Leave the gas, take the canoli. Farting is kind of like murder or organized crime in that way."

While you’re on the move, Ryan also recommends you use whatever you can to cover up the smell so it doesn’t follow you:

"You can try to mitigate the smell — for example, if you carry scented lotion in your purse, take it out right after you fart and start nonchalantly applying some to your hands. Nothing to see here. Just a lady passing gas and moisturizing..."

Perfume, cologne, deodorant, chapstick, gum, and even cigarettes (if you’re desperate) can help cover the smell up. It’s better to smell overwhelmingly like perfume than fart, right?

Depending on where you are, some places are better to crop dust than others. There are three types of ideal crop dusting locations: places that are private and blocked off, places that smell good, and places that smell bad. If you can steal away to an empty stairwell, you can fart without a care in the world. If you’re at the supermarket, you can take a stroll down the shampoo aisle, or browse the seafood section and break some wind. Areas around trash cans are also good targets because people expect them to stink already.

If you’re on a date, your crop dusting options can be pretty limited, but there are a couple go-tos. In the video above, YouTuber nigahiga recommends what he calls “the gentleman”: Open your date’s car door for them and let it all out while you make your way to your side of the car. If you don’t have an opportunity for that, there’s always the classic “delay”: Tell whoever you’re with to lead the way and follow behind, crop dusting out of harm’s way.

Win the Blame Game

If you can’t escape, you might have to blame someone else. The key is to keep your cool, fart as quietly as possible, and follow what P.J. Whitehill, the author of Catch That and Paint it Purple: A Complete Guide to Farting, calls “the rule of three or more.” The bigger the crowd you can find the better, but there must at least be three people in the area before you should even try pass off your fart as someone else’s. As Whitehill explains, however, you’re not exactly trying to prove someone else farted:

"You only need to create the aura of suspicion. Quite often, the protestations of the innocent party being blamed only make them look more guilty. If your patsy starts hanging themselves, just sit back and let them do your job for you."

To create such an environment, the folks at LovePanky suggest you should act disgusted, but wait for your cue:

...wait for others around you to sniff a little. Once you see they have their faces in disgust, it’s up to you to react too. This is your cue. Slowly, screw up your face and put your index and thumb finger up to your nostrils. This will show your disgust and will instantly prove your innocence...

As the saying goes, “whoever smelt it, dealt it.” So if you want to play it off like the smell is a surprise, do not be the first to point it out. Furthermore, you’re much more likely to succeed at passing the blame if you can stand near someone that others would assume to be the culprit. YouTuber The Amyzing Life Guide recommends standing near a baby or a small toddler before letting one rip. Just be sure they can’t talk, because as Alex Iwashyna at Late Enough explains, most young children have no problem acknowledging one’s flatulence or drawing attention to the smell in question. Other great patsies include senior citizens, dogs, or anyone dressed in filthy clothes. People tend to assume things, so use that to your advantage. Look around the area you’re in and ask yourself who you would assume is the farter, and go with them.

Sometimes you can’t keep your farts silent, however. In that situation, you have two options: own up to it, or blame it directly on your patsy. Blaming it on someone directly takes some courage, but if you say the right things and deliver it properly, your patsy will be getting defensive in no time. The video above, from the Howcast YouTube channel, uses the perfect example of a yoga class, where people unintentionally pass gas regularly. If you try to keep your fart silent and it ends up making noise, reach out to the person closest to you and say, “don’t worry about it, it happens to everyone,” then go back to what you were doing. Redditor tinkywinky86 gives another great example:

"This is a good one for the surprise fart that you had zero prep time for. It’s a tough one to pull off, because you must commit 100% to blaming the person you choose. Once you fart, turn without hesitation to the person closest to your back side and with a quick glare shout out “Really!!!???” If you act offended enough, you can pull this off."

The key is commitment and really believing what you’re saying. If you don’t think you can stick to your guns, you’re better off apologizing for your smell or saying nothing at all.

Save Your Elevator Farts for When the Doors Open

Elevators are by far the most difficult places to fart and not get caught. Everyone is cramped together, nobody is talking, and there is no air flow. That being said, there’s still a way to fart on the sly. The folks at Bubble News recommend one very simple rule: only fart when the door opens. During that time, three important things happen:

The elevator and doors make noise
People go out
New people come in

If you fart when the doors open, you can cover up the noise, and the blame could easily land on the jerk that farted and ran, or the jerk who waited until they were on the elevator. At that point, do what Jonathan Beck at Quora suggests, and remain silent to maintain plausible deniability. Everyone will suspect everyone, but no one will know for certain that it was you.

I farted so hard I knocked the wind out of me.

... George Carlin.

You’re killin’ me…😂

I smell popcorn

I think Honey HalfLab read this. If she farts when she is in the back seat, she immediately jumps in the front seat, aroma soon follows. And vise-versa.

She isn't trying to be subtle - just trying to escape it.

Even without farts, a crowded elevator smells different to a midget.

You've probably noticed - One has to hold their breath whilst exerting pressure to fart.

But that doesn't explain why other people hold their breath, when I fart?

Kind of a long story, but worth the read.

Okay, to be fair here, it wasn't technically me, it was my brother. Also this was years ago. However, this remains one of the most incredible mess-ups I have ever personally witnessed and I figured you guys might get a kick out of it.
To set the stage a bit: We're in Rhode Island in the 90s, and myself and my two younger brothers are the children of the children of Italian immigrants. We are descended from the kind of Stoic Catholicism you read about. Church is a solemn, Gothic affair with a lot of silence in between the call and response that makes up a normal Sunday service. Church is a Big Deal™ to my parents at the time, and you are not to mess around during it.
Knowing that, I have to wonder what got into my folks' heads when we went out to breakfast prior to Church and wound up at this small eatery in Wakefield called the Bluebird Cafe.
Going out for breakfast pre-church was rare, but for some reason the decision was made to have breakfast as a family and eschew our normal 9AM service for the one at 11AM instead. On top of that, this place has really good food, but it's also very heavy depending on what you order. The portions are also gargantuan, which our server warned us about when all three of us boys tried to individually order huevos rancheros, but we protested that we were totally old enough to eat an entire plate of this ourselves (bearing in mind I was thirteen, middle son was eleven, youngest was nine). Our parents acquiesced and we all got our individual plates of food.
The huevos rancheros at this place isn't, like, a tortilla with an egg on it, mind you. Oh no. It is a giant dinner-plate-sized flour patty with about three pounds of black beans on it, plus onions, a huge helping of grits, something like four eggs, an alarming amount of melted cheese, and copious hot sauce. One plate is enough to comfortably feed an average human for a day and a half.
I couldn't finish mine. Believe me I tried. Youngest son didn't even get halfway through.
Middle son ate the entire thing in about 45 seconds. He hoovered it up like it was going to get up and run away from him after a couple minutes. I'm sure, somewhere in the back of their heads, my parents could sense the brewing storm, but they said nothing at this point.
They did say something about an hour later as we were driving to church and my brother nonchalantly coughed a few times and then trumpet-blasted out an ungodly long fart in the back seat of the car. It had to have lifted him a foot in the air. I'm pretty sure his seatbelt locked because of it. It sounded like a dying goose put through a megaphone and ended with a pretty bad gurgling noise. He may well have [bleep] his pants at this point.
Naturally myself and the youngest brother instantly lose our minds and are howling with laughter while my increasingly-pissed dad is trying to find a parking spot. By that point the smell had ballooned into the entire cabin of the car and my mom was making gagging noises and frantically trying to get all the windows rolled down while the middle kid sat there grinning like an idiot and the other two of us were gasping for air because of fart smell/uncontrollable laughter. It smelled like a carcass in there for days afterwards. It was bad.
So we finally find a parking spot and my poor dad is trying to get us to take this whole church thing semi-seriously and all three of us have the worst case of the giggles we've had in years. He scolds my brother to not "be disgusting" in church or he's going to be "really angry" and it's "not funny" and finally he just gives up because this is falling on obviously deaf ears for the most part, so he just kind of grabs us all and collectively frog-marches us inside.
Okay so Catholics/Church goers out there: You guys all know that bit in the Lord's Prayer where it goes "the Kingdom and the Power and the Glory, forever and ever" and the entire congregation goes "Amen"?
So my brother needed to fart again. He'd been holding this in for the better part of an hour long service at this point, and clearly by about the 45-minute mark he'd come to the realization that I need to fart had become I'm going to fart. He was cognizant of my dad's dire warning to not do this, so in his head he concocted the brilliant plan to time his fart for the "Amen" part, hoping the sound of an entire packed room of people chanting a single syllable would be enough to mask the sound, if maybe not the smell.
So he went for it.
Problem is, he mistimed it by about a second and a half.
It wound up going like this:
Father: "For thine is the kingdom and the power and the glory, forever and ever." Everyone: "Amen"
beat of absolute, total silence
Ear-splitting, subwoofer-grade, bucket-of-chum-being-emptied-into-the-ocean five second long fart blast which echoed off the walls in the pindrop-silent room.
It was bad, you guys. It was bad. The smell hit an old lady behind us a few seconds later and she actually gave a sort of panicked grunt and clutched at her face, so there was this horrid fart sound then this poor old lady going "uuuggggh!" and reeling backwards into the pew as the smell of rotting kid fart assaulted her and everyone around her.
My brother is trying to pinch it off pretty desperately, which just makes it worse because it goes from this massive boom to sort of squeaking out like a duck before he finally manages to clench enough to keep it in.
As this is going on, picture three young boys all standing there 100% straight up with looks of absolute neutrality on their faces, because that was us trying unbelievably hard not to totally lose our [bleep] and laugh for the next six straight hours uncontrollably. While we were doing an admirable job of this, all our faces were beet red.
Worse, because my brother had pinched off a bit of fart, he was concentrating so hard on not launching into riotous laughter that his concentration would slip and a little squeak of a fart would slip out. This went on for the next thirty seconds or so, interrupting our poor priest as he tried to continue the sermon.
Every time he tried to finish a sentence you'd hear this little frrt and then a sort of quiet hrrnnng as we tried so, so hard not to laugh. All the while the swamp stench of digested egg was drifting around our pew, and entire families were trying to discretely shuffle away from us.
To my dad's credit, he didn't go ballistic on us when it was over. He just looked disappointed/relieved to be out of there. The three of us did not stop laughing until around dinner, and my dad just kind of gave up on the idea of having some kind of punishment and just decided we weren't going to go back to that church for a while.
It remains the single best farting-in-church thing that has ever happened.

My wife and I went to a funeral. We only knew the son of the deceased and son's wife.
The church was overly packed, but we barely found room in one pew and squeezed in.

My wife was seated next to a tiny old lady, and all during the service she passed gas.
Not my wife - but the old lady. Her farts were continuous and burned the eyes as
well as the nose. - The whole church was aware of a problem.

When leaving, I commented to my wife, how sorry I felt for that poor old lady
with the gas problem. My wife whirled around angrily saying, "I DON'T!"

I was shocked! I asked my wife how she could be so heartless as to some
poor lady who couldn't even help herself.

My wife retorted, "Couldn't Help Herself?" "That lady bent over, lifted a cheek,
glared at me eye to eye, and Blasted Away!'

"That Was No Accident." "THAT Was On Purpose!"

If the farter was Adam Schiff he'd still be emphatic it was the other guy.

I work in a refinery and am required to wear a 4 gas monitor. One thing it measures are LELs.

Quote

What is LEL, you may ask? LEL stands for “Lower Explosive Limit” and is the lowest concentration of a particular gas that has the potential to be flammable or combustible. In other words, it’s the minimum amount of gas that will catch fire or explode when an ignition source is present. If a gas concentration is less than the lower limit, there is insufficient gas for the mixture to ignite.

A couple weeks ago while sitting at my desk, I cut a large SBD (silent but deadly) and it set off my gas monitor in full alarm. Everyone in the office now knew what I had done.

I consider that as a high point in my now declining career.

I can always tell when a girl pussy-farts in a nudist colony. I read lips.

I’m laughing so hard I can hardly breathe 😂

Man I laughed until cried ,good story