just to groan. And before you attack me for these, remember that a good pun is its own reword.

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.


A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal brujo who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the brujo looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"


Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality, their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression; "He who has a Tates is lost!"


A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the lavatory equipment. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."


An Indian chief was feeling very sick, so he summoned the medicine man. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk hide and gave it to the chief, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how the chief was feeling. The chief shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on....



Luke and Obi-Wan are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal. Skillfully using his chopsticks, Obi-Wan deftly dishes himself a large portion of noodles into his bowl, then tops it off with some chicken and cashew nuts. All this is done with consummate ease you'd expect from a Jedi Master. Anyway, poor Luke is having a nightmare, using his chopsticks in both hands, dropping his food all over the table and eventually himself. Obi-Wan looks at Luke disapprovingly and says, "Use the forks, Luke."



I, too, once had a friend, Joe, who worked in the coal mines. Unfortunately, he was killed in a freak accident when some movers lost their grip on a grand piano they were transporting; the piano fell down the mine shaft and crushed Joe to death. A local composer wrote an orchestral piece in memory of Joe: It was called "Symphony in A Flat Miner."


This guy goes into a restaurant for a Christmas breakfast while in his home town for the holidays. After looking over the menu he says, "I'll just have the eggs benedict." His order comes a while later and it's served on a big, shiny hubcap. He asks the waiter, "What's with the hubcap?" The waiter sings, "There's no plate like chrome for the hollandaise!"



A neutron goes into a bar and asks the bartender, "How much for a beer?" The bartender replies, "For you, no charge."



Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentist's novocaine during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.


Mother Gnu was waiting for Papa Gnu as he came home for dinner one evening. "Our little boy was very bad today," she declared. "I want you to punish him." "Oh no," said Father Gnu. "I won't punish him. You'll have to learn to paddle your own gnu."


Three animals were having a huge argument over who was the best: The first, a hawk, claimed that because of his ability to fly, he could attack anything repeatedly from above, and his prey had nary a chance. The second, a lion, based his claim on his strength--none in the forest dared to challenge him. The third, a skunk, insisted he needed neither flight nor strength to frighten off any creature. As the trio debated the issue, a grizzly bear came along and swallowed them all: hawk, lion and stinker!


A certain man had a daughter who was...how do I say this tactfully... ugly. Well, in a desperate attempt to marry her off, this man found an available young gentleman by the name of Herz. He invited him over to supper and, with the promise of a large dowry, suggested Mr. Herz wink at the girl during the meal. Unfortunately, once he saw her, no amount of money would have coaxed him to bat his lashes....which just goes to show you: You can lead a Herz to daughter, but you can't make him wink.



The other day I decided to bake a cake and so, with my wife's permission, I got set to work in the kitchen. Then I discovered that we didn't have any butter, so I sent my dog to buy some. On the way, he passed a bookstore and, being intrigued by a display in the window, he went in and came home with a dog-eared book of poems. The point of my story is: Never send a literary dog to the grocery store because . . . he'll get verse before he gets butter!"


And finale...

One fine day in ancient Rome, Julius Caesar turned his attention to a problem plaguing his mighty empire: laundry. Getting all those white togas clean was a constant pain. He also had some weird ideas that if he could get the togas stiff enough, they would be like a light coat of armor... not enough to last through a sustained battle, but enough to ward off an assassin's arrow. He figured the easiest way to get this done on a large scale would be to dump a bunch of detergent into a tidal pool, and dump the toga's in afterwards. (This was two thousand years ago... the environmental movement was restricted to a few druids here and there). The gentle motion of the tides would wash the dirt out. Afterwards, all that would have to be done would be to throw some starch in, and then pull the toga's out to dry. He assigned this task to some of his scientists and engineers. They started executing his plan, and all was going well until they threw in the starch. The goddess of nature, angered at the environmental destruction, caused a huge tidal wave to spring up and wash over the assembled workers. A stiff breeze afterwards dried them off so quickly they were all frozen into place. After a little while, Caesar began to wonder about the progress of the enterprise, so he decided to visit the site with some of his advisors. Arriving at the tidal pool, he was unable to make heads or tails of the sight of his workers stuck standing there. Until of course, one of his advisors whispered to him: . . . "Beware, the tides of starch."

Absolutely awful! I loved them.

What a lot of work for a few puns!

There was once court jester that loved making puns. At some point the king, sick of his puns, sentenced him to be hung at the gallows. At the last minute the king softened his heart, and gave the jester a reprieve on the condition he never make another pun. When they took the noose off the jester's head, he rubbed his neck, and said, No noose, is good noose, so they hanged him!

Jim, you must have had the day off. Can’t you find something more constructive to do with your time? 😉

A long pun for a short slide.

🤩

A Russian scientist and a Czechoslovakian scientist had spent their lives studying the grizzly bear.

Each year they petitioned their respective governments to allow them to go to Yellowstone to study the bears. Finally their request was granted, and they immediately flew to Yellowstone.

They reported to the ranger station and were told that it was the grizzly mating season and it was too dangerous to go out and study the animals.

They pleaded that this was their only chance, and finally the ranger relented.

The Russian and the Czech were given portable phones and told to report in every day. For several days they called in, and then nothing was heard from the two scientists.

The rangers mounted a search party and found the camp completely ravaged, with no sign of the missing men. Following the trails of a male and a female bear, they finally caught up with the female. Fearing an international incident, they decided they must kill the animal to find out if she had eaten the scientist. They killed the female and opened the stomach to find the remains of the Russian.

One ranger turned to the other and said, " You know what this means, don't you?" The other ranger responded..

"I guess it means the Czech's in the male."

STOP_STOP_STOP!!!!!!!!!

A frog hops into a bank. He sees a sign that says "Loan Department", and he hops in. He locates an office marked "Patricia Track, Loan Officer". He hops up on a chair, and says, "I'd like to take out a loan."

Ms. Track smiled graciously, and said that she would be happy to help. "What's your name?" she asked. "I'm Kermit Jagger. You may have heard of my father, Mick. Lots of really weird stuff going on in those days."

The loan officer allowed that they would like to offer him a loan. "What is the purpose of your loan?" she asked.

Kermit said that he wanted to buy a boat for about $65,000.

"Very well," she said. "Do you have something to offer as collateral?"

"Well, I do." said Kermit, pulling out a purple ceramic elephant and placing it on the loan officers desk.

The loan officer was a little nonplussed by this, and excused herself to go show the elephant to the bank president, and ask his advice. After carefully listening to the whole tale, he said,

"It's a nick-nack Patty Track.
Give the frog a loan.
His old man's
A Rolling Stone."

Groan, groan, groan...............................Hahahahahahahaha.

All wonderful stuff. It takes a dull mind to not appreciate good puns.

Thanks for posting these. My old friend loves these. He is undergoing chemo for lung cancer and having a tough go of it. I will send him one of these a day to give him a little smile and let him know I"m here.

Thanks for telling me that. I just post these as a little R&R from the heavy political threads but would be honored to know they were bringing a smile to someone who really needs it.

I do appreciate them Jim especially that Far Side thread.

Some good laughs.

Ugh......

Love em, as does our daughter.

Now we need some Far Side cartoons.

Thanks to all, for the good entertainment. Nothing like a good pun, and all of these were good one’s! memtb

A Military lab has developed a pizza that boasts a shelf life of three years without being frozen, and now the Week has asked its readers to name this durable dish. Here’s what they came up with:
•Semper Pie
•The Lasting Supper
•In-dough-structible
•Pizza de Resistance
•DeFrigNo!
•Auld Lang Slice
•Eternal Piece
•Grandpapa John’s Pizza

A pizza with a 3 year shelf life would likely last longer AFTER you ate it than before.

One day he walks into a small village and sees a local sitting on his porch patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the villager "can I talk to your dog?"

Villager: "The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie."

Ventriloquist: "Hello dog, how's it going mate?"

Dog: "Doin' all right."

Villager: (look of extreme shock)

Ventriloquist: "Is this villager your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Dog: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food and takes me to the lake once a week to play."

Villager: (look of utter disbelief)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"

Villager: "Uh, the horse doesn't talk either....I think."

Ventriloquist: "Hey horse, how's it going?"

Horse: "Cool"

Villager: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: "Is this your owner?" (pointing at the villager)

Horse: "Yep"

Ventriloquist: "How does he treat you?"

Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the barn to protect me from the elements."

Villager: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: "Mind if I talk to your goat?"

Villager: (in a panic) "The goat's a liar!"

Friday groan redux. Go back to the top and work your way down.

This thread was so long ago I forgot most of these so they're not funny all over again, 'cause bad puns are how eye roll...

In German Prisoner-of-War camps, escapes were a a major problem, so they would try to break the prisoners’ spirits by making them do mindless things. In particular, they would make the prisoners stand in a line and all move their heads like a clock back and forth and say, ‘tick tock tick tock.’

Some prisoners, unable to escape or otherwise change their situation, chose a very subtle rebellion. They would do the head motions, but instead of ‘tick tock tick tock’, they would wait until the guards were further down the line and switch to ‘tick tick tick.’

None of the guards noticed this was going on for many months, until finally, a young lieutenant was caught ticking by a senior SS Captain walking behind the line.

The captain stopped the exercise, walked over, face-to-face with the young man, and said "Zo, you do not vish to comply, eh? Vell, don’t vorry, ve have vays of making you tock.’

I went to a dog show the other day. A Yorkie took Best in Show, a Jack Russell took second, and a Scotty took third. I’m starting to think the judges had some sort of All-Terrier motive.



A Horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, you’re in here a lot, are you an alcoholic?”

The horse ponders for a minute then responds “I don’t think I am.” And poof, he disappears.

This is where philosophy students start to snicker, as they’re familiar with Descartes’ famous postulate, “I think, therefore I am.”

But telling you that first would be putting Descartes before the horse.

Happy hour at the bar.



A bar was walked into by the passive voice.

An oxymoron walked into a bar, and the silence was deafening.

Two quotation marks walk into a “bar.”

A malapropism walks into a bar, looking for all intensive purposes like a wolf in cheap clothing, muttering epitaphs and casting dispersions on his magnificent other, who takes him for granite.

Hyperbole totally rips into this insane bar and absolutely destroys everything.

A question mark walks into a bar?

A non sequitur walks into a bar. In a strong wind, even turkeys can fly.

Papyrus and Comic Sans walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Get out — we don’t serve your type.”

A mixed metaphor walks into a bar, seeing the handwriting on the wall but hoping to nip it in the bud.

A comma splice walks into a bar, it has a drink and then leaves.

Three intransitive verbs walk into a bar. They sit. They converse. They depart.

A synonym strolls into a tavern.

At the end of the day, a cliché walks into a bar — fresh as a daisy, cute as a button, and sharp as a tack.

A run-on sentence walks into a bar it starts flirting. With a cute little sentence fragment.

Falling slowly, softly falling, the chiasmus collapses to the bar floor.

A figure of speech literally walks Into a bar and ends up getting figuratively hammered.

An allusion walks into a bar, despite the fact that alcohol is its Achilles heel.

The subjunctive would have walked into a bar, had it only known.

A misplaced modifier walks into a bar owned by a man with a glass eye named Ralph.

The past, present, and future walked into a bar. It was tense.

A dyslexic walks into a bra.

A verb walks into a bar, sees a beautiful noun, and suggests they conjugate. The noun declines.

An Oxford comma walks into a bar, where it spends the evening watching the television getting drunk and smoking cigars.

A simile walks into a bar, as parched as a desert.

A gerund and an infinitive walk into a bar, drinking to forget.

A hyphenated word and a non-hyphenated word walk into a bar and the bartender nearly chokes on the irony.

That was punney!

Well done, boys, well done!!

L.W.

Did you hear about the man who lost the ability to hear low and midrange frequencies? He was in a world of treble.


I took my ailing Iguana to the vet recently, and she prescribed him Viagra. Apparently, it’s designed to treat a reptile dysfunction.


Did you hear about the flat Earth believer who decided to walk west until he fell off? In the end he came around, and the only thing he had to fear was sphere itself.


One time, I went on a trip to visit a company and consult. I hoped they might send a limo and driver to the airport to get me. They sent a harlequin instead. It was a bit disappointing, but I guess it was still a nice jester.


Did you hear about the woman who started going to parties and joining new clubs after she made pesto? Yeah, she apparently she used extroversion olive oil by mistake.


Did you hear about the fork factory with inconsistent quality control? It was the best of tines, it was the worst of tines.


A bottle of Omega 3 Fatty Acids fell on my head yesterday at the store. Don’t worry, I only got super fish oil injuries.


I bought my friend an elephant for her room. She said “Thanks!”, I said “Don’t mention it.”


I was gonna tell a joke about Sodium, but then I thought, “Na”.


When I was young, I wanted to be a dolphin, but as I got older, my sense of porpoise faded away.


Why don’t chemists like puns? All the best ones argon.





Although I do sometimes make terrible puns, I think if you were to look at all the puns I make, the good would outweigh the bad, and it’d average out OK. Put differently, although I may make terrible jokes, I mean well.