I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People get out of the way much faster now.

Gone are the days when girls used to cook like their mothers. Now they drink like their fathers.

I didn’t make it to the gym today. That makes five years in a row.

I decided to stop calling the bathroom the “John” and renamed it the “Jim”. I feel so much better
saying I went to the "Jim" this morning.

Old age is coming at a really bad time.

When I was a child I thought “Nap Time” was a punishment. Now, as a grownup, it feels like a small vacation.

The biggest lie I tell myself is ”I don't need to write that down, I'll remember it."

I don’t have gray hair; I have "wisdom highlights"! I’m just very wise.

If God wanted me to touch my toes, He would’ve put them on my knees.

Last year I joined a support group for procrastinators. We haven’t met yet.

Why do I have to press one for English when you’re just going to transfer me to someone I can't understand anyway?

Of course I talk to myself. Sometimes I need expert advice.

At my age “Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

Actually, I'm not complaining because I am a Senager. (Senior teenager) I have everything that I wanted as a teenager, only 60 years later. I don’t have to go to school or work. I get an allowance every month. I have my own pad. I don’t have a curfew. I have a driver’s license and my own car.

The people I hang around with are not scared of getting pregnant. And I don’t have acne.

Life is great.



I have more friends I should send this to, but right now I can’t remember their names.



Now, I’m wondering: did I send this to you, or did you send it to me?

LOL

Good ones!

Love it...... I can really relate to most of that.

Your Christmas card list keeps getting shorter.

LOL!

Soooo true

One of the best things about the senior citizen/ retired thing is,

Midweek!

I can go fishing, hunting, to the gun range, riding on the UTV, shopping at Lowe's and Big R, or wherever I want to go, without fighting with the weekend crowd!

isn't it strange how the world has been set-up for five days of work, two days of recreation of whatever type, then back to work?

i've often deer hunted in the middle of the week, to have the woods to myself. no tellin' if the deer were moving more then.

it's like the work a day world is in a ritual of sorts. all one has to do is play the role. the paycheck is on friday.

now that i'm retired, sometimes the grass is high, sometimes it's mowed close. doesn't much matter.

Have a friend who was, I think, a chemical engineer. He is retired now and spends his time turning beer, wine and whiskey into urine.

Eat til I'm tired.
Sleep til I'm hungry.
Repeat.
Life is good.

LOL

Getting old ain’t for sissies

Excellent and pretty true!!!

I'm 45 and life is great. I love my God, my wife, my kids and my job. I may retire some day, Lord willing, but for now work is a lot of fun.

Rules of Senior Life

Never waste a hard-on
Never pass a bathroom
Never trust a fart

Guidelines

Never run when you can walk
Never walk when you can ride
Never step over things you can go around
If it looks heavy, get someone else to pick it up
Don't buy groceries on Wednesday's [ SSA checks come out then and the stores are full of the Walking Dead]

fubarguy,

May I add another??: FIND & MARRY a beautiful "trophy wife", who actually LOVES you beyond measure & accepts you as you ARE, as I did.

yours, tex

Very Good.....Very Accurate! A “Thumbs Up”! memtb

An octogenarian couple was watching a risque show on TV. Suddenly the husband pointed at his crotch and said, Hey, look at this! The wife said 'lets go have a party...NOW'. So, they headed off to the bedroom. An hour later, they silently came back to the living room and went back to watching TV. Pretty soon, he said 'It wasn't much of a party, was it'. She said 'It never is much of a party when no body comes. '

Life 'working for the man' was never a fulfilling endeavor for me, even though I was very successful. I'd like to add that you should always remember to 'work to live' and never 'live to work'. No one is going to say on their death bed, "I wish I would have worked longer hrs or retired later."

Excellent

That is good advice. I’m gonna print that out.

If you shop, golf, fish, or simply drive around on any Monday through Friday, the only people you'll see are in your age group.

When you're enjoying your second or third cup of coffee, and you see all those cars racing madly down the street, you know they're driven by people on their way to work. And you just grin...

Most days, you manage to dress before 10 a.m. -- but not always. Robe and pajamas are a lifestyle, too.

It's been several decades since you've been "carded."

On the other hand, a "date" is actually a doctor's appointment - and you have one a week. The drugs you pop are prescription, and you pop quite a few. You used to carry a condom in your wallet just in case, now it's a couple hearing aid batteries. Your cool shades are bifocals. The last time you undressed for a strange woman, she was your dermatologist.

RockyRaab,

Fwiw, I was "carded" just 2 weeks ago to buy a case of beer & I'm 72YY. =====> Certain of the retail merchants in SA have EMPTY heads & NO commonsense whatever.

Also, an old friend of mine, who was a Chief Bosun's Mate, USNR, in the KOREAN WAR, was denied buying cigars about 6 months ago in Fairfax County, VA because he has NO driver's license & couldn't PROVE that he's over 21YO. = Chief Henry is now 84YO & LEGALLY BLIND & couldn't get a DL if he wanted one.

yours, tex