Come on guys let’s see what y’all have
Harder than a woodpeckers lips!
Colder than a witches tits in a brass bra!
You can paint a buzzard yellow and it still ain’t a damn canary!
As heavy as a dead Baptist preacher!
Sticker than a harrow at midnight.
It’s rainin’ like a cow peein’ on a flat rock.
"If his brain was gasoline it wouldn't run a pizz ant's motor scooter halfway around a BB!"
Chiteree I have a buncha of em, use em alla time, that's what common language is for, phuggabunch proper BS, in everyday life
Here is a pissing on a rock
Flatter than pissing on a rock
Im sure this one will raise a brow
It’s raining pitchforks and ni66a babies!!!
"He's about as sharp as a sack of bowling balls!"
A couple of my favorites -
"You can't help those who won't help themselves"
"Can't never got anything done"
drover
If brains was dynamite you couldn’t blow your damn nose.
Shines like a dime in a goat's a$$.
"He's about as sharp as a sack of bowling balls!"
A foghorn leghorn classic!!
That ditch is tit high on a tall woman
Love is an abscess that most often starts in your head and burst in your ass.
Harder than a payday dick.
One of momma’s favs
Well pee or get off the pot!
Harder than times in 1929.
Harder than a wedding Richard.
If his brains was gunpowder he couldn't load a 22.
Slicker than snot on a door knob.
Colder than a well diggers ass in the Klondike.
As scarce as hens teeth.
Colder than a dead Eskimo
Hotter than a two dollar pistol
If A$$HOLES could fly, this place would be an airport
Higher than a giraffes pecker
You think your schhit don't stink. but the smell gives it away.
Lynn
Triumpf is 50% TRY 50% Umpf,,,,
If ignorance is bliss, your the happiest damn person I know.
Lynn
he's not worth the powder to blow him to hell
juice ait worth the squeeze.
dummer than a bag of hammers
busier that a one armed paper hanger
when the schit hits the fan
i gotta pi ss like a race horse
Good enough for who its for
Hold em down so I can jaggof in their ear and shoot em some brains
Finer than frog fur.
Slicker ‘n owl schidt
Busy as a one-legged man in an azz kickin’ contest.
Tighter than an ugly nun.
Close enough for government work.
She’s got no one to blame: she done greased her own dance floor.
FC
Even a blind squirrel finds a nut now and then.
Guy at work smashed a finger.
Asked him later how it was feeling.
Said it was throbbing like a honeymoon pecker
Colder than a tin toilet in an igloo, so cold my fire froze, mosquitos so big they could stand flat footed and phug an ostrich. Axle deep to a ferris wheel, Azzhole deep to a tall giraffe.
Join the army and learn a trade.
mike r
Slick as a minnow’s peter
Soft as a catfish belly
Cute as a cold sore
Sharper than a serpent’s tooth
Do as I say not as I do
I ain’t a camel I drink often
Finer than frog fur.
Tighter than an ugly nun.
FC
Gonna have to work that one in
You've just gotta hold your mouth right
No good deed goes unpunished.
Blacker than my ex-wife's heart...
Can’t make chicken salad out of chicken [bleep]
If you ain't Cav, you ain't chitt.
Tighter than Dick’s hatband.
Uglier than my left foot.
(My left foot got smashed as a kid by a large steer, and has drifted off course over the decades).
There's a fine line between being hard and being stupid.
You got your head up your fourth point of contact.
Good enough for government work.
Im sure this one will raise a brow
It’s raining pitchforks and ni66a babies!!!
Hey now, that was mom's saying!
Dad would say" if I wanted your opinion, I'd issue you one".
He couldn’t poor piss out of a boot with directions on the bottom.
Rare as rocking horse schhitt
Not a piss fetish
Don’t piss down my neck and tell me it’s raining
Flat as piss on a plate
Raining as hard as a cow pissing on a flat rock
Tighter than a frogs ass
Worthless as wings on a penguin
frozen harder than chinese algebra
too broke to pay attention
darker than three feet up a bulls butt
useless as tit s on a bull
All you big bastards stand up and small ones bunch up!
As useless as tits on a boar
frozen harder than chinese algebra
too broke to pay attention
darker than three feet up a bulls butt
Oh, there you are, Sickermore. I thot fer shore you must have been tied up at work this evening.
Trump had the SOTU. I'm sorry you evidently must have missed it. Darn. I was expecting a post from you reporting how you thought the POTUS did or maybe perhaps what you thought of your bud, Piglosi's performance.
Can you not give us your astute thoughts on the SOTU this evening?
- get your a$$ behind ya!
- he/she had a face only his/her mother could love
- "Can't fix stupid" - Forrest Gump
As hard as a hore’s heart
He's half a bubble off center
His ducks don't line up in a row
Good Lord said brains he thought he said trains and said don't worry I'll get the next one
Uglier than a mud fence in the rain.
If she had to haul ass she'd have to make two trips.
Has a face that would stop a clock.
Nervous as a $3 whore in church with a $10 customer waiting outside.
Half a bubble off of plumb.
Elevator doesn't go all the way to the top.
Has the chance of a snowflake in hell.
So flat you can watch the dog leave for 3 days
She's big enough to burn diesel
Uglier than a mud fence.
Looks like she was weaned on a pickle (ugly as)
Colder than a Mother-in-Law's kiss.
Dumb as a bag of hair.
They have to run around in the shower to get wet.(so skinny)
So ugly they could turn Amtrak up a gravel road.
They could eat corn on the cob through a picket fence. (buck teeth)
Harder than Chinese arithmetic.
Looks like a bag of antlers (skinny)
Looks like 10 lbs of taters in a 5 lb sack. (fat with clothes too tight)
Nervous as a long tailed cat in a room full of rocking chairs.
Lower than snake sh## in a wagon rut.
Useless as a windshield wiper on a duck's butt!
If somebody told her to "Haul azz" she'd have to make two trips!
A couple of cans short of a six pack!
He's so lowdown he could walk under a snake's belly wearing a top hat!
Can't turn chicken [bleep] into chicken salad.
Lower than a snakes belly in a wagon rut.
When you come to a fork in the road . . . take it (thanks to Yogi Berra).
Life is just a series of choices.
It ain't braggin' if you can do it. (Dizzy Dean)
Ass deep on a nine foot Indian
Busier than a one legged man in an ass kicking contest
The road to hell is paved with good intentions.
tighter than a bull's ass in flytime
"Blacker than a raven's throat at midnight."
"Just 'cause your cat has her kittens in the oven doesn't make them biscuits."
L.W..
One that was told to me as a teen quite a bit: "Play stupid games, win stupid prizes"
Familiarity breeds contempt
Leanin' toward Fishers.
Cattywampus.
So high you couldn't get a greased BB up his ass.
Anything will come if you play with it long enough. (Putting something together or taking it apart)
Run like a scalded dog. Raped ape...
Can't be smart...
Better be tough!
Wrap it before you tap it.
If it ain't with 50 cents, don't do it. (Dad to me on Richards Raincoats)
Don't sleep with something you wouldn't want to eat breakfast with.
(Another one from Dad)
It takes a lot of nails to build a crib. Only 1 screw to fill it.
I'm starting to see a pattern.
Why did those old folk tell me some of these?
That cheapskate is tighter than two coats of paint.
Son of a sawed off sack of Siberian Sheep snot.
Shakin like a dog passin a peach seed
Tighter than a bullfrogs azz.
Hungry enough to eat the north end of a south bound skunk.
Uglier than a bag of smashed azzholes.
What's cold, hard, black and juicy ? A woman heart.
I’m happy as a puppy with two peters.
Or, happy as a dead pig in the sun.
But sometimes I get as confused as a blind queer at a weenie roast.
Slicker than two eels f’in in a barrel of snot
Snowin' like a bastid... Even a blind squirrel finds an acorn at times.. When ya got the bux - ya get the babes...
Said when I’m astonished: We’ll butter my butt and call me a biscuit!
Don't kick a 3-legged dog for running slow.
Busier than a cat trying to cover crap on a hot tin roof.
My grandpa talking about somebody,
" so bow legged he couldn't head a hog in ditch"
Handier than a pocket on a shirt.
Blacker than a stack of black cats at midnight.
Harder than a bull's horn
Triumpf is 50% TRY 50% Umpf,,,,
You want triumph? Here it is....TR
IUMP
H
Six of one, half a dozen of the other. As broad as it is long.
Like sticking a wet noodle up a wild cat's ass
Tighter than an nun's cµnt
Couldn't hit the broad side of a barn while standing inside
Busier than a one legged man at an ass kicking party
Colder than a witches titty.
He ain’t the sharpest knife in the drawer
She ain’t the brightest bulb on the Christmas tree.
She is so dam ugly, she would make a freight train take a dirt road.
Love you like a fat kid loves cake
Sweatin like a mennonite doing math
I got a crap on deck that would choke a donkey
She is so ugly, she make a blind man cshit a white blackbird
That’s as hard as a preachers dick
Shît flows downhill, payday’s on Friday
What in the Sam Hill are you doing?
Don’t sweat on their time, don’t take a shît on yours.
Your cshits our business!
Get out of the way and let him enjoy the consequences of his actions.
I’m gonna hit you so hard, by the time you stop rolling, your clothes will be out of style!
I’m gonna hit you so hard and fast, you gonna think I’m in your pocket.
Where there is a will, there’s a way!
My give a fuuck is done broke!
He can shuck corn through a picket fence with those teeth!
I don’t give a flying fuuck!
I got so much soul, I’m outa control!
Poor planning on your part does not constitute an emergency on my part.
If? If a frog had wings he wouldn't bump his ass when he landed.
We? You got a mouse in your pocket?
Do sweat the petty things, just pet the sweaty things.
You can take the monkey out of the jungle but you can’t take the jungle out of the monkey!
Cleaned that up a little
Life is a highway, but love is a bumpy road!
Life's hard....it's harder when you're stupid
A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn no other way......Mark Twain (I think)
I got so much class, it runs out my ass!!!
If I had a long dick or money I’d be somebody
The lord gives, the lord takes away!
It’s better to be lucky than good any fuucking day!!
That’s my favorite !!
Life is like a box of chocolates, you never know what your gonna get.
That boy is meaner than a snake!
I learned him everything I know and he still don’t know nothin!!!
Buck720: The innocuous statement I find myself making the most over the last 22 years (since I retired!) is "what price range is this"!
Another of my favorite things to say when fussing around Hunting camp or fixing/moving things at a "Colony Varmint stand" is "this is temporary".
I no longer speak politely to demonrats and of late I find myself replying to them thusly: "you are full of bullshit"!
Hold into the wind
VarmintGuy
"Don't burn your bridges..."
"Don't count your chickens before they hatch"
"Too many irons in the fire"
You wanna play, you gotta pay.
He’s got more money than sense!
Here are a few my Dad used to say...
That just makes my azz want a dip of snuff!
I had my azzhole skin grafted to my eyelids and it gave me a shiddy outlook on life...
shaking like a dog shidding a peach seed!
She's so uptight you couldn't drive a flax seed up her azz with a sledgehammer....
I strained so hard lifting that you could cut donuts off my azzhole…
he got the [bleep] so bad he could crap through the eye of needle at 30ft..
He was drunk as a peach orchard boar hog...
She had a face as long as three rainy days...
He had a penis the size of a $20 roll of nickles…
That smells like a fat woman fanning her skirts...
I better stop there or I'm going to get in trouble...lol
You have more excuses than Carter had pills.
My grandmother used to say that!
Not all who wander are lost.
I’m loose as a goose today!
Turn your mouth off and your ears on!
Wifey got pissed the first time I told her that!
Hornier than a 10 peckered billy goat.
Crookeder than a dogs hind leg, he'd steal the pennies off a dead man's eyes.
even a blind nut finds a squirrel sometimes
Not all who wander are lost.
like my guide said: We not lost, we here (pointing at ground). Trail lost....
Hornier than a horny toad!
I’ll make him an offer he can’t refuse!
"He's so crooked they'll have to screw him into his grave when he dies!"
The Lord gave you one mouth and two ears- - - -listen twice as much as you talk!
If bull chit sold for a nickel a pound he'd be a millionaire!
He could go into the fertilizer business and supply his own merchandise!
"Come and talk to my garden- - - - -I'll save a fortune on fertilizer!"
When in doubt, whip it out!!!
Not worth shootin if you wanted to unload your gun.
He's got more guts than you can hang on a fence.
If you have a problem with everybody, everybody is probably not the problem.
But Dad, I'm trying. Yes son, you are. (my Dad used that one frequently on me as a kid)
That's my boy, strong as an ox and every bit as smart.
He is older than dirt.
He is old as the hills.
You are so full of schit..it's dribbling out your lips.
Well,,,if that's the best that you can do, it'll have to do.
It’s like looking for a needle in a haystack
like shiet through a tin horn
Like shiet through a Christmas goose
Id crawl thu a mile of broken glass ...to see her thu a tinted shower curtain
I was so embarrassed, I could have sat on a dime and dangled my feet!
I could chit through a screen door at 40 paces and not touch a wire!
I'm so hungry, I could eat the ass out of a menstruating skunk!
I'd drag my balls through a mile of busted beer bottles just to eat the peanuts out of her chit!
(That one is pretty nasty) haha
I don’t call you son because your bright.
Paddler, a mental midget
Dimbulb
What a horse’s azz
If I call you a retard, I’d be insulting the retards.
We have to pass the bill to see what’s in it, (see #3&5) above for what best describes who said this.
Harder than a whores heart
She got more problems than a pregnant nun
He's so slow, it takes him an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes
Stuff dad used to say:
Dumber than a box of rocks.
Slicker that snot on a brass hand rail.
Slower than molasses in January.
Slicker than Owl crap.
Rougher than a cob.
Got 2 brain cells and they're fighting.
" IF?" If a bullfrog had wings he wouldn't bump his azz every time he landed.
Homely as a mud fence.
Slicker than snot on a door knob.
Dumber than the average rock.
If all else fails, read the directions.
She's ugly enough to stop a freight train.
He's dumber than a thimble full of owl schit.
Gayer than a bag of dicks.
Dumber than a football bat.
If she'll fug you, she'd fug anyone!
or If she will fug ME on the first date, she would fug anyone. (Not that there is anything wrong with that, just don't fall in love with her.)
If she will leave him for you, she will leave you for the next one.
Raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock.
It’s fixing to come a turd floater!
I'll take slumlord's "runs downhill, payday on Friday" one step further my plumber/pipefitter dad taught me................Always wash your hands before lunch.
Said to you by a friend when he notices you looking at a gal that's out of your league.
"That gal's got so much class she probably gets out of the shower to pee."
"Thought" as when some ones says... "But I thought"..............answer= "Yeah, he thought he farted but he scheidt his pants."
Boomers will understand:
"That information and a dime will get you a phone call"
My parent's age group: "That information and a nickel will get you a glass of beer"
And, as my Mexican foreman used to say in the bakery when we got it just right:
"Perfect, just like my verga"
Geno
It's darker than ten feet up a bull's ass
Old timer at work told me this one and I've been using it a lot lately:
If you're looking for sympathy, try the dictionary
right there between schitt and syphilis
'The Best Way To Get Rid Of A Temptation Is To Yield To It'
Colder than a well diggers ass in Alaska
"If Uncle Sam thought you needed a wife, he would have issued you one!"
Sober up a horse thief and what do you have? A sober horse thief.
Hope I didn't overlook this one on someone else's post,
Can't squeeze blood from a turnip.
A leopard can't change its spots.
Geno
Toes forward is better that toes upwards.
As welcome as a turd in the punch bowl
Nothing good happens after midnight
Hit you so hard your grandma's dentures will fly out
Taste so good you’ll slap yo mama
Hey watch this, hold my beer
Boy I’ll tell you what
My back teeth are floatin’
if she was a whore I'd be broke.
like bein' in a whorehouse with someone elses credit card.
happier than a retard in a bouncy ball pit
Free the turtles (which is what retards might do in a bouncy ball pit)
Harder than the back of God's head!
The road to happiness is paved with realistic expectations
An old toast:
To wine women and dice
crabs syphilis and lice
I've had'm all by Jesus Christ
gentlemen- to the queen
Guys I have heard a lot of new stuff that I have never heard before keep it coming!
If my aunt had balls she would be my uncle!
That’s finer than frog hair
If your brains were cotton you couldn’t make a Kotex for a pissant. Ed k
You can't make a silk purse out of a sow's ear
Hotter’n two rats fuggin in a wool sock.
Prettier than a new set of mud tires.
Her ass looks like two pigs fightin in a sack
I used to sit in a local tobacconist's shop and smoke a cigar while I graded papers. I was there when I heard this one: "My pecker used to get so hard a cat couldn't scratch it."
She’s built like a brick s#it house
Does the Tin Man have a sheet metal c@ck
Old one.
If she smokes, she pokes.
If she had as many pricks sticking out of her as she has had in her she would look like a porcupine
from AR...wouldn't p*** in his/her ass if their guts were on fire.
$20! I wouldn’t pay $20 to see an ant eat a bail of hay!
He's not very good but he sure is slow.
He does it nice cause he does it twice.
Quality takes time .....but not that much time.
Just cause we're here all day doesn't mean it should take all day.
My dick is so hard, it would scratch diamonds!
If a frog had wings, he wouldn’t bump his butt when he jumps.
Here’s a dime, go call somebody that gives a $hit..
$hit in one hand and wish in the other and see which one fills up first.
No such thing as a free lunch. Used to be a favorite Top Gun saying in dealing with energy management (altitude or airspeed).
When speaking of a head-on, first pass in ACM (especially in an F-4).....If you ain’t mach at the pass, you ain’t $hit.
Don’t worry about the mule. Load the wagon.
When measuring very accurately...right down to the gnat’s butt.
Nuttier than an outhouse on a peanut farm
It’ll make your babies come out naked
He’ll give you lots of input but you can’t get any output
Hit him so hard his kids were born with stars in their eyes
Madder than a gut-shot grizzly.
Harder than a hammered cat turd
If I had a face like that I'd shave my ass and walk backwards
A face that only a mother could love
About as handsome as the south end of a north bound mule
She's so fine I'd swim through an ocean of gasoline with a blow torch in my mouth just to kiss the head of the pecker of the guy that flocked her in the ass last night.......
Sailors and salt water can screw up anything.
I am full as a tick
Aim small, miss small
There's a lot of room around 'em
Aim small, miss small
There's a lot of room around 'em
That reminded of one over a urinal.
Stand close..............it's smaller than you think.
Geno
Your a legend in your on mind!
"A small leak will sink a great ship" Ben Franklin
A running horse never plowed a field.
Uglier than a mudhen.
A farting horse will never tire, a farting man is the man to hire.
Tighter than a bull's ass in fly time.
Fits like a fist in the eye.
It's not the hole that rots, it's the post.
Viagra: Like putting a new flagpole on a condemned building.
Heard in Canada offering the Indian guide water, "Beer good enough."
Fûck, Fight or hold the Light.
Lots of favorites. Least favorite is "You can't eat them horns."
Well, just fuuck me to tears
When you lay down with the dogs, you get up with the fleas.
And from my sweet grandmother: "I wouldn't give him air if he was in a jug"
Does Raggedy Ann have a Cotton Crotch
My sig line: "You can no more tell someone how to do something you've never done, than you can come back from somewhere you've never been..."
From my Grandpa: "Ringier than a pet coon"
As in: that goofy mother fu(k<r is "ringier than a pet coon"
From my mentor:
Dayum, it's colder out there than a (unt full of cracked ice!!!
Colder than a well digger's ass! - James Quick
Line up ass hole to belly button. - Marine DI
She's so ugly the sun refuses to shine. - Clarence Lucky
Old blind sow finds an acorn now and then.
Using a condom is like taking a shower with a raincoat on - Lynn Quick
Cuter than a bug's ear. - Foreman Scotty
"It is difficult to get a man to understand something when his job depends on his not understanding it." - Upton Sinclair
Don’t matter where your at there you are
Drop your cocks and grab your socks.
Dumber than dumb, and that's pretty dumb.
Lick me.
Doing a good job around here is like pissin on yourself with a pair of dark pants on. Gives you a temporary nice warm feeling but no one else even notices.
My neighbor friend from boyhood would say, "might as well, cant dance".
Last winter we had a couple mornings around -20 F. The old airport bum told me "at least the mosquitoes ain't bad".
I can’t sing, can’t dance, bet I can whip yo ass!
Sun shines on the dogs backside every now and then.
Look with your eyes not your brain.
If it doesn't smell fresh don't eat it!
Looks like a rooster's butt at poke berry time. - Bright red lipstick
Want in one hand and crap in the other and see which fills first.
He's so tight you could stick a lump of coal up his azz and two days later have a diamond.
If you can't see the serial number you're too young. - condoms