Current politicians have slipped. But we all know people these can be applied to.

A member of Parliament to Disraeli:

"Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”

"That depends, Sir, " said Disraeli,

"whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

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"He had delusions of adequacy ."

-Walter Kerr

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"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire."

- Winston Churchill

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"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure."

-Clarence Darrow

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"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary."

-William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)

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"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it."

-Moses Hadas

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"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it."

-Mark Twain

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"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends."

-Oscar Wilde

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"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one."

-George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill

"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second... if there is one."

-Winston Churchill, in response

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"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here."

-Stephen Bishop

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"He is a self-made man and worships his creator."

-John Bright

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"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial."

-Irvin S. Cobb

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"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others."

-Samuel Johnson

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"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up."

- Paul Keating

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"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily."

-Charles, Count Talleyrand

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"He loves nature , in spite of what it did to him."

-Forrest Tucker

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"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?"

-Mark Twain

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"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork."

-Mae West

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"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go."

-Oscar Wilde

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"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination."

-Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

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"He has Van Gogh's ear for music."

-Billy Wilder

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"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it."

-Groucho Marx

Very nice.

He might be one of Bristoe's ancestors.

Any insult is better if not directed at you.

Well done, LAS. It was a better time. Basic decency and at least a modicum of intelligence, combined with a primary command of the English language.

Some good stuff there.

The third from last bears an astounding likeness to the Left......

knave, a rascal, an eater of broken meats; a base, proud, shallow, beggarly, three-suited, hundred-pound, filthy, worsted-stocking knave; a lily-livered, action-taking knave; a whoreson, glass-gazing, super-serviceable finical rogue; one-trunk-inheriting slave; one that wouldst be a bawd in way of good service; and art nothing but the composition of a knave, beggar, coward, pander, and the son and heir of a mongrel bitch; one whom I will beat into clamorous whining if thou deniest the least syllable of thy addition.

Buggerer

Simple, yet effective.

Claire Booth Luce to Dorothy Parker upon entering an event: " Age before beauty."
Dorothy Parker, without breaking stride: "Pearls before swine."

IMO, the classic was Churchill with a female member of the British aristocracy (I don't remember which one) when she said," Mr Churchill, if you were my husband, I would poison your tea" to which he replied " Madam, if I was your husband, I would drink it."

Those are fantastic!

Lady Astor. She and Churchill were in the same social strata and were usually in attendance at the same functions. Their peers listened closely to their repartee.

Churchill had peers?

If Monty Python were still around, and John Cleese not a member of the dark side, would they suggest:

"You ma'am, are a tiny brained propagator of cow farts"?

Agree that the British are especially talented in that arena.

"A lady came up to me one day and said 'Sir! You are drunk,' to which I replied 'I am drunk today madam, and tomorrow I shall be sober but you will still be ugly."

Winston Churchill

Lady Astor berated Churchill one evening: "Mr. Churchill., you are drunk!"

Churchill: "Indeed, I am! You are ugly, and tomorrow I will be sober!"

LOL!

Well, it was touching to see the queen blush and smile, and look embarrassed and happy, and fling furtive glances at Sir Launcelot that would have got him shot in Arkansas, to a dead certainty.
- A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court


Laughter without a tinge of philosophy is but a sneeze of humor. Genuine humor is replete with wisdom.
- quoted in Mark Twain and I, Opie Read

Humor is the good natured side of a truth.
- quoted in Mark Twain and I, Opie Read

I shall not often meddle with politics, because we have a political Editor who is already excellent and only needs to serve a term or two in the penitentiary to be perfect.
- Mark Twain, a Biography

“Quotation, n: The act of repeating erroneously the words of another.”
― Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

“Ocean, n. A body of water occupying about two-thirds of a world made for man — who has no gills.”
― Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

“Lottery: A tax on people who are bad at math.”
― Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

Zombies eat brains - You guy's are safe!

"I'd like to take you seriously, but that would be to insult your intelligence."
William F. Buckley Jr.

“You have attributed conditions to villainy that simply result from stupidity.”
― Robert A. Heinlein,

Endowed with a stupidity which by the least little stretch would go around the globe four times and tie.
- Mark Twain in Eruption

He would have been a black and tan terrier only there wsn't room enough on him for both colors.
- quoted in "Relics of Mark Twain,"

"He's so smart he's stupid".

Author unknown.

Man, in church, to his wife: "That woman on the next pew is downright ugly!" Wife: "Shhh, she can't help how she looks." Man: "No, but she could stay home!"

From Robert Ruark

"When you open your mouth, your brains are on parade!" My dad to me many times as a kid.

Couldn't remember where I got it, thanks for reminding me.

Alleged British Officer Evaluations
1. His men would follow him anywhere but only out of curiosity.

2. I would not breed from this Officer.

3. This man is depriving a village somewhere of its idiot.

4. This Officer can be likened to a small puppy - he runs around excitedly, leaving little messes for other people to clean up.

5. This Officer is really not so much of a has-been, more of a definitely won't-be.

6. When she opens her mouth it seems only to change whichever foot was previously in there.

7. Couldn't organise 50% leave in a 2-man submarine.

8. He has carried out each and every one of his duties to his entire satisfaction.

9. He would be out of his depth in a car park puddle.

10. Technically sound but socially impossible.

11. The occasional flashes of adequacy are marred by an attitude of apathy and indifference.

12 When he joined my ship this Officer was something of a granny; since then he has aged considerably.

13. This Medical Officer has used my ship to carry his genitals from port to port, and my officers to carry him from bar to bar.

14. This Officer reminds me very much of a gyroscope, always spinning around at a frantic pace but not really going anywhere.

15. Since my last report he has reached rock bottom and has started to dig.

16. She sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them.

17. He has the wisdom of youth and the energy of old age.

18. This Officer should go far and the sooner he starts, the better.

19. In my opinion this pilot should not be authorised to fly below 250 feet.

20. The only ship I would recommend for this man is citizenship.

21. Couldn't organise a woodpecker's picnic in Sherwood Forest.

22. Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap.

23. Not the sharpest knife in the drawer.

24. Gates are down, the lights are flashing but the train isn't coming.

25. Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it.

26. If he were any more stupid he'd have to be watered twice a week.

27. Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching.

28. If you stand close enough to him you can hear the ocean.

29. It's hard to believe that he beat 1 000 000 other sperm.

30. A room temperature IQ.

31. Got a full 6-pack but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together.

32. A gross ignoramus, 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus.

33. He has a photographic memory but has the lens cover glued on.

34. He has been working with glue too long.

35. When his IQ reaches 50 he should sell.

36. This man hasn't got enough grey matter to sole the flip-flop of a one legged budgie.

37. If two people are talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.

38. One-celled organisms would out score him in an IQ test.

39. He donated his body to science before he was done using it.

40. Fell out of the stupid tree and hit every branch on the way down.

41. He's so dense light bends around him.

42. If brains were taxed he'd get a rebate.

43. Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled.

44. Takes him 1½ hours to watch 60 minutes.

45. Wheel is turning but the hamster is long dead.