I know, what happens in hunting camp stays in hunting camp, but... in the spirit of "it's been a long damn week and we could use some humor," anyone care to share any of their favorite humorous quotes from our ink-stained brethren?

In the self-deprecating category, I'll start:

At the last SHOT show, I was chatting with Ron Spomer and informed him that I was greatly offended.

"Why?" he asked.

"Because I've been on several hunts lately where fellow writers kept telling me I look like you," I said.

Without missing a beat, he replied, "I think they're trying to insult both of us."

"It's not premarital sex if you don't plan on marrying them"

That one was courtesy of an Alaskan writer/guide that I will not mention.

Hard to argue with that logic...

"Bird hunting without a dog is like having sex without a woman."

Thanks

You actually put on the 'Fire many years ago and just as I was going to comment you deleted it. I never forgot it though, I laughed my ass off.

It was one of those comments I am afraid my kids like to quote.
That, as well as my admonishment that if you are looking for sympathy you can always find it in the dictionary between sh-t and syphylis

Mike,

One of my favorites came from Jason Lucas, the fishing columnist for SPORTS AFIELD for 24 years after WWII. Back then some tourism departments in were trying to improve the image of northern pike, because they wanted to attract more anglers, so started calling the fish "the great northern pike."

In a column on pike fishing, Lucas commented: "The Great Northern is a railroad, not a fish."

"If you shoot someone with a 25 acp, and he finds out about it, he is going to be upset with you"

Think it was Cooper, but I'm not sure.

I recall a Capstick line relating to shooting a Cape Buffalo and after the shot, he decided to "pop over and discuss the matter further".

One from a McManus Answer Man story:

You don't get down from a log, you get down from a goose.

Dale

My favorite at Jack O'Connor.

"That stock is so ugly it would abort a lady crocodile." I use it frequently to describe a .270 I own with a would be Weatherby style stock.
Paul B.

I like to do all of my hunting before I shoot. - Elmer Keith

My favorite that makes me laugh every time I put a live round into my 300 WSM comes from Mule Deer from an article I don't remember the title of. It talks of his friend, Dick Fickle, who was pining for a first look at the new cartridge.

Seems Dick Fickle showed up on John's door step inquiring of it. "When I handed it to him, he had to lean against a wall."

I can just picture that scenario.

I believe it was Col. Chas. Askins on shooting an over/under vs. a Side by Side..

" If God had intended you to shoot one of those ( O/U) He would have stacked your eyes that way..."

Capstick,describing a Cape Buffalo,who,

"looks at you like you owe him money"

"Robert Ruark said of the African Buffalo: “He looked at me as
though I owed him money. I never saw such malevolence in
the eyes of any animal or human being before or since. So I
shot him.”

fluffy,

Mudhen is correct: The money-owing line is by Ruark, not Capstick--but just about everything written about Cape buffalo since has quoted or stolen the line, to the point where it almost HAS to be used, even though it's become something of a cliche.

It's something like writing about the 7x57 without mentioning Bell and his elephants: If you don't, some reader will feel compelled to "correct" your apparent ignorance, so it has to be thrown in there.

Kudos on that correction. I give Ruark lots of credit for lots of things. Capstick.....not so much......



Though he could spin a yarn......

I like that. Reminds me of one from an elder member of the fraternity, who shall remain nameless:

"That rifle looks like it was put together by a pimp."

Cooper on the 25 acp--
"Do not carry a 25 acp, but if you must, do not load it.
You may shoot someone and it make him angry and he will do you bodily harm"
Not a one liner but---

having read most of Capstick,and almost no Ruark,I will stand corrected.

Magazine writers have been replaced by you and I on the internet.

I don't read or subscribe to hobby magazines anymore. It's far more interesting to read and write active information on the internet web.

For findng out a topic on forums use the search engine.

www.Boardreader.com

Another topic here is on lightweight rifles. Here is a link to a discussion:

Lightweight rifles

We don't need to buy a magazine when we can search out an answer instantly and free here on the net.

Though also not a true one-liner, I always enjoyed Finn Aagaard describing his experiences with guiding hunters in Africa who didn't get a knock-down with their first shot. "In my typical fashion, I managed to put a bullet into the buffalo's hind end as he disappeared into the brush," or something on that order. I always think that Mr. Aagaard had perfected that shot during his guiding years!

"A great many good fellows are comforted by and have a touching faith in tables and charts which optimistically guarantee to reduce caliber killing efficiency to a mathematical formula. There is nothing much wrong with this,as long as it is not taken too seriously and is seen i proper perspective,which is, home entertainment value..."

Not a one liner...but I still chuckle when I read it.

Finn Aagaard had a way with words, indeed. Soft spoken (and written) but you never doubted what he meant to say!

Bob Bell on Fishing.

Fish is a four letter word.

Bob would rather hunt.

Masaad Ayoob on the .25acp...


" Its a nice thing to have when you can't carry a gun..."

"Elmer just seems to naturally prefer rifles upon which wheels would be most appropriate "
Wally Taber discussing Elmer Keiths penchant for heavy, powerful rifles.

Mule Deer in an article a few months ago. Going from memory here so it's not word for word. The internet - home of those who don't know much and aren't afraid to go public.

Wally Taber - forgot about him. We used to see him whenever he came through town. He used to have color films but no sound - and he stood on stage and narrated usually with some form of predator call squawking at 100 db.

My Great Grandfather went to one of Wally's lectures in the mid 50's and bought his books. I still have them.

Now, that is quotable!

Ted

Jeff Cooper on the 1911

The 1911 pistol remains the service pistol of choice in the eyes of those who understand the problem. Back when we audited the FBI academy in 1947, I was told that I ought not to use my pistol in their training program because it was not fair. Maybe the first thing one should demand of his sidearm is that it be unfair.

Paraphrased from one of John Barsness's articles that was published in early 2004-

"...money is a flat rifle looking for a third dimension."

I can't even begin to tell you how badly you need to correct that.

Hardly. With respect to some of the "you's" on here, their internet ramblings are worth reading. With respect to yours, not so much.

There is still a place for those who use subject and object pronouns correctly.

It always astonishes me when Savage 99 says he learned something on the Internet, and astonishes me even more when he believes he's taught somebody anything.

Depending totally on the Internet for information (especial "instant" information) can also be a problem.

You are correct that Finn had that shot perfected. He was accompaning a friend on a bear hunt with me and when the hunter wounded a bear and as it headed toward the nearest pucker brush Finn broke it's pelvis and anchored it so the hunter could finish it off.

Finn always seemed very down-to-earth and gentlemanly.

He was that in spades. Plus a real asset in a hunting camp.

I wish I could remember the exact quote, but Keith once remarked about people complaining he was into "overkill". He said he could not understand the subject as how could something wind up "overdead".

BYW, I think "The Last Book" by O'Connor is full of great acerbic quotes. One nugget was where he mentioned if mule deer were called "mulies" likewise would it be legitimate to call a moose a "moosie" or sheep "sheepsies" elk "elkies", etc.

I loved reading both Keith and O'Connor, but the latter always struck me as probably the less pleasant of the two to have hung around with, especially if you pizzed him off.

Aagard's buddy: There goes the big A-hole!
Aagard:BANG

Savage 99 has singlehandedly rendered gunwriters obsolete. I can't wait for him to type his complete treatise on CRF's and Connecticut deer hunting. He's almost convinced me to swear off push feeds so as it is!

3040Krag,

I can imagine what O'Connor would have thought of Leupies, Remmies and Winnies.

Don wrote, "Magazine writers have been replaced by you and I on the internet."

When he makes his debut as a gun writer, who's gonna correct his misuse of subjective "I" for objective "me"?

DF

I probably shouldn't have been so hard on Savage 99. Apparently am just in a grumpy mood, as I've learned several things from him over the years:

1) .22 caliber centerfires won't kill whitetail deer correctly. He knows this because he once shot a deer with a .22 centerfire, and though the deer died, it didn't die correctly.

2) The .358 Winchester is far more popular than the .257 Roberts, because the .257 Roberts also won't kill whitetails correctly.

3) Deer don't die correctly when shot with push-feed bolt actions. This is because all push-feeds jam constantly, so you can't shoot deer multiple times, rapidly.

I am sure other things have been learned from him, but can't recall any right now. Maybe he'll find some more interesting facts on the Internet and share them here.

It's so seldom that Mr. Barsness is incorrect.

In one of Elmer Keith's books he had a line something like
"you can skin a buffalo with a pen knife, but it doesn't say much about the intelligence of the person doing it".
I often remember that line when I see threads on how small of a cartridge you can use on deer, purposefully! (flame suit on!)

In one of Elmer Keith's books he had a line something like
"you can skin a buffalo with a pen knife, but it doesn't say much about the intelligence of the person doing it".
I often remember that line when I see threads on how small of a cartridge you can use on deer or other big game, purposefully! (flame suit on!)

True, but he did like to fling pills with high BCs; that's just how he rolled.

Is that why he settled on the 270 and the 130 grain bullet?

That was just so he had something to write about. You didn't think that schtick was serious?

The most important thing I learned from Savage 99 is that since deer are scarce at his VT deer camp you can't kill them with light caliber rifles and need something along the lines of a .358. Apparently light cartridges only work where deer are plentiful. And even then you need a CRF so you can get a second shot off.

I learned on the Campfire that it's better to remain silent and be considered a fool,than to open your mouth and remove all doubt.

Sounds like that famed gunwriter of old, Abe Lincoln...

DF

One I do recall from Capstick is his comments about leopard attacks...the comment ran along the line of the cat biting your face off, then the hind claws going to work on you like a rototiller.

I think the opening line to Gene Wensel's book, Come November, is one of the best I've ever read: "I was a deer hunter before I became a man."

Steve.

And don't forget that TR admitted that he was not a good shot, but that he shot often.....

Jack

Grit's Gresham...."Less filling,taste's great"

I'll probably not get this Elmer Keith Quote exact but, It seems that while sitting around a campfire with several hunters/shooters Elmer was asked, Elmer What do you consider the perfect caliber. He paused for a moment and then replied, "Something that'll throw a camp stove about 3000 feet per second"! Not an exact quote, but you should get the idea. memtb

Can't remember who wrote this. Maybe David Petzel:

Q: Where's the best place to shoot a moose?

A: Right next to a forklift.

Just part of the unholy trinity of overkill, overdead, and overpenetrate.

It seems more deer-training is needed.

I forget the subject being written about but Jim Carmichael wrote," Like fast cars and fair ladies it isn't for the average chap".

This is going to date me, but that hardly matters. When I was attending K-12 the correct use of the personal pronoun was ...you and I blah blah blah...

You and me was considered incorrect.

Now, you and me is preferred, but you and I is still accepted by many professors.

Where do you find confirmation that "I" is now accepted as the objective pronoun rather than "me"?

"You and I" are correct for the subjective.

"You and me" are correct for the objective.

I don't think mixing those uses is Kosher, regardless how "modern" one thinks he is.

DF

You seriously overrate your grammar skills again... just like when you refused to look up polysyndeton...

Say the sentence twice as follows:

"Magazine writers have been replaced by you on the Internet."

"Magazine writers have been replaced by me on the Internet."

One would not say, "Magazine writers have been replaced by I on the Internet."

So, the correct grammar/structure would be: "Magazine writers have been replaced by you and me on the Internet."

Congratulations to those who got it right.

And yet, they still, "Ask the Gunwriters"!

"The way to hunt is for as long as you live against as long as there is such and such an animal; just as the way to paint is as long as there is you and colors and canvas, and to write as long you can live and there is pencil and paper or ink or any machine to do it with, or anything you care to write about, and you feel a fool, and you are a fool, to do it any other way."

Ernest Hemingway -Green Hills of Africa

More than a one-liner, but I've always liked this.

Colonel Jeff Cooper, 1920 - 2006

. . . But guns, love and defense of country, and fighting the good fight are what he will be remembered for, and these things and these ideas brought out some of his most powerful writing.

"Weapons are the tools of power," he wrote back in 1979. "In the hands of the state, they can be the tools of decency or the tools of oppression, depending on the righteousness of that state. In the hands of criminals, they are the tools of evil. In the hands of the free and decent citizen, they should be the tools of liberty. Weapons compound man's power to achieve whatever purpose he may have. They amplify the capabilities of both the good man and the bad, and to exactly the same degree, having no will of their own. Thus, we must regard them as servants, not masters--and good servants of good men. Without them, man is diminished, and his opportunities to fulfill his destiny are lessened. An unarmed man can only flee from evil, and evil is not overcome by fleeing from it."

Nine-millimeters are all well and good until someone loses an eye.
Jeff Cooper

Jeff Cooper---
The 45 acp is not the ideal cartridge, it is the cartridge chambered in the ideal pistol.

"It was now evident to me that the subconscious can take over during moments of great stress. When it does take over, it is infallible — it can only achieve perfection. The shots that I made in that first gunfight were so precise and so quick that I have never been able to duplicate the feat at a range on paper targets"Jim Cirillo

Capstick had so many great ones but one in particular I like was in regards to elephants.. Roughly..
Nothing in the world is as attention getting as as a bull elephant that has just decided he doesn't like you, and nothing, but nothing in the animal kingdom is as well equipped to do something about it..

"We never really own a dog as much as he owns us."

Gene Hill

Then what about cats?
John Wayne said that no=one really owns a cat, they just board with you.

The other one I like is "Dogs have owners, cats have staff".

To his dog, every man is Napoleon; hence the constant popularity of dogs.

Aldous Huxley

"Thanks to Shrapnel, I learned of plastic tipped bullets"
John Barsness

http://www.merriam-webster.com/thesaurus/self-infatuated

Your welcome.

I'm a little late to the dance on this one, but hopefully I can add professional reference that would punctuate what Bob has written. One needs to look no further than the Nitty Gritty Dirt Band and the lyrics of the song, "Fishing in the Dark." I add, "YOU and ME fishing in the dark." Case closed. 😁

"A boat is a hole in the water into which one pours money"

Have no idea where I read that.

Very old saying based on truth.

I think Noah said that...

And the corollary:

"The two happiest days in the life of a boat owner are when he buys the boat, and when he sells it."

I chuckle every now and then over Johhny B's irreverent reference to "Boobus Americanus" in an old Gray's Sporting Journal article entitled "What Is This Thing On My Rifle And Why Am I Looking Through It?".

I have long since lost my copy of the magazine,and can't recall the precise context in which it was used, but I think of it now and then when reading the Optics Forum,and it makes me smile.

Some stuff never leaves you and is timeless.

Bill Jorden's old admonishment that when in a gun fight to "take your time fast"

Whoever coined that phrase evidently bought beyond their needs and means….not saying there aren't plenty which make it true however.



Having experienced that 'other' dimension in time where one gets the benefit of clarity and sluggishness of time passage within brief moments, perhaps I know what he was talking about. Or perhaps I don't.

Gene Hill's comments about the amount of dog hair in his house "after all of the Labs we've had over the years, the shed hair has raised the R-factor of the insulation to the low 100's"

The corollary to the saying that a boat is a hole in the water into which you pour money is the aviation saying that an airplane is a hole in the air into which you pour money.

If you think boats and their parts are expensive all you need to do is compare them with aircraft parts.

Guy walks into a hardware store in a harbor town. Going down the aisle he spots two identical products next to each other, each from the same manufacturer, packaged the same, exactly the same in every way except one is priced at $6.99 and the other is priced at $29.99.

He brings this to the attention of the clerk who grabs the more expensive one and notes, "oh, this should have been put in the Marine Accessories section."

P.S. As Phil notes, at the Pilot Shop that same item is $59.99...

John Wootters had an article in Guns and Ammo that I believe was titled "Facts and Fancies About Deer Rifles" in that article he was speaking of common cartridges used for deer hunting. He stated "there is not a dimes worth of difference between them"

Two quotes from Elmer Keith:

1. A 270? A damn adequate coyote rifle!

2. To heck with efficiency, its performance we want!

THNX - I'd forgotten that.

I like it ! ! !

A little controversy brightens our eyes, raises our blood pressure, and in general tones us up and fills us with malicious animal spirits. I am all for it!

Jack O'Connor, The Hunting Rifle 1970

If you take the guns off the street you will still have a crime problem, whereas if you take the criminals off the street you cannot have a gun problem. - Jeff Cooper

The proper response to the recognition that people can go berserk and cause mayhem is to foster a culture of marksmanship. – Alan Korwin

I've heard that Wild Bill Hickock opined that saying. Or something very similar.

Well I guess Capstick extracted it from..."Lions and leopards and rhinos excite me but don't frighten me. But that buffalo is so big and mean and ugly and hard to stop, and vindictive and cruel and surly and ornery. He looks like he hates you personally. He looks like you owe him money. He looks like he is hunting you … He makes me sick in the stomach, and he makes my hands sweat, and he dries out my throat and my lips." in "Horn of the Hunter". Ruark wrote the sentence.

He's long been shunned (for good reason) but I loved Clay Harvey's line about the .250 Savage: "An arthritic leprechaun could shoot it."

I'm afraid I would vote for, "Magazine writers have been replaced by people like you and I, on the Internet"

I have six books on English grammar and style within reach. None of them agrees with you.

Those books probably do not like the part of my family heritage that makes me use the terms Y'all and All Y'all either then..............

Airplanes are made for people that do not get enough punishment owning a boat!

The End.

Do they pre-date the Internet?

Yes, they do. Like me, they are from sometime in the late Holocene Epoch.

Somebody once asked me the best pistol to carry. At the time, I said with no hesitation,"A Baby Browning .25 ACP."

He responded "Won't that just make him mad for the fistfight?"

And I said "You didn't say ANYTHING about shooting...only carrying..."

Until reading this thread, I didn't know "outdoor writers" wrote so much about defensive handguns.

According to Elmer Keith's nephew, Elmer recommended him buying a 270 Winchester in the then new Model 70 for an Elk hunt.

Elmer knew his feud with Jack O'Connor favorite cartridge was good for selling a lot of magazines!

BOB:

Thank you immensely for addressing the proper Subject/Object sentence structure. Do you think you could/would address the juxtaposition of the objective in the subjective tenses and vise-versa? How about [spelling]?
Forget punctuation....I'm not worth a damn at that.

WILL.

Before you all start dumping me in deep doo-doo, I completely skipped over pgs. 7-9; Murphy's been following me forever, it seems.

WILL.

I believe JB said the following .... "The only folks who have trouble killing deer with the .243 Winchester is gun writers"

I believe my statement said "...are gunwriters," but in general that's about right.

Didn't need that kind of grammar attributed to you MD?

So true. Imma haf to steal that one...

Tex, you'd have voted "wrong"...

But you aren't alone out there.....

WILL:

No