Lard Boat!
copyright 2006 – Stephen Redgwell

- with apologies to Neil Young. Sunday, ok?



"Lard boat! Lard boat's a comin'!"

Lord, how I miss my yesterdays living on the Mississippi. Every week you’d hear a steam whistle off in the distance, someone would yell those words and you knew that everyone was in for a treat. The smell of freshly rendered pork products floated up and down the river. No matter how tough things got, you could always count on the lard boat. Times were simpler then for sure.

My most vivid memory happened just after Daddy had passed away and my big brother John was in the mountains hunting. He was trying to feed a hungry group of kids and our ailing mama. Actually, it was good to see him go because John drank too much when he hung around the house. Our oldest sister Emmy Loo drowned in the river earlier that year and he’d been pitifully sad ever since. I think that’s what made mama sick too.

Anyway, I could see the lard boat coming closer and closer to our stop. With John away, that left me in charge. I ran into the house, grabbed Daddy's old gun and sang out to mama,

"Look out, Mama, there's a lard boat comin' down the river,
And it's full of bacon, and a flag, and a man on the rail..."

All the barnyard animals got skittish when they heard the lard boat's steam whistle. They knew that one of them was going to die. Usually it was a pig, but Daddy would shoot old cows too. That day, it was my turn to pick.

I just turned twenty-two;
I was wonderin' what to do.
And the closer the lard boat got, the more those feelings grew...

I could see the pig pen from the front porch of the house and singled out an old sow that had seen better days. I remember thinking that her fat would taste choice after rendering it down and straining out the chunks. It was the cycle of life. A fellow could live without schooling, but you always needed to eat!

I remember that Daddy's rifle in my hand sure felt reassuring. But as I walked into the barn, an unexpected shot hit the door. The pigs were ready and started shooting to try and scare me off. All that did was get me angry! "Sorry Porky, that don't work!"

And I raised the rifle to my eye.
I never stopped to wonder why.
The pig saw black and his face splashed into the sky.

After that, it was easy because the animals ran for cover. I just grabbed old Porky’s leg and dragged her butt towards the water. I remember thinking that she must have weighed close to three hundred pounds. When the captain saw that fat, old carcass on the dock, he smiled. He started sounding the steam whistle and screamed,

"Lard boat! Lard boat's a comin'!"

Please, don't drink and post.

Or drink and pilot a boat.

I used to hate it when farm animals were armed!! Thankfully they can no longer obtain a PAL.

That was awful.

Yes, farms are safe again! Neil used to phone a lot. He was always worried about his animals charging the house.