RED SKELTON'S RECIPE FOR THE PERFECT MARRIAGE
1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage, good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays, I go on Fridays.
2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California and mine is in Texas.
3. I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.
5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker. She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!" So I bought her an electric chair.
7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me, "In the lake."
8. She got a mud pack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!".
10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.
11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was 'Always'.
12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt her.
13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!".

He was a funny guy.

My dad loved watching him back in the 60s.

His reruns are still on. Great stuff and the kids can watch it without worry.

Qualiity humor doesn't have to be profane.

That doesn't sound at all like Skelton's style. He was a solid pro family man. It sounds a lot more like Rodney Dangerfield.

edited: I googled Dangerfield's quotes and found a number of these. Definitely not Skelton.

Yep, good clean humor. Dad and I always watched him together, I miss them both!!! Bill. 👣🐾👣🐾🇨🇦

I watched Red Skeleton on TV every week. He told these kind of jokes. If Rodney told the same jokes, then they both said them. These definitely were kind of jokes Red would tell.

I read something about Skelton a long time ago. This might have come from Paul Harvey's Rest of the Story.
Early in his career, he was on a flight when something went wrong with the plane. They were in a real danger of going down and everyone on the plane was freaking out. There were quite a few kids aboard so to keep them from crying, Skelton got up and went into a improvised comedy routine. He kept the attention of everyone aboard for 2 hours until the pilot was able to safely land the plane.