Redneck sayings always crack me up, and I like to hear good ‘uns. Let’s hear yours! I’ll start with one:
“That’s as dumb as puttin an elevator in an outhouse!”
Sun don't shine on a moonshine still
That’s as worthless as tits on a boar
That’s as worthless as tits on a boar
or via Bob Hagel: (in print) "Useless as Mammeary Glands on a Slab of Bacon"
“He’s so dumb he couldn't poor piss out of a boot with directions on the bottom”
He's as tough as an old Hobo turd.
Tough as 2 yellow toe nails. miles
Speaking of rain:
'...it was a toad strangler...'
or
'...it's rainin' like a two tailed cow pizzin on a flat rock...'
It’s so far back in the woods, they have to pipe daylight in.
It’s so far back in the woods, they have to pipe daylight in.
LOL. Haven’t heard that one in YEARS.
BOY? You call boy? I’ve got enough hair on my azz to weave two Indian blankets, and you call me boy??
It’s so far back in the woods, they have to pipe daylight in.
LOL. Haven’t heard that one in YEARS.
otherwise known as a "coon's age...."
Busier than a 1-legged man at an ass-kicking
she drawin' 'em like a salt lick.
“Happier than a gopher in soft dirt” and “that’ll knock the ham off the hog” courtesy Jed Clampett
BOY? You call boy? I’ve got enough hair on my azz to weave two Indian blankets, and you call me boy??
Can stand in a ditch and piss in the dump truck,
And you call me a boy!
Leanin' toward Fishers.
Cattywampuss.
Famous last words of a redneck: "You all watch this".
Sherwood
Famous last words of a redneck: "You all watch this".
Sherwood
No, it is " Hold my beer and you all watch this"
Famous last words of a redneck: "You all watch this".
Sherwood
No, it is " Hold my beer and you all watch this"
Yep. Except it’s y’all instead of you all. 🤠
elbow to ribs, chin point, fiyah her up.....
Harder than woodpecker lips
Slicker than a pocket full of pudding
Uglier than homemade soap
Finer than frog fur
Darker than the inside of a wolf
Sticker than a harrow at midnight.
More nervous than a cat in a room full of rockin chairs.
Crazier than a run over dog!
“He’s so dumb he couldn't poor piss out of a boot with directions on the bottom”
My father always said directions on the heel!
smells like a skunk in heat
If it cost a quarter to go round the world I couldn’t get out of sight
We were so poor I couldn't pay attention!
As busy as a one armed wallpaper hanger on a windy day...
The land here is so flat, you can watch your dog run away, for three days
He couldn’t get laid in a whorehouse with a thousand dollar bill taped to his forehead.
"That girl had buck-teeth so bad she could eat corn on the cob through a picket fence with her mouth closed."
She can eat peanuts out of a hot sauce bottle. miles
One coon-ass to another asking how deep in the swamp he comes from. "Hey, where yo watermark at" ?
We were so poor I couldn't pay attention!
Grown up, one of my friends Dad always used that one when he talked about growing up in the Depression Era.
When asked, "where are we gonna go?"
Answer, "We're gonna go to hell if we don't change our ways".
Cuter than a bug's ear
So sour it'd make a pig squeal
Both courtesy of mom's family.
That boy is smart as a horse and hung like Einstein.
Jim Conrad is big enough to eat hay and shìt in the road.
As busy as a one armed wallpaper hanger on a windy day...
Busier’n a cows tongue at a salt lick.
Raise hell cause we won't work.
Sun shines on the dogs backside every now and then.
That boy is denying a village of an idiot.
Well aren't you precious, just like ya mommy/daddy.
Crazier than a [bleep] house rat.
If a frog had wings he wouldn’t bump his ass.
It's so dry the trees are bribing the dogs
Like a Cow looking at a new gate .
Blacker than Coley .
Didn't last as long as Pat lasted in the Army .
Just like Peter wrote it on a rock.
Like a dose of salts thru a wider woman.
It just come a frog strangler .
Raining pitch forks and little N----r babies .
Ran through her like a dose of croton oil.
Grinning like a possum eatin saw briers .
Shivering like a dog [bleep] peach seeds.
She got a smile like a wave on a slop jar .
Like a cow pissing on a flat rock.
"That's as deceivin' as fly poop in pepper." ( from my buddy Jerry H. from Hope, NC)
According to my dad when grandpa was exasperated by the kids he’d say “I should of raised ducks, at least you can sell them”.
Ya must have a lot of rabbit in ya. Whenever ya stop yer a$$ hits the ground
Land so steep they grow up with one leg shorter than the other.
Dumber than 40 acres of stumps
Strong like bull, but smart like tractor.
He’s so tight, you couldn’t drive a straight pin up his azz with a sledgehammer
That dude could fu*k up an anvil with a rubber mallet
I always heard it "that boy could tear up an anvil with a feather"
He's so tight he wouldn't pay a nickel to see a piss ant eat a round bale
Phugggitt!
Let's go huntin'!
[quote=Grumman
He's so tight he wouldn't pay a nickel to see a piss ant eat a round bale[/quote]
Me neither but I'd give a dollar to see him after he ate a round bale !
I come around the corner a hair too hot and the ol' flivver got all cattywampus on me and like to run me in the ditch.
Did anybody mention " If a frog had wings he wouldn't bump his ass".
Used to hear people say psygogglin and anigogglin meaning cock eyed where I growed up.
How about " You look like you been sucking a sow " in reference to a dirty faced kid . used to hear that one a lot myself .
My personal favorite , referring to something or someone looking really bad , " Looks like a bulls ass sewed up with a grapevine " .
If a frog had wings, he wouldn't bump his ass.
Raining like pouring piss outta a boot.
Lives back where the hoot owls f-ck the chickens.
Busier than a cat covering [bleep] on concrete with 9 [bleep] and a broken leg.
Colder than a well diggers ass.
So broke we had to jack off the dog to feed the cat!
The land here is so flat, you can watch your dog run away, for three days
I heard this about Kansas, "The land here is so flat, if you step on a brick you can see Texas"
If BS was a bumble bee he’d be a 747
Been sucking left hind tit most of my life
Grinnin' like a possum eating s h i t onna frosty mornin.
Tighter than a bulls ass in fly time.
"If brains was gas, and you put it in an ant's motorcycle, he wouldn't have enough gas to get around a Cheerio hole."
Make a dog lick his own azz to get the taste out of its mouth.
Stink a dog off a gut wagon.
That feller is richer than 4 foot up a bulls a**
My mouth is dryer that a snuff makers a**
Dumber than a box of rocks
Slicker than deer guts on a door knob.
Prit'near.
Deader then a door nail.
It's so cold out I gotta put a stick up my ass and yell snake to take a piss.
I seen a feller and his pard, oh wait, never mind. That's daily conversation here on the fire. O.K., for real now.
He's got more balls than a three balled bull.
It's hotter than two rats screwin' in a wool sock.
She's so fat, walking away she looks like two hogs wrestling in a gunny sack.
He's dumber than a sack of hair (bucket of hammers, etc.)
If my dog looked like you, I'd shave his ass and teach him to walk backwards.
On heat: It’s a 100 and two dogs [bleep]’ outside.
Colder than a witches tit in a brass bra
Darker than the soul of a goat
She’s rough as 10 miles of gravel road
I only drink if I’m alone or with somebody
Hotter than a fart in a skillet
Hangin in there like a hair on a biscuit.
Hangin in there like a rusty nail.
Colder than a well diggers azz.
Fishnipples (as in worthless)
Wrong as two boys kissin
Crazy as a cat on fire.
Dog pecker gnats.
Stay on top. (Standard redneck instructions for riding a horse, water skiing, etc)
She could suck the chrome off a trailer hitch.
Milking through the fence.
She’d make a train take a dirt road.
There’s no way I can recall the absolute thousands I’ve heard or used, growing up in the south, from Texas to Alabama.
If if and butts were candy and nuts we’d all have a merry Christmas.
"This will only hurt for a little while"
"I'll only put the head of it in"
"I promise not to ever try to cummm in your mouth"
Credit DAC
Ugly?
Her jaw teeth are up front.
I’m happier than a puppy with two peters.
If that ain’t a fact, God’s a possum.
You can take that to the bank.
You can hang your hat on it.
You can bet the farm on it.
He’s so honest you could shoot craps with him over the phone.
If I say a hen dips snuff, you can look under her wing for the can.
So crooked you can’t tell from his tracks if he’s coming or going.
He knows more ways to take your money than a roomful of lawyers.
Crooked as a dog’s hind leg.
Crooked as the Brazos.
Slicker than a slop jar.
More twists than a pretzel factory.
Crooked as a barrel of fish hooks.
So crooked he has to unscrew his britches at night.
She’s more slippery than a pocketful of pudding.
He’s slicker than a boiled onion.
I wouldn’t trust him any farther than I can throw him.
Brave as the first man who ate an oyster.
Brave as a bigamist.
Brave enough to eat in a boomtown cafe.
He’s double-backboned.
He’s got more guts than you could hang on a fence.
He’d shoot craps with the devil himself.
She’d charge hell with a bucket of ice water.
She could start a fight in an empty house.
He’d argue with a wooden Indian.
She raised hell and stuck a chunk under it.
He’s the only hell his mama ever raised.
He’s got his tail up.
She’s in a horn-tossing mood.
She’s so contrary she floats up-stream.
She’s dancing in the hog trough.
He’ll tell you how the cow ate the cabbage.
He’s so busy you’d think he was twins.
They’re doing a land-office business.
Busy as a one-legged man at an ass-kicking convention.
Busy as a funeral home fan in July.
Busy as a one-eyed dog in a smokehouse.
Busy as a one-armed paperhanger.
Busy as a stump-tailed bull in fly season.
Busy as a hound in flea season.
Got to slop the hogs, dig the well, and plow the south forty before breakfast.
Got to get back to my rat killing.
She’s jumping like hot grease (or water) on a skillet.
Panting like a lizard on a hot rock.
No grass growing under her feet.
So dry the birds are building their nests out of barbed wire.
So dry the catfish are carrying canteens.
So dry the trees are bribing the dogs.
So dry my duck don’t know how to swim.
It’s been dry so long, we only got a quarter-inch of rain during Noah’s Flood.
So dry I’m spitting cotton.
Dry as a powder house.
Dry as the heart of a haystack.
Drier than a popcorn fart.
it's raining like a cow pissing on a flat rock .
Dumber than a last year's crow's nest
So crooked when he dies they'll have to screw him into the ground
Smilin' like the butcher's dog
So unlucky, if it was raining soup my dish would be upside down
He can grow good corn in a bad year
So steep a cat can't get traction on it
Slicker than snot on a porcelain doorknob
As graceful as a hog on ice
Too wet to plow and too windy to pick rocks
Nervous as a cat in a kennel
(Referring to someone who was scared)
You couldn't have pulled a straight pin outta his ass with a D-10
(Something that was long time ago)
Since Cooley was a pup.
(Someone working at a fast pace)
He was nothing but arseholes and elbows.
Nerves as a longtailed tomcat in a roomful of rockin chairs.
Stuck on him like ugly on a monkey
uglier than a mud fence after a 3 day rain.
Colder than a witch's titty in a brass bra
Slicker than alligator snot
That truck doesn't have enough power to pull a greasy string out of a cat's ass.
She fell out of the ugly tree and hit every branch on the way down.
If he had dynamite for brains, he couldn't blow his nose
His brains were laid on the sharp edge of a razor blade it would look like a BB on a 4-lane highway
He's dumber than a sack of hammers
I'm so broke I can't pay attention
Anything that ain't debatable is " Like Peter Wrote It On The Rock ".
Rich as 4 feet up a bulls ass.....
When asked how far he went the explorer said; I was so far North, the North star was South!
Head for the round house Nellie,he can’t corner you there
Cheaper than a pair of split- cowhide shoes
She’s got him twitched like a Georgia Mule
He looked like he got hit with a harness tug
Bad as a Cribben Horse
Better than a soap Poultice
He is going to Town he got on his sugar watered starched overalls
He’s got his self a pocket full of flub-Stubs,going to town
Prettier than a new sack of seed corn
Prettier than new pair of 5 buckle overshoes
Coming into money, he’s smoking tailor mades
His dog so lazy , if you a hot poker under his ass , he’d lay there and howl instead of getting up and move
Busier than a cucumber in a women’s prison.
That’s harder than a dump truck full of neck bones!
Doc_Holidude
Sweating more than a whore in church.
Prettier than a bucket full of hog livers.
Hotter n two boys kissin.
Prettier than a petunia in a patch of chigger weed!
Colder than a school marms heart.
So ugly, she could scare the flies off a gut wagon.
So ugly, she could make a freight train take a dirt road.
If he was a muskrat, he would chew off three legs and still be in the trap.
Scarcer than hens teeth.
That dog won’t hunt.
If his lips are moving, he’s lying.
Feel like I have been rode hard and put up wet.
I’m going to box your ears.
I wouldn’t piss on him if he was on fire.
Drunk as Cooter Brown.
Highflutin.
Hotter than a half fuxxed fox in a forest fire
Hotter’n three in a bed
Queer as a three dollar bill
If ya can’t swallow it, spit it out
She got a bee in her bonnet ( that’s when she is mad)
Tighter than skin on a grape
Tighter than 10 coats of paint
The s h I t s gettin deep
I heard this a lot growin’ up (we were pretty poor)… wish in one hand and $hit in the other and see which one fills up faster.
We lived so far back in the woods we got Monday night football on Thursday night!
Is a frogs a$$ water tight?!?
That kids so ugly had to tie a pork chop around his/her neck to get the dogs to play with ‘em.
𝐎𝐥𝐝 𝐇𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐛𝐢𝐥𝐥𝐲 𝐖𝐢𝐬𝐝𝐨𝐦:
Your fences need to be horse-high, pig-tight and bull-strong.
Keep skunks, bankers, and politicians at a distance.
Life is simpler when you plow around the stump.
A bumble bee is considerably faster than a John Deere tractor.
Words that soak into your ears are whispered, not yelled.
The best sermons are lived, not preached.
If you don't take the time to do it right, you'll find the time to do it twice.
Don't corner something that is meaner than you.
Don’t pick a fight with an old man. If he is too old to fight, he’ll just kill you.
It don’t take a very big person to carry a grudge.
You cannot unsay a cruel word.
Every path has a few puddles.
When you wallow with pigs, expect to get dirty.
Don't be banging your shin on a stool that's not in the way.
Borrowing trouble from the future doesn't deplete the supply.
Most of the stuff people worry about ain’t never gonna happen anyway.
Don’t judge folks by their relatives.
Silence is sometimes the best answer.
Don‘t interfere with somethin’ that ain’t botherin' you none.
Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.
If you find yourself in a hole, the first thing to do is stop diggin’.
Sometimes you get, and sometimes you get got.
The biggest troublemaker you’ll ever have to deal with watches you from the mirror every mornin’.
Always drink upstream from the herd.
Good judgment comes from experience, and most of that comes from bad judgment.
Lettin’ the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier than puttin’ it back in.
If you get to thinkin’ you’re a person of some influence, try orderin’ somebody else’s dog around.
Live a good, honorable life. Then when you get older and think back, you’ll enjoy it a second time.
Live simply. Love generously. Care deeply. Speak kindly. Leave the rest to God.
Most times, it just gets down to common sense.
BOY? You call boy? I’ve got enough hair on my azz to weave two Indian blankets, and you call me boy??
Yep. And I'd call an alligator a lizard, too!
He would rather climb a tree and tell a lie than stand on the ground and tell the truth!
Uglier than an outhouse door on a tuna boat
“Does a bear $hit in the woods?” Is quite common, but this is real redneck:
Are the Kennedys gun shy?
If chitt could fly he'd have wings.
Shining like a diamond in a goat’s ass
Looks like she fell out the ugly tree and hit every limb down.
Talking about an ugly woman "I'd hit that.... With a baseball bat"
I wouldn't touch her with a 10ft pole.
I wouldn't fuçk her with your diçk
Taste so good it'll make your tongue slap your brains out.
Looks like something the dogs drug up and the cats won't drag off.
Southern women can say anything about someone else as long as they end it with "bless his/her heart"
Example: that boy is stupider than stump water, bless his heart.
He's the sorryest SOB that ever schit behind a pair of shoes!
If BS was a bumble bee you’d be a 747.
Ugly enough to scare the squeal out of a pig.
Tighter than bark on a tree.
Dumber than 100 head of sheep.
Strong enough to lift a car but not smart enough to drive it.
His head is all bone, no brain.
Come from a town of 100 people but only 2 last names.
The only reason she is still a virgin is because she could outrun her brothers.
It was so hot, I saw a rattlesnake crawl into the campfire trying to find shade under the coffee pot.
He talks so much, he musta been vaccinated with a Victrola needle.
He'd climb a greased pole backwards to tell a lie rather than stand flat footed on the ground and tell the truth.
He was so cross eyed, he could stand on Wednesday and look both ways for Sunday.
Watch him, he'll steal the stink out of dirty.
He's so tight, he'd skin a flea for his hide and tallow.
She's cuter than a speckled pup under a red wagon
Hotter than an eleven dollar cook stove.
He's about three turns tighter than tree bark.
Ain't got the sense God gave a goose.
He's scared of his own shadow.
The boy wouldn't say "sooooie" if the hogs was eatin' 'im!
I wouldn't take a gold monkey for it....or....I'd give a gold monkey to see that!
Give a poor man a hundred dollars and the first thing he wants to do is join the country club and vote a republican ticket.
A poor man voting for a republican is like a chicken voting for Col. Sanders.
Couldn't whup his way out of a wet paper sack.
Quicker than two shakes of a dead lamb's tail.
He was so mean, they had to hire pall bearers.
He was so crooked, they had to screw him in the ground.
Q: How do you make a Baptist laugh on Sunday?
A: Tell him a joke on Wednesday!
I couldn't catch a cafe on biscuit wheels
If beer was a dime a bottle, I couldn't even buy a smell.
I'm so broke I'd have to fart twice to make a scent.
He's so tight he can make Lincoln squeal.
He's so tight he squeaks when he walks.
He's got nine and a half cents out of the first dime he ever made.
He can turn on a dime and give you nine and a half cents change!
Beat you like a red headed step child.
Rather hear a fat boy fart than hear a pretty girl giggle.
Heard this ol' carpenter from down south comment about a hottie walking past the jobsite
"She so skinny, It'd be like fkn a bag of antlers"
Finer'n a frog's hair split three ways!
Ed
Baptists- wherever three or four are gathered, there's sure to be a fifth
Know why it's so hard to tell a redneck murder?
Because there's no dental records, and all the DNA is the same.
Boy is so scrawny, he's only got one stripe on his pajamas
Drunker than Cooter Brown!
Can't believe I didn't see this one: -well that went over like a fart in church
-you need your moral compass recalibrated
-she can suck a golfball through a garden hose
-He's so crooked he swallows nails and poops out corkscrews
-like a dog up a bone tree
-so cold i can cut glass with my nipples
-that fart'll strip the paint off a car door
-she looks like a horse trying to eat an apple through a chain link fence
-lifes a boner, ya gotta stick it out
-it's movin at the speed of smell
Little monkey, you better eat a lot more bananas before you try to climb this tree
Well I'll be sheep dipped!
Meaner than a bitin’ sow.
He ain’t worth two dead flies.
He ain’t fit to make a crowd.
Boy , are you that stupid or was you trained that way?
You can put lipstick on a pig, but it is still a pig
Grew up so far back in the woods I was 16 years old before I found out my name wasn't GET WOOD.
If brains were bailing wire, that boy wouldn't have enough to short out the resistor in a firefly's as...
Old cowboy sayings
He was mad enough to swallow a horn-toad backwards.
He’s so mean he’d steal a fly from a blind spider.
He was so mean, he’d fight a rattler and give him the first bite.
He was mean enough to steal a coin off a dead man’s eyes.
He made an ordinary fight look like a prayer meetin’.
When I’m done with you, there won’t be enough left of you to snore.
He was mean enough to eat off the same plate with a snake.
He was so mad he could bite himself.
He was mean enough to hunt bears with a hickory switch.
SHY: As shy as a green bronc at a new water trough.
DRY: So dry he had to prime himself to spit.
USELESS: Useless as settin a milk bucket under a bull.
LAZY: About as lively as a 30 year old stud he was.
GREENHORN: So green he didn't savvy cow unless it was dished up in stew.
CONTENTED: As happy as a fly in a currant pie.
COWTOWNS: A town where the undertaker was the most prosperous feller in it.
RELIGION: He was raised on prunes an Proverbs
PROUD: He swelled up til he busted his surcingle.
NOISY: Makin more noise than a breedin' jackass in a tin barn.
Circling around like a rat in a grain bin trying to piss in the corner
Busier than a Cat covering Scat on a Marble Floor!