After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too' p;
And then the fight started.....

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My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table. My wife asked, 'Do you know her?' 'Yes,' I sighed, 'She's my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn't been sober since.' 'My God!' says my wife, 'Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?'

And then the fight started.....

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I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it.... he was a DWARF!!! He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, 'I AM NOT HAPPY!!!' So, I looked down at him and said, 'Well, then which one are you?'

And then the fight started......
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A woman is standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She is not happy with what she sees and says to her husband, 'I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you t o pay me a compliment.' The husband replies, 'Your eyesight's damn near perfect.'

And then the fight started......

That last one is just priceless LOL!!!

I had a girlfriend who went out and bought a great fitting red dress. Now she had quite a body on her I must say. Well anyways, she brings this dress home & proceeds to try it on. It looked great on her. Cut low enough here, split high enough there, you get the picture. Then she did it! She asked me, "does this dress make my hips look big?". Well as both feet were racing towards my moth, I quickly replied, "nope, your ass does that all by itself!"...and then the fight started

Notice I said had in the first sentence. True story

just read these lots of laughs thanks