Blame the Damn Lawyers, Man! - 06/09/19
Humina, Humina Street Baptist Church Newsletter
Copyright 2007 - Stephen Redgwell
Just wait a minute, Billy! Stop blamin' all your problems on the world. Start blamin' the people whose fault it really is! It's the lawyers, man! Them, and the damn government! Hear me?
Just shut up and listen! You voted them in. Jesus and Joseph, Billy, most of them are lawyers! Even the ones that ain't, get free legal advice and call them friends. Holy Moses, we're surrounded! We haven't got a chance.
Oh, I know you didn't mean to do it. You was full of free, store bought booze that they brung you. You got suckered. Sheit man, they got you drunk and you trusted them! Did you hear what I said?
But don't think that I'm blamin' you.
You remember a few Sundays ago when that fat lady, Mrs. Beasley, started speakin' in tongues? The three old ladies who always sit in the back pew started wailin', and all the babies started cryin'. The air smelled like sulphur, and blood was oozin' out of St.Valentine's eyes. We was paralyzed with fear!
It was Lucifer, man! Satan come a callin' at Humina, Humina Baptist Church! We was all eyewitnesses to the devil tryin' to trick each and every one of us. But the devil, he would of had a better chance if he didn't start speakin' through such a large woman (and a gossip) like Mrs. Beasley. Everybody knows she's not right in the head.
And we had the Lord on our side. Reverend cast Satan out. He said,
"Devil, get lost! And don't be so damn stupid! Take over someone skinnier next time. Possess someone that ain't a lard *** and has such a hard time for to move around. Look at the size of her legs! And try it with someone who don't sweat like a pig!"
For a split second, I thought we was done for! Then that lawyer fellow stood up and said, "Now reverend, really! Can you prove she's possessed? I'd like to see the proof!" Then he smiled and stared right at Reverend. That lawyer's eyes was burnin' red, and I swear I seen little horns stickin' out of his head!
Reverend looked skyward and said, "Please help us, Lord!" And right then, a big jeezly lightnin' bolt come down from the sky and smote that lawyer! Right there in the first pew! I didn't need no proof of who was lyin', or possessed, or nothin'!
I did know the Lord was lookin' after us. Just like when the air force chases them Muslin fellows, livin' in the Middle East, Reverend called in a surgical strike and took out one of the devil's minions right before our eyes. And he didn't even char the ceilin'!
Them Baptist ministers sure gots pretty mouths, right? He talked so damn smooth, I swear he was spittin' silver dollars! Hell fire and damnation, Billy, Mrs. Beasley was speaking in tongues, but Reverend stopped it!
Jumpin' Jehoshaphat, we seen the devil given his walkin' papers live and in person! And the heat from the Lord's lightnin' melted a couple hundred pounds off of Mrs. Beasley. She's not lookin' too bad these days. You can trust me on that! I seen her tryin' on dresses at Value Village. She's svelt!
That's what we gotta do with them politicians. Exorcise them right off the planet. They're not trustworthy, them guys!
One last thing: Know what I seen at the library, Billy? And before you say something smart mouthed, I was there pumpin' the septic tank! I was standin' there suckin' sewage and I looked through the window. I seen that they got a whole book section devoted to the writin' of lawyers! No wonder God fearin' folk don't go to the library. The devil's works are in there!
"Different Ways to Spell Bob"
"Bill Clinton's Big Book of Virtues"
"Conrad Black's Guide to Business Ethics"
The whole place is full of sheit! Oh, Billy. Humina Humina...
Copyright 2007 - Stephen Redgwell
Just wait a minute, Billy! Stop blamin' all your problems on the world. Start blamin' the people whose fault it really is! It's the lawyers, man! Them, and the damn government! Hear me?
Just shut up and listen! You voted them in. Jesus and Joseph, Billy, most of them are lawyers! Even the ones that ain't, get free legal advice and call them friends. Holy Moses, we're surrounded! We haven't got a chance.
Oh, I know you didn't mean to do it. You was full of free, store bought booze that they brung you. You got suckered. Sheit man, they got you drunk and you trusted them! Did you hear what I said?
But don't think that I'm blamin' you.
You remember a few Sundays ago when that fat lady, Mrs. Beasley, started speakin' in tongues? The three old ladies who always sit in the back pew started wailin', and all the babies started cryin'. The air smelled like sulphur, and blood was oozin' out of St.Valentine's eyes. We was paralyzed with fear!
It was Lucifer, man! Satan come a callin' at Humina, Humina Baptist Church! We was all eyewitnesses to the devil tryin' to trick each and every one of us. But the devil, he would of had a better chance if he didn't start speakin' through such a large woman (and a gossip) like Mrs. Beasley. Everybody knows she's not right in the head.
And we had the Lord on our side. Reverend cast Satan out. He said,
"Devil, get lost! And don't be so damn stupid! Take over someone skinnier next time. Possess someone that ain't a lard *** and has such a hard time for to move around. Look at the size of her legs! And try it with someone who don't sweat like a pig!"
For a split second, I thought we was done for! Then that lawyer fellow stood up and said, "Now reverend, really! Can you prove she's possessed? I'd like to see the proof!" Then he smiled and stared right at Reverend. That lawyer's eyes was burnin' red, and I swear I seen little horns stickin' out of his head!
Reverend looked skyward and said, "Please help us, Lord!" And right then, a big jeezly lightnin' bolt come down from the sky and smote that lawyer! Right there in the first pew! I didn't need no proof of who was lyin', or possessed, or nothin'!
I did know the Lord was lookin' after us. Just like when the air force chases them Muslin fellows, livin' in the Middle East, Reverend called in a surgical strike and took out one of the devil's minions right before our eyes. And he didn't even char the ceilin'!
Them Baptist ministers sure gots pretty mouths, right? He talked so damn smooth, I swear he was spittin' silver dollars! Hell fire and damnation, Billy, Mrs. Beasley was speaking in tongues, but Reverend stopped it!
Jumpin' Jehoshaphat, we seen the devil given his walkin' papers live and in person! And the heat from the Lord's lightnin' melted a couple hundred pounds off of Mrs. Beasley. She's not lookin' too bad these days. You can trust me on that! I seen her tryin' on dresses at Value Village. She's svelt!
That's what we gotta do with them politicians. Exorcise them right off the planet. They're not trustworthy, them guys!
One last thing: Know what I seen at the library, Billy? And before you say something smart mouthed, I was there pumpin' the septic tank! I was standin' there suckin' sewage and I looked through the window. I seen that they got a whole book section devoted to the writin' of lawyers! No wonder God fearin' folk don't go to the library. The devil's works are in there!
"Different Ways to Spell Bob"
"Bill Clinton's Big Book of Virtues"
"Conrad Black's Guide to Business Ethics"
The whole place is full of sheit! Oh, Billy. Humina Humina...