Blame the Damn Lawyers, Man!
Humina Humina Baptist Church Newsletter
Copyright 2007 - Stephen Redgwell



Wait a minute, Billy! Stop blamin' your problems on the world. Start blamin' the people whose fault it really is! It's the lawyers, man! And the government! They're one in the same. Hear me?

Just shut up and listen! You voted them in. Jesus and Joseph, Billy, most of them are lawyers! Even the ones that ain't get free legal advice and call them mouthpieces their friends. Holy Moses, we're surrounded! We haven't got a chance.

I know you didn't mean to do it. You was all full of free, store bought booze that they brung you. You got suckered. Sheit man, they got you drunk and you trusted them! Did you hear what I said?

But don't think that I'm blamin' you.

You remember a few Sundays ago when that fat lady, Mrs. Beasley, started speakin' in tongues? The three old ladies who always sit in the back pew started wailin', and all the babies started cryin'. The air smelled like sulphur, and blood was oozin' out of St.Valentine's eyes. We was paralyzed with fear!

It was Lucifer, man! Satan came a callin' at Humina Humina Baptist Church! He tried to trick each and every one of us. But the devil would of had a better chance if he didn't possess a busybody like Mrs. Beasley. Everybody knows she's not right in the head.

And we had the Lord on our side. Reverend cast Satan out. He said,

"Devil, get lost! And don't be so damn stupid! Take over someone skinnier next time. Possess someone that ain't a lard *** and has such a hard time movin' around. Look at the size of her legs! And try it with someone who don't sweat like a pig!"

For a split second, I thought we was done for, when that lawyer fellow stood up and said,

"Now reverend, really! Can you prove she's possessed? I'd like to see the proof!"

Then he smiled and stared right at Reverend. That lawyer's eyes was burnin' red, and I swear I seen little horns stickin' out of his head!

Reverend looked skyward and asked, "Please help us, Lord!"

Just then, a big jeezily lightnin' bolt come down from the sky and smote that lawyer. Right there in the first pew! I didn't need no proof of who was lyin', or possessed, or nothin'! I did know the Lord was lookin' after us. Just like how the air force chases them Muslin fellows, Reverend called in a surgical strike and took out one of the devil's minions right before our eyes. And he didn't even char the ceilin'!

Them Baptist ministers sure gots pretty mouths, right? He talked so damn smooth, I swear he was spittin' silver dollars! Jumpin' Jehosiphat, Billy, Mrs. Beasley was speaking in tongues, but Reverend stopped it! We seen the devil given his walkin' papers live and in person!

And the heat from the Lord's lightnin' melted a couple hundred pounds off of Mrs. Beasley. She's not lookin' too bad these days. You can trust me on that! I seen her tryin' on dresses at Value Village. She's svelt!

That's what we gotta do with them politicians. Exorcise them right off the planet. They're not trustworthy!

One last thing. You know what I seen at the library? And before you say something smart mouthed, I was there pumpin' the septic tank! I looked through the window, and seen that they got a whole book section devoted to the writin' of lawyers! No wonder God fearin' folk stopped goin' to the library. The devil's works are in there!

"Fourteen Ways to Spell Bob"
"Taxing the Poor: Your 'How To' Guide"
"Justin Trudeau's Nonsense Tutorial"
"How to Blame Foreign Governments for Your Mistakes"
"Ten Easy Ways to Vacation with Tax Money"

The whole place is full of sheit! Oh, Billy, Humina Humina...

Shysters make good boat anchors. Now normally we expect chitt to float, but their pockets are always stuffed with our jingle. Yep, straight to the bottom they go!

Damn straight!