Home Forums Miscellaneous Topics Humor, Jokes, and Riddles The Naked Mr. Gumby

The Naked Mr. Gumby
copyright 2007 - Stephen Redgwell

Mr. Gumby liked to hunt in the nude. He always said that if a man didn't wear clothes, he would blend in better with his surroundings. Because of this philosophy, he hunted in the buff for as many years as anyone could remember.

But times were changing. The city was growing closer, threatening the peace and solitude of the countryside. A developer decided to buy the property that Mr. Gumby had hunted on for close to forty years. What the developer saw while examining the property made him pale. He thought he saw a naked man walking in the forest, but figured he got too much sun. When he saw the naked man a second time, he grew concerned, and went into town for some answers.

His first stop was Edna's Restaurant. There weren't many people there, and everyone glared at him as he walked in. No one cared for this city fellow. He was going to ruin the town with modern housing and commuters! Naturally, they felt it was their duty to chase him away, by making his life as uncomfortable as possible.

Mr. Dorking ignored their stares and waved to Edna. "Hi Edna. Something is bothering me. Can I speak to you for a moment?"

He was polite, but his nasally voice, and the way he looked down at you over his glasses, was annoying. He really could get under your skin.

"Why, if it isn't our Mr. Dorking from the city!" Her voice resonated with false enthusiasm.

Old Ned was sitting nearby having a coffee. Folks said he was a 100 years old and senile. No one could confirm his age, but he definitely wasn't playing with a full deck.

"Hey Edna,” Ned said, "Look again. It IS our Mr. Dorking from the city. Don't you recognize him?" Then he cackled with laughter and pointed, but only Mr. Dorking noticed. Everybody was used to Ned.

"Oh Ned, gum a slice of pie and shush. I think he has a problem." Then she turned to Mr. Dorking and asked, "What's the matter, dear? Raccoons carry off your laundry?"

Mr. Dorking wagged his finger at her and declared, "There's a naked man running around in the forest near here. What do you think of that?"

"I won't think too much until I've seen him. Is he looking for a date?" Edna knew exactly who that city guy saw, but feigned ignorance.

The others in the restaurant turned and stared at a very confused man. Mr. Dorking could feel their eyes boring into the back of his neck, but carried on. "Has anyone ever seen him? He’s running around with no clothes on. It isn't normal..."

Edna couldn’t help herself. "Why's that, Mr. Dorking? We’re all born naked. Our ancestors walked the forests ‘au naturel’. Animals do it daily. Everyone gets the urge to ‘let it all hang out’ occasionally. And what about nudist camps? Come to think of it, I read that these camps are out here in the country! Maybe even somewhere close by!”

Mr. Dorking stared at the floor and shuffled his feet. Edna continued. “Don't people take their clothes off in Toronto? It must be hard to shower..."

He was flabbergasted. "You know quite well what I mean, madam! It's painfully obvious I'm not welcome here, but public nudeness…er, nudiddity…is, well it's still an offence. I'll talk to the police!"

With that, he walked out the door and headed towards the OPP (Ontario Provincial Police) office across the street. He thought about it this way; the only way to sell lots of lots was to rid the area of the naked man. He also had to establish himself as someone to be reckoned with. He certainly could not have the townsfolk laughing at him!

As Mr. Dorking crossed the street, he imagined work crews cutting down the old trees, in preparation to plant new ones, once the houses were built. Fools! No stupid local was going to spoil his plans. Rural people were so slow. He'd fix their wagons. Then he began to laugh, thinking it funny that a city person would be fixing the wagons of wagon using country folk.

Mr. Dorking arrived at the police station and talked to Constable Marshall, a twenty-five-year veteran of the force. Fifteen of those years were spent in the village.

"So you say there's a naked man in the area, Mr. Dorking? Can you give me a description?"

"Well, he's...he's about so tall..." and he raised his hand to show the constable his height, "But I couldn't really tell. I wasn't actually looking at that..."

Constable Marshall smiled. "And just what WERE you looking at, Mr. Dorking?"

The man's face turned red and he blurted out, "That’s NOT what I meant! I meant that it was hard to tell because he was partially hidden in the trees!"

"I see..." Constable Marshall chuckled and promised that he would look around for this 'hardened criminal'. Mr. Dorking blushed again and quickly left the station. As the door closed, the constable muttered "Some people's kids..."

Meanwhile, Mr. Gumby was blissfully unaware of the trouble he'd caused. Upon returning home, he decided to get dressed and go to Edna's for lunch. He arrived at the restaurant in time to speak with Constable Marshall, who had just finished eating.

"Good afternoon, Mr. Gumby. Were you out hunting today?"

"Why yes. Yes, I was."

"Did you get anything?" Mr. Gumby shook his head. He’d been skunked. "That's too bad. Maybe you can help me with something. That strange, city fellow was in my office earlier. He says that he saw a naked man in the forest just outside of town this morning. See anyone like that?"

Mr. Gumby looked down at the sidewalk and said, "No..."

The constable continued, speaking softly, "I didn't think so. If you see someone that fits the description, could you let me know? I'll keep an eye out until that Dorking fellow leaves to go back home. Seems to me that's where he belongs. Sorry to have bothered you."

"Um, yes. No bother at all..." Mr. Gumby's cheeks reddened as Constable Marshall walked back to his office.

Mr. Gumby went into Edna's and waved hello. He ordered the special, and sat there, thinking how silly that whole conversation was.

A little voice inside his head interrupted his merriment. “Psst! You’re such a rebel! Maybe you should stop wearing underpants, you know…under your pants!"

Mr. Gumby’s face went white and he almost spilled his coffee.

The little voice spoke again. "Relax, will you? I’m only kidding! Have some chili while it’s still hot. Hey, hot chili! Get it?"

Mr. Gumby leaned back in his chair and started chuckling. Life could be so funny at times. The other customers heard him and started chuckling as well.

It was true: Laughter is infectious. If they only knew what they were laughing at…