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Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

There�s a story of an engineer happening on a talking frog. The frog made lavish promises to fulfill every fantasy and heart�s desire if restored to being a princess by a simple kiss of love from the engineer. Day after day, the same promises of fulfillment, yet the frog remained as is in the guy�s pocket. The engineer�s final reply? �I just don�t have time in my schedule for a relationship. But a talking frog? That�s cool!�

Redneck Professional Engineering Exam

1. Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that
will support a 10 pound possum.

2. Which of the following cars will rust out the quickest when
placed on blocks in your front yard?

A) �66 Ford Fairlane
B) '69 Chevrolet Chevelle
C) �64 Pontiac GTO

3. If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of 20
gallons of shine per hour, how many car radiators are necessary to
condense the product?

4. A pulpwood cutter has a chain saw that operates at 2700 rpm. The
density of the pine trees in a plot to be harvested is 470 per acre.
The plot is 2.3 acres in size. The average tree diameter is 14 inches.
How many Budweiser Tall-Boys will it take to cut the trees?

5. If every old refrigerator in the state vented a charge of R-12
simultaneously, what would be the decrease in the ozone layer?

6. A front porch is constructed of 2x8 pine on 24-inch centers with
a field rock foundation. The span is 8 feet and the porch length is 16
feet. The porch floor is 1 inch rough sawn pine. When the porch
collapses, how many hound dogs will be killed?

7. A man owns a Arkansas house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow
with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the
children place a mobile home on the man�s land?

8. A 2-ton pulpwood truck is overloaded and proceeding down a steep
grade on a secondary road at 45 mph. The brakes fail. Given the
average traffic loading of secondary roads, how many people will swerve to
avoid the truck before it crashes at the bottom of the mountain?

For extra credit, how many of the vehicles that swerved will have
mufflers and un-cracked windshields?

9. A Coal Mine operates a NFPA Class 1, Division 2 Hazardous Area.
The mine employs 120 miners per shift. A gas warning is issued at the
beginning of 3rd shift. How many cartons of unfiltered Camels will
be smoked during the shift?

10. How many generations will it take before cattle develop two legs
shorter than the others because of grazing along a mountainside?

Nice!

A nice video which is relevant...



"Utter social ineptitude"

John

I'm pretty sure God isn't a civil engineer. There's no way a civil engineer would have run all the sewer drains into a recreational area.

I do see more men riding his model than Henry fords though.

The wife and I are engineers.
Our son is an engineer married to an engineer, and they had a baby last month.
The wife and I took care of the grandkid for an hour, and to make the baby stop crying we sang to the baby.
The only song we knew how to sing together was the alphabet.
When the baby's parents showed up I told them we had to sing the alphabet.
Our son said that is the same song that they have been singing to the baby to get it to stop crying.

Great minds think alike.

We work with a lot of engineers and laugh at them cuz they only look you in the knees. Kinda feel sorry for some actually.

I always ask engineers if they became engineers because they had no common sense or was that educated out of them in college.

How do you know when you've met an extrovert engineer? He stares at your shoes when he talks to you.

An Englishman, a Frenchman and an Engineer were due to be executed by guillotine.

The Englishman was put in and he said "God Save the Queen.".
They dropped the blade but it stopped an inch above his neck. They decided it was divine intervention, so they let him go.

The Frenchman was put in and he said "Vive la France.".
They dropped the blade but it stopped an inch above his neck. They decided it was divine intervention, so they let him go.

The Engineer was put in and he said "You know, if you put in some cross braces and greased the runners this thing would work a lot better.".

In this real world engineers are a genuine benefit to our lives.

My closest family and friends are engineers.

One worked for 40 years for the worlds largest tool company and they are growing and making money and tools!

He retired with an excellent pension, lives in a large house on the mountain and both his children have doctorates.

Engineers.

I think many of the older engineers had real world experience before becoming engineers - today this is a rare event.

I worked for two engineering companies (Westinghouse and Sperry) that where highly successful until the companies were taken over by bean-counters. Then they died a quick death.

I worked for a one of the largest Rifle/Shotgun and ammo companies in the world. The engineers then, late 60's, were genuine gun nuts. Now the engineers there play golf and have little interest in shooting.I can see it in their product.

But the bottom line is that if a bean-counter takes over the company where you work make sure the head-hunters have your updated resume. Bean counters may not be stupid, they just act that way when they reach the management stage.

Well.... Older engineers were allowed to be only engineers and todays engineers have to cover every base from purchasing to marketing requirements.
Its always an engineers fault, but it seems like no one will go ahead till and engineer blesses it or gives in to a VP releasing the product too soon so they hit a deadline. Then they blame engineering later if it doesn't go right....

What's worse than an engineer in your living room?

Two engineers in your living room.
---

What's worse than two engineers in your living room?

Two engineers in your workshop trying to organize it.
---

What's worse than two engineers in your workshop?

Two engineers that find your tools and try to determine exactly what they're for and how they work.
---

What's worse than two engineers with tools?

Nothing.
---

I've seen grown men chew through their own necks rather than deal with engineers. Sadly, as these men were chewing through their necks, there were couple of engineers with calculators determining the most efficient method of chewing through one's neck.
---

What do you say to a smart engineer?

You do a great job of driving the train!

I read these to my wife and she said whats worse than an engineer in your living room... one in your bedroom.


I think I need to have a chat with her...

It's all good to make fun of engineers or any other profession. I suspect a couple of the more vitriolic among you, would probably be shoveling crap behind the elephant if not for engineers. Yea, a lot of us are a bit socially retarded, how many mountain men or woods dwellers aren't? Doesn't make them bad or stupid.

The thing I find amusing sorta, is how some shop guys love to stand around and criticize the engineers, but ask one to step up and come up with something himself and they typically stare at their shoes and mumble something about it not being their problem. So driving the train ain't something they are even willing to do.

I do agree with humdinger, it used to be that you could design stuff and help it get built in the shop. Nowadays, you find the work, bid on it, design it, draw it, bid it, do construction management, and then do training, sales and service for a couple of years after. The career has changed a bit, of course depends on what field you are in.

Sorry for the sidetrack, some good jokes on this thread.....

Pittu,

RIGHT ON BROTHER!

I've been in the mechanical engineering gig for a while and people don't realize its a "catch all' job because so many groups work together in product design, but so many of them rely on engineering input or to literally pick up the ball.

I remember working at one company where the lead assembly tech would have a "engineering design Jam session" where he liked to get the design engineer out on the line and "jam the design" up is Azz...

And I remember one day being at my hometown co-op oil paying for my gas and the mechanics were complaining about changing oil on slick looking ford probe and ripping on engineers... and that when I commented that the consumer bought the car for the sleek styling and easy oil change access wasn't a concern for them... thats why the consumer hires professional mechanics with hosits and tools to make it easier. No response came back from them... (Standard practice is to do servicability reviews on the equipment we design. Sometimes its a challenge to meet all the goals though)

So in the end... when there is a problem in the field and they need to send someone out... its an engineer teamed with a service guy, or worse yet, a salesman, and the engineer is the one that is usually welcomed. Or thrown into the lion pit with the other christians ;-)

How do you tell a good engineer from a bad engineer?

The good engineer stays an engineer.

The bad engineer becomes a manager.

There is a fair amount of truth to that, magshooter.

Pittu,

I spent 24 years in the chemical industry before being lured into the petroleum/oil refinery industry. Learned a thing or two along the way.

Many a Dilbert cartoon on that theme:

Jeez, the second frame of that last Dilbert nails it....The longer you hang around the more "general" knowledge you end up with and the more likely you are to be "promoted".

or become a SME.... Subject matter expert. I get pulled into all sorts of things because I have a basic knowledge of too many things.

I just spent 4 days building a block retaining wall for an engineer who's wife was an accountant. Then we filled the area to be leveled with fresh topsoil.

Everybody knows what I've been through. Home recovering today.