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These glorious insults are from an era before the English language got boiled down to 4-letter words:



INSULTS WITH WIT AND WISDOM.

� A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease."
� "That depends, Sir," said Disraeli, "whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."

� "He had delusions of adequacy." - Walter Kerr

� "He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill

� "I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." Clarence Darrow


� "He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." - William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway).

� "Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." - Moses Hadas

� "I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." - Mark Twain

� "He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.." - Oscar Wilde

� "I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." - George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill.
� "Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second, if there is one." - Winston Churchill, in response.

� "I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." - Stephen Bishop

� "He is a self-made man and worships his creator." - John Bright

� "I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." - Irvin S. Cobb

� "He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." - Samuel Johnson

� "He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." - Paul Keating

� "In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." - Charles, Count Talleyrand

� "He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." - Forrest Tucker

� "Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" - Mark Twain

� "His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." - Mae West

� "Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." - Oscar Wilde

� "He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts... for support rather than illumination." - Andrew Lang (1844-1912)

� "He has Van Gogh's ear for music." - Billy Wilder

� "I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx

A similar one from Twain:
He went to visit a minister to make arrangements for his own funeral, just in case.
Twain: I'd like to be cremated.
Minister: That's already been arranged.

Churchill was always good for a bunch:

Lady Astor: �if I was your wife sir I would poison your coffee.� Churchill: �if I was your husband i would drink it.�

Member of Parliment: �Mr. Churchill must you fall asleep while I�m speaking?�
Churchill: �No, it�s purely voluntary.�

Winston Churchill to Admiral Mountbatten: "What could you hope to achieve except to be sunk in a bigger and more expensive ship this time?"

Bessie Braddock: 'Sir, you are drunk.'
Winston Churchill: 'Madam, you are ugly. And I shall be sober in the morning.'

Sir;
When you get home I home your mother runs from the steps and bites you! unknown

"We're on equal footing: neither of us know what you are talking about."

"I never saw anyone work so hard at being mediocre"

(Me, to a co-worker)

Yes. Sadly, it's rare to see that kind of talent in today's world.

True, today witicisms begin and end with "F.U.".

A slight edit, if you'll allow it, would be GFY instead of F.U.

I like to use the line: "You are a legend in your own mind, and only there."

I used a career ending witicism with a [bleep] boss years ago, when I was late for a bullshit meeting, went something like this:
"Glad you could make it..."

"And I'm sorry I could make it only in person, rather than in spirit..."

A vaccaous look followed, with the eventual glimmer of comprehension...yeppers didn't last long...

Early 80s personal ad in local paper: To whomever stole my canoe; I sincerely hope you sink and drown while your mother runs up and down the beach barking hopelessly.

May all your children be born w/ 10 fingers and 10 toes.

On each hand.

mike r

Your greatest gift is making everyone else look better.