A member of Parliament to Disraeli: "Sir, you will either die on the gallows or of some unspeakable disease.”

"That depends, Sir," said Disraeli,"whether I embrace your policies or your mistress."



"He had delusions of adequacy." -Walter Kerr



"He has all the virtues I dislike and none of the vices I admire." - Winston Churchill



"I have never killed a man, but I have read many obituaries with great pleasure." -Clarence Darrow



"He has never been known to use a word that might send a reader to the dictionary." -William Faulkner (about Ernest Hemingway)



"Thank you for sending me a copy of your book; I'll waste no time reading it." -Moses Hadas



"I didn't attend the funeral, but I sent a nice letter saying I approved of it." -Mark Twain



"He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends." -Oscar Wilde



"I am enclosing two tickets to the first night of my new play; bring a friend, if you have one." -George Bernard Shaw to Winston Churchill



"Cannot possibly attend first night, will attend second . . . if there is one." -Winston Churchill, in response



"I feel so miserable without you; it's almost like having you here." -Stephen Bishop



"He is a self-made man and worships his creator." -John Bright



"I've just learned about his illness. Let's hope it's nothing trivial." -Irvin S. Cobb



"He is not only dull himself; he is the cause of dullness in others." -Samuel Johnson



"He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up." -Paul Keating



"In order to avoid being called a flirt, she always yielded easily." -Charles, Count Talleyrand



"He loves nature in spite of what it did to him." -Forrest Tucker



"Why do you sit there looking like an envelope without any address on it?" -Mark Twain



"His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork." -Mae West



"Some cause happiness wherever they go; others, whenever they go." -Oscar Wilde



"He uses statistics as a drunken man uses lamp-posts . . . for support rather than illumination." -Andrew Lang (1844-1912)



"He has Van Gogh's ear for music." -Billy Wilder



"I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But I'm afraid this wasn't it." -Groucho Marx

"You appear to be an unwashed fellator with Oedipal tendencies and canine ancestry!"

I used that one regularly when referring to several of my ghetto students. Few, if any, were able to translate.

"I bet you're the kind of guy who could get a complete physical examination by a proctologist."

LMAO
Good post

Winston Churchill and Mark Twain were masters at the insult craft.

What can I say about your wife that hasn't already been said about Afghanistan?

Churchill and Lady Astor hated one another, but being aristocrats they attended most of the same functions. At one gathering Lady Astor looked at Churchill and said, "If I were married to you, I would give you poison." Winston looked at her and said, "If I were married to you, I would drink it."

It astounds me how you contrive to get yourself in the company of women such as she when most would beg impotency!

Bessie Braddock MP: “Winston, you are drunk, and what’s more you are disgustingly drunk.”

WSC: “Bessie, my dear, you are ugly, and what’s more, you are disgustingly ugly. But tomorrow I shall be sober and you will still be disgustingly ugly.”

Describing a black hooker's gold tooth: Bawdy dogstar in the ordurous jaw of Fellatio Major.
Cormac McCarthy

I refuse to discuss it with you. I will not get in a duel of wits with an unarmed man.
RB

You are nowhere near as bad as they all say.

During a studio "wrap party," on the completion of photography of A Bill of Divorcement,, 1932, the co star, Kathrine Hepburn walked up to the star, John Barrymore, who was savoring a few cocktails and said, "Mr. Barrymore, I want you to know I am very happy I shall never have to act with you again."

Barrymore took a drink, looked at her and said, "My dear, I didn't know you ever had."

L.W.

You can insult the hell out of someone and get away with it if you give em a big smile after you say it. I had an old boss that was a master of that craft.

My wife likes to watch The Weakest Link. They have some good insults that are worth remembering.

In case of a water landing, who's here that we can use their head as a floatation device... 😁

My favorite one that I used on engineers, the college you attended owes your parents a rebate on your tuition. 😛

If I’m having a bad day.
Ambrose Bierce’s writings always bring me back……..

Look, Skippy, I do not have enough patience, or enough crayons, to draw enough pictures to adequately explain this to you......

I'm not very good at it. Best I can do is GFY. Succinct tho.

One of my favorite writers!

Aye, and you've yet to learn that you could practice silence and leave folk wondering about your ignorance, but you insist on confirming it.
RB

"She married the best the man in town, it was a very small town mind you"

Bierce is one of my favorite satirists.
Definition: Lawyer; A person trained in circumvention of the law”.

"You couldnt find your own azz with both hands and a flashlight"

There is that!

Basis for the Gregory Peck movie Old Gringo. He was good in it.
Others in it……well

Young lady I knew, "I feel like a conniving slut".

Me, "... You're not conniving."

And some have specialized in circumcision of the law.

"Wisdom has chased you but you have always been faster"

"Am I fat? he asked his friend...
Friend:- "I know 5 fat people and you are 4 of them"

Yes! My old friend Sirius. There you are!

Then there is this classic;

Ya don’t sweat much for a fat gal!


Apologies to LBP. 😎😉

"He's a large turd in a small cesspool."

I used to say that in reference to my hometowns big shots that had never lived anywhere else.


After selling his large successful business my grandpa asked a local woman if she would sleep with him for a million dollars. She thought about it for a few minutes and then replied "yes, she would". He then asked if she'd sleep with him for $10. She then got upset and said "what do you think I am". He replied, "We've already decided that now we're just arguing over price".

Bb

At work we used:

"He's not very good but he sure is slow"

"He does it nice cause he'll do it twice"

"Quality takes time but not that much time"

Sarcasm, no extra charge...

"Your wife is so fat, she buys her dresses at Davus Tent and Awning."

Good thread here; especially for someone like me that needs to plagiarize some of these witty insults to use on others. Wish that I were articulate and creative enough to come up with stuff like that on my own. There;.... I confessed to one of my shortcomings.

"If you don't have time to do it right, how will you ever find the time to do it over?"

"You're just like my old hound dog- - - -if you can't eat it or screw it, you pizz on it!"

"If your brain was gasoline, it wouldn't run a pizzant's motor scooter halfway around a BB!"

"You say you live by your wits- - - -I guess half a life is better than none at all!"

Doc to Chester on a Gunsmoke episode: “ You could put your brain in a mustard seed and it’d roll around like a peanut in a boxcar”.

Smile and say : don’t be a fool.
It never offends anyone

The most heartfelt insult I have ever heard was when a female neighbour was talking about her employer. She said that he should have been left on the sheets to dry.

She meant it.

"Your Mama should have swallowed you!"

"It's too bad your Mother didn't believe in the Lewinsky method of birth control!"

I hate to see things wasted. The air that you breathe for example.

Well.....bless....your.....heart......

When I worked in the solder factory, they put me out on the floor to cross-train in the casting area. I was 6'4". My supervisor was about 4'0" One day, I came on shift and the guy who'd just gone home had assed up things, and I was sent to fix it. I was down on the floor, rearranging 20 lb billets when the super came out and started reaming me.

About halfway through the abuse, I got off the floor where I was feeling cramped and stood up to my full height. The super suddenly changed his tune.

"You're probably thinking right now that I should not be reaming you for someone else's F---up." he said.

I just looked at him.

"You're probably sizing me up right about now, figuring how you're going to pound me into the concrete if I don't shut up."

I just kept looking at him. I was too busy stretching my bones. I hurt.

"I should prolly just shut the f--- up and let you get back to work."

"Have a good one, Boss. " I said, as he left.

I'd pretty well forgotten that scene. I'd gotten to really like the guy, and we'd been quite friendly. He knew I was the only one in IT that cared about Casting, and he knew he could always rely on me to do right for his guys. About 5 years later, we were in the Plant Manager's office. We'd both come to see his secretary.

All of a sudden, the super brought up that scene from 5 years back, with the secretary watching. You could tell the incident had been eating on him all this time.

"You know," he said. "I could have taken you that day."

"I have no doubt," I replied.

"No, I really mean it," he said. "You ask anyone. I could have taken you."

"I'm sure of it," I said. "I know exactly what you mean."

"How's that?"

"My dad's brother came out of the Army Air Corp as a heavyweight boxing champion after WWII. He wanted to stop fighting, but he was always getting picked on by guys who had something to prove. One night a midget challenged Uncle Henry to a fight, and Henry tried to laugh him off. That midget jumped up and grabbed Henry by the shirt collar and hoisted himself up and beat Henry to a bloody pulp. My family has had great respect for folks like that ever since."

My old supervisor turned red and his veins popped, and he stormed out of the secretary's office, slamming the door as he went.

"I think I just took him," I said to the secretary. She agreed.

"That woman is so ugly that screwing her would be like shooting pool with a piece of overcooked spaghetti!"

Tag

Remember that even overcooked spaghetti will dry out and get stiff again...usually about closing time.

He was the type of fella that sat on the front pew of the church when his mamma and daddy got married.

My friend and fellow principal used this phrase to describe a student that we both had dealings with. Yeah, I know you’re not supposed to end a sentence with a preposition. We were in mixed company, a female attendance officer and female guidance counselor. It went right over their heads and neither caught on.

I just remembered this one from my freshman year in college. A goofball popped up with what he thought was a witty comment about his conception. He said his father pulled out and shot a load onto the wall, but he ricocheted off the wall and hit a bullseye. A guy with a quick wit said the best part stuck to the wall.

I haven't read through all of this thread, but one of my Winston Churchill favorites:

"You can always count on the Americans to do the right thing. After they've exhausted all the other options."

He was so spot-on with that assessment.

I've seen monkey schit fights at the zoo better organized than this! Jack Warden "The Replacements"

You Sir, " have no love affair of the truth"

You really are bent on testing my ability to see the best in people.

i am busier than a jumper cable in the parking lot of a mexican wedding. ( california insult )

I can explain to you, but I can't understand it for you.

"He ain't got a noddin' acquaintance with the truth, let alone a speakin' one!"

One from work - "3 million sperm cells and YOU were the winner? "

A father I knew was examining his son's wrecked pick-up at the mechanic shop

"Sometimes I think the best part of him ran down his mother's leg"

“Egotist, n. A person of low taste, more interested in himself than in me.”
― Ambrose Bierce, The Unabridged Devil's Dictionary

The Twain speaks...

...he wasn't a very heavy weight, intellectually. His head was an hour-glass; it could stow an idea, but it had to do it a grain at a time, not the whole idea at once.
- A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court

Endowed with a stupidity which by the least little stretch would go around the globe four times and tie.
- Mark Twain in Eruption

I do not believe I could learn to like her except on a raft at sea with no other provisions in sight. (regarding Lilian Aldrich)
- Mark Twain in Eruption

You’re smarter than you look!

Useless as a leaky douchebag.

Golf is a good walk spoiled. -Twain

"I don't like half of the people I love."
Elvin Bishop

He's got stupid down to a science.

From a co-worker, referring to another, universally reviled and hated, co-worker: "You know, you just can't insult that SOB, and God knows I've tried."

What an incredibly vile thing to say to any child.

Wow some good stuff.. if I could only remember some of these for the opportune time.

One from way back in HS:
I'd come back with a come back but all the cum is in the back of your mouth,,,

The closest you will come to a brainstorm is a light drizzle.

I'm still deciding whether you are the weakest link or missing link.

lolololol

You are proof the gene pool needs lifeguards.

Or chlorine shock.

Entirely appropriate for the incredibly vile devil seed I was expected to educate. Most of them couldn't remember when anyone in their family had ever had a job - - - -for the past three generations. "Ain't nobody in my family gots no job- - - - -we gets a check! Jobs are for suckas!" They knew a lot about stealing cars, and nothing about fixing them. Now a few of those kids who came to me as worthless ghetto trash own their own auto repair shops, and the taxes they pay contribute toward my retirement.

The fact that you would speak to a child in such an insulting manner speaks more to your circumstances and limitations than theirs.

Even worse, to brag about it and then try to justify it.

To each his own and we are obviously of diametrically opposed views of the issue.

Go check the balance on your EBT card. One of your Baby Mamas probably needs to buy one of your kids some ammo so he can rob the 7-11.

He was well known for casting stones, you could hardly get a mirror set down before he would send one flying at it.

A physical put-down, rather than on one's mental or moral lack of quality, but:

(She or He) is easier to jump over than walk around.

"Are you australian, by any chance?"

You must come from the shallow end of the gene pool.

It is obvious I cannot elevate you to my level, and I refuse to descend to yours. Therefore; I extend to you the last thing you want from a well educated, capable and accomplished black man in America …my sympathy; my deep and abiding sympathy.

What in HRL's post made you imagine a black person was involved?

As a friend used to say, "don't waste your time wrestling with pigs. You just get dirty, and the pig enjoys it.".

I like that one!

Your lips are so big, you can whisper in your own ear.

Were brains dynamite, you couldn't blow your nose.
RB

If I talked as much you I'd need another set of lips.

As good looking as Daddy dearest

You have an entire life to be an idiot.

Why not take today off?

Vile and disgusting…..you’re better than that. 😂

Sheesh.

Because, naturally, to a "well educated, capable and accomplished black man", anything and everything that could even be remotely considered insulting, derogatory or degrading in any way, regardless of whom or what it was directed at, is, if said by a white person, without a doubt, directed towards blacks as systemic racism.

I've worked with many "well educated, capable and accomplished" black people over the years, and as soon as two or more were together, the "well educated, capable and accomplished" immediately reverted to and acted the same as the lowest common denominator in the group.