I am at my wits end with my marriage of nearly 23 years and feel I am at the end.

It is indeed time to part ways.

For those who have been through it what are the correct steps to do it correctly?

get a therapist to bitch to when she does everything she can to piss you off, they are way cheaper than talking to your lawyer and 99.9% of the time, what you think is "important" isn't.

expect to lose most of what you have saved/ gained so far in life.

stay away from alcohol at least til its over, with the exception of a weekend camping/fishing with the guys to get away. even then don't over do it.

watch out for traps she might set.

What kind of traps should I watch for?

whole lot of different ways that can be right.....how my wife did it with her ex? finely didnt give a chit if he killed her and agreed to anything that would get him out of her life......

if kids are involved its alot more complicated than not......if she is pissed at you it can get real bad......if you both are willing to call it quits and just want to get it overwith and dont want to [bleep] over the other it can be down right easy and not need lawyers.....

Leave.

Sorry to hear it, honestly. That said, and not to sound difficult, but it's a lawyer you need to speak to ASAP. You may get some good advice/insight here, but the most important thing in this, for anyone, is to be properly represented. Best of luck.

pretty much, if you think there is a chance at all she is gonna be pissed bout something in this get a lawyer....

A lot depends on your state's laws. If you have "no fault divorce" it's quite simple.
Assets acquired since marriage are 50/50. If you have income and she has not, you may get tagged with alimony until she remarries or is "rehabilitated" (trained to work). Kids under 21 ? Bend over. Don't move out until the court orders you to.
Make sure the family house gets sold as soon as any kids are gone or if she remarries.
See if your state has the provision that "habitually cohabitating with a person of the opposite sex is grounds for the termination of alimony." (if she shacks up the alimony stops) My attorney won that case before the NYS Court of Appeals (NY's highest court).

You need to find a GOOD attorney who is SPECIALIST in divorce.

It will get tough but don't get rolled as you'll pay forever.

Good luck, you will survive !

Kids are 20 years 8 months and 21 years 7 months.....
Realy just money and propery and 23 years worth of belongings

Go talk to a lawyer vs. asking a bunch of dudes on the internet.

I understand the lawyer is a must do. I was just looking for the "what to avoids" from those who have had to go through it.

There are So many variables to your question.

Kids?
Home owner?
Investments?

Depending on your property(cash,realestate,investments) involved will determine how easy/difficult it will be to finalize a divorce.

Best advice right now would be to STAY COOL! Do not 'cause any Animosity between you both. In my experience(Lol, I have alot) you fued during the divorce, it will only cost you more $$ in the end.

Basically you are going to pay her not to live with you. End of story.

Did she have a career? or home maker?

House 2/3 paid for
1 car with 24 payments to go....hers
the rest of everything else... truck, boat,and 23 years of stuff is paid for

Kids a grown

She works as a secratary and I am a journyman machinist and welder and make over 2x what she does.

I had a guy tell me this the other day so take it for what its worth because I never tried it.


Get a GOOD attorney. Find out the six best dirvorce attorneys where you live and go visit with all them. Pick the nastiest (best) one you can find. She can't hire the other five because you have spoken to them already.

Dink

Take the high road in all things.

If there are children NEVER say bad things about the ex to them, if ya can't say something good say nothing at all.

Don't look back. Live your life.

Don't look for someone else too soon. It will find you in time and you know now how you DO NOT want a relationship to be. Be patient.

Breathe. Do things you always wanted to do. It will eventually heal you.
( I rode a lot of horses.... )

Excellent advice right there....

two I can think of from experience are:

1. getting you so frustrated and pissed off (pushing your buttons) that you do something that's out of character....first wife

2. thinking that it's a lost cause...second wife...we nearly divorced last year after 10 yrs of marriage (came within 30 days)...we had run away from our problems for too long and all the little things had become big problems.....bottom line, we started really communicating again, faced all of our problems and recommitted ourselves to keeping our faith central to our marriage....we have been happier for the last 5 months than we ever were before...at the risk of sounding sappy, she really is my best friend

best piece of advice I have to give: be very careful who's advice you take during times like these.....make sure it's someone who really knows you and your situation...a person who will call you out if you are making a mistake and/or help you think straight if divorce is inevitable, which is hard to do


whatever happens for you....good luck

Positive..
1.The kids are adult's
2.She has alway's worked and continues to work

Negative..
1. You may have to sell your home & split the equity
2. There may be a percentage of your income she has a right to.

My suggestion would be to hire an Atty, and settle asap. If she ask's for alimony, try to give your larger sum of the home equity, or whatever neccessary to pay her off and be outta your life.

Good news is your single and starting over without having to split notta with nobody anymore. What you purchase is 100% yours my friend.

Becareful with divorce atty's, they can get very greedy. Get quotes before hiring!

With wife one, I just wanted her to go away as peacefully as possible. I gave her the house, child support, all furniture, etc. She decided to exact her pound of flesh, I found the dirtiest, slime ball lawyer in the county and started a counter suite. It was money well spent, she backed off.
Wife two wanted me to go away so I made it as easy as possible for her as long as I was left with something to start over with. I drew up the property settlement and sent her one her way. Her lawyer was surprised at how easy I was to get along with, once he worked it out there was no wiggle room in the settlement. My lawyer was appalled and wanted to change the settlement, no wiggle room there either.
Wife two saw what I did to wife one and didn't want that mud fight.
Once you decide to get rid of a wife decide what you're going to do and stick to it. Lawyers don't give a rats ass, as long as they get paid. Shop around, every community has a mad dog lawyer, learn his name, use him only if you have to.
Be honest and generous until she starts to get greedy and/or vindictive, then take the gloves off.

Jim

Retain council for the legal end, and time will help the rest.

Don't be surprised if she informs you that the firearms, tools, toys, etc. you acquired after you were married are community property. Her lawyer will inform her.

Went thru it 25 yrs ago, can't say it was much fun. Hope it goes well, some do.

I have only done it once. I gave her everything, there wasn't much. I took all the debt, there was lots of that and it was all hers. The as soon as I was divorced I declared BR and she got stuck with all her debt. Then I stole the kids and got away with it. I understand she is living in NM somewhere but have had no contact with her in over thirty years. I went the cheap way. Filled out the paperwork and filed it in court myself. Total cost was around two hundred. Since was was physically and sexually abusing he kids and committing welfare fraud she could not fight me.

Going thru that right now, hire a att. ,be very careful what is said on a phone, believe me never say anything about their mother, and sell off any guns(cheap to a friend that can be bought back) the less you get the less has to be spilt.It is community property. Change your benficiaries now and live your life. I guess your vacation to Fl next month is out, and I am sorry to hear that if that's the way it is headed.
Get an Atty. and the quicker the better, go for no fault.
I know what you are going thru, and if you want good a deer hunt in AL for 2012 let me know, we go down every year , have a great time, good fellowship and a lot of good folks.
I know from your posts that you hunt better places, but you can't beat the people and hunt in AL. Do not leave without your guns, you will lose them, believe me I know.

The kids are grown you're home free. Get a damn good, mean lawyer

Best tactic if you're in a small community is to book 30 minutes-1 hr with each pit bull lawyer, sit down, and review your case. Next thing you know, you'll have spent a few bucks... but none of them will be able to represent her, even if you never talk to them again. If you're in a big city, knock out the big guns.

Try to keep cool and don't get angry. My guess she will get 1/2 of everything, and you will have to pay alimony. At this point it is all about money and assets. Don't try to hide assets...they will find them.

This will be very expensive for both of you. Try to figure out what will be divided before the attorneys step in..they love it when you have to argue over who gets the chair etc. The more you fight, the more you both lose in the end.

Do not threaten her in any way, or you can kiss your guns good-by.

Agreed!

You won't understand this until it's over but...
Get it over with ASAP!!!!

Work through this period if at all possible, even if it seems impossible. A marriage is like any other living thing, that which does not kill it makes it stronger.

If it still fails after valiant (and honest) efforts to save it, then I strongly urge you to re-read the post about taking the high road. Certainly you need to protect yourself but the idea of getting the nastiest [bleep]***** around to legally bludgeon the mother of your kids is not a good plan in the long run.

Things are nice, but no matter how nice, they are just things. Sacrificing your integrity and self respect for things is a bad, bad idea.

I tried to be as fair and calm as I could and looked out for her future welfare as much as possible while still fending off the bitter, rancorous vitriol spewing from her. Seven years later I do not carry any guilt or shame about my actions.

After two years of hating me she figured out (sort of) that hatred only hurts the hater and we are actually on very good terms now.







As a side note, a 23 year old girl friend will help get you through this. Or was that why I got divorced...? Oh well, see above.

Kids are grown you don't have to be nice, even if and when she wants to be "friends". Each and every situation is different.
I'd talk to my kids mom in a heartbeat but not the last one. [bleep] that bytch, is how I feel about that ex, and that won't change, ever. We broke up 9 years ago, I Have not spoke to her in over 7, and only then because she called and I didn't have caller ID. Won't again if I can help it.

Things change, love stinks, move on...

If you have underage kids play by a different rule for them until they are grown, then do as you please.... Nice ain't necessary.

Naa, I'm not bitter...........

Here are a few good lawyer referral numbers for MO, FYI:

http://apps.americanbar.org/legalservices/lris/directory/main.cfm?id=MO

I must respectfully disagree with all this talk of 'taking the high road'. Your kids are grown; and make no mistake about it, this is a war. If you're gonna get divorced, it's gonna be a war. Our legal system is adversarial by nature, and her lawyer is gonna do everything he/she can, at the direction of "the mother of your kids", to castrate you financially...and it'll all affect you mentally, emotionally, and spiritually...in addition to punishing you financially. My advise is to hire the biggest, baddest, junkyard dog [bleep]****** lawyer you can afford. And let him/her know upfront that you want to proceed with a kickin' ass and 'take no prisoners' attitude...and you put forth the required effort necessary to maintain that attitude throughout this awful episode in your life. And it is awful. You will get through this better, and come out better, with the type of attitude and mindset that I just described...as opposed to a 'take the high road' attitude and mindset. There will be plenty of time afterwards for reflection and introspection and healing...and that's the time for all of that...afterwards! You're gonna see [bleep] from her that you never thought possible. You gotta get your mind right in order to get through this crap, and come out of it as good as possible for you!

Best wishes and good luck.

You got a life insurance policy? Get rid of it.Some will go that far.Never assume her ethics will be the same as yours.Close the credit card accounts.Just because you cut up the credit cards does not mean she will.Dont be mean just be safe.

SSS...




just kidding

Went thru it the past 4 years!! Ending a 29 year marriage is not always easy.. Some real good advice here and some, well let me tell you how to piss a judge off really quick.. Start "selling" marital assets to friends and family.

Get a lawyer and follow what they tell you.
+1 CLOSE ALL CREDIT CARDS...ASAP LIKE YESTERDAY.. I can give you 52,098 reasons for that!!!

op - i've never been divorced, so have no experience in these matters. however, i do wish you well and hope the transition to single life is a smooth one. good luck (and get a good divorce attorney).

I've been through two
( some of us are slower learners )

It can eat you up or you can make the mental changes to keep that from happening.
It sounds like you have accepted and thats a good first step.

Now, cover your azz and keep everything you can.
Make sure you get all your possetions.
But remember they are just things and can be replaced.
The real important things are family heirlooms, photos etc. The stuff... that can not be replaced.

Best advice I can give is don't make the lawyers richer.

Even though the kids are grown and hopefully out of the house, a divorce will still have an impact on them. Exhaust all avenues of "working it out" first.

A divorce is very rarely just one party's fault.

Traps??? If she wants to up your life insurance. :grin

You looking for legal advice?

Lawyer up. Shut up.

Worst thing you could possibly do, right there.

Lawyer up; shut up.

Best advice right there.

And you want local attorneys, divorce specialists, and you want EVERYTHING. Be the first to file, open with both barrels blazing.

Easy. Just remember that no matter what, the kids (if any) come first. Remember that.
Do what is best for them, not what you think is best for you.

Take that as a FACT- worked for me!

This is actually a good tactic.

Extremely good.

The other thing....

'thorn, realize that if you're thinking this, she probably has been as well. If you think she hasn't thought about, or talked to, an attorney yet.... you're likely dead wrong.

Lawyer up; shut up.

Now.

Ted, have you clued her in that this is where you're headed? If not, don't!

Other advice given re: lawyers...get one, get a DIVORCE ATTORNEY, not the family attorney that made out your will, but a divorce attorney. Conflict out other good divorce attorneys in the area by consulting with them. If you live in a major metro area, that might be too many to deal with. Protect yourself, be the first to "open fire" legally. Get leverage, and keep it.

Sean:

I don't think he realizes you mean shut up here.

- Tom

Quite right.

Thanks for pointing that out.

<sigh>

Finally a voice of sanity.

Amen to this. Watch out for the accumulation of billable hours! they are very good at that part.

==================

Virginia,via a circuit court ruling about 7 years ago and after hearing all the "conflicted out" game-playing,ruled a initial consult did not automatically bar the lawyer from taking the other spouse on as a client. It's a case by case scenario test but if nothing is disclosed that wouldn't have to be disclosed anyways, the conflict doesn't preclude the retention of the other spouse. Further,experienced divorce lawyers have been keen to the tactic for a good many years and,as a consequence, charge between 350-500 for their consults. I don't think it wise to risk two grand for such a strategy, especially given your long marriage and the court's propensity to divide assets of long time marriage 50/50.You should also know other states have adopted this court's line of thinking in that reagrd,as well.

Lastly, were you to implement some of the advice given here, you'll spend far more on a lawyer who has to clean up your mistakes. There has been advice given in this thread stream that's appallingly opposite of what you should consider doing.

You have a house,maybe with equity,a alimony issue and maybe a pension division issue. Family law lawyers who've walked the courthouse hallways for many years could do a divorce such as yours in their sleep. At your age,I can probably say with confidence you have friends who've BTDT with their divorce and they'd be a great first source for referrals.

Let me assure you that after 1 1/2 hours with a good divorce lawyer,if you don't leave that office with a great deal of stress lifted off your shoulders, get another lawyer. If you retain him/her, you listen to them and them only until they give you reason not to.

Plenty of talented lawyers here who are experienced in this field so please know my opinion is simply one of however many you have now.

get ready to grab your ankles! went down thsi road in 1999' i ended up paying fro 1/2 her education


ML

I would first hire a divorce attorney then leave with only my personal belongings. Rent a decent apartment and have no direct contact with her until everything has been settled. That may protect you from TRO's and and stalking, harassment, etc lawsuits which could result in the loss of your guns. No phone calls, no emails, no letters, no nothing that doesn't go through your attorney. Get an unlisted number, change your email and get a PO box for your mail.

Be prepared to split everything 50/50. You might have to pay some alimony but it won't be much. You were smart to postpone this until after the kids were grown. If you both maintain a modicum of cool you should be able to settle this without too much going to attorneys.

Your idea, fwiw, constitutes "abandonment" in many jurisdictions, and is flatly stupid on it's face accordingly.

Yep...always best to have at least a partial agreement that one's relo from the marital home shall not constitute fault and the remaining occupant is prohibited from alleging such a cause of action.

Thus the paramount suggestion to the OP to "lawyer up, and SHUT UP... now".

Listen to Sean and Bob they know whats best and are good at what they do

Bob's the pro at it; I've just done it and been through it.

First thing, divorces are like snowflakes, no two are alike. So don't take anybody's "advice" too seriously. For example, two posters on here have given you advice from a Sopranos episode....


What I did was give her most of everything. Waved BIG cash under her nose so she'd take the short route and I'd pay less over the long term (she never worked).

My children were/are little so I have always been careful not to bad mouth her around the kids.

In the end I am very, very happy. I see my kids every week and will be having them more often soon. That is all I cared about to be honest.

Remember this: "If you wake up in a one bedroom apartment sleeping on the floor with one blanket and a rolled up jacket for a pillow, and all you can think about is how much you miss your bed and 50" screen TV. You were not ready for divorce. "If however you wake up in the same apartment in the same conditions and thank Christ for not having to wake up to that same ol' b*tch any more, you were ready for divorce..."

Sorry for the long post.


Travis

P.S.

TALK to your family and friends about it.

I wasn't smart enough to get out of the field,like yourself.

I wasn't smart enough to stay in....

Ding ding ding! We have a winner! DO THIS! I did

How can it be abandonment when she stays in the house? If you are in each others face everyday there is too much chance to do something that will cost you big. Best to get out but I'm no attorney and would defer to the brilliant barristers around here.

YOU left. Abandonment on YOUR part. YOU leave, and she has YOU for abandonment, and has that leverage in the proceedings. Very, very bad idea.

That's the problem with the "good advice" from folks who don't have a freakin' clue as to the legal, technical, and actual impacts of such suggestions.

Bob or Sean,

If I may hijack for a moment, when I was going through my divorce my lawyer stated that the paranoia over the ex getting your guns was just that, paranoia. This was two years ago.

He stated the court typically sees these as personal items and that it would have to be an extraoridnary circumstance for those to be laid on the negotiating table. i.e. An actual INVESTMENT into a collection worth a schit ton of money.

He said her coming after my modest collection of guns would be the equivalent of me going after her grandmas wedding ring and Coach purses.

Is this true in other states? I ask because I always hear about guys hiding their 5-6 M700's and 10-22's from their ex. Isn't that pointless?


Travis

You're not abandoning the house,Spano,you're abandoning her.

Depends ENTIRELY on the state, and when/how the property was acquired.

Remember: the meanest, nastiest and most combative attorney is likely the one who has also pissed off every Judge in the County. Judges learn pretty quick who makes reasonable arguments and they tune out 90% of the venom that comes from the aforementioned types. Just my $0.02 worth. Best of luck to you.

-----------

I agree with your counsel. Guns,golf clubs,and camping equipment are often quid pro quo for her mom's china,heirlooms and jewelry.

Most often,the wife isn't going to fork out 2500 for a appraisal and a quick trade or barter is most often worked out when it comes to that type personalty.

I have recommended removing husband's guns from home so that wife couldn't grab them and hold one hostage,though.

Or, use the same latter bunch w/n a restraining order or trumped up abuse charge that then goes felony with possession access....

Myriad BAD things can happen, if either party wants them to, and the other party isn't smart enough to STFU and lawyer up.

Thanks.

My lawyer advised I get them out of her house as well.


Travis

No time to read the whole thread, so I may be repeating things. My suggestions.

#1. Make damned sure this is absolutely necessary.
#2. Do not allow yourself to get angry under any circumstance. Prepare yourself to walk away from any sort of antagonism. You will only loose if you do not.
#3. Keep your mouth shut.

And #4.) Good luck, man. From personal experience I can tell you that a divorce with kids involved - regardless of their ages - is a killer. Even regardless of how much you may want it, it is still a tough sumbitch.

Yes. What I was referring to was more the "sell them all to your buddy for $200.00" advice I always see.


Travis

I know of no ruling like that here in Alabama, but that sounds like a good ruling. I do know that among the divorce bar in the major metro area, most do charge a substantial consultation fee to thwart this, and people simply trying to get free advice to do it themselves. So there is the matter of it being costly.

Also, as I stated, in a major metro area, there would be too many to conflict out, but in a small town (like where I work), it would be easy to do, and a good tactic...out of town divorce attorneys aren't treated well when they don't know the "local rules".

One thing to remember is to stay cool, don't piss her off, and don't do or say anything that could in any way be construed as a threat. Most judges won't flinch for a second at signing a Temporary Restraining Order in conjunction with a divorce.... and even if it's temporary, in many states, you need to surrender your firearms while it's pending....

I would not leave the house either! No way, no how! Let her be the one to leave.
And if you have a bunch of guns, and I don't mean a few, but a bunch...if she lists them as a marital asset (acquired during the marriage), then the Court will see she has a claim to half their worth...just like the other marital assets. So be forewarned. One other thing...

Retain faith and confidence that you will prevail in the end, and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be. - The Stockdale Principle

Best wishes and good luck

That's unecessarily silly,imo. Doesn't stop the other from assigning value to the weapons and seeking a monetary award. Fraudulent transfers and game playing such as that really isn't productive,pisses judges off and exacerbates the already hated attorney's fees.

Plus, you gotta go in to court straight up and decent to your judge, as the moment a divorce judge sees you as a scheming con and dishonest, you're [bleep]' toast, if you'll forgive my ugly but accurate legal slang.

I hear you. It's clearly the exception to the rule.But, I loved hearing the door being opened on that one. And,as a general fine line rule to follow;if it has even the slightest taint of "appearance of impropiety",what family law attorney would want to stay in the case anyways? It's a nightmare waiting to happen.

<laughing>

I am still convinced where children are not involved it is best to get out and stay out. Remember we are talking no fault divorce here. Otherwise there are too many opportunities lose your temper and do something really stupid.

Again I will defer to a legal opinion.

I don't believe it matters in community property states either Spano, if custody isn't involved.

I agree, but actually consulting with 3 or 4 of the best divorce attorneys around, and picking one...hard to see the impropriety in that.

Agreed. I was trying to articulate the lawyer fighting for his fee and tackling the "conflicted-out" motion.

Every state, and even the jurisdictions within each state differ. But if a party wants a divorce, and simply decides to change residence, there's no "abandonment issue" here in AL. You leave, file for divorce, and go through the process. There's no disadvantage here. There may be in some states, don't know.

Abandonment is abandonment, and if there and if there are kids involved, you just compounded the dumbphuckitude.

Bizarrely,Virginia law would permit a filing for desertion. Bizarre because our case law is now such the court's may presume a 50/50 split and our appellate courts have ruled that if the fault ground did not lead to any pre-separation financial losses of marital funds, it's to be given little if any weight to the overall distribution.

IOWs,we can still needlessly get a extra 5-10K in fees for totally meaningless HS. But, you know how that first few months of anger has the once rational wanting to exact their revenge.

It often makes me laugh, Jim, to see how much money some folks are willing to pay just to find out who the other has been banging.

I hope he's not the one sleeping with bosephus's wife.....

Just throwing a joke Ted not a dart.....

Actually just stay cool, gather your valuables that you dont want smashed burned or thrown out the front door and lit on fire. Rent a storage shed and put them in there. If she dont know your feelings yet wait about a year to tell her.

In the meanwhile sell all the stuff you share that you really want to keep to your friends for dirt cheap and give her half the money. When its all over go back and buy all your stuff back .......

Oh yeah and dont sleep with her at all after you tell her, no matter how calm she is, even if she's fixed. Cause she'll go down to the local bar and give you something that will take a roto-tiller and hydrochloric acid to get rid of ....

Good luck!
Hope I helped.....

Jim;

Exactly. In VA, Spanky's advice, preemptively, would be very bad.

The right advice remains the same; lawyer up and stfu.

In AL, as ground for divorce, Abandonment is defined: For voluntary abandonment from bed and board for one year next preceding the filing of the complaint. http://alisondb.legislature.state.al.us/acas/CodeofAlabama/1975/coatoc.htm

Separating, for the purposes of the pending divorce isn't abandonment here.

If that's what I understand you to be saying Sean.

If a Man or Woman, establishes a new residence for the purposes of separation, maintains a relationship with the children, supports them, etc., he's not abandoned them, nor has he abandoned any claim to marital property by leaving the marital residence pending the divorce action.

A roto-tiller and HCl...

Damn, that's funny. Sad, sometimes true, but funny...

I'm talking California No Fault which has been the law since the 1970's.

Lawyer up, STFU, and GET OUT. In California once you leave everything you earn after that date is your separate property, same with her. I speak from personal experience and from the experience of more than a few friends and close relatives.

Also it doesn't matter who she is banging or who you are banging. It is not relevant. No fault, remember?

No Fault doesn't necessarily mean that. It only means you don't have to prove fault to get a divorce. Infidelity still matters in some jurisdictions. In past times, you had to prove some fault simply to get divorced.

Stop listening to us NOW !

No one here is an experienced divorce attorney in your state, just a bunch of guys who may or may not have been down the divorce road and are telling you THEIR experience/opinions which are generally of little value.

Do not pass GO, get an attorney NOW
Do not pass GO, get an attorney NOW
Do not pass GO, get an attorney NOW
Do not pass GO, get an attorney NOW
Do not pass GO, get an attorney NOW

X2! I really hope this is a bad April Fools joke. I dont wish divorce on anybody!

Since it's relevant, I looked it up.

No Fault for divorce...

Missouri Revised Statutes
Chapter 452
Dissolution of Marriage, Divorce, Alimony and Separate Maintenance
Section 452.305

August 28, 2010


Judgment of dissolution, grounds for--legal separation, when--judgments to contain Social Security numbers.

452.305. 1. The court shall enter a judgment of dissolution of marriage if:

(1) The court finds that one of the parties has been a resident of this state, or is a member of the armed services who has been stationed in this state, for ninety days immediately preceding the commencement of the proceeding and that thirty days have elapsed since the filing of the petition; and

(2) The court finds that there remains no reasonable likelihood that the marriage can be preserved and that therefore the marriage is irretrievably broken; and

(3) To the extent it has jurisdiction, the court has considered and made provision for child custody, the support of each child, the maintenance of either spouse and the disposition of property.

2. The court shall enter a judgment of legal separation if:

(1) The court finds that one of the parties has been a resident of this state, or is a member of the armed services who has been stationed in this state, for ninety days immediately preceding the commencement of the proceeding and that thirty days have elapsed since the filing of the petition; and

(2) The court finds that there remains a reasonable likelihood that the marriage can be preserved and that therefore the marriage is not irretrievably broken; and

(3) To the extent it has jurisdiction, the court has considered and made provision for the custody and the support of each child, the maintenance of either spouse and the disposition of property.

3. Any judgment of dissolution of marriage or legal separation shall include the last four digits of the Social Security numbers of the parties. The full Social Security number of each party and each child shall be retained in the manner required under section 509.520.

(L. 1973 H.B. 315 � 2, A.L. 1997 S.B. 361, A.L. 1998 S.B. 910, A.L. 2009 H.B. 481)



BUT

Missouri Revised Statutes
Chapter 452
Dissolution of Marriage, Divorce, Alimony and Separate Maintenance
Section 452.330

Disposition of property and debts, factors to be considered.

452.330. 1. In a proceeding for dissolution of the marriage or legal separation, or in a proceeding for disposition of property following dissolution of the marriage by a court which lacked personal jurisdiction over the absent spouse or lacked jurisdiction to dispose of the property, the court shall set apart to each spouse such spouse's nonmarital property and shall divide the marital property and marital debts in such proportions as the court deems just after considering all relevant factors including:

(1) The economic circumstances of each spouse at the time the division of property is to become effective, including the desirability of awarding the family home or the right to live therein for reasonable periods to the spouse having custody of any children;

(2) The contribution of each spouse to the acquisition of the marital property, including the contribution of a spouse as homemaker;

(3) The value of the nonmarital property set apart to each spouse;

(4) The conduct of the parties during the marriage; and

(5) Custodial arrangements for minor children.

2. For purposes of sections 452.300 to 452.415 only, "marital property" means all property acquired by either spouse subsequent to the marriage except:

(1) Property acquired by gift, bequest, devise, or descent;

(2) Property acquired in exchange for property acquired prior to the marriage or in exchange for property acquired by gift, bequest, devise, or descent;

(3) Property acquired by a spouse after a decree of legal separation;

(4) Property excluded by valid written agreement of the parties; and

(5) The increase in value of property acquired prior to the marriage or pursuant to subdivisions (1) to (4) of this subsection, unless marital assets including labor, have contributed to such increases and then only to the extent of such contributions.

giving a little extra can go a long way later when you need it.

its better to offer a little more equity and/or cash money up front that to make a monthly payment for several years.

if at all possible go with mediation. where you sit down with a neutral party and say I want this or that and split possessions that way if possible. do this AFTER you consult with attorneys and have one on retainer (just in case). its highly unlikely that both of you will agree 100% with each other on division of property. if you can barter for your guns and get an agreement to most of it before you have to go to court, it will save you money.
at least that woulda worked in my situation.

getting a lawyer and keeping a low profile is good advice.

remember if she's trying to piss you off, its to get you to do something stupid. when mine tried that, I reminded myself what she was doing and it gave me more resolve to just smile when she went on tirades and insult slinging.

I also got a voice recorder for any conversations we had one on one prior to going to court.

I had a friend who slept with his wife when they were splitting up and she accused him of rape, even though she came onto him. it was a set up. she never filed a police report but went to an abuse shelter and had a record of it to pull out later.
women can think and do some of the most underhanded chit you can think of.
at least you're not fighting for custody. remind her going to court is going to cost both of you LOTS of money. the more you can amicably decide who gets what the better you will be.

Most judges will tell you that you (the parties) will be happier if you decide who gets what, than if I have to decide. The parties know best what's really important them, not the judge.

+1. And they really, really hate when parties start squawking about conduct during marriage. They don't care. (1) The Judge will grant the divorce, its proforma; (2) unless it involved hiding assets, the judge doesn't care about what the parties did so that they ended up needing a divorce; (3) the Judge's job in family law is pretty formulaic, unless children are involved. Who gets what, percentages, credits, offsets.... it's all pretty black and white.

If you're going to leave, make sure you have copies of all your financial records. Don't steal them, but make sure you have copies. Change your email passwords. If you have online banking, download everything you can. Think about your online bank account passwords, if you use online banking. Don't cut her off from joint account information, but if you have individual accounts you're planning on using, make sure to disassociate those accounts from the joint accounts. Keep everything above board and honest.

Happiness can be waking in the morning and NOT having to say "I love you".

It gets easier with practise. At one time I kept a divorce attorney on retainer . Find the nastiest & best lawyer you can. I taught my present wife to shoot which may have been a big mistake. No divorce this time just funeral arrangements.

All depends on the money and kids if there is any. If not, take half, say goodbye, dont look back and let her divorce you. Be sure to keep you half of the money in cash and say you spent it all.

Didn't want to waste alot of money on lawyer fees only to still lose all my schit.

So I spent $3.99 on a box of Decon and Kool-Aid mix.

Decon? You killed her lawyer?

Her whole family loved Kool-Aid. Got the entire bunch in one afternoon.

Afterwards, I Put the decon in the cabinet next to the sugar. Cops thought it was a tragic accident, as her Mom was almost blind.

Hehheeee. Cheers!

It doesn't get better than that!! Congrats on a job well done!

Bad news is I had to pay to bury them.

I bought one big casket and stuffed 'em all in.

Figure I saved 20K.

You saved much,much more. My silence is another story.

I've had two.

My first wife was a vindictive crook - if yours is like that - hire a Barracuda type lawyer - and prepare for war. It'll cost you - big-time.

My second wife was (is) a wonderful person - who fell in love with another - for that divorce - my present wife (a lawyer) mediated the whole deal amicably - and my ex and I remain close friends. This ex, and her new husband, are guests at our home for all the kids special occasions, birthdays, Christmas morning, and we often sit together at school sports events or plays.

One is hell-but might be necessary.

One is almost pleasant by comparison (but still damn tough to go through)- but requires both parties to act like adults.

I wish you well.

Bob,

I got some more of that Kool-Aid in case you want to end it all after you lose all your money on the final 4.

Better than jumping out of the window.

LOL, I've prosecuted a couple of "self help divorce" guys.

Why further tax our over burdened legal system when a little Decon can make it all go away.

Elegant, JM.

Like someone else said, in California if there are no children involved its all pretty much by formula straight out of the book.

Doesn't make a damn bit of difference who is banging who. That is all perfectly legal and accepted at least in this state.

I smell ali-MONEY for her!

Can't you just cohabitate with an "unpleasant" rommmate (her?). Even for several months? Live in your own bedroom, back away emotionally but keeping your nose CLEAN! No girl friends. No getting drunk. Or doing dumb things. No getting so pizzed at anything she'd call the cops.

VERY, VERY DISCRETELY .....
Have you moved all your tools and professional belongings out of your house to a more secure location? That she can't touch?

I've heard of women who have hurt husbands financially/professionally when encouraged to do by their lawyers - friends - family members - clergy - etc.!

INSULATE YOURSELF! Men are "pigs." "Dogs" "Scum" If you're actually going to divorce INSULATE YOURSELF from any damage and "PAIN" (financial and otherwise) she can do to you!

What about your firearms? And any man-toys THAT ARE YOURS!!! ??? And not owned jointly? Move them away from her reach!

Have you moved any finances and investments AWAY from her access or control?

What about important papers? (consult your lawyer).

How about any heirlooms? Or sentimental favorites of YOURS you don't want to loose or have her destroy or dispose of?

Its been several years since my mother worked for CADA or a Guardian Adlightem in Washington state, but I remember hearing about a client (wife) who somehow got hold of some of her husband's shop tools. My mother's advice (to the poor picked-on, "abused" wife) was to sell, throw-away, give-away the husband's possessions before giving them back! My point is that's how women think!

Definitely, GOOD LUCK.

RIVERHAWK, not at all 'sappy.'

Cali isn't like most other places. But in general, you're correct, judges don't give a schit who is banging who. But, according to MO law, it can be considered. Whether it is or isn't in practice, only MO lawyers and judges can say.

CADA or CASA?

No offense to your intent to help but he'll pay more in attorney's fees if he follows some of that advice.

So how much did ya have the whole bunch insured for?

Max out all of the credit cards at your local gun shop and enjoy! Good luck.

I will not offer advice,I'm not good at it,been married three times.I can tell you,it's get better before you know it.
You DO need to know the laws in your state,if needed go with a lawyer as soon as possible for thr real scoop on things. I didn't on my first time(divorce) and made a mistake by dating too early,
(11 months out),I was seen and photographed! I still pay that one alimony after 19 years! Good luck and keep your chin up!

Well I read thru all of this, and no body suggested taking your wife out to a good dinner, and talk this out. Gee's you have 23 years and two kids with the lady and you are ready to chuck it all with out so much as trying to find out why she is not happy? Its all to easy to say just screw it rather than just sitting down and talking and I mean really talking. My first guess is that the kids are grown and will be leaving the nest, and she may not be happy about it or something along that nature. Good grief give it a shot, what have you really got to loose. In a divorce you are going to loose, its set up that way, how much to loose is up to what you do or don't do. Not talking to the woman is not a good thing. Most problems can be worked out by just talking.

If you go though with it remember your divorcing her and not the kids. Try to take the high road and not involve the kids in the discussion espicaly blame games and ect. Try to be civil but all that seems to fly out the door once the laywers get invovled.

Take the first step if have to do it and get advice from a lawyer if she is already talked to one your behind in the game.

The marriage is over. Treat it as business. No matter what who did or did not do shut up and sit on your hands.

"kay - da"

No offense taken. My only two real points of "suggestion" if a divorce actually happens is to #1) LOOK OUT for himself. #2) GET THAT ATTOURNEY ON RETAINER!

But in the meantime, while I've never been divorced I still known some pretty unscrupulous and MEAN W-I-I-M-O-N-S!

Most fellows I'll share whatever I've heard of or known happen when wiimons were on the warpath.

Too bad some real heart-to-heart communicating couldn't "might" help? Of course both gotta want too.

This whole thread has become an April Fool's joke with no "one eyed man in the land of the blind".

GET AN ATTORNEY NOW !!!!!!

Spano's law of divorce:

"The man always pays."

Prayer, Prayer, and more Prayer. Divorce sucks. Avoid it at all costs if possible.

What is the reason behind you wanting a divorce?

What has "caused" this wit's end?????? Your feelings or hers? And does she know?????


Is she going to cry for days when she finds out, because she thinks everything is fine....

Are you a good husband and she a bad wife or vise versa?


These issues should be adressed first before any more comments should be made.....

thank god tomorrow is april second !

It's not been mentioned here but folks should understand the most critical part of any effective representation is your lawyer must be timely paid his gobs of money.

Very important,folks. Don't ever mess this one up!!

Best advice yet.

Paid lawyer:


Unpaid Lawyer:

Someone else said this, Ill repeated with first hand knowldege. Call every divorce attorney in town and setup an appt before you file. Or at least the the most reputable. This will limit your competition. Once an attorney speaks to you, by law he can not represent your wife even if he is not on retainer. Happened to the lady who was trying to buy my house. She had to put the house purchase on hold for a year so we decided to rent. She went through three attorneys in a year... each time costs her lots of money with no results. Her husband had already seen all the reputable attorneys in town.

Another good advise... avoid confrontation, keep your cool and if things get out of hand get legal and law right away. Nothing worse than a women crying victim when she was the one creating the crime. Johnny Law will take her side is she calls first.

Second, you file, give her what she wants and needs. Be reasonable, remember she didnt ask for this, you did.

Get it behind you, nut up and move on....I went through one 16 years ago and it was the best thing I ever did. I had seen good friends go through it and watched them sit around with the crybaby attitude, filling themselves with self pity and remorse. Some of them never did recover and I watched them self destruct. Whatever you do dont become that guy.

Thanks to all for the PM's I now have a plan and should keep quiet for now.

Thanks again....lets rest for a bit.

Good luck

Yes a big + 1.....

Went thru this 6 years ago.
1.Get a divorce lawyer NOW
2. get advice from lawyer on securing your stuff from the soon to be ex.
3. that includes firearms and any and all valuables period
4. keep and stay cool
5. Divide the property between yourselves if at all possible nothing lawyers like more than writing $200 /hr letters over poessessions.
6 Life will get better after you are done
7 Best of luck
Magnum Man

As many said, Lawyer up. Get the best pit bull lawyer you can afford.
You may get smacked with alimony, but in my case ,I paid her off in a lump sum. This was named "redistribution of assets". That $1 a year from year 6 to 10 scared the pizz out of me and I wanted it over ASAP, so I took it up the azz.
I was not allowed to change any insurances or benefits or for that matter, anything.
As others said, your "things" you acquired during Marriage, are half hers, including pensions and 401's.
I had to "buy back" my house that I paid in full 2 years ago. That blew.

Divorces here in Ct. amount to legalized extortion. Nothing more. It's all business.

Good Luck. Keep eating. I lost 25 lbs to this crap.

Let us know how it turns out. It seems like most here have been through it and survived and thrived. You will too and then be able to contribute to the literature.

Keep your powder dry.

Mine was final on 3-7, on the best day it sucks. Good luck to you.

It's not all gloom and doom there are benefits...



And the latest benefit...

Have a close friend who is going through a divorce, everynow
and then he comes over to my house and cries on my shoulder
I listen to him and tell him everything will be fine and
I dont choose sides as I know his wife also.

Never got divorced. I always stuck it out when things didn't seem good. You most likely are better off not getting divorced and find out what is in both of your lives that are unforgiven and work on that. My wife and I are as different as two could be. Honestly, I think we mostly got married cause she thought I was good looking and I like hot little blondes. We love Jesus and go to church together and that helps alot. We pray out our hardships too. There is something about a man that prays in a womans eyes. Don't know what it is for sure but it comforts them or something. Work it out and it will get better. It got to this point cause it wasn't worked on and tended to. There is nothing wrong with either of you. It's mostly bad communications and unforgiveness. Tell her you are willing to ride the storm cause you love her and divorce won't do either any good. This might take time but it is worth it. I have a year on you so I can say this. It will be 24 years on July 11th. so I'm no newly wed telling you. Both have to give a bunch, it's not easy but tell her you love her and will take time. A series called Love And Respect Emerson Eggerichs and did wonders for my wife. It dawned on her how men think. Keep at it and don't give up but at the same time the relation needs to mend to make it strong.

While I agree 100% with what you said it does not always work out that way. It takes two people each giving 100%.

I married the wrong woman when I was younger and dumber. I did not believe in divorce and still do not. I tried my best and stuck it out nine years. Must have been her fifth of sixth affair that I found out about when I said the heck with it. I bought a car from a neighbor for a hundred bucks, filled it with what few things I wanted and lit out for the northwest. She had someone else living with her within the week.

I never looked back and my only regret was marrying her in the first place.

Found a sweat little thing in a country church in Oregon and grabbed her up. That was 32 years ago this June. Best thing I ever did. A good marriage is heaven , a bad marrage id hell.

Adultery is something I never had to deal with so I left it out. I have heard it magnifies the problems. I know some who had affairs and are still married so it can work but seems to work less often.

A marriage can survive adultery by one or both partners but both have to be willing to give 100%. Without that there is no chance.

go on a naked vacation together and maybe you can work it out. Take her to Hedonism 2 in Jamaica

http://www.hedonismresorts.com/hedonism-ii.asp

Ted,

My advice would be to find who the "prominent" divorce lawyers are in your county. Hire the one most respected by the family court Judges. You would be surprised how much difference this can make. Try to keep it amicable if possible - it's very difficult as it is without the burden of heated emotions on a daily basis. If she does not know of your plans yet, I'd touch base with a lawyer real quick....you will need to find a way to protect your assets from being wiped out and credit cards being run up in your name pending the divorce.