You know, the farmer who was outstanding in his field, the baker that works so hard, because he kneads the dough.

Many more?

I am sure someone who couldn't do Math in school will be along shortly to tell the same old Engineer jokes.

the garbage man says business is picking up but the undertaker says his business is dead

my sons who are firemen say they haven't lost a foundation yet

There was the optometrist that fell into his lens grinder, and made a spectacle of himself.

Heard of the female butcher who backed into her meat slicer? Dis-assed her!

Much like the butcher that backed into his grinder, and got a little behind on his orders.

My physician friend has to bury his mistakes, but I can eat mine.

I hear repair electricians are re-volting....

Nothing so pithy, but...

An electrical engineer, a mechanical engineer and a software engineer were riding in a car when it suddenly stopped.

The electrical engineer said, "there's a problem with the spark plugs, we have to get out and change the plugs".

The mechanical engineer said, "no, there's a problem with the valves, we have to get out and adjust the valves".

The software engineer said, "why don't we just get out of the car and get back in?"

Plumber, your cshit is our bread and butter,

All you have to know to be a plumbers is paydays on Friday and cshit don’t run uphill.

And don't chew your fingernails

KC

There are old linemen , and there are bold lineman , but there are no old bold linemen .
Kenneth

Same for pilots

I'd make a crack about plumbers, butt...

There are three kinds of people in this world, those that can do math and those that can’t!

Politics is said to be the 2nd oldest profession but most days it resembles the 1st.

When doctors and undertakers meet on the street, they wink at each other.

Not all are about jobs, but enough:


When chemists die, they barium.

Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.

This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never
met herbivore.

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.

I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.

Did you hear about the cross-eyed teacher who lost her job because she
couldn't control her pupils?

When you get a bladder infection urine trouble.

I tried to catch some fog, but I mist.

What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.

England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

All the toilets in New York's police stations have been stolen. The police
have nothing to go on.

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

A cartoonist was found dead in his home. Details are sketchy.

The fattest knight I ever heard of was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She made whiskey for a living, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

It's not that the man did not know how to juggle, he just didn't have the balls to do it.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

And a few more, collected over the years:


1. It’s hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
2. Entropy isn’t what it used to be.
3. A biologist, a chemist, and a statistician are out hunting. The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5ft to the left, the chemist takes a shot and misses 5ft to the right, the statistician yells “We got ’em!”
4. Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?
He’s 0K now.
5. The programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.”
The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
6. A Photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The Photon replies “No I’m traveling light”
7. A pun, a play on words, and a limerick walk into a bar. No joke!
8. A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says “make me one with everything”. The vendor is angry at the bad pun, but makes the hot dog anyway and hands it to the Buddhist monk, who pays with a $20 bill. The vendor puts the bill in the cash box and closes it. “Excuse me, but where’s my change?” asks the Buddhist monk. The vendor replied, “Change must come from within.”
9. C, E flat, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Sorry, no minors”
10. The barman says, “We don’t serve time travellers in here.” A time traveller walks into a bar.
11. The Pope, a Rabbi and a Lutheran minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, “What is this, a joke?”
12. Descartes walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Would you like a drink?” “I think not”, says Descartes, who then vanishes in a puff of smoke.
13. Don’t trust atoms! They make up everything!

[In case you didn’t get #12, Descartes said, “I think, therefore I am.”]

same for mushroom eaters.

an economist, a baptist preacher & a rabbi were all walking, when they fell into a grave.

they couldn't figure out how to escape. the baptist preacher said we'd dig our way out.

the rabbi said they could climb out if the grave wasn't so deep.

economist said, no worries. we'll just assume a ladder.

Spot on!!!

Since you didn't specify a profession, I'll add one about a lawyer. Let the tidal wave begin!

A blonde and a lawyer are seated next to each other on a flight from LA to NY. The lawyer asks if she would like to play a fun game? The blonde, tired, just wants to take a nap, politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks. The lawyer persists and explains that the game is easy and a lot of fun. He explains, "I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5.00, and vice versa. " Again, she declines and tries to get some sleep. The lawyer, now agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5.00, and if I don't know the answer, I will pay you $500.00."

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game. The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches into her purse, pulls out a $5.00 bill and hands it to the lawyer. "Okay" says the lawyer, "your turn." She asks the lawyer, "What goes up a hill with three legs and comes down with four legs?" The lawyer, puzzled, takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references, no answer. He taps into the air phone with his modem and searches the net and the library of congress, no answer.

Frustrated, he sends e-mails to all his friends and coworkers, to no avail. After an hour, he wakes the blonde, and hands her $500.00. The blonde says, "Thank you," and turns back to get some more sleep. The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, what's the answer?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5.00, and goes back to sleep.

Ha! Good one!

Yep, made me curious, I married two blondes. What was I thinking?

Mechanical engineers make bombs.... Civil engineers make the targets. My "civil" buddy doesn't appreciate it...

should be Jean-Paul Sartre instead of Descarte

The version I hears was...."chit runs downhill, payday's on Friday, and the boss is an ass hole.

And if anyone knows about mushrooms it's Gus.

An engineer, a computer programmer, and a government worker were talking about how smart their dogs are.
The engineer says watch this, and calls his dog Slide Rule". He places twelve cookies on the floor and tells Slide Rule to divide the cookies by four. Slide Rule puts three cookies and each group. See he can divide!
The mathematician puts the 12 cookies in a pile and calls his dog, Keypunch. He tells Keypunch to subtract two cookies from the group and Keypunch takes two cookies from the pile. Now he commands Keypunch to divide the large pile by two and Keypunch puts five cookies in two different piles. See, my dog can subtract and divide.
Now they look and the government worker and ask what can your dog do? The government worker says, Coffee Break, show them your stuff. Coffee Break eats all twelve cookies, screws the other two dogs, and takes the rest of the day off on sick leave.

She was a farmer's daughter, but could not keep,here calves together

The two queer judges that tried each other.

She was only a moonshiners daughter,but he loved her still.

Two queer undertakers who after work would head to the basement to suck on a couple cold ones.

The difference between whores and lawyers?Whores stop f U C King you after you die.

Sweating like a homskooler trying to read.

Sorry, persiandog, WRONG. , "Cogito, ergo sum" was Rene Descartes.

Jean-Paul Sartre: "There is only one day left, always starting over: it is given to us at dawn and taken away from us at dusk."
"Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you."
"No finite point has meaning without an infinite reference point. "
"

yes , you are right. a new one by ME : i have guns, therefore I am.

Welders are like whores-all they ask for is more rod and more money!

I like it !

While a priest and a rabbi were walking down the street they passed a playground at a boys school. The priest said; lets go in there & fugg some of those boys. And the rabbi said; out of what?

A guy called the cops & told them he had just shot a Baptist preacher that was climbing out of his wife's bedroom window. The cops ask if he was dead, & the guy said yes. The cops then ask how he knew the guy was Baptist preacher. The guy said; because he was eating fried chicken out of one hand & pulling up his zipper with the other.

Like the constipated engineer? - worked it out with a pencil............

Excellent list... TY.