I'd hit Kristi Noem.....3 times?

Tell your wife her butts getting a little big. See how that works out for you!

My egg is a little too hard.

Ever see a white and yellow frisbee? 😳

"You got your hair done?
Huh,is there any kind of warranty?"

That's great.

GUTS

Is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the Guts to ask: 'Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?'

BALLS

Is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the Balls to say: 'You're next, Chubby.'

"your sister is sure looking good today"

I'm going hunting this weekend with some buddies. If there's an emergency leave a message at the bar at the Cozy Corner in Winnemucca.

“It’s not the dress that makes you look fat, it’s your fat”

From this view you look like your sister!!!

Two that come to mind, "Did you really need to buy that?"

And, "You're the hottest grandma in Kansas."

"Did you have sex with my sister?!!!!"

"Ummmmm....which one are we talking about?"

My ex almost got violent one time when I said I wasn't a mind reader.

Your butt looks fat

“Im buying another gun”

A day for the rest of my life👍

I asked my ex if she paid for the hairdo one time. It was cold for a few nights

Maybe some day I’ll care as much about you as I do my guns and the dog.

“What’s in the bowl, bitch?”

True story. My ex used to asked me often if I'd cheat on her. I'd always say "don't know, hasn't happened yet" she never did like that answer. 😁

Diane honey, I love screwing my brains out with you....

wife response... " My name is Kathy, not Diane"

I think I see a Volkswagen in your snatch.

😀😀😀

I’m buying a Ruger trifecta for $3000

I told mine to calm down last week.

It didn't go over well, but she needed to be told.

She started acting like a covtard when our son was "exposed" to covid.

She calmed down.


Eventually.



I'd say it again. And, when he tested negative, I said I told you so.

'No'.

So I was laying on the couch one afternoon after work, the wife asks '...did you do thus and such like I asked...' (I don't even remember what it was) NO! I responded. to which she asks '...what do you mean NO!?...'

I sat up and said '...babe, it's a two letter word, which one gave you the trouble...'

THAT, is NOT the correct response to 'what do you mean NO!?


YMMV................

Next time open the beer before you hand it to me.

Wat dat mouf doo?

“Are you hormonal ?”

Mow the Lawn???
👍👍👍

So I used to come home from work, pour a nice single malt and settle into the couch to relax and watch a movie. The ex had an annoying habit of standing in from of me, blocking the TV and asking me all manner of idiotic questions. Once, when I had enough after she asked me yet another idiotic question, I hiked my leg and farted violently asking her if that answered her question? The look of incredulity on her face was priceless.

Hey Slim, you puttin on a few lbs??

lol

You know how they say you should never argue with your wife because she's always right? Well, if she ever accuses you of loving your dog more than you love her, argue with her even though she's right.

You either need a snickers bar or a nap….

Somone asked how long we been married I said 2
They sad 2 years it’s been over 30
I say 2 long I will heal eventually

Lock your wife and dog in the trunk of your car and see which one is glad to see you when it’s open

OK COVTARD

"Can you sing from your diaphragm?"

ADC

Da Man !

🦫

My girlfriend is pregnant...You wanted another kid, didn’t you ?

🦫

^^^^^^^^^^^^
Always tells when the dictate good


LMAO

Best nursery rhyme ever.

Sweetheart, that dress is doing everything it can to make you look skinny.

‘You don’t have the GUTS to pull that trigger, do ya?’

"Those condoms are for my rifle muzzles"

Wait - no, that's what you do say....

Look here hon’....that Hannah Baron is a spinner !!!

My wife ask if her jeans made her butt look big.

"Last time you wore them, I followed you up the steps.
It looked like two, blue, VW Bugs, drag racing."


I thought it was witty.

She didnt!

"Those Skinny Jeans are not working to good for you"

“You make me feel like a whore”
“If you would act more like one , it would help”
Yeah , I said that .
So much for honesty being the best policy .
And then there’s the song , from the window up above .
While having a few beers one evening I’m musing myself with this song , out loud mind you , “from the window up above , I gave your fat azz a shove”
Only to look around and realize there was another set of ears present .
Yeah , I owned that one too .
Then there was the laundry mat , dropped her off and came back the next day she wasn’t there , my things were being tossed into the yard as zi pulled in . Beer in hand , are you mad ?.
No sense of humor I tell you !
Had no idea life was going to be so interesting after the famous “I do” words .
Kenneth

" You sure don't sweat much for a fat girl."

When riding with your wife and you pass a really hot looking woman it’s not the best thing to say (but can be entertaining with risks), “Hey babe. Ever thought about becoming Mormon”?

How's about "I do"?

WTF... your sister swallows.

You aren't the size six girl I married anymore.

+ 1 on the "you don 't have the guts to pull the trigger!"

…and you should see her noodle a catfish.

So you just came back from the beauty parlor? I hope they can work you in the schedule next time.

My girlfriend “where we going on our vacation ?”
Me “ So hows it a vacation for me if you go along ?”
Me to you guys “Dont ever say that”

"When we got married, I told you 'I love you' ... If anything changes, I'll let you know"

I used to work with a guy who introduced his wife as his first ex wife.
She didn't find it funny. But I did when I started banging her.

We teach 'em early what not to say here too - for example, even something as innocent as, "Grandma, are you burning the blueberry pancakes?" will get you the stink-eye.

My wife said she wanted a bigger boobs and to get a boob job. I said why? So you look at me the same way you did when I was 18. Hmmm, why don't you just rub TP on them every day. She looks at me questioningly! It worked on your a$$ didn't it!

How long were you in the hospital after delivering that line?