A little humor for dads - 06/19/01
10 Simple Rules for dating my daughter<P>Rule One: If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be<BR>delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.<P>Rule Two: You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may<BR>glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck.<BR>If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I<BR>will remove them.<P>Rule Three: I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys<BR>of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be<BR>falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you<BR>and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be<BR>fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise:<BR>You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants<BR>ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, In order to ensure<BR>that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your<BR>date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten<BR>your trousers securely in place to your waist.<P>Rule Four: I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex<BR>without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let<BR>me elaborate: when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.<P>Rule Five: In order for us to get to know each other, we should<BR>talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do<BR>this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you<BR>expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I<BR>need from you on this subject is "early."<P>Rule Six: I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many<BR>opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my<BR>daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will<BR>continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you<BR>make her cry, I will make you cry.<P>Rule Seven: As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter<BR>to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If<BR>you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My<BR>daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting<BR>the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do<BR>something useful, like changing the oil in my car?<P>Rule Eight: The following places are not appropriate for a date with<BR>my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than<BR>a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns<BR>within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is<BR>dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature<BR>is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff<BR>T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down<BR>parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual<BR>theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chainsaws are okay.<BR>Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.<P>Rule Nine: Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a pot-bellied, balding,<BR>middle-aged, dim-witted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I<BR>am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where<BR>you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the<BR>whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five<BR>acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.<P>Rule Ten: Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to<BR>mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming<BR>in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts<BR>acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns<BR>as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into<BR>the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight.<BR>Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have<BR>brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car --<BR>there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the<BR>window is mine.<BR>